A new mission?

Having a friend like B is something that only happens a couple of times in your life. If you get one friend like her, you're lucky. If you get two, you're blessed. If you say you have three, you're lying. Okay, I'll grant that it is possible to have 3 friends like B in one lifetime; I just see the likelihood of it as very small.

You have to understand that B has been the light of my life for a year and a half. I loved her with all my heart, with all my soul. I still do. Possibly, probably more than ever.

And right now, I'm as close to losing her from my life, forever, as I've ever been. And I'm terrified. I know all the usual platitudes and other crap... "you'll move on", "you'll find other friends". All bullshit. I know my life won't end; I'll still wake up tomorrow and the next day and probably the day after that. The question is, will I want to? Right now, the answer is no.

Well, no, that's not quite correct either. I do have something to live for now, a mission, if you will. My friend B is not in a good spot right now. She says she's fine, that maybe it's for the best, she doesn't have to care about anything, nothing will bother her much, she can just go on on autopilot. No one should have to live like that, no one. Especially not a young, beautiful, vibrant woman like B. The way she describes her life now is very familiar to me though. It's almost exactly how I would have described my mind set - when I was deep in depression. I don't think she's depressed - she's just got a lot of shit happening in her life now, has had a lot of shit since September, and has had stress (albeit hopefully good stress) for a year and a half just by having me in her life.

Anyway. On top of all the stuff that's happening in her private life, there's me. She just told me yesterday that she hasn't felt close to me in some time. I knew, at some level, that things weren't great, but I didn't know how bad they were. She told me that she almost can't remember our friendship anymore, that it's like a memory fading in the sunset. I'm almost completely out of her life, of her mind. Just writing the words or thinking them makes my chest tight, my throat constrict, my eyes water. Oh g-d, how did we get to here? What have I done?

I can't let this happen. Maybe I'm selfish and just want to save myself the pain of losing my friend. Maybe it's an ego thing to think that I could never do anything that would cause someone to want me out of their life. Possible, but I don't think so. On the other hand, am I so full of myself that I think it's better for her if I stay in her life? Again, possible, but I don't think so. I know her. She says she's not the same person now that I knew before. I know she's changed, but the B that I know is still there. And yeah, for whatever reason, I think it's better for her if I stay in her life. If for no other reason than I'm outside of her daily life, I can be a sounding board or a whipping boy or a font of wisdom (insert raucous laughter here).

So I see two main reasons, two very good reasons, for me being determined to do whatever it takes to stay in her life and keep her in mine, and to get her to want me in her life again, and to get her to enjoy life again. First, because she's my friend. My best friend, ever. I love her as a person, as a friend and as a woman. She may say she's okay with the way she is now but I'm going to operate on the idea that being resigned to a life of nothingness is not the way to be. Second, because I want her in my life. I don't want to lose a friend like her. She can never be replaced. We've shared so much, learned so much from each other, even loved so much. I want her in my life as my friend. Yes, I want her as my lover as well, and at another level there's still a hope that someday she'll want that again as well. But as she and I have always said before, I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all. Having her as my best friend gives me >90% of all the good I stand to get from her. Having her as my lover and/or partner would add the other 10%.

This is a very scary time. If I fail at my mission, my mission to rekindle in her the interest in us and in enjoying her life, then we both lose. I will lose her from my life. She will allow herself to stay in the gray nothingness until eventually she emerges.

My mission then is to be a friend to her, without regard to my wants or needs. I need to start at the beginning almost - introduce myself. Make conversation. While I know the B of old, I'll have to learn who this B is. I have to gain her interest in talking. Then we have to try to become friends again. Correction. Not "try". We will be friends again.