Another week, another world

Much changes. Not for the better.

Thursday I said something to B that pissed her off. She wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day except for a brief IM to say she had no time to talk. Same thing on Friday - she wouldn't talk to me, although she did call at the end of the day to say have a good weekend. She also said she was going to take some time alone, no talking... about a week. If you ever want to know terror, sheer fear of the future, that'll do it.

It was a very long weekend.

Monday morning, a brief call. I was quite surprised; happy of course, but surprised. We talked a bit but I think I just pushed her further away.

We IM'd throughout the day. Bottom line is that she thinks I'm a liar and she can't tolerate that. I protested that yes, I'd held stuff back (about my dating L) but only because I knew the full story would hurt her and could push us further apart. I felt I was between a rock and a hard place. Tell her everything and push her away. Withhold details with the chance of being found out and called a liar and push her away. How do I win?

I really thought yesterday was the end, so I told her about this blog. I thought maybe reading my thoughts would give her some insight into me, where my head's at. Might not have been a good idea. I know she read several posts here. She took some of my internal thoughts/dialogs as knocking her, as proof that I didn't understand what she was going through. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've always felt she seemed to have a clarity of thought that I don't have. When something happens, like not being able to talk because she has to run an errand, I have to process the information. Part of that process is to apply the event to me - how does it relate to me, affect me. (Here I mean the inner, selfish me.) So the thoughts might go something like this: She has to run an errand - why now? We could be talking during -this- time; we can't talk at -that- time. If she wanted to talk, wouldn't she run the errand during -that- time so saving -this- time for us to talk? Why doesn't she want to talk? What's that mean? Did I do something wrong? What's she doing that she wants to do more than spend time with me?

Anyway. I pleaded with her all afternoon to please not end this friendship, PLEASE. For all you people who are strong enough that when in this situation could say "fine, we tried" and move on, all I can say is "ain't me". I need her. I pleaded with her. I tried to reason with her. She's a very strong woman. She's told me many times in the past that when someone lies to her, that's it, she's done. And she has the internal strength, the fortitude to do that. Believe me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if she tells you she's done with you, you will not see her again.

She's forgiven me before for lying. Actually for lying about the same thing - my relationship with L. She's not inclined to forgive me again. I can understand that - logically. Yet with every ounce of energy I have I will beg and plead and hope that she can forgive me again. She told me that she doesn't think of me the same way anymore, doesn't feel the same way anymore. In fact that she feels -nothing- to, for or about me anymore. Try to imagine what that's like. Pick the one person in the world who means more to you than anyone else, the one person you love more than anyone else, and imagine them telling you that they feel nothing for you anymore, don't know that they ever could again, and are too tired to try again. If that scenario doesn't make you feel like you're in a vacuum with nothing and no one around you and no way out, then you haven't really experienced what I felt. Feel.

I'm panicked. I'm waiting for her call or IM today. If she doesn't contact me, I guess that'll be my answer as to whether or not she's willing to give me another chance. If she does, it's no guarantee that she will give me another chance, but at least we might be able to talk about it.

With every minute that ticks by I worry more and more that she's gone. I wish she'd call. I hope she'll give me, us, another chance.

I want her in my life.

B, if you read this, I want you in my life. Please.