I'm a Castaway...

As I said before, yesterday's last call with B didn't end so well. I'd been insensitive (unintentionally) to her feelings at a time when, I now believe, she was feeling sensitive about everything in our situation and hers.

She called for a moment this morning. The call probably didn't last 90 seconds.

Pleasant chat briefly, then I told her that I wanted to apologize for the way we ended yesterday, and while I was not intending to rehash it (which she hates; when it's done, it's done), I wanted her to know that I was sorry. I was sorry for being insensitive, for not picking up on her mood (something I often fail at, especially when I'm focused on something, like I was yesterday - getting her into the mood for some sex talk) and truthfully, I felt sorry for me and her that she had to go abruptly and we didn't get much time to talk.

She didn't respond to my comments, other than to say she was gonna go, bye. Then click and she was gone.

Fuck.

I'd sent her an IM shortly afterwards. A while later she logs on and sends me one message - that she "won't have time [to talk] today... have a good day/nite".

Double fuck.

Anytime I do something to put her off, or when we don't get along well, it's like a knife in my heart. But here she's telling me that she doesn't have time to talk. Period.

My mind is racing, imagining all sorts of bad things, reasons why. Maybe she's finally done with me. Did bf find something else out last night and is she cutting me off to insure that she can keep that relationship? Did I really ?insult? her so badly yesterday or this morning that she can't stand to talk to me? What else could I possibly have done that turned her off so much?

Fuck.

I'm panicking inside. Not primarily because I fear she's done with me (although that's certainly a factor) but mostly because of the unknown. What's in her head? What's going on? Did I do something wrong? Did something happen at home/with bf? Something happen at work? What's going on? This is very unlike her. She certainly has the self-discipline to close herself off but she's never done it like this.

Fuck.

It'd be so much easier if I didn't love her, if I didn't care. It'd be so much easier if she was single and seeing me... and I think we'd both be happier.

Fuck.

Where are you B? Please call....