Valentine's Day...II

My day was complete - we got to talk. Actually, quite a bit, and very good talk, too.

It wasn't quite the V-Day I'd envisioned last year. Last year I'd had dreams of what this year might be like. I had pictured us being together, of course. A day off for both of us. I could picture many, many romantic type things I'd love to do for her -
sleep late, a dozen long stem red roses on her nightstand when she woke, breakfast in bed, satin pj's, a hand wash by me in the shower, a limo to a day spa for the works - massage, steam, pedicure, manicure, facial, aroma therapy, whatever. Everything. Limo back. Another dozen roses. Fresh strawberries and chocolate covered strawberries. Drive to a beach restaurant for a champagne lunch. A leisurely afternoon watching the water. A walk on the water's edge. Drive back. Give her my gift - jewelry, a necklace probably. Champagne and fruit. A couple of hours of making love - with me attending to her every wish, desire, need. A shower - another hand wash by me. A nap. When she woke, a fresh bouquet of flowers. I bring her sliced fresh fruit, chocolates, cheese, wine. Some time spent talking, laughing, just being together. Dress up. Limo to a fine restaurant. A full course meal of all her favorite foods. Libations. Laughter. Love. Limo to the beach. A barefoot walk at waters' edge in the moonlight. Time to relax together, maybe talk, maybe just to be together. Limo back. A single red rose. We retire. Make love again, fast and furious or slow and langourous, whereever the mood takes us. Sleep. Then in the morning, a return to the world.

All of these would be too much I think, she'd be... overwhelmed? But some of them, carefully planned and executed with the singular goal of pampering her, showing her how special she is to me... this would make a great day.

Some quotes come to mind... the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about the same. Plans are what you make, life is what you get. Life is what happens while you're making plans.

And, perhaps the simplest thing to say: My plans, hopes, wants, desires were OBE (Overtaken By Events).

Instead, we're here. She continues in (what seems to be) an unhappy relationship. I'm nearly legally single. I'm alone. The odds, the chances, the liklihood of ever having her be in my life seem smaller than ever, yet I want it more than ever before. My very uncertain future arrives in about 45 days. My life beyond that? Vague, frighteningly uncertain. I'm having to make plans that I don't really want to make, to do things that I don't really want to do, in a city I don't really want to be in. There's almost NOTHING in my life that is as I want it.

In what will almost certainly be interpreted as the sign of a lovesick, obsessed man, I still feel that if just one thing were different then none of the rest would matter. Change just one thing in the world and the uncertainty of the future would vanish. It'd still be there, but the spectre of it wouldn't loom so large, seem so ominous and dark. I'd still have to make plans for my life, but the context in which they'd be made and the world in which they'd be executed would be so different. Just one change in the world. Just one. If she would just tell me to come to her. If she'd just -want- me to come to her.

I know, I know. SHE can't make me happy. That's not her job, not her responsibility. I know that's up to me, completely. But having her in my life would make me happy, because her friendship makes me happy, her love makes me happy. Doing things for her make me happy. Her presence wouldn't make everything in my life alright. I certainly know that my presence in her life wouldn't make her life all smooth sailing. But just the chance to see what could be - that's what I want, all I ask.

So instead of my perfect vision of the perfect future, I get reality. She was with him last night, of course. Dinner, chocolate, gifts. He undoubtedly told her he loved her. She probably did the same. There was some closeness. There was sex. There was her, with him, in their life. And today she woke up next to him, in their bed, in their house, in their life, in their world. She woke up there because she chooses to be there.

And still I want her.