Waiting for a call

A very good afternoon on the phone with her. I was able to help her, I think, with some technical issues. I knew we had limited time to talk and I really wanted to converse, but I also knew that this was a chance for me to do something concrete for her and that was something I've always begged her to let me do for her.

We did talk about other things. Earlier in the day I did something that I thought would make her smile over the weekend. I really wanted to wait until the last possible moment today to tell her, but I'm such a baby with things like that that I couldn't wait to tell her. So she knows there's something and when and where to look. I hope the anticipation is good, eager, and not filled with dread. It's a simple thing really, but there's limited ways for me to get to her, and I'm hoping this'll make her smile. If so, it'll all be worth it.

Then we talked about something a little sensitive. Not bad stuff, but just ... sensitive. She kinda laughed it off, said I'd done my homework. After we hung up, it occured to me that I'd been stupid - that all the thought and energy I'd put into that thing over the last months and months was stupid - wasted time. After we'd talked about it, after I'd actually said the stuff, it seemed so stupid that I'd have put such energy into it. It had all seemed so logical before - now it just seems stupid. Worse than stupid.

After we hung up, I felt like shit. She said she was leaving right away. I hung around for 30 or 40 minutes, thinking that maybe she'd call. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that there was -something- she wanted to say. But she hadn't said anything and she didn't call, so I left.

Then she called me on her way home. But she wouldn't tell me why, said we'd talk today. I'm sure it has something to do with the stupid/sensitive thing we'd talked about. I tried but couldn't get her to talk about it.

Today we've IM'd, briefly, but she wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't call.

The anticipation is killing me. What does she want to say to me? Good? Bad? Fuck you? Come see me? Why the fuck would you even think about [the stupid thing]?

I should write a book, for men, about women. Not that I know anything that incisive or revelatory (certainly not about women!), and it sure as shit wouldn't be a book of what to do for or with a woman. But I could certainly compile a list of things -not- to do. And I could present a few ideas that guys should use within themselves when dealing with women, especially with one who's very important to them. How about "Think about everything you say or do, before you say or do it, and think about it from HER perspective. Then think about it again, because your perspective is probably wrong." Maybe "No matter how 'right' or 'logical' it may seem from your [male] point of view, it's not how she'll see it. Force yourself to think from a place outside your normal perspective - because that's where she's thinking from." Or "when you think you have something important, say it out loud first, even if you just talk it to a mirror. Things become SO different when they're verbalized."

I really wish I'd have thought of that last one yesterday. As I was fucking saying the words (about the stupid thing) and hearing them in my ears, it was very strange - the words I was hearing did not seem like the words I was saying. What I'd been saying seemed.. I don't know, ?important? but as I heard the words, I only heard them as.. irrelevant. Meaningless. Insulting even. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Yeah, well, translate that into something I'd understand and it becomes "the road to losing the most important woman in your life is paved with all those things you did when you thought you were doing the best you could".

B... where are you?