A resolution... of sorts

I had hoped that Wednesday was an aberration - and I was right. I was still scared that it could have been real, but I couldn't make myself believe that B was serious when she said "fuck you" to me when I IM'd to her near the end of the day "love you.. and like you".

We had very good talks yesterday - frank, open, honest. The resolution was, is, difficult for me to accept and internalize, but I know it's the way it has to be. If I want her to stay in my life as my friend (and I do) and if she's to keep me in her life, then there's no other way. She's asked me to do this before, told me that it's the way it has to be, for now anyway, or it won't work.

Essentially, I have to put my love for her away. I can keep it, and I will, but I can't approach her with it shining like a beacon over my head. She's got too much in her life right now to deal with and my courting her isn't helping and would ultimately drive her away.

G-d that's gonna be hard. Everytime she pops into my mind, all seven thousand six hundred and forty two times a day (give or take a few), "love" is what I feel. Not the word and not the romantic movie version and not Valentines' Day or flowers or gifts, but the essence of it - the warmth that flows through me, the feeling of "rightness" with it, the knowledge in my mind that I do love her, purely and simply, with no complications or conditions or expectations. I just love her.

I have to put that away for now; maybe forever, but certainly for now. It'll still be with me, always be just below the surface. It'll echo in my ears when I hear her voice, shine in my eyes when I see her picture, warm my heart when I think of her - I just can't let it out where she can see it.

It also means that I may never hear her say to me "I love you". I'd give anything to have heard that just one more time - I may never hear those words from her mouth again. That's sad and painful to me - afterall, we all want to be loved, don't we? But not being able to tell her that I love her or how special she is to me - that's going to be hard and painful. I love her without regard to anything else - it's not dependent on her loving me or being with me or anything else. I love her because of who she is. It's hard to keep love in - love needs to be shared, should be shared. And now I can't tell her that I love her.

I made her promise, before we hung up, that she'd never forget that I love her. I've always been of the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy, and was always concerned that she would not know or remember how I felt. I made her promise, swear to me, that no matter what, for no matter how long, that she would always remember how I feel about her, always know that I love her. She said she would. Something in her voice told me that that was true, gave me some comfort that even without it being said, that she'd know in her heart and in her head that my love for her was real, is real, and continues on. I hope, and I think it does, that it's never far from her consciousness, that she can see it, hold it, let it warm her when she needs it. I hope that when she feels alone she can reach just inside herself and find my love and let it be with her and comfort her.

I wish I could hear her say just one more time "I love you". Just once.

Everyday I'll wish I could tell her that I love her.

I'll be here as her friend. Hopefully even still as her best friend. I'll do whatever I can to help her through this difficult time in her life. I'll listen and suggest and cajole and kid and prod and empathize - as her friend. If that means helping her rebuild her relationship with bf - then I'll do that too. I want the best for her - I want her to be happy, to live and love life. And if life with bf is where she'll be happy, then that will make me happy too.

But g-d help me, how can I say I love her and that I'll do whatever, do anything to help her enjoy life - and still hope that she doesn't stay with him? What the fuck is wrong with me? It must be natural to some extent to feel this way, no? Or is it just self centered to want her to be happy but want it to be with me?

Love. How can it be so rewarding, so fulfilling, so wonderful, and at the same time so hard?

I love you B. Please don't forget that - you promised you wouldn't.