My B, who was looking for more, looking to connect and talk and learn about herself and get some excitement in her life, now has no interest in anything in her life. We have me to thank for that.
There's always some kernel of truth in stereotypes, cliches and sayings, isn't there? Like this one
"We only hurt those we love".Apparently that's me. Yeah, I think I may have been a bright spot in her life for awhile. She probably learned some things from me, even learned some things about herself with me. For a long time, she had a good friend that not only -could- she talk to about anything, but she -wanted- to talk to me.
And now, through my actions, she doesn't. She tells me she has nothing to look forward to in any part of her life. Nothing. And, she's become so disconnected from me, her "friend", that she's not even sure she wants to continue talking to me at all.
Fuck. I can accept fucking up my own life. But how do I ever live with what I've done to her?
We had a fairly long talk yesterday about this - her, me, us, this friendship, life. She sounds so.. ?desolate?, so resigned. That is so NOT the way B is. She's the one who is always positive. Not that perky that can be so annoying ;-). But she's always, always up. Sure, there've been times when she was down. Maybe work problems, maybe home problems, heck she's even been down when we were having problems. But her down spells are short - usually measureable in minutes and hours, with the very occasional couple of days thing.
She has an amazing ability to handle things. She processes them, figures the impact on her and what she has to do to deal with it, then does it. Even in things where she's going to be deprived of something she wants, or some hardship or frankly, in anything bad, she seems to experience the loss then move herself beyond it. "No sense crying over spilt milk" describes her perfectly. If she can't affect something, she makes whatever mental adjustment she needs to make, then moves on.
So different from me. When I experience those things, like for example... When B and I lost the opportunity to talk on the weekends, I was devastated. Weekends were prime time for us - we usually got good blocks of time to talk, sometimes sex talk, often not, but just to talk. No work distractions, no distractions of any sort, just time to talk. When we lost that, I was beside myself. It threw me into a funk for days. Hell, I still grieve that loss (although in comparison to how close I am to losing B from my life altogether, that's small potatoes). She grieved for it too - and then she was over it. I don't know how long she was sad about it... probably a couple of days. She may still be sad about it, but neither then or now has she let it interfere with her day, her life in any way. She analyzed the situation - weekend talk time is gone, certainly for now, maybe for good. She couldn't do anything about it. She grieved. She adjusted her mind. Then she was over it.
I wish I could do that. I can't. I let things weigh heavily on me, hold me down, keep my mood down, let my disappointment color everything that is me. I can see the value of being able to handle things like she does. I can even understand the thought process required to do so. But for some reason (probably emotional immaturity, self-centeredness, etc all remnants from my adolescence?) I cannot make myself just accept things and move on. I'm weak that way - and yes, I do consider it a weakness. What value could "wailing and gnashing of teeth" bring to my life? It just perpetuates my down.
Damn me.
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