A Hard Days' Night

(apologies to the Fab Four...)

Last night was not a good night.

We had a great afternoon talking together. Even after all this time, when we talk the minutes and hours just fly by - before I know it she has to go. Towards the end of our conversation I'd been looking something up in some old IM's and started reading some of them - something I know, and knew, I shouldn't do.


That wave (can you say tsunami?) of sadness or melancholy or whatever you want to call it slammed me hard. As we were hanging up it was all I could do to keep it together. So that's the mindset that I went into my evening with.

She was with me all night. I tried to work on the computer and it was all I could do to not lose myself in old emails and IMs. Not that they'd have added much because I can probably recall most of that stuff from memory anyway. Finally I had a stiff drink (or 3) and went to bed.

I almost never have problems either falling asleep or sleeping. I finally drifted off at about 12-ish and had a couple hours of really shitty, fitful sleep. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and got up. Even though I knew it was a bad idea I had another drink - I rationalized that it'd help me get back to sleep.

And I thought the evening hours were bad.

I posted here what is probably the most pathetic fucking thing I've ever read. I should delete it but maybe someone will read it and offer some help. If nothing else, maybe if I ever (yeah, should say when) I get that bad again I'll be able to look at it and know that I made it through the night before.

I'm really not a bad guy; even been called a good catch. Pretty level headed, not too stoic or too emotional (despite how it may seem on this blog), loving, friendly, interesting (I think). But g-ddamn if I don't have it bad for her. No woman has ever, EVER affected me like this.

Did I mention I love her?