And then the world gets warmer

What a great afternoon! B and I IM'd for a couple of hours and the tone was immediately warm and familiar, back to the closeness that we've shared for so long. It was much different than the morning call.

Afterwards, we talked for about an hour. It was a wonderful talk - we talked about so many things - things important and things trivial. We discussed several topics that I'd consider "about us", which was a little surprising because usually B doesn't like to talk about, or at least not at length, things about "us". She says talking about us and our relationship is not what got us where we are - just talking did. Of course she's right.

But it wasn't just what we talked about - it was the how of our talk, the tone and flavor of it. It was so warm, so intimate, so close. It was as close and intimate as many of our other previous talks. We were both "there" and in the moment. There was nothing else but us. Yes, we talked about her and bf and such and about "us", but still, the feeling of the talk, the connection was there and it was just like old times. It was just like how we know we can be with each other.

She was very "talkie" too, unusual for her. It surprised me, especially after our brief morning call and how detached and unconnected she felt then. But when I think about it, it shouldn't have been so surprising that she was pulled back. Last week wasn't one of our better weeks. On Friday, we barely IM'd at all and only got to talk for a short time. Then there was the weekend. Even when we were in better times, I could always sense, on Monday mornings, that she'd pulled back some. Isn't it strange how differently people react? She pulled back because we were seperated for the weekend, and I was always chomping at the bit, waiting anxiously for her to call, and wanting to push us back to closeness as soon as possible.

Anyway, our afternoon talk was great. She was talkative, but even better, she was talkative about important things - her feelings, her homelife and those issues, about our relationship, about being friends. She doesn't do it often, but when she does open up, whoever is fortunate enough to be with her gets to see the real her, the warm, caring, intimate her. Not that she's cold normally, but when she opens up and lets you in it's very special.

I didn't realize it until just as we were hanging up (I'm a guy, after all!) but she needed to talk. And she chose me to talk to. She doesn't often feel the need to talk to anyone about deeply personal issues. Even when she does, she often keeps it inside anyway. Yet she chose me. Just as I would (and do) choose her. It's an indescribeably great feeling to be that important to someone, especially to be that important to someone who's equally as important to you. A while back she needed to talk. We talked. But I did something that kinda soured the whole conversation. Instead of responding to her and what she wanted to talk about, I turned it into something else, centered on me and us. It really hurt her and the conversation ended poorly. But on her way home, she stopped and left me this message:

"Hi. I don't mean to be cold and mean - to you. ...... I guess I needed to talk and if I was going to talk to anyone, it'd be you. "

To me, it's an indication of what we mean to each other, what we are to each other.

My World Grows Colder

Talked to B briefly this morning. We haven't spoken since Friday afternoon, which is the norm since we don't have our phones any more and she won't even try to call me on the weekends.

It's always great to hear her voice.
I still get that rush of excitement, that surge of ?connectedness? when we first talk. She was different though. She sounded, I don't know, ?distant?cool? I so much wanted to tell her how much I missed her over the weekend - but I knew it wasn't something she wanted to hear. I did tell her I missed her, just in general. She said "I know, me too" - and sounded sad and sincere.

It feels like this new reality that she's been building, sculpting for us out of our previous life is starting to gel. I'm not saying I'm accepting of this new state of things, because in many ways I'm not. Maybe I'm just starting to finally face reality, the reality that no matter how much I want her, and no matter how much she wants me (if she still does), this is the way it's gonna be, at least for the foreseeable future.

So she's not signing on IM until later today if at all - she's still behind and needs to get caught up. We probably won't talk at lunch - or at least, that's what I infer from her comments, although we'll likely talk before she leaves for the day, even if only for a few moments.

I wrote her on Friday regarding my concerns for how we're going to be during this upcoming period of adjustment. (Hm. Is it a period of adjustment, a temporary thing, or is she making us adjust to the way it'll be from now on?) I told her that I was very concerned that unless we both worked at staying the kind of friends that we can be to each other, that she'd let me fade from her life. I finally got her to read it, late in the day on Friday, but by then she was so late that she could barely skim it. She said that today she'll try to read it completely.

I already miss her presence so much - she's so noticeably absent from me day.

I hate it. I'm not sure I can take it.

Thoughts of Friends

I was thinking (uh oh!) this morning.... thinking about many things, all kinda jumbled together, but tied together as well.

We're going through a rough spot right now, together and individually. You're putting much of your feelings for me aside so I don't interfere with your relationship with bf.
I'm having to give up the hope that you and I will be involved real time. You know the intensity of my feelings, and how easily I show them to you and (I think) I know your feelings and how NOT easily you show them. I know that there's passion for me in you and I know that you're suppressing it. What I'm afraid of is that -so much- will get suppressed, beyond that passion, that you'll shut off from me more and more. As time goes by and you pull away, I fear the closeness we have will begin to fade from you. You'll tell me less and less of your life, your thoughts, your dreams, wants and desires, tell me less of what goes on with you day to day. As you tell me less, you'll feel less connected and more distant.. cooler. Those feelings that allow you to be open with me will fade, your desire/ability to be open with me will fade. You'll tell me less and less of what's in you - our talk will become more ?ordinary?. You'll no longer see me as someone who is ?deserving? of your inner self. You'll initiate contact less and less, which means less talk which means less closeness which means initating less contact. It's a vicious, downward spiral. Somewhere in there you'll decide that keeping me in your life is not worth the risk to your relationship - and then you'll remove that risk from your life.

I don't think you want this to happen. I truly believe that you -like- having me in your life, want me in your life, as the kind of friend we've described before - the closest, most intimate friend. You know I want you in my life. If we're going to prevent the decay and loss of our friendship, we have to work on it. Do you remember the first few months of our relationship? The tone of our talks, chats and emails? We were very, very open - we talked about everything. Not just 'fun stuff' and not just sex, but everything - your relationship, mine, your life, mine, our thoughts about sex, about life, about living, about relationships, everything. We had sex - a lot. You were very open and receptive to me sexually, and I was in awe of finding a woman who was receptive to me and encouraged me, and us, to grow sexually and to explore. I believe that if we're going to maintain the wonderful thing that we've grown between us, we need to be there again.

For a while, it'll be difficult. You're working through issues within yourself, issues with him and issues about your relationship. You may be working through your own adjustment on how you feel about me. Because of my feelings for you, and because you're confused and unsure and maybe even embarrassed (you've said) about what's happening in your life, you're reluctant to share thoughts on those issues with me. Partly because you're not even sure what to say, partly because you may not even know what you think, partly because you know those things have an effect on me, and partly because you think that everything 'bad' you tell me will have me hoping more and more that you're closer to leaving and that we're closer to getting together.

On my side, I'm mourning the loss of the possibility (that I thought was -more- than a possibility) of meeting, wooing and winning a woman that I've grown to like, to respect, to love. I feel more love, more passion, more desire for you B, than I ever recall feeling before. I really, really thought that although you might not leave, that you would chose to make us real world lovers, that we would embark on a multiyear, perhaps lifelong love affair. I'm mourning not only that lost possibility, but I'm also seeing, on a daily basis, that that woman, who's told me she loves me, who's shown me she does, is now putting that love for me away. She's consciously downplaying it, making it less important to her or at least less a part of her life, less a part of her thoughts. I'm losing so much contact with my friend, the friend that wanted to talk to me all day, to call me when she had something she wanted to tell someone or when she wanted to ask a question. Although perhaps mostly my own perception, I'm also having to face the fact that basically, I lost. You've looked at him and I and at what you felt for him or could accomplish with him or his traits and I didn't measure up. Despite forming a more intimate and I feel closer relationship with me, I wasn't enough. That's a hard pill to swallow.

We both know that we have our own difficult issues to ?resolve?work through?. But B - we're friends, no matter what else we might have been or might someday be. Even though most of our individual difficulties relate directly to the other or our feelings for the other, these are exactly the kinds of things that friends lean on each other for, these are the times we need friends. Fortunately, we have that friend, don't we? - each other. I believe, firmly believe, that we need to, that we should deal with all of these things head on, as though they didn't involve each other. Not to say we should pretend that it doesn't - we should acknowlege it. There'll be times when it'll be difficult for both of us. But the ?healing? that we both need and seek - where better to find it than a best friend?

I'm going to say something to you that I said a year ago and recently said to you again, although this time I say it with a different intent. I'm holding out my hand to you B; take it, come with me, let's get through this together. this time I'm not trying to entice you to make your life with me (although I still want that). This time, let's rebuild, let's continue building this friendship. It's a wonderful and rare and precious thing we have - to lose it, to let it fade away would really be a shame, a terrible loss. B, even if I can't have you for my partner, I so very very much want you for my friend, my very best friend. You mean so much to me as a person and as a friend and I can't imagine, don't want to imagine not having you as my friend.

I know that having you as my best friend, a special confidante will be difficult for any future relationships I may have. Tough. They'll know from early on that you are in my life, that you are a very important part of my life and that I will not lessen you to have them. I just won't. I'm a little concerned about it from your side though. As you once mentioned, it'd be nice if you could 'out' me so I don't have to stay hidden. That will be difficult, but I believe ultimately possible.

Blunder After Blunder

I seem to have the finesse, the sensitivity and the thoughtfulness of, oh, a rock?

I sent B a package last weekend, which she picked up and we opened together on the phone. I like sending her things. I send her cards, letters and occasionally small gifts. Gifts kinda sounds bad - more like little presents, little things that I want her to have.

She likes to drink from styrofoam cups, not paper. I don't have a personal preference, but fine. I guess if you push me far enough I'd say I like styrofoam better too, because it doesn't sweat and keeps your beverage cooler longer. Last week someone had a catered lunch at work, in the breakroom. When I walked by afterwards, there was a stack of styrofoam cups left over. When I saw them I thought it'd be funny to send them to B, knowing that she'd get a kick from the silly gift. So, I grabbed them and took them home.

Friday night I packed up the cups to send to her. I always like to include a letter in her packages so I sat down to write one. I told her how much her email to me (last Friday) meant to me, and how I thought she'd misinterpreted my reaction.

As I was writing my letter, I caught sight of a book I'd bought that we'd read a couple of short stories from together. The book? Let's just say it was erotica. Quite the sexy book actually and we'd read a couple of them and came together over the phone. We haven't had phone sex in quite awhile - probably early November - and very little at all since September when bf found out about me. Since we've had little intimate time together, I haven't touched the book. Frankly, it was sad and a little painful to even look at it. It brought too strong feelings of loss and hurt to me to read from it without her.

You know I'm still trying to adapt to the new reality of my life - that I won't have B as anything other than a friend. It hurts to even think or write that - I miss her so much as a lover, even a phone lover, and I fill with such a feeling of loss that I have to stop and compose myself. But she is my friend, my very best friend and I love her in many ways. As her friend I know that I should not in anyway try to interpose myself between her and bf, that I should in no way impede her efforts at rebuilding and making her relationship with him better. I try. Really I do. I want to help, to offer a supportive ear, helpful suggestions whenever possible, even just be a sounding board for her to talk to.

Now I Really Understand How Much

Last night I had a tough night, for reasons that aren't really pertinent here. Suffice it to say that I felt significant emotional turmoil, felt that things (like my life) were really spinning out of control.

What would anyone do in that situation? They'd reach out for someone they knew they could count on. Which is exactly what I did. Or tried to do.

B is the one I would reach for. She's the one I've reached for for a long time. She's been my support system, my friend, my rock of stability.

She wasn't available, of course. As soon as I thought of calling her, I knew that I couldn't. Knew that there was absolutely no way for me to get hold of her. None. While I knew that she would have been there for me if possible, it just wasn't possible.

When that realization hit me, it was the end. More than I could take.

Now I understand. Maybe not everything, but I'm beginning to see the reality of what she's meant to me. This is not a bad thing. It's good to have someone in your life like that, someone to whom you can turn, someone who's so important to you that you want to share everything with them, someone who's an integral part of your life.

What's bad is when that person can't be there anymore. B can't be there with, for me, anymore. Not all the time, at least.

Now I really understand how much she's meant to me. Still means to me.

The part that really scares me is how hard it's going to be to get used to her not being there.

So little time

It's been our routine for a long time that B and I would talk at the end of the day. Obviously we used to talk a lot - when we had the phones, we'd talk all her drive home, and that was after we'd talked who knows how long at the office, after everyone else left.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to adapt to this. We get so little time now. So little precious time.

We had a short talk this morning and another short one at lunch. I'd sent her a package with a gift I got for her when I was away. She picked it up and we were going to open it and talk about it together, after work.

Someone was in her office. Fucking figures. She couldn't call me till almost 6. Of course, bf was on his way there for some errand or other, so not only did we not get to open the package together, we only got about 7 minutes to talk.

Fuck. I miss her so much.

Plus she described what she was wearing today - another long time ritual of ours. (Pants, tight tailored jacket, bodysuit, heels. Fuck I would give anything to see her in that. In anything for that matter.) I felt like my entire world was coming crashing down on me. No time. No time. No time. I just want to hear her voice, know that she's spending time with me, that she wants to spend time with me.

I'm not going to make it. Not having her is too hard.

She did say she liked my gift though, that it made her smile. At least I was able to touch her a little bit.

I miss you B.

God I miss you.

Back and Forth, Up and Down

I wonder if I should get my head checked? (That's a rhetorical question, because the answer is an unequivocal YES!) I should probably get my medications reviewed, anyway. I haven't mentioned it before, but I'm on meds for depression. Somehow I'm guessing that doesn't come as too much of a surprise.

Depression and getting better (or at least, coming out of it a bit) is not what I want to talk about here - I'll save that for another day. In many ways, I'm a different person now than a couple years ago before I started getting treatment. I've always been emotional, to an extent. Probably moreso than most men, but not overly so. More along the lines of enjoying certain chick flicks, or getting choked up at movies, or enjoying poignant moments. But I've never been very demonstrative with them, certainly not with tears.

I'm not sure of the correlation, if there is one, between all the things that are happening in my life and the ease with which they come and the frequency of my tears. I wonder if emerging from depression has allowed me to express my emotions as is really my character? Maybe this is the way I really am and during my depression (-decades!-) everything just stayed subdued. On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if perhaps my meds are responsible, maybe I'm overly emotional because of them. Don't know, but it's possible.

I'm not going to discount another significant possibility - B. She's certainly shook up the rest of my world, my head, my self. Many times I've wondered if maybe my feelings for her are just so strong, so overpowering that the way I react now is the natural result of my relationship with her. I really believe that the depth and extent of my feelings for her far outdistance any past relationship. When she says something that touches me, deeply touches me, I can't hide my emotions. When I'm hurt by her (not -by- her, but because of something about her), tears come. I don't feel like I'm being a "sissy" - I don't believe men should be ashamed of displaying their emotions. I do wonder, though, if I'm being overly emotional. Hence, my wonder about having my meds checked.

When I think about B, especially now after basically "losing" her, and I think about how I feel about her or what she means to me or what she's brought to my life, or how things could have been, I can feel the happy tears. They don't come out necessarily, although they have. It's more of a welling up inside, a balloon of happiness and warmth that fills my chest, then my body and then my soul with happiness and warmth and comfort ... and her.

When I think about B and what we've lost, about the things we can't have now, the things we won't have, it's different. Many times the tears do come, or at least enough to wet my eyes. There's such a feeling of loss, of despair, or cosmic unfairness, that I can't help it. I love her and I want her and I think she feels the same, so why can't it be that way!! I don't understand, not at all. Every bit of me wants to rail against the wrongness of things being this way, to protest the fucking galactic unfairness of it all, and the emotions just come out. I can't help it.

And then there's the times when we're talking or IM'ing and she'll say something and it'll just all come crashing down on me. For example, last week she wrote me an email, the first in a long, long time (happiness enough!). She wrote that she'd thought about me the night before and realized that there were things she hadn't tokd me in a long time and she wanted to. The email was nothing but upbeat and friendly and obviously written to someone special to her (uh, that'd be me).

I read it. Several times. Eventually probably dozens of times. I've read it today another 4 or 5 times. Anyone who received a letter like this would be touched, as I was. But then I started reading between the lines, picking out lines and wondering what they mean, what she really meant by them. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, perhaps self-flaggellation is what I'm truly best at.

She wrote: "You are someone I could fall in love with, easily." Wouldn't any reasonably sane person take that as a compliment, as something special? I did take it that way. I also read into it as though she were saying "You are someone I could fall in love with, easily, if I were looking for love. Since I'm not, I'm not in love with your or falling in love with you." And that said to me that she didn't, hadn't, doesn't love me, when I thought she did, does. And that made me want to cry. I felt like I'd be dismissed almost, like everything (I thought) I'd been to her was swept aside.

She also wrote "...although I’m not able to give you what you want out of this relationship...". Wouldn't most people take this as a simple statement of what is (or maybe better, what isn't)?. I took it as though she were saying to me, once and for all, finally, that "there's no way we're going to be together, no way we're going to be any more to each other than we are now". That she's not going to leave him, now or ever. That she doesn't, isn't going to, and can't love me like I love her. That we're not going to meet, not for lunch, not just to finally meet, certainly not to be lovers, not to be partners. Then I wonder, does she mean it that way? Maybe she's saying it for herself, almost like "I'm sorry, I want to, but I just can't give you what we both want out of this". No, I conclude. She must be telling me, with finality, that what is, is and what isn't won't be.

The last one: "Even if we, for whatever reasons, are not in each other’s live any longer, I will always carry you with me." Fuck!! Is there much room for misinterpretation there? Is she not telling me that we won't be in each others' lives? I don't it doesn't say that, directly. I know it says "if", but still.

Put these all together and you have disaster. I managed to turn what was meant as a warm, sincere, intimate letter, what should have been perceived as a communication from someone who truly cares about me into something negative.

Even worse, she called and heard in my voice what I was feeling. No only did that hurt her because I was obviously not responding in a positive way to what she wrote, but it made her feel almost betrayed in a way, because she opened up to me and I turned it into something less.

Fuck. What the hell is wrong with me?

Standing On The Edge of the Abyss

I should be at a near lifetime high right now. I should be. But I'm not. Quite the opposite, I feel as though I'm standing on the edge of the abyss, my toes hanging over the edge and I'm looking down into the darkness of my future.

I should be happy. Or, at least, happier. I've gotten almost everything I wanted. I'm going to be single again. I've learned a lot about myself sexually. I'm going to have my "freedom" again - freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. No responsibilities to speak of. Footloose and fancy free. Carefree.

So why am I miserable most of the time?

Mind you, I did not, DID NOT, leave my marriage to be with B. It may look like that. I know W thinks that's the case. I maintain that it is not. B happened to come into my life at about that time. She helped me clarify what I wanted in my life, what I didn't want, why I was so unhappy. I wasn't looking for a replacement for W. I'm still not. Frankly I have no interest in finding one at this time. But I would take B as my partner, if she'd have me. But that was not "the plan". It just so happened that a woman who fit what I really want in a woman came along earlier than expected. That woman is B.

A year of thinking about what my future life will be like later, things have changed. B will not be there with me. She never said she would, though. But I certainly thought she would be here, be an integral part of my life, my future. And now I have to adjust to the cruel truth that she won't. She'll be in my life, because we'll still be friends, the best of friends. But I won't have her heart, won't have her next to me. And the loss of her in my future is almost unbearable. It's a crushing loss, an insurmountable defeat.

I don't know how I'll be able to go ahead. I will, one painful day at a time. But it seems like an impossible task. She'll be there, as my friend, and I know that when I need her that she'll be there. But she won't be there with me. That's what's so painful. I know what it'd be like with her next to me. And I can't have it.

I can't have it because she chose bf.

I lost.

I lose.

I'm not sure I can handle that. How can I?

A Talk with W

Talked with W last night. She's modified her divorce settlement proposal. She came back with what I thought was surprisingly fair. Maybe not too surprisingly. I've always felt she was an upstanding woman, still do. She's hurting still, although getting it under control, and I understand that.

On the other hand, she's also ready to move quickly to finalize this chapter of her life. She wants to be done, free of me, so she can move on with her life.

I don't blame her. I've caused her a lot of hurt, a lot of pain and she's ready to stop hurting. She deserves that much, at least.

Another High. Another Low.

B called me this morning. She usually does, after she gets in and gets her work day started. She was in early today, which is not unusual, and she called me about an hour after she got in. In the old days, she'd have called me asap, but then, these aren't the old days. And anyway, I really can't complain - she called, which is what counts.

There's no way I can describe what it does to me to hear her voice. It's the highlight of my day. It's what I've been waiting for since we talked last Friday. I've thought about her, the sound of her voice, all weekend. I've waited for it. Longed for her. Every second that she talks to me, I feel as though she's touching me, physically.

As we talk, I feel everything welling up in me again. And again. ALL my desire, all my love, all my want for her. All the pain I felt, still feel, for having lost her, for not being her chosen.

How is it even humanly possible to be at the same time so ecstatic and so despondent?

I ask her how her weekend was, how things are with her and bf. "Fine." I guess I knew that she would not want to be very forthcoming. For one thing, she's not one to talk about her problems with anyone. She will with me, when the time is right, when she can get there. But not so early in our week, our conversations - she needs time to kinda 'warm up', to reconnect some, before she can get that personal. Of course, she's also always aware of my presence. She's guarded about telling me anything because of my interest in her. If she tells me things are good and getting better, she knows it'll hurt me. If she tells me that things are not good, maybe even getting worse, then she feels I'll be wanting to hear that. I can't tell her she's completely wrong, because she's not. But I'm trying, I really am, to be bigger than that. Yes, I still want her with all my heart, with very bit of my heart, but I try to put her welfare above that. If her and bf are really mending things, making things better, then I am happy for her, because I think that will be good for her. (I don't think it'll make her happy, but that's another issue altogether.) If her and bf are not doing well, if things are really painful for her, then I want to be able to offer suggestions on how to improve things, even though doing so feels like I'm cutting my heart to pieces. But ultimately, it comes down to the fact that I LOVE HER, so I know in my heart that I have to do anything I can to make her happy. Even if that means pushing her toward bf, helping her build that relationship into the central relationship in her life.

I'm so conflicted. I've never loved anyone this much. I've never cared for anyone elses' happiness as much as I do for hers. And I've never felt this much loss in my life. Ever. Sometimes I'm not sure I can take it. Can I take a lifetime of not having her? Even that is a rhetorical question, because I don't have a choice in the matter.

Have I mentioned how much I love this woman?

Something to talk about... or not

Last week we decided to do something we'd talked about for a little while - read a book together. We figured out we'd do something like our own mini-book club; read something and then spend time talking about it. If it seems a little forced, it's not. She's such an interesting person and she's got such a range of interests and she loves to read (although like me has had little time to do so for quite a while). Not only that, but her tastes in books and movies is much broader than you might expect - certainly not your typical female interests. She almost hates romance stuff, doesn't like chick flick, but does love suspence, action, mystery, spy stuff, etc. Do I love this woman or what?

So anyway, we decided we'd read a book together and talk about it. Such a simple idea, yet so intriguing - I couldn't wait to get started. She picked the first book - a current action/suspense book by a popular author. We decided that instead of reading the whole thing and then discussing it, we'd do it more or less in lockstep, by reading a block of pages (the same block, obviously) and then discussing them.

It's been a week and we haven't yet found time to talk about the book. One of the ways things that tells me I'm less important to B is that she won't make time for us anymore. She used to. She used to call me whenever she had something she wanted to tell me. Or just to say hi. She used to take longer lunches so we could talk, spend some time together. Now she barely leaves the office and when she does, we can't talk because we don't have the phones anymore. But even before we lost the phones she's been less and less willing to spend time at lunch.

Could she have made time this week? I'd think so. Yesterday was a perfect opportunity (at least based on what I know of her schedule, etc). Everyone else cut out of her office yesterday by 5; she can easily stay till 6 without bf getting crazy. But she didn't, wouldn't. She said she had to run an errand. I'm sure she did. But I'm thinking if it was important to her to talk to me, to spend time with me, wouldn't she have set aside the time when it was at all possible for us to talk and run her errand another time, like at lunch?

Again today we could make time. Sometimes the office closes early on Fridays. So conceivably, she could tell bf that she's working late, till 5 or so, without really making him suspicious. Instead, she says that because she didn't get her errand run yesterday, and the place closes at 2:30, that she has to leave promptly at 2. Fuck me. Again, they're not open at lunch? Does she not see that those hours would be perfect for us to be able to spend time together? If she does, then why won't she, what's her reasoning? If she doesn't realize it, why not? She certainly would have before.

Am I left to conclude, being led to conclude, that this is not important to her anymore?

Getting back to being friends

I've noticed something positive in my talks with B lately, say the last week or so. The friend part of our interactions is coming back. What I mean is that we're having more talks where we really talk as friends about all kinds of things instead of spending all our time talking about our relationship (which is always started by me).

I like it. It brings back good feelings.

It's reminiscent of our lost night and weekend talks. Yes, those talks were frequently a large part sex talk, but not always. It was never a given that we'd phone fuck during those talks, but it was a given that we'd talk and have conversation and just enjoy the time we could spend together. It's hard to explain how much those conversations meant to me. I've never been much of a talker - mostly coz I never really felt I had much to say. I always preferred to listen, and only interject when I had something to add. Not with B though. Our conversations have always been easy, always been natural. Sure, I miss our sex times, but I really, really miss our big blocks of talk time.

We've been consciously trying to get away from so much relationship talk. Well, truthfully, she's been trying to get me away from it, as it's been heavy on my mind for a long time and I've been pulling all our talks back to that for some time now. The thing to remember about our relationship is that above all, we're friends. We like each other, find each other interesting and engaging, and for many reasons, we get something from the other that we don't seem to get anywhere else. So, with some success, we've been making our way back to the types of conversations that got us to know each other so well.

Being at fault

B and I had good chats yesterday afternoon before she left work. We talked a lot about relationships, hers, mine and ours. She's still trying to stay where she's at, to keep at it in order to make him feel better, to relieve his hurt. Thing is, I'm still not sure she really wants to be there.

I can completely understand her reasoning about not wanting to hurt an SO. And I understand what she means when she says the hurt he feels is her fault (for getting involved with me, ie. kinda cheating on him). I understand, I really do. But I also try to tell her something she told me some time ago - we can't control who we love. My feeling is that, fine, she's in a relationship that she's been in for 6 years. Yet, she placed an ad on an adult dating/sex site, which I responded to. True, she was only looking for email, chat and IM contacts, but nevertheless, clearly there was something missing which she needed to go elsewhere to find.

So she found someone and became sexually interested, intellectually engaged and emotionally involved; is that something to be at fault for? My feeling is that if the relationship wasn't strong enough or healthy enough or she wasn't getting from it what she needed, then finding me wasn't and isn't a terrible thing, certainly not something she should feel at fault for.

Making Your Decision

B, you're at a time in your life where you're on the verge of making (actively or not) a decision that will affect the rest of your life. You're either gonna stay with him (at least for now) or leave. There are many many things that have to factor into your decision. First is just your life. At this point, whether you stay or go, your life is going to change. How do you see the changes at home? What would the changes be if you split up? Certainly your financial situation would change, for a while at least, although I'm sure you'd still be very comfortable. There's family things - if you stay, not so much, but certainly if you go, there's gonna be stuff from your family. I suppose it's possible there'd be contact from his as well perhaps trying to persuade you back. If you split, you or he might wind up with the house and things, whatever, and might buy the other out, or sell and split proceeds. You might wind up in the house, alone, or in an apartment. Whatever the actual events are, doesn't matter, just so we agree that either way, stay or go, this is an important time, an important decision (or non-decision) in your life, no?

Look just at the next ?six? months. What will they be like if you stay? What will they be like if you don't (and leave out the bf contact related to splitting stuff, etc)? I'm talking about your daily/social/sex life. Again, the details aren't so important right now. What's important is that we agree, that you agree, on the magnitude of what's happening in your life right now, that it will affect and shape your life for a long time.

So. You have a relationship with bf, whom you love. Things are not great, but they're decent. You're not satisfied with many things in your life. You have a pretty good idea of what things can change and what can't, and of what you'll have to give up if you stay, and what you'll get if you stay.

You have a relationship with me. You have feelings for me and you damn well know how I feel about you. You wonder what it would be like with me and even though you say you don't let yourself go there, you have, I'm sure. You can picture a life with me in it (not necessarily life partner, but real world, at least). You have some idea of what your daily, social, emotional, sexual life would be like. You have a good idea of what I'm like.

Now, you're at the point in your life where you are going to make a decision, either actiely or through inaction. You want desperately to be fair to bf, to be good to him. You feel a need, as you should, to do what's right for you. (I think you subjugate your own interests too much, but that's just my opinion.) This decision will affect the rest of your life. Not just a year or two or five, but all the rest of your life. You have a relationship with bf. You feel a pull, a draw to me. You've said that you won't meet me because it might affect your ability to make the right decision.

Well, how can you possibly make an informed decision, a decision that takes into account everything that is in your life now and that affects your life now, WITHOUT MEETING ME? Besides being incredibly unfair to me, isn't it also unfair to you? Aren't you making a decision without having all the facts? True, you wouldn't KNOW unequivocally all about me just from a meeting, but don't you owe it to yourself (and me, and in some ways bf) to meet me and see what i'm like? Maybe we just can't be in the same room together. Wouldn't you hate to come to me only to find out you can't stand being around me? Likewise, maybe we can't keep our hands off each other (sexually, emotionally, intellectually). Wouldn't you hate, wouldn't it be foolish, wouldn't it be shortchanging YOU if you decided to stay without knowing? Hell B, maybe I can't stand being around you! (Ok, stop laughing... I know it's not likely)

We should meet. For both of our sakes. I am not saying we should meet and fuck, although if we met, i don't think fucking would be a bad thing, but certainly not required. How, in all fairness to yourself, can you pretend to make an informed decision without having ever met? Wouldn't say, 4 hours pretty much tell you most of what you need to know? At least enough to -feel- informed?

Do you WANT to make an informed decision?

The Emotional Rollercoaster

So many days seem to be the same way - up, down, up, down. And not just up & down, I mean way fucking up and then way fucking down, into the depths.

What does it mean that the same person, B, can evoke such feelings in me? Just talking to her or chatting with her makes me happy. When we're "on", really connecting, it makes me ecstatic. I love talking to her, about anything. Then something happens, usually precipitated by me, that just knocks me off the cliff and into the depths of hell. Often I seem to set myself up; I ?expect? a certain response, or kind of response, and when I don't get it, then I just crash and burn.

When I'm high on her, the world is great, nothing bothers me, the future has potential. But when I'm down, NOTHING matters. I can't work. I can't eat. I can't even fucking think straight. Some might call my attraction to her obsession. Maybe. But I don't see it that way.

I can't believe I'm walking away... Then don't!

A couple of days ago B said this to me in a chat:

"I can't belive I'm walking away from what you have

to offer and have already given me".

I wanted to respond to her in chat, but couldn't, didn't have the time. So I wrote her this in an email, which she has yet to read. She kinda knows the subject and I'm not even sure she will read it.

B,
(Please grant me some leeway, k?) Then don't walk away b.. please don't.. a year ago - remember when W found the chat I left on the pc at home? - something I said in that chat (best I can remember) "I'm holding out my hand to you... take a chance, come walk with me, let's explore all that's waiting". I know where you stand on your relationship and I think I know why you've made the decision you made, even though I don't think you're happy about it ("nothing to look forward to" and "trying to live up to the decision I made to stay with bf" stick in my head). Whether it's loyalty or guilt or wanting to ease his pain or maybe even the love you do feel for him, it seems to me you're not happy - like you're resigned to your future. Fuck B - you're only 20-something, at least you've only got 50 more years there.

I can't tell you that what you feel for him isn't enough, or that you won't settle in and make a decent life. Hell for all I know he's the one you love with all your heart, now and forever. I just don't get that feeling though. I want to steal you away B... more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I know we can't guarantee what it'd be like - truthfully, it scares me a little because I know I'd have to work at it.. I could not (and do not want to) just go through the motions of a life with you... You are worth more, you'd demand more. and frankly, I want to give you more. I -want- to give you my full attention, my mind, my heart. It would be a gamble for you. Certainly there's the potential of significant financial changes. It probably feels like leaving one for another.

I know what I feel B. I know what I think you feel although I don't know for sure. I've said all along that life is too short to not get what you want. I want you, I want a life with you, but I have no control over that. I think (again with what I think) you want it too. I think you're very torn over what bf's feeling, over how you leaving would affect him, over what everyone would think or say. You know how torn I was about my divorce decision. The main reason I waffled for so damn long was because of the effect it'd have on her. Like you, I considered staying just to make it easier on her, to take away that pain. Could I have faked it? Maybe. Maybe even after enough time had passed, I'd have even come to be comfortable. If I perceive your situation correctly, I think you're in the same spot. The thought of hurting him more is terrible. But how terrible is the thought of not looking forward to your life?

You probably have already thought to yourself that "eventually" things will be bearable, and then ok. B - honestly, is "ok" what you want from life? You're probably a bit concerned about what your family and friends, even his family would say if you left. What have you always said about your family? "As long as you were happy, they'd be happy".

B, I don't think you're happy. Hell I know you're not - you've said it, that you have "nothing" in your life, nothing to look forward to. Fuck. What kind of future is that? Is he happy now? Sure he still has you, but is he happy? How many years do you think you'll have to account for your time before he's comfortable? How long can you do that? Do you think he's as happy now as he could be with anyone else? More importantly - are you? (and don't restrict the question to me).

I've said many many times - please, please, please do not give up your future and your happiness in the hope of making him hurt less and feel better. In the end you'll both lose out. Trust me, giving up your life in a selfless attempt to make someone else happy is NOT what you want to do. Ultimately it won't make you happy, won't make them happy, and they'll never even know or appreciate the magnitude of your sacrifice.

Ok, since my license for leeway is running out.... There are no guarantees, ever. but I promise you that I would never make you feel neglected or controlled or overpowered or leashed or caged. Yeah, I'm appealing to you. Come to me. Even if we were to fail, and I don't think we would, do you think you'd be better off having tried, maybe failed, but learned and lived, or giving up now?

Wednesday, 1/19, part deux

Had a good day with B. We chatted a fair amount, talked on the phone a little. Even better? The freakin' highlight of the day was we had some IM sex! I wasn't sure I'd be able to overcome her resistance (what with everything going on with her at home), but I did.

She's so sexy. So unbelievably sexy. When we talk/have sex (again, only virtual or phone, coz we've never met - yet (yeah, I'm still hopeful)), we mesh, we fit together so perfectly.

If you've ever had phone sex with anyone, you know that it can be very easy to achieve the appearance of having great sex, of "being in tune" with each other. Be as skeptical as you want, but I'm telling you that it's not that way with her. We just fit so well together. Yin & Yang. His and Hers. Food and drink. It's amazing. When I'm with other people (past or present) sex, making love, fucking (take your pick, they're all the same, yet all very different), no matter how much you're into it, enjoying it, no matter how many times you've done it with that person before, there's always a little bit of your mind that's thinking ahead - "what next? Lick her? squeeze tit? pull hair?". Somewhere in your mind you're planning what to do next.

Not with B. When I'm with her our sex is fluid, smooth, unplanned, unchoreographed. It just IS. It's as though her body talks to mine and vice versa. That little part of the brain that would normally be thinking about what to do next is basically just sitting there, enjoying the ride, wondering where the hell the directions are coming from. And that's the amazing thing - they're coming from her, from me, from us.

Yeah, yeah. I know, sounds corny, contrived, whatever. It's okay if you don't believe, because I do. I know. We've done things like both written down what we think our first kiss would be like, or our first fuck. Mind you, we did this independently. Our descriptions were amazingly similar. So similar it was a little scary.

When we (virtual) fucked today.. well, actually we didn't fuck - I was under her desk and ate her to a rousing cum. When we did that, when I was writing to her what I would be doing next, there was never any thought required on my part to figure out what to do next. I swear, it's as though I could hear her body talking to me. I just knew what to do next, what to say next. And she again told me that I knew just exactly what to do.

She is amazing. And amazingly sexual and sensual. It's such a shame - she can't be who she really is sexually in the relationship she's in. But when we're together, she's open and sexual and sensual and it's so natural for her.

I want her.

Wednesday, 1/19

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Got to IM with B a fair amount and even talked on the phone about 3 times, for a total of several minutes. Seems strange to think that simple minutes on the phone with someone could be so important.

I wish I could figure out where B's head is really at. She's sticking by her decision to stay with bf, yet it seems to me that she's really unhappy being there.
I'll admit that I don't know for sure, but it seems to me that she's staying out of some sense of loyalty or something. I believe it has to do with the stereotypical story of someone having an affair and leaving one relationship for another, something she has always said she can't ever see herself doing. Truth of the matter is, I admire her for that. Of course, I also want her to do that exact thing - leave him for me. It wouldn't really be like that though - if she left him, she'd insist on being on her own for awhile. We'd start seeing each other, I'm sure, but there would be no immediate becoming a couple.

Yesterday she said something to me that I'm still trying to process, still trying to figure out exactly what it means, and if it means that she's wavering or that there's still a chance for us. She said (IM'd) 'i can't believe i'm "walking away" from what you have to offer and have already given me'. What can I glean from this? (Warning: entering over-analysis mode!)

Doesn't it have to mean that she really feels that we could have something special together? That she likes what I have to offer, likes who I am? It also tells me that she's still walking away though, still deciding to be with bf. And yet, doesn't it somehow, to some degree, indicate that she's at least examining her decision, that maybe it doesn't seem as clear cut as it might have been before?

I wrote her a pretty long response, which she hasn't read yet. I wonder if she'll read it and if she does, will she respond? And if she responds, will it be 'favorable' to me/us? You can't imagine how much I hope today brings her closer to me.

Tuesday, 1/18

Almost every day when I wake up, thoughts of B cross my mind before I even get out of bed. She's with me all the time. If she winds up staying with her bf and we never get together, never get the chance to see what we're like together, it'll always be one of, if not the disappointment of my life. There's no way to describe what she means to me without sounding smarmy, syrupy sweet, textbook romantic or like puppy love.

I love her. I love her for the sex we would share, but even more I love her for -her-. She's so amazing. She's smart, funny, sharp. She takes no crap from anyone. She has a wicked sense of humor. She likes action/suspense movies more than chick flicks. She's a successful business owner. She's sexy and sensual and sexual and she knows it; she doesn't flaunt it, but she knows that she's a very sexual woman. I love her. I've never met her.

Talked a little this morning, always a highlight of my day (anytime we talk). Bf has a thing tonight. She never used to go to them. Before me, she went occasionally, but didn't really care for it. After we started talking, these nights were our time, a chance for us to have as much as 2.5 hrs together, talking. These nights were always something I looked forward to, very very much. Now they're gone, again. Maybe not forever, but for the foreseeable future anyway. Ever since he found the phone, she's been almost completely unable to get any time alone, much less time after hours to call me. His thing starts tonight and she said she'll probably go, most likely will go. She didn't say it this time (although she has in the past), but I could hear in her voice that she's not happy about having to go. Missing our time together, her feeling trapped, all that makes me sad, makes her sad as well - she says she misses our times together.

Trying to be.. normal?

It's so difficult to hear her talk about her weekend. She makes it sound like everything is fine at home, that the change in our relationship, the distance she's putting between us is all just fine with her.

I don't believe it. Maybe I should, but I certainly don't want to.She tells me everything is fine at home. I read between her words. What does fine mean? Does it mean that she's 'turned a corner', that she's putting her full effort into making her relationship with bf work? I don't think so, at least I don't want to believe that. I know too much about her and her feelings for her home life to think so. Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

It is entirely possible that I've built myself up to be more important to her than I really am (or was). Very possible. If I've done that, made myself believe what wasn't true, then that hurts. In a couple of ways. On the other hand, if I really did mean more to her and she's now able to just turn away, put me away and possibly out of her life forever, that's an almost unbearable hurt.

If I've fooled myself, then fine - I'm a fool. It hurts because I didn't really think that at my age I'd still be susceptible to that level of self-delusion. Not really sure why I thought I might be immune to that, because in all honesty, I'm very good at believing what I want to believe, even when that little voice inside is saying to be careful. So this hurt would be because a) I've allowed myself to believe what I want to believe, whether the facts warrant it our not, and b) she doesn't feel for me what I thought she felt for me. The first one - eh, not so bad. I can live with it, because I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again. The second one though - bad. Very bad. I don't want to face up to the fact that I may not have been to her what I thought I was.

The "on the other hand" hurt is so much worse. What if I did mean more to her (even if not as much as I thought I did) and she can just turn away? Fuck. What do I make of that? She told me many times that she wasn't "in love" with bf, but that she did love him. Maybe that love was so much more than I thought. Was she downplaying it to make me feel more comfortable? (Doesn't seem like something she'd do.) If I am (or was) important to her, really important, how could she just turn away? Does it mean that whatever she feels for bf is so much more? Was it always that way, or is she just overcompensating now?

Another Week

Another weekend, another week.

I can't talk to her on the weekends anymore... at least not for the foreseeable future.
We used to talk for hours on weekends, whenever possible. Sometimes we had 3, 4 even 5 hours to talk and talk we did. We'd cover everything from current events to music to history to relationships to bad drivers - anything and everything was fair game. It was really special because there was no "goal", no "destination", our conversations had absolutely no purpose other than two people talking. It really was a great time.

We had special phones that we could talk to each other on/with. Had those for almost a year. Then bf found her phone. FUCK. Not only did it obviously cause her some difficulties, but she lost the phone. FUCK. Now we were back to calling cards and payphones and all that.

Even more ?painful? was the fact that now, I had absolutely NO way to initiate contact with B. Well, IM sure, but that's not quite the same, ya know? I used to leave her voice mails almost every morning on the way to work. She'd call me during her commute. I always loved those calls, too. Nothing like talking to someone special, having someone special call you, every morning, you know? I'd walk out of the office and go to my car, often drive to a deserted part of the complex, and we'd talk for 15, 20 even 30 minutes on her way to work. Back then, it seemed like such a normal thing, so commonplace; I mean, we're talking EVERY DAY we had these calls. I'm not going to say I took them for granted, because I don' t believe I did, but man do I miss them now.

And now it's almost an hour after she got to work and no word from her yet. That's not too unusual, because she usually gets ambushed with problems and crap from her employees as soon as she walks in the door. I know this. It's always been like this, but when we had the phones, at least I almost always got her for a few minutes before she got to work. Now, I'm here, unable to initiate contact, waiting for her.

This is difficult because I know how she is: she's very focused. Once she's in work mode, she's there. I've seen her go 4 hours without even getting to her desk. So any delay in talking to her at work is pretty normal. I think what really gets me, even hurts in some way, is that she doesn't want to call me just as soon as she possibly can. It's certainly what I would do.

But I will wait. Because it's her.

Absence and the heart

Been outta touch with B for a almost 2 days due to travel. I hate being out of touch. Unfortunately, I think she's okay with it, coz it makes it easier for her to seperate herself, to allow her to be more 'there'... which frankly I don't think is what she really wants. But, I could be wrong... wouldn't be the first time.

full
It's always been that when we've been outta touch for awhile that I want to somehow pull us closer when we do finally talk. That's always bugged her a bit.. and even more so now.

How can love be so one-sided? And that's not right either, coz I know she has feelings for me.

Why can life & love be so unfair?

A Plea

B... I want to do, am willing to do, whatever it takes, anything, to keep us as best friends. And not 'crippled' no-negative-or-tough-stuff friends. But all out, real friends, like we know we have been, can be, and really are.
You're upset with me, I know. You're hurting in your life in many ways, most caused directly or indirectly by me. You think I'm not acutely aware of that?

You know, one reason you're staying where you are is because "it's easier" (you've said that). Well, it's easier to say we're not, or that I can't be the friend to you I want to be because "it's too difficult for me to keep my personal wants out of the advice". It's easier, but is it what you want? Are you really willing, do you really want to cut us apart because I care for you?

You'll scoff at this, but B, you will not find -anyone- who cares for you more. I know in my heart, beyond a doubt, that I love you more than anyone else you'll ever meet - bf included. For g-ddamn sure I like you more than anyone you've ever known or will ever know. Know why? Because I -know- you B. You've given me the supreme gift of yourself, your innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears. I know many of those things about you. Those things show me that you're not perfect (but still keeping you on the pedastal), and I still like you, still love you. Not in spite of those things, but maybe because of them.

You know in your heart that there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You know, or have a pretty damn good idea of just how much you mean to me, both as a friend and as the woman I love. I know you know. You know that if you needed me in any way, to be in (your city), or moral support, or monetary or whatever, that I would drop everything to be there for you. You fucking well know it, don't you? You think it's easy for me to have to give up the woman I love? I FUCKING LOVE YOU B. I love you. I like you. I want you. I would do anything for you, including, if g-d forbid you wanted it, leaving your life completely. It makes me dizzy and nauseous to even think of it, but B, if you say the word, and if you can tell me that you mean it with all your heart that you want me completely out of your life, I will go. I hope that's not what you want; I don't think it is.

But if we are to stay in each others' lives B, and I believe we will, I hope we will, then let's be in each others' lives and be to each other what we are - the best, most special, most dear, most intimate friends that we are. We can be friends and not be lovers. It hurts, but we can do it. I would rather have you in my life as my best friend than to lose you because you can't be my lover. Do you get that B? But you have to understand this, and you must let it always be a part of your mental image of me: I love you. Understand? I want you for my wife. Do you get that? I would like to have you by my side as my partner for the rest of my life. Do you understand what that means? Can you understand the depth of my feelings for you? I can see that these things might be ?a lot? to carry around when you don't want me in the same way. I can understand that but I can't help it. Those feelings will always be there B.

Fuck - try to understand: I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. -Anyone-. And I've never even met you. Maybe that's the part that's hard for you to understand - that I could have such feelings for someone I've never met. I told you yesterday B that within weeks of us "meeting" I knew I loved you. It was love at first sight, without the sight. Maybe you find that hard to believe. I did, but after all we've been through, after the love we've shared, the troubles we've weathered, the fights we've had, the touching of souls that I have felt (even if you haven't) I have no doubt. None. None whatsoever. So not only do I have to carry with me the crushing fact that the woman that I love doesn't want me, now I see that she seems to not want my friendship either because of the way I feel toward her. Fuck. What do I do with that?

I thought I knew what was in your heart B, but you're doing a good job of convincing me that either you've lost those feelings for me or that they were never there and I've just been fooling myself all along. It hurts, it really hurts, in either case. But truthfully, it doesn't change how I feel about you. You said "we can't control who we love". You're so right. I love you. Now I've lost you, probably lost whatever love you had for me, and it feels as though I'm on the brink of losing you from my life altogether. That's crushing B. Absolutely crushing. I can't go backwards; I can't pretend you don't exist and somehow go through the motions of being back in my marriage. And without you I don't see how I can go forward. At least if I still have you in my life, I still have some part of you. Frankly, the most important part - your mind and your affection. Yes, I want your love and your body and your life, but even if I had those, they'd be nothing without your mind and your affection.

B, baby, love - I want you in my life and I want to be a part of yours. I'm prepared to accept that there'll always be a hole in my heart where you belong. I can accept that either I don't have enough of what you want for you to want me or that bf has more of it. I can share in your life and joys with him. I can be happy for you at the same time I mourn what we never had the chance to have. Yes, it hurts me. Has, does, always will. But because you bring so much more to my life, it's a price I'm willing to pay. And there's no doubt in my mind, and I'm sure you know it too, but I'm making it clear right now - that I will always want you. There will be times when we talk, or when I give you advice or suggestions or joke with you, that you'll feel my desire for you, the heartache I have because I can't have you and that may make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry, really I am. But I cannot help how I feel for you and about you. I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't. You're too special B. Not only to me, but as a person.

You're a tough cookie - hard to know, hard to figure out. But you are probably the most passionate, most caring woman I think I've ever known. You may not think so, but I see it, I feel it. I know it. I am in awe everyday that you chose me, ME to open up to. I don't deserve it, but I sure am glad you did. If you walk out of my life today, I'm still better for having known you. When we talk, like the closest of friends would and should talk, like I said you will no doubt feel my feelings for you come through at times. I'm sure it'll slant what I say, maybe color my objectivity. So sue me. You think it's done so I can harm you in some way ?hurt or interfere with? your life with bf? You know better. It's because I'm human B. I'm human, I'm pining for the woman that I love with all my heart that I cannot have and who won't have me. I hurt B. More than I thought possible. but I'm so happy to have you in my life that it makes up for the hurt, the loss, makes up for what I want and can't have.

Instead of being angry that my feelings for you may sometimes make me (consciously or unconsciously) spin things to my benefit, try to understand the hurt and pain I feel and understand how much your friendship means to me that even through all my hurt I can still want to help you, to be there for you, to do whatever I can that you ask of me, even to help you strengthen your love/life/relationship with bf. Do you understand that I should hate him? He has your love. He doesn't give you what you want, but he still has your heart and your love. Because of him you are burying a large part of yourself; you are denying yourself the chance to live the life you want. I should hate him with every ounce of strength in my body. I don't like him, for sure. But that's because he has what I want and can't have. I almost feel sorry for him, because I don't think he has any idea, any real appreciation for who you are. If he did, he wouldn't allow you to bury part of yourself. How could he do that to you? How can he not understand what he has in you?

You were hurt when you knew L and I had sex. Understandable. But please, try to see from my perspective B. I have to know, every single day, that the woman I love is going home to someone with whom she's not completely happy or satisfied with. Every day, I have to know that she chooses him over me. Everyday I have to know that she goes home and kisses him, hugs him, shops with him, watches tv with him, goes out to dinner and drinks with him, strips for him, sucks his cock in the living room, licks his balls in the shower, spreads her legs for him, makes love to him, let's -him- touch her.

You might have been hurt thinking about L and I, but that was NOTHING. That relationship is casual. Yours is not. Yours is a life choice, and a choice that I didn't make the cut on. And I love you. Believe me that you do not know what that feels like. And yet, I'm willing, hell excited, to hear about your life, your love life, your sex. I want to talk about the details with you, suggest things that you and he can do to make your love, your life, your sex better between you and bf.

Don't you have to ask how I can do that? But you already know the answer B. Because I love you. More than you know, more than I could believe, more than ever before, more than any to come. I believe that with my heart. Yesterday I told you that I'd been holding back on revealing all my feelings about you, and hadn't told you about my want/dream/desire to propose to you. I held back because I didn't think you wanted to hear or know those things. Maybe I should have, I don't know. Doesn't matter I guess, it's too late now, I've already lost.

Now I want you to know the extent of my feelings, even though now you probably want to know even less than ever. Today I can tell you that even though the pain I feel from losing you, or not winning you, or not being enough of what you want, whatever the reason I can't have you, that pain is overshadowed by the joy and happiness I feel from having you as no one else has you - as my friend. My very best friend. And that joy would be overshadowed if I knew that I was to you the friend unlike any other. The friend that, even though I can't have you and can't have your heart and your love, I have the friendship that you don't, won't, give to anyone else.

We are in tough times right now B. We, or I, at least, have a lot of adjusting to do. I thought I was more of a love to you than I was. I didn't realize how much you wanted to be there with bf, or maybe I just thought I heard you say you were more unhappy than you really are. I'm sorry for the pains my self-lies caused you. I'm sorry too, for me, that what I thought was, really wasn't. But again, over and above it all, I'm so happy that you have wanted me for your friend, a singularly special friend. Please, if there's anyway, please consider keeping me in your life. At least give me the chance to see if I can be enough of the type of friend that you are willing to keep in your life. If I can't, if I fail at that too, then you should make yourself free of me. But even if that were to occur, I will still love you B. If you come to me out of the blue and tell me you need a friend or want me for a lover, you will have me back in an instant.

I don't know what else to say to you B, that I haven't already said. I don't even know if you'll bother to read all this. Hell, I don't even know right now if I'll ever hear your voice again. Please don't punish me for loving you and for wanting you. I fear it doesn't, but I hope this does mean -something- to you, maybe bring you some little bit of warm feeling - I love you B. Always.

Friends. Good friends. Really, really good friends.

I mentioned my friend B previously.

Everyone should have a friend like B. Anyone who does is lucky beyond measure. Anyone who doesn't just can't even imagine what such a friend is like. I can't even imagine that any person would be lucky enough to have more than one friend like B.

It turns out B & I have several of the same issues. The one that comes to mind first is "Is this all there is?". I mean really - is this all there is to life? Or have I (and she) missed the boat somewhere? Is there a memo I didn't get? Get up, go to work, go home, eat, sleep, repeat. I'm well aware that every moment, every day can't be filled with excitement and something new, but geezus, the excruciatingly mind numbing sameness of day after frikkin' day, all the same, each different in some minute way, but look back on the last 30, 60 or 90 and just try to pick out 3 that stand out in some way. Ya know what? I'll even take some of the blame for not doing more to find hobbies or activities to make things better.

But still..... am I missing something here? Please help me, tell me where I'm wrong, because I just don't understand. Is life destined to be the same crap, over and over and over? Even after changing routines and finding new hobbies the same monotony sets in again. Or is it just me? Does no one else experience this?

I will say this though - when B came into my life, I woke up, in many ways. Talk about shaking your world to its' foundations - that's what she did. And before you go off thinking this is turning out to be a regular old "affair" thing - it's not. Not by a long shot. B and I have conversations, long conversations, about everything. I mean, everything. We've spent 4 and 5 hours talking and covered everything from what some pinhead did in the office the other day, to world events, to how we hate stupid drivers, to where we'd like to see our lives go.

I guess for those of you who have friends or family or spouses with whom you can easily and readily communicate, this might seem like no big deal. But for me, as for B, I'm basically a loner. I generally don't like to just talk. As far as I'm concerned, silence does not have to be filled with noise. If I have something to say, I'll say it. But if I don't, why should I just add to the noise?

With B it's different though. She's genuinely interested in what I have to say, whether the subject be galactic in scale or as trivial as how often I lose pens. Even stranger (to me at least) is that I want to tell her my thoughts. Conversation with B never feels forced or strained (well, not never, more on that at a later time), we just flow together. Have you ever experienced that with anyone? It's a truly amazing sensation. It's also a completely foreign sensation, at least to me, that someone is really, honest, truly and completely interested in me, in whatever I have to say.

And even more, and this is the part that just floors me, I want to talk to her, I want to hear what she has to say about any and everything. I've never been bored listening to her. Why? What's so different about B? Or maybe it's not just B - maybe it's the way I am when I interact with her. So again, why? What's different? To be honest, I don't know, and I've tried to figure it out.

In Spite of Myself...

Have you ever noticed that at times we are our own worst enemy? Why the hell is that?

I have a friend. A very special, very dear friend. Let's call this friend B. B knows me better than anyone else, ever. Yet, I've known B for less than 2 years. B knows things about me that no one else has ever heard, stuff that no one else has probably ever even guessed. B is one person that I know I can talk to about -anything-. Anything at all. B will never judge me, never think I'm weird because of something I say or think or want.

Ok - it's too hard to write about B and be non-gender specific all the time. You've probably guessed anyway that B is a woman. She is amazing in many ways. Almost from the very first moment we talked, I sensed a connection, a very different kind of connection.

So anyway, back to my point - have you ever noticed that we can be our own worst enemy? I know we've all done it. But I've discovered something disturbing. It seems to happen more often when it's a worse time for it to happen.

Let me explain. For reasons which will be covered at another time, B and I have had limited time lately. In fact, because of events outside of the circle of just B and I, our relationship has been, is being, severely tested. B is very strong willed and has very set limits. She can tolerate something, something irritating to her, very well - for a while. Once a line has been crossed, or a subject pushed too far, she'll shut off. The cosmically ironic thing is, I seem to be able to cross that line, to hit that limit, more often than ever lately, at a time when the last thing we need is for me to be crossing that line or hitting those limits.

And the worst thing, the thing that really kills me, is that I always do it with the best intentions. Usually I'm trying to make a point about something (usually something personal). Funny thing is, as soon as I've crossed that line, I know it, almost before she even responds. But once I see her response, I know I've blown it, done it again, dammit. So the net result is instead of pulling her closer, or resolving some issue, I only aggravate the situation.

Damn I hate doing that.

Waking Up

Have you ever woken up or snapped out of a daydream and for just an instant wondered "where the heck am I?" What if you did that and realized that it wasn't a daydream, but your life?

I'm a pretty typical guy.
Educated, professional, traveled, career guy. I've been in the more or less same technical field for twenty five years. I've been pretty successful, career-wise, always moving up or moving for new skills. I've published an article or two, even co-authored a book. (BTW, in case you're wondering, writing technical books, as a rule, sucks.)

Many years ago I married, for the second time. I have children. We moved to a great place, bought a great home, had a pretty good life. We didn't have everything, we weren't wealthy although we didn't lack much. We were healthy, the children were healthy.

One day, well, a day that lasted a couple of months, I began to realize that things just weren't right. Not with her or home or work, but with me. I didn't want to do anything. I mean, nothing. My hobbies no longer interested me. I began to hate work and my profession. I drank more. I socialized less. NOTHING made me happy or interested or involved in the least.

I had never been very sympathetic for people who said they were depressed. "Get over it", I thought. "Quit complaining, what do you have to be depressed about?" I started to read about depression and the lightbulb started to flicker. Could I be depressed?

Meanwhile, a friend had had success with getting treatment for depression. I saw what a difference it made for my friend, so I decided to do the same.

It probably saved my life.