Grey lining in a silver cloud

Yesterday was good. B and I talked a bit and it was good. It always is, at least from my perspective, either "good" or "better".

But I heard things in her voice, in her words and behind her words that really bother me. She's feeling very much out of control of her life, detached emotionally from everyone and everything and very asexual. She's feeling that our friendship is even going if not gone, that I'm running on memories of what we had. She seems empty to me, like there's no joy in her life.

There are so many things wrong with this picture.

B is one of the most vivacious people I've ever known. She has an infectious laugh; not a belly laugh, but when you hear it, you know it's real. She's sharp and smart and quick and quick witted. Her mind is all over everything. She thinks at least two steps ahead of everyone else. She's always been sexual and sensual and so aware of all things sensual, be they sex or food or drink or mental stimulation or the feel of the air on her face when she runs.

And now she's not. She seems dulled, somehow. I've heard of nothing that's given her pleasure in months. She has no interests. These are the things that I see objectively, as her friend.

From a much more personal point of view it's no better. I see all that plus I know her intimately, closely. It's that much more painful for me to see her this way. And to top it all off, I have to live with the knowledge that all of it is because of me. If I'd never tried to be her lover none of this would have happened. So not only did I not get to know her in the real world as a real lover, but I've hurt her as a person more than you can imagine, more than anyone with malicious intent could even hope to do. Where before she was actively searching for a better, fuller life that she knew was out there now she seems resigned to living the rest of her life withdrawn, closed off and disconnected from everyone, all pleasures, all that life has to offer.

And I've done this to her. I have such doubts about what I should do. I ask myself if I'm really her friend, if her well being is that important to me, and if my being in her life seems to cause such problems, wouldn't it be best if I disappeared from her life? I even asked her yesterday if she thought it'd be better if I was out of her life - she said "I don't know". I think I even asked her if she wants me in her life anymore - she said "I don't know".

Fuck. What do I do? It may seem conceited or egotistical to think that I'm the cause of her pain, but that is the way I see it. If I wasn't in her life, trying to be -more- in her life, much of this wouldn't have happened.

It hurts me so much to see her like this. Because I care so much for her (and about her) I don't see how I could possibly ?abandon? her at a time like this. Yet, if it's really me that brings so much negativity to her life, how can I possible justify staying in her life?

Fuck.