it's a simple fact of life. there's -always- bad news hidden in good news.
(tricky, huh?)
imagine sitting in the doctors office waiting to hear the results of your tests. anxiously, you wait. and wait. and wait. the doctor refuses to give you a straight answer, dancing around the issue. does he not actually -know- the diagnosis or is he trying to think of a way to soften the blow?
tick. tick. tick.
each second ticks by, each second feeling as long as a day or a week, each minute another month of wasted time from a limited amount of remaining time.
tick. tick. tick.
Please doctor! PLEASE! Just give it to me straight! What's the story?!?!?! I can handle it, no matter what it is, really! PLEASE tell me!
finally, an answer...
your life will not begin for at least 60 days. there is absolutely NO CHANCE of you gaining the life you want for at -least- 60 days. mind you, that doesn't mean that in 60 days you'll get the life you've been waiting for. it means that there is absolutely no chance that you'll get that life in less than 60 days.
for real?? six years ago it felt like it was gonna be any day now. and not only is it not any day now, but it's -at least- 60 days away?
yes.
doc, what do i do in the meantime?
whatever.
so, unless something exceptional happens in the next 48 hours (which is, unfortunately, the weekend and she's with someone else all weekend), we aren't going to be together this year or this -DECADE-.
fuck me
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
time lost
this is a tough week. two months ago, I'd picked this week as a very likely week when B would finally leave bf and be with me. sure, I've had -many- nice but imaginary dates picked in the >6 years I've been trying to get her, but this one was an actually possible, if not probable date, at least in light of what I thought the conditions were.
we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.
not so much.
in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).
she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.
because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.
so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.
it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.
i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?
call me stupid.
"you're STUPID!!!"
yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.
she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.
so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?
i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?
and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?
so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.
we were going to start visits in a couple weeks. we'd agreed on a visit schedule (every 2 or 3 weeks, with 2 - 3 visits being HER point at which she'd be able to leave). we were doing good. things were looking up. so, looking forward, this week, six weeks after our initial visit, was the first possible leaving-date milestone. was i a bit optimistic about picking the first possible one? sure. but then, we're not two people tentatively reaching toward each other, still trying to figure out if being together is something worthwhile or something we want to do. we both KNOW. (at least, i know and i think she believes the same.) so frankly, 3 visits and 6 weeks didn't seem crazy optimistic. and truth be told, i really believed that once we saw each other (well, once she saw me, because i'm ready to make the move at any time) i actually believed that that would motivate her, remind her of -us- and spur her on to getting together.
not so much.
in fact, the exact opposite has occurred. all talk of visits has been put aside. visits are less of a certainty now than they've been all year. even though none of them materialized, march, labor day, july 4th were all put out there as possible visit dates. basically, ever since february, there's been a possible visit date on the table; in the future and unconfirmed, yes, but there's always been a potential date out there. now that we've had an actual visit, there are no potential visit dates on the table, no discussion of any visits and frankly, little opportunity on the calendar, thanks to the imminent holiday schedule (and holiday "blackout" period, which'll run till about april).
she wonders why i'm despondent, desperate and frantic.
because i (we) apparently had only -1- shot at it for this year. and since i flubbed that one, i'm (we're) on the shelf until ... sometime in the future. where we've pretty much always been... sometime in the future.
so in the meantime, we're going to stay here, where she believes is the only place for her to get better, to heal enough to let us back into her world. here, seperated by 1100 miles, with no physical contact (nevermind fucking, not even being in the same state), less visual contact (a la skype and pics) than ever and an ever shrinking amount of time to spend together on the phone.
it's that "less is more" philosophy. which, for the record, i've never seen successful in any application. being apart is better than being together. not seeing each other is better for us than seeing each other. not fixing video chat so we can see each other is better than seeing each other on video chat. getting together many months from now and -then- starting the period of slow, painful healing is better than skipping all the painful and harmful-to-our-relationship months in between and starting the slow, painful healing process now. leaving early and skipping a whole afternoon of our talk time is better for us than having that talk time. i wonder (facetiously, of course) if being completely out of touch, no email, no phone, no chat, no snailmail and no chance of any contact and on opposite sides of the planet would make us the strongest, closest, most in touch and happy couple ever.
i -hate- confrontation of any kind, especially of the interpersonal strife variety. but she and this relationship are so important to me that i have to switch over to the "let's face up to it, get the screaming, shouting and crying out of the way so we can get past this and finally start our life together" camp. no matter what, when we finally get together, there's going to be a period of adjustment, a time of tentativeness, of sensitivity and yes, of tears and pain and rejection and hurt. but whether we get together today or six months from now, that period is still going to be there. the difference is that every day we wait to get together causes us more problems, more hurts, more pains, more difficulties. and i believe, sadly, that every day we stay apart works against us. that's the part that really upsets me. she sees it too, yet insists that being apart is the only thing for us right now. really? fuck! haven't we been apart long enough already? how well has being apart worked? when is it time to try something different? let's take the plunge, get our fears under control (and we both have them) for a bit and fucking work this out, face to face. when has there ever been a couple with significant issues, especially trust issues, that's EVER successfully worked them out long distance? i'd say, uh, never. as far as i know, every couple that's ever worked through the kind of difficulties that we have in our relationship has done so the -hard- way, the scary way: face to face, day after day, enduring the pain, listening, talking, hearing, crying, forgiving each other - in PERSON. in person because after the pain and crying and hurt, they're there to support and reassure and touch and hold the other. after all, they do love each other enough to want to make it work or they wouldn't be there, ya know? the pain and hurt isn't the whole of their relationship, it's a -part- of it and their past that they're working through. and you can't keep that hurt and pain in the forefront all the time. so the rest of the time, there's support and togetherness and understanding and love and the comfort of being together. it's not like they're mortal enemies that fall into bloodlust at the sight of the other; there's LOVE there, true love, true companionship, true intimacy and they both want to get past these difficulties so they can get on with the business of living their lives together or again, they wouldn't be there in the first place. so after the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, that recedes, hopefully healed a bit and the togetherness of the -couple- can resume and soothe the pain. how much better to do that than to finish the minutes or hours of hurt and pain, then go completely away from each other and lick your wounds alone in the darkness?
call me stupid.
"you're STUPID!!!"
yeah, i know, or we wouldn't be here to begin with. but we are.
she says she wants me and us and our life more than anything else.
so why are we avoiding the course of action that's most likely to get us where we want to be? instead of taking the one that's practically guaranteed to put more distance, more hurt, more fear and uncertainty into -us-?
i love her so much. g-d, so much. and she says she loves me too and dammit, i FEEL it. how can we be so at opposite ends on this? how can being together be the most imperative thing for me to do -right now- and the last thing she wants to do right now? how can two people SO close, SO of like mind, so -right- for each other be so at odds as to what the best thing to do for -us- is? how can she think the best thing for us to do is what i think the worst? how can what i think the worst thing for us to do be what she thinks the best (and only) thing to do?
and why can't there be any discussion and compromise?
so, i'll do what she wants. i'll sit here and wait until i'm called.
Monday, October 26, 2009
bingeing?
i've been on a bit of a binge lately.
no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.
when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.
and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.
for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.
i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.
whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.
it's not hurting anyone, is it?
no, not boozing; quite the opposite actually. i've been on a spree of getting and making things for my B. i've bought her things; i have four things i just bought her and a couple others that i haven't yet sent that i bought previously. i've spent about 10 hours making something for her. (btw, something that, if we do get together, i hope she'll love and treasure and always keep dear to her as something made by my own hands, specifically for her and only her). i have three other things that i'm also making/working on for her and i have at least 3 others in mind that i'll start as soon as i can.
when i see something that i know she'd like, i want to buy it. not cars or clothes or stuff like that - things that i think will mean something to her, as they do to me. they're usually sentimental things, romantic things, things that appeal to us and who we are to each other, what our life would be like. the things i make for her i make because that's such an intimate thing to do for someone you love, isn't it? to use your own hands to make something that is meaningful and relevant to both of you. i also, perhaps a little too fantasy-romantically, imagine that the uniqueness of the object, the place it would have in your lives would imbue a special meaning and value to the object. add to that the (again, my perception/hope/fantasy) specialness and intimacy that knowing that your beloved made this especially for -you- would attach to the thing and i just turn into a blubbering, sentimental fool.
and then i wonder - am i trying to buy her affection? i don't -think- so, because i can honestly say that the things i've bought for her and the things i'm making for her are real and honest. i don't ask for or expect anything in return.
for the record, i believe in my heart that this "binge" of things for her is real and truthful.
i'll also add that it may be, in some small part, a way for me to feel less isolated from her, less hopeless, a bit closer, even to feel as though i am, in some small way, actually a part of her life. it may also be a way to take my mind of the bleakness of my situation and my life and share with her, in my mind at least, a part of me.
whatever the underlying reason(s) may be, i'm going to continue. even if it's nothing more than mental masturbation. if it helps to deceive me into thinking that things are better than they really are, what's the harm? at worst, it lets me think that i'm making her happy in some small way, that i really am a part of her life. at best, my perception of the whole thing may be close to truth and we really are connecting and moving toward a common future.
it's not hurting anyone, is it?
reality gives a kick in the ass
yeah, like that's never happened before, right?
not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at theMedical Center Spa & Resort.
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
not long ago, i won an all expense paid two day stay at the
early morning chest pains were how i knew i'd won.
now, i'm just past 50. i'm white, middle aged, carry about 15 extra pounds above my belt, eat like shit, hardly exercise, drink to excess (like 3.5l of vodka a week), have a pending lawsuit, huge alimony payments, have to look for work every six months (because i'm a contractor), work in a specialty that is steadily declining and in a career field where 50+ year olds are increasingly being squeezed out in favor of 20 somethings who are willing to work 60 weeks for half what they pay me, i have no permanent residence, basically only own what i can fit in my car, have a steadily declining bank balance/nest egg (see the aforementioned huge alimony payments), no close friends other than B (who lives with her husband 1100 miles away), no romantic interests, no fuckbuddy, essentially -no- close human contact whatsoever, ongoing depression and a host of other medical issues (none of which are especially frightening on their own unless combined with the rest of the list) and no prospects for anything to change in the foreseeable future.
how's that for a lifetime achievement award?
anyway, after my recent "spa" stay, the spectre of one's own mortality raises its ugly head again.
i've actually been becoming more and more aware of the approach of my own "sunset". everyone fears dying and i suppose i'm no different than anyone else in that regard. but honestly, the thing that bothers me the most is the awareness that, even if she (my beloved B) were to choose to be together -today- (which she's nowhere close to doing), our time together is limited. we've already lost over 6 years that we could've and should've spent together. anyway, i'm not nearly as ?dismayed? about the dying part as i am about the time together that we're missing out on. we've known each other for roughly 12% of my life and 15% of hers. we could've spent that time together. and every day/week/month/year that passes is that much less time that i could possibly have to spend in her life. -that's- what really dismays me.
she too has said that my recent "spa" stay has made her more aware of the passage of time, precious time, and the finite amount of time we could have together.
i'm not sure my increased awareness of time (or the lack of) and the passage of (oh so valuable) time has been a good thing. while i "knew" before that my eating and drinking habits were adversely affecting my health (and therefore longevity) it's amazing what we can block out and disregard when we don't really want to acknowledge it. so i've cut way back on my drinking (yeah, yeah, i know, it's only been 4 days). i had 1 drink thursday night, only had 2 drinks friday night (and that was after actually getting out of the house and doing something), got out of the house most of the day saturday, tied on a pretty good one saturday night using up the rest of my vodka, then had 4 beers yesterday. i knew beer is a pretty self-limiting drink for me, which is why i purposely didn't buy more vodka on saturday. i'm looking at menus and trying to get back into preparing food (it's not like i don't have plenty of fucking free time to do it).
and there's one thought that keeps coming to me... what the fuck for? i mean, yeah, if B were to decide to be together at least i'd have a head start on getting healthier so as to increase our time together, but there's a nagging fear that that's not gonna happen. she's no closer to making a move and leaving bf, as far as i can tell.
so i'm stuck here in a quandry. do i continue working on improving my health in the hope that sooner or later she'll want to be together? i think i have to, just in case. otoh, every day that passes, every day she delays, i get a little bit healthier, which means that if the day comes when she finally tells me "no, now go away", i'll be healthier than ever, which means, fucking great, i get to live more days with our her.
fuck me to tears.
updates and downdates and whogivesafuck dates
put all the thoughts from the last few weeks into a blender, hit puree and this is the shit that falls out.
it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
it's the last week of october.
i am, without a doubt the worlds biggest dreamer. not to mention loser. about 48 years ago, the last time B and I talked about starting visits, we had this grand vision (although hers and mine weren't quite the same) of what we'd accomplish on said visits. we'd get familiar in person again, move past some of the hurt and anger, learn to be physically with each other again, start fucking and within a few visits, say 3 or 4, we'd be ready to be together full time; she'd leave bf and we'd start our life together. i asked her how often she saw visits happening; every 2 or 3 weeks was her reply. understand too that 3 or 4 visits, 2 or 3 weeks apart, meant that within a finite, definable, tangible amount of time we'd be where we both said we want to be together. finally.
now, i "see" dates and times, she doesn't. i'm acutely aware of every minute that passes when we're having lunch or as our time ticks away after work and she "has" to leave to go back to bf. she's not. i feel the weight of every fucking day (2,287 of them since our first phone conversation) that passes that a) we're not only not together, but b) no closer to being together and c) is yet another day that she -chooses- to go back to the life, the home and the relationship that she says she doesn't want. she doesn't see or feel the passage of time. whether we get together in a day, a week, a month or three more years, it's more or less the same to her. i don't know if it's because she's younger or really doesn't feel getting to us is that much of a draw or i don't know what. anyway, once this semi-defined timeline was laid out, i needed to see what it looked like (i'm a visual person). so, with calendar in hand, i laid it out in a way that made it -concrete- to me, real, tangible.
here it is:
pretty laughable ain't it? but notice how thoroughly it's laid out. there's both a 2 week between visit timeline and a 3 week timeline. the top is the list of dates and visits for both schedules. the bottom is a side by side with visits laid out through the end of the year. after all, 3-1/2 months of visits, which would have been either 8 or 6 visits, is WAY more than the 3 or 4 she said she thought it'd take for us to be together. the circled visits, #4 in both columns, was my best guess on when she'd actually leave bf to be with me. the visits in the boxes indicates the likely range of times, should visit #4 be too optimistic, when she would leave.
how thorough. how quaint. how fucking stupid. here it is -6- weeks since that first visit. this week should have been either visit 3 or visit 2. i even hoped that this visit would be THE ONE. "leave with me". yeah. the only one who's leaving with me is me. she'll be leaving, every night this week, next week, next month to go back to the life, the home and the relationship she doesn't want. leaving the life and the relationship she says she does want behind for another day.
so, back to reality. six weeks later. the week that i actually thought it -possible-, if not likely, that she'd leave bf and choose to start our life together. instead of leaving me and going back to bf. again. and again. i actually, truly, really believed that it could possibly have happened this week. the reality of it is that we have had NO visits since the first, nor are there any scheduled, planned, proposed or talked about.
i was cleaning out my calendar file over the weekend and ran across a couple of other interesting dates. from 16 days after i "broke up" with her: B gangbang, 5:30-10:00PM, video, webcam, 20+ guys. that was back in the day when bf still traveled. and then, one month and two days later, she called me at about 12:30 in the morning to talk. we talked for about 3 hours. she'd just left -him- after a night of fucking (back when bf traveled) and was waiting for bf to get back because they were going to go to a strip club. she wanted to know if i missed her. FUCK YES i missed her. that was almost -10- months ago. when we hung up the phone, i dared to hope that we'd be together within 6 months. ten months later, we're well past my initial hope and even past the timeframe that -she- laid out.
i'm afraid of those two dates coming up again, 12/11 & 1/13. i'm afraid that if we're not together by those dates, that she may finally say "what the hell did i give up fucking, swinging and gangbanging? for -this-? fuck that" and go back to her life.
and that'll be the end of the story for yours truly.
Friday, September 25, 2009
2,353
i know when my life started - july 23rd, 2003.
that was the first day that my baby and i talked. and we've spent literally thousands of hours talking since.
and then there were dates when i thought my life would begin.... the first was my birthday, 2008. that was our first target date for when we'd be together. shit happened. the next target was her birthday. more shit happened. then again it was my birthday, 2009. yet more shit.
so then the goal started being less grandiose and more down to earth - how about just -seeing- each other again? easy enough goal, right? first was a weekend in march this year. then memorial day. then the fourth. then her birthday.
YAY!!! we accomplished her birthday!!!!
other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the theatre?
her birthday this year was in fact a major event/milestone. it was supposed to have been the groundbreaking event that freshened us, realigned us, put us on the fast track to finally being together.
not so much.
what it did was apparently quite the opposite. for her, at least. having had that one visit, her appetite is sated. where originally she saw visits, once they started, occuring every 2 or 3 weeks and continuing through possibly 6 visits until we were finally together... now it would seem that that single visit last week was more than enough for her. i should have known beforehand, because earlier last week, her preferred visit frequency went from "every 2-3 weeks" to "4 weeks or so". and this week, there's not even any future visits in the works.
what we do know is that -us- won't happen this year. and it won't happen in the first three months of next year.
mother fucking g-d damn it, i hate being right.
for the last few weeks, i felt my time in hell was drawing to a close, that my sentence was going to be commuted.
instead, my appeal was rejected. the govenor turned down the appeal for pardon.
the death sentence stands.
there are very, very few people who know when they will die. death row convicts, suiciders and Blade Runner replicants are pretty much it. sure, as the last few seconds of your life tick by you know it's gonna end -soon-... but as far as advance notice? hardly anyone gets that.
20091231235958. elapsed time: 51 years, 9 months, 7 days. 1,633,910,400 seconds.
18,910. eighteen thousand nine hundred and ten days.
2,353. two thousand three hundred and fifty three days of knowing her. 6.44 years. i've known and loved her for 12% of my life. roughly two hundred and three million seconds of knowing her. 203,323,018. give or take.
of those 2,353 days, i was fortunate enough to spend somewhere around 60 hours in her physical presence. 60 hours out of the 56,472 hours that we knew each other. 1/10th of 1% of our time was actually spent -together-.
799. seven hundred and ninety nine days since the -first- time my actions tore us apart and demolished her heart. and our future.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days of knowing, loving, enjoying my baby. until the day i started destroying her and us.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days trying to woo her, to win her heart, to pull her away from the man and the life she said she didn't want.
97. ninety seven days remaining. that just struck me as pretty fucking funny... for weeks i've been POSITIVE that there were less than 100 days until we were together. looks like the 100 days was in fact a valid timeframe.... just not for the event that i thought it would be...
and then?
an infinite number of days just like the last eighteen thousand nine hundred: days of not having her, not being with her. but at least the pain will stop.
i wonder if she'll remember me? in two or five or twenty years, do you think she'll remember me? or our time, even though we didn't spend it together? if she does remember me or our time, will it be a good memory? a bad memory? or just some distant thing that happened in the past?
that was the first day that my baby and i talked. and we've spent literally thousands of hours talking since.
and then there were dates when i thought my life would begin.... the first was my birthday, 2008. that was our first target date for when we'd be together. shit happened. the next target was her birthday. more shit happened. then again it was my birthday, 2009. yet more shit.
so then the goal started being less grandiose and more down to earth - how about just -seeing- each other again? easy enough goal, right? first was a weekend in march this year. then memorial day. then the fourth. then her birthday.
YAY!!! we accomplished her birthday!!!!
other than that, mrs. lincoln, how was the theatre?
her birthday this year was in fact a major event/milestone. it was supposed to have been the groundbreaking event that freshened us, realigned us, put us on the fast track to finally being together.
not so much.
what it did was apparently quite the opposite. for her, at least. having had that one visit, her appetite is sated. where originally she saw visits, once they started, occuring every 2 or 3 weeks and continuing through possibly 6 visits until we were finally together... now it would seem that that single visit last week was more than enough for her. i should have known beforehand, because earlier last week, her preferred visit frequency went from "every 2-3 weeks" to "4 weeks or so". and this week, there's not even any future visits in the works.
what we do know is that -us- won't happen this year. and it won't happen in the first three months of next year.
mother fucking g-d damn it, i hate being right.
for the last few weeks, i felt my time in hell was drawing to a close, that my sentence was going to be commuted.
instead, my appeal was rejected. the govenor turned down the appeal for pardon.
the death sentence stands.
there are very, very few people who know when they will die. death row convicts, suiciders and Blade Runner replicants are pretty much it. sure, as the last few seconds of your life tick by you know it's gonna end -soon-... but as far as advance notice? hardly anyone gets that.
20091231235958. elapsed time: 51 years, 9 months, 7 days. 1,633,910,400 seconds.
18,910. eighteen thousand nine hundred and ten days.
2,353. two thousand three hundred and fifty three days of knowing her. 6.44 years. i've known and loved her for 12% of my life. roughly two hundred and three million seconds of knowing her. 203,323,018. give or take.
of those 2,353 days, i was fortunate enough to spend somewhere around 60 hours in her physical presence. 60 hours out of the 56,472 hours that we knew each other. 1/10th of 1% of our time was actually spent -together-.
799. seven hundred and ninety nine days since the -first- time my actions tore us apart and demolished her heart. and our future.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days of knowing, loving, enjoying my baby. until the day i started destroying her and us.
1,555. one thousand five hundred and fifty five days trying to woo her, to win her heart, to pull her away from the man and the life she said she didn't want.
97. ninety seven days remaining. that just struck me as pretty fucking funny... for weeks i've been POSITIVE that there were less than 100 days until we were together. looks like the 100 days was in fact a valid timeframe.... just not for the event that i thought it would be...
and then?
an infinite number of days just like the last eighteen thousand nine hundred: days of not having her, not being with her. but at least the pain will stop.
i wonder if she'll remember me? in two or five or twenty years, do you think she'll remember me? or our time, even though we didn't spend it together? if she does remember me or our time, will it be a good memory? a bad memory? or just some distant thing that happened in the past?
how to tell when things haven't gone according to plan
can't see the forest for the trees
now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.
so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.
when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.
when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.
the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.
instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).
when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....
things haven't gone according to plan
now that's a true statement; sometimes you're just too close to something to be able to see it. especially when it's something of critical importance to your life... or something you've been waiting a long, long time for.
so, for those of you who, like me, are sometimes a little dense when it comes to figuring things out, here's some helpful hints.
when the two of you have what should be a life-changing event and then a week passes and she hasn't even mentioned the event? that's not a good sign.
when she says on friday that on monday she will tell you the date of the next time you can see her and a whole week goes by with a) absolutely no mention of a next visit, b) complete avoidance of the entire topic of seeing her again and c) it turns out that the last visit was actually the most relationship-detrimental event in recent history.... it's not a good thing.
the way this week should have gone is that on monday we should've been giddily discussing the visit and eagerly laying out a schedule for the next few visits. we should've been doing that because after the initial visit it should've been just a matter of weeks until we were actually together. i should've bought another airline ticket monday night. should've told my boss that i needed next thursday and friday off. should've been walking on cloud 9 all week.
instead? the week brought nearly complete silence from her on all things related to the visit, any future visits and on anything about her and i being together. eventually it was brought out that to her (and subsequently to me) the absolute worst thing that could possibly have come out of our visit last week was exactly what she took from it. instead of wanting more and wanting to get closer and wanting our time apart to end? instead she can't even contemplate another visit. we've gone from "at least 3" visits before she leaves him to not even talking about any more visits. we've gone from "end of year" as a very likely timeframe for us actually moving in together to knowing that in six months we'll still be exactly where we are... her with her husband, me here alone. (actually by then i'll probably be in another job in another state.. assuming i'm still around, but that's for another post).
when you have an event that should be positive and life changing and the event passes and there's absolute silence about the event... and the mental framework changes from days to months... and everything that you feared could possibly have gone wrong, has....
things haven't gone according to plan
time
i am notoriously pessimistic. except when it comes to her.
we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.
i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.
yeah. i know.
no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.
the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.
she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.
in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.
a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.
no so any more.
she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.
and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.
so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.
which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.
which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.
so.
we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".
what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?
so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.
repeat as not necessary.
we had a visit last week. the first in ten months. she told me to be prepared because it wasn't gonna be all fun and games. in other words, not at all how i expected it to go.
i expected it to start as it did; her reserved, guarded, closed off. and i expected the joy of seeing me (yeah, i know.. sounds ridiculous to me too) would crumble her walls, bring her running into my arms, have her bending over begging me to fuck her.
yeah. i know.
no matter how it actually went, the visit was supposed to accomplish one main goal - get us closer, get us started, send us on our way to getting together.
the one thing i didn't expect was that a visit would set us back. instead of doing what it absolutely should have done, bring us closer to being together, it did exactly the opposite.
she's less inclined now than ever to have another visit. the state of our love relationship has actually been hurt, set back many, many months. going there to see her, or more accurately, for her to see me, has pushed the starting of us getting together even farther into the future.
in what has to be the most unbelieveable and unimaginable scenario possible, us spending time together is actually bad for us. i've tried many times to argue with her that more time apart is not something that makes us closer. but she's not having any of that. in her mind, the more time we spend apart, the closer we are. so maybe the visit was actually successful in that now we get to spend even -more- time apart! isn't that great! it'll be so good for our relationship. just like all the other months and years spent apart have been so good for our relationship.
a couple weeks ago i wrote that i felt we were so close to actually being together that the date was less than 100 days in the future. that's a manageable number, one that you can hold in your mind, in it's entirety, and see a beginning and an end to. each day that passes can be ticked off and its' time removed from the time remaining: 99, tick. 98, tick. 97, tick.
no so any more.
she told me yesterday that it's not likely that we'll be together this year. whoosh - there goes the concept of having a finite amount of time left to wait. she'll never give an actual time, of course. never has, never will, as that would tie her down to something and cut out the wiggle room. but during conversation it pretty much came out that the timeframe that i posted about several weeks or months ago is in fact about accurate.
and somehow, i'm supposed to be happy about this. she is, after all.
so way back when i said that if we weren't together by halloween that we wouldn't have another opportunity to be together until after my birthday in march. why? after halloween is the holiday season. thanksgiving, xmas, new years - and she -couldn't- leave him during the holidays, because that would be mean and hurt -his- feelings.
which brings us to mid-january. she can't leave him then because that's only a month before their (2nd) anniversary, because that would make -him- feel bad. and of course, you've got to have a sufficient buffer of time after that, lest -he- feel bad.
which brings us to late march, my birthday. i'm not sure yet why march won't work, but i'm sure that by january, we'll have a perfectly valid reason to delay getting together even longer.
so.
we go from a FINITE, manageable, survivable 3 months to a not-less-than-6-months-and-that's-just-the-starting-point. from finally having an amount of time that you could hold in your hand, point to on the calendar and actually wrap your head around as having an -ending- date, back to the infinite, unknown, unknowable "sometime in the future".
what we do know is that it won't be less than six months. what we don't know is what unit of time she's measuring in - months? quarters? years?
so instead of counting down the days to being together, it's time to go back to counting the seasons. another summer over, here comes fall. another fall over, here comes winter. another winter over, here comes spring. summer, fall, winter, spring. summer, fall, winter, spring.
repeat as not necessary.
Friday, September 18, 2009
what i didn't do on my summer vacation
admittedly, there were many things i -hoped- i'd get to do on my vacation.
i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.
then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.
there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.
we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.
remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.
what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.
she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.
i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...
and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.
and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.
maybe next time.
i'd hoped to win her heart back. hoped to hold her. hoped to convince her that there would never be a better time than TODAY to leave bf/hubby and start our life together. hoped we'd fuck. hoped we'd start making plans for us.
then, there were things that i actually expected would happen: that we'd see each other, that we'd kiss, that it would be tentative, short and that she WOULD NOT be leaving with me.
there's also three, maybe four things that i'd REALLY, REALLY hoped she would make (let?) happen, no matter how difficult just being close to me was, simply because, well, they're fucking important. or, they are to me, anyway and by extension, to her.
we've had a few "ceremonies" or "rituals" (neither of those feel like the right word) in the last few months. we've exchanged commitment rings. she's accepted and is wearing my cuff on her wrist, as a sign of ownership, 24/7. i've sent her and she's worn a couple times, my collar and a dog tag.
remember, this is the first time we've seen each other in ten months. so all the above happened remotely.
what that means is, -i- put her ring on my finger. she put my ring on hers. -she- fastened my slave cuff on her wrist. -she- buckled my collar around her neck.
she's about as romantic as i am (ie, a lot!) and feels the same sense of ?importance? in how things are done. especially things like i've just listed. so even though no words were spoken about them, i had a feeling that -she'd- want to "properly complete" our ceremonies. so i envisioned her handing me the ring i sent her... me getting on my knee and asking her to please spend her life with me as my wife, and then -i- would put my ring on her.
i saw her wanting to do the same thing with the ring she gave me...
and i also envisioned her removing my cuff (with permission, of course) and giving it, no, handing it back to me. i'm not sure if i saw her on her knees or not... probably not... but I did see her giving me her wrist so i could put the cuff of my ownership on her, myself. while it may seem a ?trivial? detail, it's really not, as the act of doing, and doing it "properly", lends a sense of decorum to the whole ceremony.
and i admit, i also had visions of her kneeling in front of me, holding her hair aside and extending her neck to me for me to put my collar on her, thereby taking ownership of her completely. after which she'd bend over, offer me her ass and then she'd be -completely- my property.
maybe next time.
expectations
how is it that we let our expectations get so completely out of hand? and i mean out of hand to the point that there's no fucking way that expectation could possibly fit into the real world around us.
i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.
surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.
no so much.
but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.
anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...
i'm not sure if this would be considered delusion or just being overly optimistic or if it's just me being absolutely conceited. in all the time leading up to this visit with my baby, we've had very different visions of how it would go. she saw it as it basically was - imagine a restraining order with a 50' "stay clear" zone.
surprisingly (yeah ;-) ), i had a completely different view of how things might go. i was POSITIVE that once we were in the same place again, she'd warm up. i really did. i imagined that seeing me would change her, loosen her, make her -want-. not that i'm such a draw, but just the whole thing that we share and my positiveness that being close would draw her close, so in my mind, it's definitely NOT me being conceited. i think i assumed she would react the way i would if our places were reversed.
no so much.
but on the bright side ("bright side" being kind of equivalent to finally having enough deaths from a plague to finally figure out a vaccine), i think it gave us both a crystal clear view of just how much she really can't stand to be near me. i've been downplaying what she's been telling me all these months because i mean really, it's pretty hard to come to terms with realizing that your love -really, really- can't stand the thought of being within visual distance of you. i won't downplay what she tells me anymore.
anyway, there was a point i was trying to get to, but all the above is kinda blurring my mind right now...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
things you wish you'd never heard
there are things that you just wish you'd NEVER heard.... a gazillion years ago, bill cosby had a classic thing you don't want to hear: your surgeon saying "scalpel". "retractor". "suction". "oops".
or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."
or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".
or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".
that's not a good thing.
or, the motorcycle cop who's swaggering up to your window... you don't want to hear him say "I was -gonna- just give you a warning..."
or, your 15 year old daughter saying "um, mom? dad? we need to talk".
or, the woman that you love with all your heart, that you've been trying to get with for over six long, painful years, to say "it's not gonna happen for another year".
that's not a good thing.
i was a royal horse's ass to her today. oh, and red buttons.
well then. all you faithful readers, of which there are none, are probably just dying for an update.
if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.
uh, no.
i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.
so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?
i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.
at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.
PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.
and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.
yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.
panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.
but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.
inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.
her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.
ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.
to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.
i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.
but it all came out anyway.
i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.
a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.
logic doesn't apply.
example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."
no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?
see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.
but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.
so?
push. (no food)
push. (no food)
push. (still no food)
push. (no food)
push. push. push. push.
what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?
since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.
the red buttons are on order.
if you've been following along, you know that today was the first time she was able to see me in 10 months. we'd both had our own visions of how today might go, but hers were based on reality, her pains, and knowing in advance how she wanted it to go. my visions were, as usual, pretty much based in fantasy land - and had it not been for those dang monkeys flying outta my butt, it mighta come true.
uh, no.
i had -every- intention of making the best of today, i really did. i wanted to show her how much i appreciated her stretching her limits and agreeing to let me come this week. (and given the level of reluctance and trepidation she had, how could she possibly have -ever- thought she'd see me in ohio this last march? or memorial day? or the 4th? she was nearly catatonic with fear at my very presence. good g-d, being within 500 miles of me in march might have just killed her.
so, on to the trip report. i like to be concise in my descriptions; which, even though she calls me the "king of the prefaces", i do try to make as accurate and descriptive as possible. so, let's just get to the executive summary, shall we?
i was a complete and total ass today. i swear, it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers in reverse. she wanted to meet at lunch, so we met in a parking lot and parked facing each other and talked on the phone. she couldn't see me because of reflection on the windshield although I could kinda see her. she was perfectly okay with not being able to see me.
at her office, we talked through her window because she couldn't let me in the door. only when it started raining did she allow me inside. and she stood behind a half-wall about 20' away. here's the feel-good part: when i tried to get within 10 feet of her (because, g-d did i want to kiss her) she PANICKED. not panicked, but PANICKED. her eyes got huge, she started backing away, her voice got high and shrill and very tense.
PANICKED. at just the thought of me being within 10 feet of her. PANICKED.
and i thought she'd be giving herself to her master. LOL! and so happy and overwhelmed to see me that she'd drop her defences, give herself to me, touch, hold, kiss and maybe even fuck me.
yeah, yeah, i know, but it really did seem plausible in -my- head. i think i hadn't really counted on the level (or presence, for that matter) of actual invoke-the-flight-response panic. well, at least i can make her feel something besides disgust, anger, hurt and hate.
panic. actual, real, visible panic. i don't think i've ever really seen panic like that before. i've seen fear and distrust and dislike and trepidation and all that... i've seen wild eyed fear in the eyes of almost-skydivers as they got to the door of the plane and then froze solid. i've seen "you've gotta be fucking kidding me" looks of disbelief.
but i have to say, i've never seen total physical panic before. had it not been my beloved showing such abject fear on her face, and not just fear, but fear of -me-, it would've been an experience worth analyzing, questioning her about it, getting her thoughts. but because it was so obvious what the source of her panic was (that'd be -me-) all sense of intellectual curiosity was overwhelmed by the realization that she was painfully, physically -fearful- of me being that close to her.
inspiring real, true emotions in others can be a very fulfilling experience. i'd like to think that i'm capable of making people feel liked, wanted, appreciated, enjoyed, welcome, etc. i have to admit, i'm not especially happy after seeing the abject fear that my mere physical presence can invoke.
her panic was just the highlight though. trust me when i tell you that i managed to make the entire visit an ordeal (uh, note to readers: an experience that's described as an "ordeal" is generally not considered a good thing) that she was forced to endure.
ah, how i like getting people to express their true emotions.
to be honest, i was a shit today. i tried, i did, i really tried. i went into this knowing that this was not for me, it was for her. and if i was going to make it a worthwhile risk for her to take (so she'd do it again, which seems unlikely at this point) then i'd have to really completely sublimate any wishes or hopes or ideas that i had for how the visit might turn out and take a backseat to hers.
i made a good start of it. i was SO happy all morning (despite getting up at 3am) just knowing that i was going to visit her. g-d i was flying all morning. there were a couple of periods where i felt myself getting ?resentful? that my needs and wants, hurts and pains were not important to this day and i more or less managed to get myself past those. after all, i'd known for months that this visit would not be for me. but i tried and was even successful. some.
but it all came out anyway.
i'm a logical type person. i process information in detail fashion, apply rules and previous experience to the interpretation of whatever facts i take in from the world and then approach them in a logical fashion. there's no problem, issue, dilemma that can't be solved if we look at it logically. and that's one of the most frustrating things in this period of trying to reconcile with my love. logic isn't applicable. and that's a major factor in my frustration.
a well reasoned, well thought out argument or presentation on the facts, alternatives and options of a problem (any problem, task, idea, etc) is an elegant thing and will -always- arrive at a reasonable solution of what to do (or do next). logic. if it hurts to bang your head on the wall, then don't bang your head on the wall. as a corollary, a favorite saying i have is the "definition of crazy - keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result". i've tried for years (unsuccessfully, obviously and usually to the detriment of our relationship) to try to logically lay out a description of our situation, the reasonable alternative courses of action and their likely results.
logic doesn't apply.
example: you've heard that if you push the red button, food gets delivered to the table. so, you're in a room and there's a table with no food and a red button. "Huh", you say. "I'll bet if I push the red button, food will appear; at least, that's what i've heard". so you proceed to push the red button. and push. and push. and several thousand pushes later, still no food. so, you ask the person next to you. and they say, "oh, that only works if you're the first in line and wear a red tee shirt". so logically, you should be able to come to two conclusions. first, you should be saying "i've pushed this friggin' red button 12,000 times and no food". you should also be saying "huh, that other person said it only works under certain conditions, which don't exist here.". now, what would you do? logically, you'd say, "huh, ok. maybe i'm doing this wrong; maybe my way won't work. g-d knows i've pushed the button enough times that -something- should've happened by now. i wonder if a) my plan is flawed somehow, b) it sure as fuck doesn't -seem- to be working and c) maybe i need to think about trying something different."
no. now this makes no sense to me. and, herein lies the source of much of my frustration. she has a predetermined path that she -KNOWS- is the one, the only, the right path from then to us. no negotiation, no compromise, no change. she knows herself and she knows that no other way will enable her to solve the problem. but holy fuck! we've been through numerous iterations of this process of pushing the red button and there's still no fucking food on the table!!! at -some- point doesn't it only make sense to try something different?
see? that's the problem with logic versus emotions. logic has to follow rules. emotion just -is-. it is just because i say it is. or because i think (KNOW) that that's how it's supposed to/gonna work. or just because i say it is and this is how i want it to happen.
but, whatever. it is what it is. and what it's not is open to suggestion, compromise or alternatives. that in itself is a conundrum because the only acceptable result for me is to have the fucking food show up on the table. i don't really give a fuck -what- makes the food appear, just that it does. if the red button doesn't work, let's try standing on our heads. if that doesn't work, let's try knocking on the lab door. if that doesn't work, let's try sticking a pinky up our nose and farting in show tunes. whatever. if the fucking red button doesn't work, do something different! you may -want- the red button to product the food. you may -need-, for pride or reputation or whatever, for pushing the red button to make food appear. you may desperately -want- pushing the red button to make food appear. but g-ddamn it! if pushing the fucking red button doesn't do it, DO SOMETHING ELSE.
so even though i know pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, and even though she knows that pushing the red button isn't producing the desired result, she -wants- the pushing of the red button to be the thing that makes the food appear on the table.
so?
push. (no food)
push. (no food)
push. (still no food)
push. (no food)
push. push. push. push.
what happens when the red button is pushed to death and falls apart and theirs STILL no food on the table? will it -then- be time to try something different? or just install another red button?
since i'm a logical kind of guy, my answer is null and void out of the gate.
the red buttons are on order.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
whoa! reality check
you know, for someone who's such a pessimist, such a "glass half empty" kinda guy, I sure am awful optimistic when it comes to her...
since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...
the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.
she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.
so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.
that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!
WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.
whoa! time for a reality check.
she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.
and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".
what? wtf?
so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.
"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.
a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...
since about labor day (well, after, coz she was gone for quite awhile around labor day), I've felt so good about my mindset, my mental perspective. and I wanted her to know and feel it and see that hey, see? I really am here and focused on us...
the beginning of september was an important milestone, although not an "actual" one. the beginning of september marked the month where she was gonna see me. no matter, the visit was to be a milestone, an important way point on our journey to us.
she was going to push to see me around her birthday, no matter what. and since we'd talked -often- about visits and what would be required to get us back to us, the start of visits denoted a very important kick off date. we'd talked for a long time about having visits, once we started again, about every 2 weeks, maybe every 3, depending on schedules. and she'd highly intimated that 3 visits would kinda be the magic number, possibly, after which we'd be -very, very- close to being together, if not already there.
so, doing the math, 4 visits from her birthday would (would have) put us right at the 2nd week in november. now mind you, that means the 2nd week of november as a very possible time that she'd be leaving bf/hubby to be with me. meaning we'd be starting our life together, mid-november.
that was a powerful, powerful beacon to me. and its proximity was starting to have a profound effect on my mindset. the nearness of her birthday and what i thought that meant to us was rapidly changing my perspective, for the better. us being together was becoming -reality-. the date of that was creeping closer and closer; everyday was bringing us closer to being together. instead of looking ahead and seeing an endless parade of who knows how many months, the future was starting to gel, to actually take form, fall into perspective. it was no longer an unknown number of months in the foggy future, but instead, it was turning into a date (or a range of likely dates) that was in the foreseeable and -near- future. a hundred days, give or take. that's ALL! just another hundred days or so... and not 100 days until we see each other, but 100 days until we're -TOGETHER-!!!!
WOW! what a perspective change! instead of every morning being just one more morning of one more day of not knowing when or if we'll ever be together, every morning became a marker of 1 day closer to being together! the days were still long, but they stopped dragging on interminably. the weekends still sucked, but every one that passed was one less before we were going to be together! the turning of the calendar began to be a good thing again, instead of a hated, despised event.
whoa! time for a reality check.
she already knows that she's not going to be able to see me this visit. nothing like being open and wanting to make something positive happen.
and when i asked her when she thought she might want the next visit she said "3-4 weeks, maybe".
what? wtf?
so, time to revamp the calendar. what i thought might be our -start- date instead may be about the time of our second visit. a visit during which she may actually want to be in the same room with me. so i'm thinking us starting fucking and her leaving hubby probably ain't gonna make the agenda for a november visit.
"days", as a discreet, finite unit of time are fading back into "days" as the foggy entrance to a dark, scary tunnel of unknown makeup, unknown length, unknown pitfalls. days aren't getting X'd off the calendar any more, they're back to being boulders of sand falling on top of me from this huge hourglass hanging over my head. days are no longer prized as just one of a hundred or so to be put behind us before reaching our future. days have resumed their shape as snowflakes in the blizzard, drops of water in the waterfall, falling sand/rocks in the hourglass of life. where before there was a set, finite number of them, an unknown number yes, but in the -countable- range, today each is again just one of a million coming down the pike.
a week ago, every day that passed was one less day until i could have her again. i suppose that technically, I could still look at each day that way, but there's a crucial difference: before, I knew that there were about 100 of them, give or take. i knew, concretely, that by the end of this year, we'd be together. now? no clue. there could be 100, 200, 500 or 3,000 days between now and "us". so yeah, every day that passes is one more day down and one more day closer to us.... but it still leaves a whole heap of days out in front...
Today is the last day of this life....
-this- life, the one that I've managed to make so many missteps and mistakes in, ends today.
No, there will be no funeral.
Its passing is noted though not mourned.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow starts a new life. My new life. -Our- new life.
Tomorrow I go to see my baby. For the first time in just under a year. (a -year-! :-( )
Tomorrow will not be the stuff of legend. There won't be fireworks, a parade, marching bands, a buffet or an open bar. There won't be screams of lust, pain or joy. There won't be long periods of post-coital bliss spent staring longingly into each others' eyes.
What there will be is reconnection. We'll be in the same place, talking without needing electronics between us. My baby and I are starting our journey tomorrow. We come together seperately, from separate places. We'll circle and dance and poke and prod and touch tentatively. We'll look and see and smell and sit and laugh and talk and have moments of awkward silence.
And then she'll go home to husband.
And Friday, we'll do it again. This time, somewhat more relaxed, with the initial tentativeness and caution eased.
Tomorrow, we meet as two individuals, coming together again after so many missteps and mistakes. Tomorrow we shake, acknowledge our mistakes, make our apologies and then join hands and turn together toward the future.
Friday we spend time together, again.
Tomorrow, we meet as two.
Friday, we leave as one.
And a new life begins.... for both of us.
There will be a short viewing tonight, a quick review of a life gone terribly wrong. Tears will not be shed, donations are not requested. The past will be laid to rest so the future may grow to its full potential.
The past will not be missed.
No, there will be no funeral.
Its passing is noted though not mourned.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow starts a new life. My new life. -Our- new life.
Tomorrow I go to see my baby. For the first time in just under a year. (a -year-! :-( )
Tomorrow will not be the stuff of legend. There won't be fireworks, a parade, marching bands, a buffet or an open bar. There won't be screams of lust, pain or joy. There won't be long periods of post-coital bliss spent staring longingly into each others' eyes.
What there will be is reconnection. We'll be in the same place, talking without needing electronics between us. My baby and I are starting our journey tomorrow. We come together seperately, from separate places. We'll circle and dance and poke and prod and touch tentatively. We'll look and see and smell and sit and laugh and talk and have moments of awkward silence.
And then she'll go home to husband.
And Friday, we'll do it again. This time, somewhat more relaxed, with the initial tentativeness and caution eased.
Tomorrow, we meet as two individuals, coming together again after so many missteps and mistakes. Tomorrow we shake, acknowledge our mistakes, make our apologies and then join hands and turn together toward the future.
Friday we spend time together, again.
Tomorrow, we meet as two.
Friday, we leave as one.
And a new life begins.... for both of us.
There will be a short viewing tonight, a quick review of a life gone terribly wrong. Tears will not be shed, donations are not requested. The past will be laid to rest so the future may grow to its full potential.
The past will not be missed.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
and he does it again
g-d. what a difference 6 hours can make...
six hours ago, i was poring over the calendar, eagerly marking out visit schedules for the rest of the year, both a 2 week cycle (8 visits by years' end) and a 3 week cycle (6 visits) ... i marked them both on a calendar with different colored highlighters... laid them out in a table... outlined the most likely period when i thought she'd be ready to finally be together.. (late october through late november... about visit 4 on the 2 wk cycle, visit 3 or 4 on the 3 wk cycle... either way, i pretty much saw (as i have for a couple months or so now) that my best guess on when we'd be together (as in togethertogether, as in she leaves hubby) was november-ish. preferably earlier in the month, but i pretty much reckoned by turkey day for sure...
and then she came back from her week (10 days) away.
now you'd think that'd be a joyous occasion. but no. once again i fucked it up. i worked really hard on not jumping all over her when she finally reappeared. i've only been anticipating this morning for 10 days, but intensely for the last two or so.... i purposely held back, wanting to make sure i didn't say anything that'd make her feel bad, purposely wanted to give her the time and the space to find her own way back to us... as i thought we'd determined during previous conversations that she needed.
apparently i was wrong at that, too.
so instead, she's in tears. telling me i told her she did it wrong. telling me that it was -i- who didn't seem anxious to be back in touch...
wow... really??
wow... will i -EVER- treat her right?
this morning i was so happily looking at the calendar.. .confident that all that i've waited for, that she's waited for, that we've waited for... for six long years... for the last two years.. for the last 8 months... all that we've wanted and waited for... CONFIDENT that all of that was coming to a head and would BE HERE in less than 100 days.. by the end of the year, if not sooner...
i KNEW it was coming.. .there was nothing but the knowledge of the absolute truth of that, throughout my bones.... every fiber of my being KNEW that us being together, the only real option, was not only finally going to happen, but that we were starting to count down the days!!! it was shaping itself into a date, a REAL date, on the calendar... not too far away.. end of the year, tops... possibly as soon as 45 days away... not a single iota of me in anyway doubted that the only possible outcome, her and i being together, was in fact the only possible outcome. there simply are, were, no other possible outcomes....
and then? i opened my mouth.
when i left for the dr's office this morning, i carried with me the ease and confidence and surety of the knowledge that our wait was soon going to be over, that very soon, we'd fix all this shit and finally be together....
and then? i opened my mouth.
just six short hours.
now, instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the final wait until we're together... instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the period during which the rest of my life would finally come into focus, hell, come into -being-.... instead of feeling this enormous stretch of waiting and desolation and aloneness coming to an end, being replaced by the life we were supposed to have, supposed to be having....
now i see the next 3-1/2 months as the last hurrah. it's not a time for final redemption, but for her to finally figure out that it's not me she wants. time for her to work up the courage to tell me that she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it, or just plain and simple doesn't want me.
i thought my life would be in full bloom, full swing by the end of the year.
nope.
the end of the year looks like it's gonna be my end too.
we'll have visits.... probably 3, maybe even four... until she tells me that as far as she can tell, i don't really want to be with her.... or that she simply can't be with someone who's hurt her so much... or that she's decided life with bf really is what she wants, after all...
and then she'll tell me "go, live your life"... when what she really means is "go, so i can live my life".
i'll brood and stew and spend a couple of weeks drunk, probably losing my job in the meantime. and then I'll take one last trip home, to her... i'll stalk her for a week or so.. i'll want to see her back in full swing with -him-.... and then our hero will ride off into the sunset...
broken. crushed. empty. and hoping for a quick death.
i shouldn't feel like i've been so mistreated, i guess. g-d knows i've had enough chances to turn things around and haven't been able to. g-d knows -she's- given me more than enough chances.
i guess i don't blame her.
i don't much care for me either.
it's been a good run though... almost 52 years... just a month or so shy...
and for the last six and a half years of my life, i had the privilege of meeting, befriending and knowing the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. i do wish for more... i wish we'd had the time together that we should've had.. i wish i'd never hurt her like i have...
and while the lingering effects of me passing through her life will soon fade.. at least by me passing through, she got to meet -him- and find her future.
i really thought her future was -us-. i really did.
probably would've been... if not for me...
six hours ago, i was poring over the calendar, eagerly marking out visit schedules for the rest of the year, both a 2 week cycle (8 visits by years' end) and a 3 week cycle (6 visits) ... i marked them both on a calendar with different colored highlighters... laid them out in a table... outlined the most likely period when i thought she'd be ready to finally be together.. (late october through late november... about visit 4 on the 2 wk cycle, visit 3 or 4 on the 3 wk cycle... either way, i pretty much saw (as i have for a couple months or so now) that my best guess on when we'd be together (as in togethertogether, as in she leaves hubby) was november-ish. preferably earlier in the month, but i pretty much reckoned by turkey day for sure...
and then she came back from her week (10 days) away.
now you'd think that'd be a joyous occasion. but no. once again i fucked it up. i worked really hard on not jumping all over her when she finally reappeared. i've only been anticipating this morning for 10 days, but intensely for the last two or so.... i purposely held back, wanting to make sure i didn't say anything that'd make her feel bad, purposely wanted to give her the time and the space to find her own way back to us... as i thought we'd determined during previous conversations that she needed.
apparently i was wrong at that, too.
so instead, she's in tears. telling me i told her she did it wrong. telling me that it was -i- who didn't seem anxious to be back in touch...
wow... really??
wow... will i -EVER- treat her right?
this morning i was so happily looking at the calendar.. .confident that all that i've waited for, that she's waited for, that we've waited for... for six long years... for the last two years.. for the last 8 months... all that we've wanted and waited for... CONFIDENT that all of that was coming to a head and would BE HERE in less than 100 days.. by the end of the year, if not sooner...
i KNEW it was coming.. .there was nothing but the knowledge of the absolute truth of that, throughout my bones.... every fiber of my being KNEW that us being together, the only real option, was not only finally going to happen, but that we were starting to count down the days!!! it was shaping itself into a date, a REAL date, on the calendar... not too far away.. end of the year, tops... possibly as soon as 45 days away... not a single iota of me in anyway doubted that the only possible outcome, her and i being together, was in fact the only possible outcome. there simply are, were, no other possible outcomes....
and then? i opened my mouth.
when i left for the dr's office this morning, i carried with me the ease and confidence and surety of the knowledge that our wait was soon going to be over, that very soon, we'd fix all this shit and finally be together....
and then? i opened my mouth.
just six short hours.
now, instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the final wait until we're together... instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the period during which the rest of my life would finally come into focus, hell, come into -being-.... instead of feeling this enormous stretch of waiting and desolation and aloneness coming to an end, being replaced by the life we were supposed to have, supposed to be having....
now i see the next 3-1/2 months as the last hurrah. it's not a time for final redemption, but for her to finally figure out that it's not me she wants. time for her to work up the courage to tell me that she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it, or just plain and simple doesn't want me.
i thought my life would be in full bloom, full swing by the end of the year.
nope.
the end of the year looks like it's gonna be my end too.
we'll have visits.... probably 3, maybe even four... until she tells me that as far as she can tell, i don't really want to be with her.... or that she simply can't be with someone who's hurt her so much... or that she's decided life with bf really is what she wants, after all...
and then she'll tell me "go, live your life"... when what she really means is "go, so i can live my life".
i'll brood and stew and spend a couple of weeks drunk, probably losing my job in the meantime. and then I'll take one last trip home, to her... i'll stalk her for a week or so.. i'll want to see her back in full swing with -him-.... and then our hero will ride off into the sunset...
broken. crushed. empty. and hoping for a quick death.
i shouldn't feel like i've been so mistreated, i guess. g-d knows i've had enough chances to turn things around and haven't been able to. g-d knows -she's- given me more than enough chances.
i guess i don't blame her.
i don't much care for me either.
it's been a good run though... almost 52 years... just a month or so shy...
and for the last six and a half years of my life, i had the privilege of meeting, befriending and knowing the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. i do wish for more... i wish we'd had the time together that we should've had.. i wish i'd never hurt her like i have...
and while the lingering effects of me passing through her life will soon fade.. at least by me passing through, she got to meet -him- and find her future.
i really thought her future was -us-. i really did.
probably would've been... if not for me...
looking back, looking forward
today's the day - she comes back.
finally.
about four years ago, on 8/27/2009, she told me she needed to take some time. some time away from work. some time away from me.
today she comes back. she's scheduled to come back.
i know in my heart she's never left... but it's been an awful long time since she was here. it feels like forever.
our first scheduled visit is rapidly approaching. that is, the date that she's said, since may, that she'd definitely see me by - 9/17. so far she's a little shaky about it, but no signs yet that she's close to cancelling.
of course, i like to make the best use of time. so of course i planned flights where i'd get there in time for us to have lunch together and then time after work, then again friday after work. she's already let me know that thursday lunch might be difficult for her. not because of scheduling, or work commitments or other engagements. but because it's -me-. so, 1/3 of our potential meeting opportunities has already been taken off the table. i'm pretty sure that bf and the universe will do their best to minimize any other time she & i might have. will he travel on that thursday, to perhaps give us a few extra hours at night? no, i'm sure not. if anything, he'll probably not only -not- travel, but he'll probably have some early afternoon event scheduled so she'll have to leave work early or right at quitting time, thereby allowing her & i no time. it's pretty likely that the same thing will happen on friday as well. in fact, if bf and the universe don't fuck up thursdays' time, you can count on them fucking fridays' time.
which will kill me. she'll see it in me and in my face. she'll take it as a reason for me to leave. and when i leave her on that friday, she'll be both worried and confident that i'm bolting again, leaving her again. i know i won't, i know there's not even a chance of that... but she doesn't. and so -that- will set us back another month or two.
i even went so far as to lay out a 2-week and a 3-week visit schedule for the rest of the year. (wrt some things, i'm an eternal optimist). She's said a few times that 3 is pretty much the minimum number of visits before she's able to see herself leaving bf and being with me. three visits is either 10/15-16 or 10/29-30. that'd be cool.
by years' end, there's 8 visits on the 2 week schedule and 6 on the 3 week schedule. my hope is that by years' end, we're commuting back and forth as a couple.
fantasy? possibility?
finally.
about four years ago, on 8/27/2009, she told me she needed to take some time. some time away from work. some time away from me.
today she comes back. she's scheduled to come back.
i know in my heart she's never left... but it's been an awful long time since she was here. it feels like forever.
our first scheduled visit is rapidly approaching. that is, the date that she's said, since may, that she'd definitely see me by - 9/17. so far she's a little shaky about it, but no signs yet that she's close to cancelling.
of course, i like to make the best use of time. so of course i planned flights where i'd get there in time for us to have lunch together and then time after work, then again friday after work. she's already let me know that thursday lunch might be difficult for her. not because of scheduling, or work commitments or other engagements. but because it's -me-. so, 1/3 of our potential meeting opportunities has already been taken off the table. i'm pretty sure that bf and the universe will do their best to minimize any other time she & i might have. will he travel on that thursday, to perhaps give us a few extra hours at night? no, i'm sure not. if anything, he'll probably not only -not- travel, but he'll probably have some early afternoon event scheduled so she'll have to leave work early or right at quitting time, thereby allowing her & i no time. it's pretty likely that the same thing will happen on friday as well. in fact, if bf and the universe don't fuck up thursdays' time, you can count on them fucking fridays' time.
which will kill me. she'll see it in me and in my face. she'll take it as a reason for me to leave. and when i leave her on that friday, she'll be both worried and confident that i'm bolting again, leaving her again. i know i won't, i know there's not even a chance of that... but she doesn't. and so -that- will set us back another month or two.
i even went so far as to lay out a 2-week and a 3-week visit schedule for the rest of the year. (wrt some things, i'm an eternal optimist). She's said a few times that 3 is pretty much the minimum number of visits before she's able to see herself leaving bf and being with me. three visits is either 10/15-16 or 10/29-30. that'd be cool.
by years' end, there's 8 visits on the 2 week schedule and 6 on the 3 week schedule. my hope is that by years' end, we're commuting back and forth as a couple.
fantasy? possibility?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
in the clouds
sometimes, life is just so good, so wonderful that you wind up walking around with your head in the clouds. and that's a great place to be....
of course, there are dangers with that, too....
there's a danger that the road you're walking will turn a bit, even slightly, and without even noticing it, pretty soon you're not on the same road anymore....
and the danger with straying from the road is that you take that next step..... and find yourself stepping off the precipice...
of course, there are dangers with that, too....
there's a danger that the road you're walking will turn a bit, even slightly, and without even noticing it, pretty soon you're not on the same road anymore....
and the danger with straying from the road is that you take that next step..... and find yourself stepping off the precipice...
Thursday, August 13, 2009
i know what dying feels like
i know what dying feels like.
i die everyday. have died everyday for six years. yeah sure, maybe those are little deaths, but they do destroy the soul. i wonder if really dying is like all of those combined or if the only difference in really dying is that the pain actually stops?
it's gotten worse lately. it was worse last year, when i thought we were on the road to recovery, to getting together. but i fucked that up. this january i thought we were headed toward being together again. there's been several times along the way that i thought the end of this and the beginning of us was finally in sight. memorial day, the 4th, labor day, her birthday; and looking ahead i see the next milestones we'll miss - her birthday, halloween, thanksgiving, new years, my birthday.
every day that we end our day not getting together is another death. the time of death is around 5 pm my time, when she tells me she has to go. has to go home to her husband, her home, her life. then hours of hurt and loneliness until i get to wake up alone the next morning, knowing that she's waking up with him. i shower, dress, go to work, wait until she gets in and makes contact. then a few hours of life until she leaves again.
all the times i thought we were close, meaning within a couple months, and then didn't, the deaths become more real, more painful, harder to recover from. each death takes a slightly larger piece of my soul. like my love for her, my soul (i think) is infinite, so hopefully no matter how many deaths there are, no matter how many more deaths there are, no matter how many little chips are destroyed, there'll still me more. hopefully some day she'll want me.
i can't imagine bearing this desolate emptiness even a single day longer. but i can't imagine being without her, either. i laugh very little, except with her. i -feel- very little (besides emptiness and pain) except with her. there is a g-d, because he made her. i hope he doesn't let my heart die before she can heal.
it used to be that when a date was ruled out it was a terrible, crushing moment/day. just today she confirmed, indirectly, that there will not be a visit next week, even though she said she'd think about it. i'm crushed, hopelessly crushed and in pain. but it's a dull pain, i feel it as a dull pain, even though i know it's huge. there's only so much pain the brain and the heart can register before being on overload. at that point, you're aware of the pain, but can't really feel it or seperate it from the rest of the sea of pain.
and consider that... she thought about a visit next week... and still can't do it. g-d.
i die everyday. have died everyday for six years. yeah sure, maybe those are little deaths, but they do destroy the soul. i wonder if really dying is like all of those combined or if the only difference in really dying is that the pain actually stops?
it's gotten worse lately. it was worse last year, when i thought we were on the road to recovery, to getting together. but i fucked that up. this january i thought we were headed toward being together again. there's been several times along the way that i thought the end of this and the beginning of us was finally in sight. memorial day, the 4th, labor day, her birthday; and looking ahead i see the next milestones we'll miss - her birthday, halloween, thanksgiving, new years, my birthday.
every day that we end our day not getting together is another death. the time of death is around 5 pm my time, when she tells me she has to go. has to go home to her husband, her home, her life. then hours of hurt and loneliness until i get to wake up alone the next morning, knowing that she's waking up with him. i shower, dress, go to work, wait until she gets in and makes contact. then a few hours of life until she leaves again.
all the times i thought we were close, meaning within a couple months, and then didn't, the deaths become more real, more painful, harder to recover from. each death takes a slightly larger piece of my soul. like my love for her, my soul (i think) is infinite, so hopefully no matter how many deaths there are, no matter how many more deaths there are, no matter how many little chips are destroyed, there'll still me more. hopefully some day she'll want me.
i can't imagine bearing this desolate emptiness even a single day longer. but i can't imagine being without her, either. i laugh very little, except with her. i -feel- very little (besides emptiness and pain) except with her. there is a g-d, because he made her. i hope he doesn't let my heart die before she can heal.
it used to be that when a date was ruled out it was a terrible, crushing moment/day. just today she confirmed, indirectly, that there will not be a visit next week, even though she said she'd think about it. i'm crushed, hopelessly crushed and in pain. but it's a dull pain, i feel it as a dull pain, even though i know it's huge. there's only so much pain the brain and the heart can register before being on overload. at that point, you're aware of the pain, but can't really feel it or seperate it from the rest of the sea of pain.
and consider that... she thought about a visit next week... and still can't do it. g-d.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
why is he more important?
here's a news flash: i'm not doing good.
how is it possible that at this stage in the life of a middle age, middle class white professional there's not a single thing that's going well? Okay, maybe that's not entirely true; my current contract gig is a -great- place to work, but even that is overshadowed by potential downside. They might offer me a permanent position - which would be great. they have great benefits, a great working atmosphere, solid company. the downside is that because of my alimony and pending bankruptcy, i may not be able to -afford- to work here because it'll likely be about a 20% cut from what i'm making now. anyway, that's months down the road.
i'm pretty sure there's a cavity in my bottom back right molar. it just popped up yesterday with sudden sensitivity to heat and cold. great. that's my reward for not going to the dentist for the last 2 years. that was all part of my "fuck it, my life sucks so what's the point" campaign. which has been on hold a little but is gonna come back full swing pretty soon. B and i had an agreement; i'd go to the doctor to get some things looked at and she'd follow up with a health issue that she's been avoiding for two years. so, i've been going to the doctor. diagnosed with diabetes & high blood pressure, both being addressed now with diet and medication. had a hernia repaired. now that surgery's past i can get to the dentist for that long delayed work. B hasn't kept up her end of the bargain. she's no closer to getting to the doctor than she was 8 weeks ago. the irony of it is that i've been addressing my health issues, which may help me live longer. won't that be great if she decides not to be with me?
here's a good news/bad news thing: B's been sending me pics over the last few weeks. but yahoo hasn't been delivering them. from yahoo to yahoo - no picture delivery. from her to my work, no problem (but hard to send XXX shots to work, not that they are). from me to her, no problem. the ONLY time it doesn't work is when she's sending pics to me. go figure. well that's not entirely true. when there's something i want her to read and there's limited time before she has to go, those emails, from me to her, never seem to go through either.
bf, with the help of the universe, has been finding new and novel ways to interfere with the already limited amount of time that B and i have to talk. he's almost completely stopped traveling. he still goes, maybe once a week, but only for a few hours, not the 9am - 7pm trips he used to make. those were great because it gave B and i a couple extra hours twice a week to talk. of course, those trips don't compare to the 5am - midnight trips he took twice a week last year which gave B many morning hours and many, many evening hours to fuck -him-. and that's besides the every weekend, all weekend 3somes in which bf -invited- him to come play. the last couple of weeks he's traveled once on his usual tues/thurs trips; and then he came back at 5. now you'd think that'd be no big deal, because B stays at the office and we usually talk to 630 anyway. but no! because bf was gonna be driving by the office around 5, she had to leave early because she doesn't want him stopping in to her office, because it might not be "clean" (of incriminating evidence). so, not only does he hardly travel at all, he comes back early, and his coming back early cuts our time extra short. ain't life grand? the other day, bf and the universe cooked up a particularly good one. B teaches classes Mon & Wed night; bf usually (used to, anyway) travels on Tues & Thurs. Her car started acting up Monday, so he took it on Tues to check it out. no, of course he didn't travel. he decided it had to go to the shop (which it did - it sounded terrible). which meant that bf had to pick B up at the office. and of course he came early, cutting an hour and a half out of the 2 hours we might normally had had.
i can't wait to see what's in store for the rest of this week/month/year. it's been a banner time so far in so many ways.
B and i had been video skyping from her office after work for many weeks. suddenly it stopped working. for a while she could see me but i couldn't see her. then that stopped too. i've suggested several alternatives: other video chat clients, getting her network guy to verify router settings, piggybacking on someone else's wifi. yes, yes, yes, she's agreed to all of them. but, she's pretty busy, granted. now, i completely understand that even though she says she wants me to be able to see her, that i probably haven't really earned the right yet. perhaps she'd let me see her before she was really ready to and now she's changed her mind. maybe i've been a badder boy than a good boy and i've lost the right to see her. i get it. she's the one who's been hurt and she absolutely has the right to determine what privileges i get wrt her. but here's the real kicker. she's said all along that it was important to her to be able to see me, that she -wanted- to see me (in video, not in person). but it's not important enough to fix. it would seem i've been demoted from that as well.
but this is the thing that's been gnawing at me for some time... B's biggest concern has always been that she doesn't want bf hurt by learning that she was cheating on him or being caught with indisputable evidence that she's involved with someone else. that's both understandable and honorable. nobody wants to be blindsided by finding out that their SO is leaving them for someone else. (like mine did). her goal is to, when she's ready, tell him she's not happy and that she's leaving. in the meantime, she's willing to do anything to prevent bf from finding out and being hurt. i know that staying there is hurting her; she's depressed, getting headaches and an ulcer, just generally not happy. but here's what i can't answer: why is protecting bf's feelings so much more important that her own happiness and well being? she knows what staying there is doing to her. she also knows what staying there is doing to -me-. why is protecting bf, even at the cost of the damage to herself and the hurt and damage to me (who she says she loves), more important?. why is bf more important than her and i put together? what makes his feelings and his emotional health so fucking important? her staying there is killing her and it's killing me. WHY IS HE MORE IMPORTANT? i left my life because i thought there -might be a chance- that B would be with me. B won't leave hers even though she doesn't want to be there and the life she does want is standing here, waiting with open arms.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
why won't she leave bf now, even if not to be with me, but just to be on her own for awhile? she repeatedly says she's dead there, can't stand being there, doesn't love him, will have no problem leaving him. so why not do it? she's said she needs time to heal from the hurts and betrayals i've caused her. but, she's not able to heal being there with bf. she can't/won't come to me before she's had time to heal. catch-22. she needs to heal before coming to me, can't heal at home with bf and won't leave bf until she feels better. i think that -together- we could both heal so much faster than trying to do it alone. at the very least, a few months of her living on her own would do her so much good. she'd be away from the home that she doesn't want to be in. she'd have free time, time on her own, to spend however she wanted. we'd have so much more time to talk and so much less pressure on us. even though i wouldn't be happy that she left bf but still isn't coming to me, at least it'd be a step in the right direction. even if she then decided that she couldn't be with me, at least she'd be free of bf and able to persue the life she wants.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
how is it possible that at this stage in the life of a middle age, middle class white professional there's not a single thing that's going well? Okay, maybe that's not entirely true; my current contract gig is a -great- place to work, but even that is overshadowed by potential downside. They might offer me a permanent position - which would be great. they have great benefits, a great working atmosphere, solid company. the downside is that because of my alimony and pending bankruptcy, i may not be able to -afford- to work here because it'll likely be about a 20% cut from what i'm making now. anyway, that's months down the road.
i'm pretty sure there's a cavity in my bottom back right molar. it just popped up yesterday with sudden sensitivity to heat and cold. great. that's my reward for not going to the dentist for the last 2 years. that was all part of my "fuck it, my life sucks so what's the point" campaign. which has been on hold a little but is gonna come back full swing pretty soon. B and i had an agreement; i'd go to the doctor to get some things looked at and she'd follow up with a health issue that she's been avoiding for two years. so, i've been going to the doctor. diagnosed with diabetes & high blood pressure, both being addressed now with diet and medication. had a hernia repaired. now that surgery's past i can get to the dentist for that long delayed work. B hasn't kept up her end of the bargain. she's no closer to getting to the doctor than she was 8 weeks ago. the irony of it is that i've been addressing my health issues, which may help me live longer. won't that be great if she decides not to be with me?
here's a good news/bad news thing: B's been sending me pics over the last few weeks. but yahoo hasn't been delivering them. from yahoo to yahoo - no picture delivery. from her to my work, no problem (but hard to send XXX shots to work, not that they are). from me to her, no problem. the ONLY time it doesn't work is when she's sending pics to me. go figure. well that's not entirely true. when there's something i want her to read and there's limited time before she has to go, those emails, from me to her, never seem to go through either.
bf, with the help of the universe, has been finding new and novel ways to interfere with the already limited amount of time that B and i have to talk. he's almost completely stopped traveling. he still goes, maybe once a week, but only for a few hours, not the 9am - 7pm trips he used to make. those were great because it gave B and i a couple extra hours twice a week to talk. of course, those trips don't compare to the 5am - midnight trips he took twice a week last year which gave B many morning hours and many, many evening hours to fuck -him-. and that's besides the every weekend, all weekend 3somes in which bf -invited- him to come play. the last couple of weeks he's traveled once on his usual tues/thurs trips; and then he came back at 5. now you'd think that'd be no big deal, because B stays at the office and we usually talk to 630 anyway. but no! because bf was gonna be driving by the office around 5, she had to leave early because she doesn't want him stopping in to her office, because it might not be "clean" (of incriminating evidence). so, not only does he hardly travel at all, he comes back early, and his coming back early cuts our time extra short. ain't life grand? the other day, bf and the universe cooked up a particularly good one. B teaches classes Mon & Wed night; bf usually (used to, anyway) travels on Tues & Thurs. Her car started acting up Monday, so he took it on Tues to check it out. no, of course he didn't travel. he decided it had to go to the shop (which it did - it sounded terrible). which meant that bf had to pick B up at the office. and of course he came early, cutting an hour and a half out of the 2 hours we might normally had had.
i can't wait to see what's in store for the rest of this week/month/year. it's been a banner time so far in so many ways.
B and i had been video skyping from her office after work for many weeks. suddenly it stopped working. for a while she could see me but i couldn't see her. then that stopped too. i've suggested several alternatives: other video chat clients, getting her network guy to verify router settings, piggybacking on someone else's wifi. yes, yes, yes, she's agreed to all of them. but, she's pretty busy, granted. now, i completely understand that even though she says she wants me to be able to see her, that i probably haven't really earned the right yet. perhaps she'd let me see her before she was really ready to and now she's changed her mind. maybe i've been a badder boy than a good boy and i've lost the right to see her. i get it. she's the one who's been hurt and she absolutely has the right to determine what privileges i get wrt her. but here's the real kicker. she's said all along that it was important to her to be able to see me, that she -wanted- to see me (in video, not in person). but it's not important enough to fix. it would seem i've been demoted from that as well.
but this is the thing that's been gnawing at me for some time... B's biggest concern has always been that she doesn't want bf hurt by learning that she was cheating on him or being caught with indisputable evidence that she's involved with someone else. that's both understandable and honorable. nobody wants to be blindsided by finding out that their SO is leaving them for someone else. (like mine did). her goal is to, when she's ready, tell him she's not happy and that she's leaving. in the meantime, she's willing to do anything to prevent bf from finding out and being hurt. i know that staying there is hurting her; she's depressed, getting headaches and an ulcer, just generally not happy. but here's what i can't answer: why is protecting bf's feelings so much more important that her own happiness and well being? she knows what staying there is doing to her. she also knows what staying there is doing to -me-. why is protecting bf, even at the cost of the damage to herself and the hurt and damage to me (who she says she loves), more important?. why is bf more important than her and i put together? what makes his feelings and his emotional health so fucking important? her staying there is killing her and it's killing me. WHY IS HE MORE IMPORTANT? i left my life because i thought there -might be a chance- that B would be with me. B won't leave hers even though she doesn't want to be there and the life she does want is standing here, waiting with open arms.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
why won't she leave bf now, even if not to be with me, but just to be on her own for awhile? she repeatedly says she's dead there, can't stand being there, doesn't love him, will have no problem leaving him. so why not do it? she's said she needs time to heal from the hurts and betrayals i've caused her. but, she's not able to heal being there with bf. she can't/won't come to me before she's had time to heal. catch-22. she needs to heal before coming to me, can't heal at home with bf and won't leave bf until she feels better. i think that -together- we could both heal so much faster than trying to do it alone. at the very least, a few months of her living on her own would do her so much good. she'd be away from the home that she doesn't want to be in. she'd have free time, time on her own, to spend however she wanted. we'd have so much more time to talk and so much less pressure on us. even though i wouldn't be happy that she left bf but still isn't coming to me, at least it'd be a step in the right direction. even if she then decided that she couldn't be with me, at least she'd be free of bf and able to persue the life she wants.
maybe the problem really is -me-.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li
thursday, 7/23/09, was an epic day.
it was the day my future was sealed.
in hebrew there's a well known bridal/love verse:
i love the feel of her ring on my hand. it's a constant, tangible reminder that she is with me.
our future is here.
Sidenote: Hebrew is one of the languages that assigns gender to nouns. The above is as said from a man to a woman. The female to male version would be: Ani L'ahuvi v'ahuvi Li. but it still means "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine".
it was the day my future was sealed.
in hebrew there's a well known bridal/love verse:
Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Liit's from the Song of Soloman. it means:
I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.thursday, my love and i exchanged rings. nothing legal, nothing elaborate. intensely personal. intensely meaningful. we weren't even in person - we did it via video call, having previously shipped rings to each other.
i love the feel of her ring on my hand. it's a constant, tangible reminder that she is with me.
our future is here.
Sidenote: Hebrew is one of the languages that assigns gender to nouns. The above is as said from a man to a woman. The female to male version would be: Ani L'ahuvi v'ahuvi Li. but it still means "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine".
Monday, July 27, 2009
maybe it is me, after all
i remember coming to this city. i was very apprehensive about leaving our home state in feb for a job here. it felt like such a huge separation, like putting yet another obstacle between us, interfereing with our attempt to get back together.
as always, she was the voice of reason. calmly laid out the pros and cons, the good and the bad. told me time and again that the distance would have no impact on us. told me that it'd be good for me to get a new start somewhere new; new people, new work, new scenery.
my biggest fear was that the distance would make it easier for her to stay away, make it less likely that she'd tell me to come be with her. and what I remember most is her telling me, time and again, "you can always leave in a couple months" [for us to be together].
that was mid-Feb. in feb she told me she was taking a weekend trip in March and maybe i could see her then.
March. no.
April. in april she told me that memorial day was very possible, maybe even likely.
May. not so much.
June. in june she said the 4th of july would be possible, that maybe i could come to her party not as her secret lover, but just as a friend.
July. no.
and now, August. she's promised she'll let me come see her at her birthday in late Sep. "See", not fuck, not kiss, not start our life together... "see"
now that's only a couple months. "you can come see me in a couple months" - a far cry from "you can always leave in a couple months [and come be with me]".
what have i done to this woman, the -one- that i love so much, that she can't even imagine seeing me in person?
maybe it's not her hurts that keep us apart; maybe it is me after all. i mean, i have a lot going for me. i'm a fat, middle aged guy, hypertensive, high cholesterol, diabetic, broke, twice divorced, heavy lifetime alimony payments, soon to be filing bankruptcy, dwindling career choices and opportunities, 11 years her senior and with a history of breaking her heart.
what hot, sexy woman -wouldn't- want to be with me?
oh, right... all of them.
as always, she was the voice of reason. calmly laid out the pros and cons, the good and the bad. told me time and again that the distance would have no impact on us. told me that it'd be good for me to get a new start somewhere new; new people, new work, new scenery.
my biggest fear was that the distance would make it easier for her to stay away, make it less likely that she'd tell me to come be with her. and what I remember most is her telling me, time and again, "you can always leave in a couple months" [for us to be together].
that was mid-Feb. in feb she told me she was taking a weekend trip in March and maybe i could see her then.
March. no.
April. in april she told me that memorial day was very possible, maybe even likely.
May. not so much.
June. in june she said the 4th of july would be possible, that maybe i could come to her party not as her secret lover, but just as a friend.
July. no.
and now, August. she's promised she'll let me come see her at her birthday in late Sep. "See", not fuck, not kiss, not start our life together... "see"
now that's only a couple months. "you can come see me in a couple months" - a far cry from "you can always leave in a couple months [and come be with me]".
what have i done to this woman, the -one- that i love so much, that she can't even imagine seeing me in person?
maybe it's not her hurts that keep us apart; maybe it is me after all. i mean, i have a lot going for me. i'm a fat, middle aged guy, hypertensive, high cholesterol, diabetic, broke, twice divorced, heavy lifetime alimony payments, soon to be filing bankruptcy, dwindling career choices and opportunities, 11 years her senior and with a history of breaking her heart.
what hot, sexy woman -wouldn't- want to be with me?
oh, right... all of them.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
knowing isn't always better...
i just found out i'm diabetic. way diabetic.
i guess congratulations are in order - for me. i've worked hard over the last 6 years to abuse myself as much as possible. bad food, fast food, rich food. alcohol. tons and tons of alcohol. for the last 2 years i've drank about 3-4L of vodka per week. for a couple years before that it was 1-2L per week.
looks like i've succeeded.
i wonder if i was subconsciously trying to prove something to myself. we've just determined that there are no health issues, no social issues, no life issues that are severe enough, that no threat to my life or mental health are enough to get her to overcome her fears and come to me. nothing that can happen to me is enough for her to give up those fears and start our life together. which is the one thing i need.
and now i've proved it.
knowing isn't always better...
i guess congratulations are in order - for me. i've worked hard over the last 6 years to abuse myself as much as possible. bad food, fast food, rich food. alcohol. tons and tons of alcohol. for the last 2 years i've drank about 3-4L of vodka per week. for a couple years before that it was 1-2L per week.
looks like i've succeeded.
i wonder if i was subconsciously trying to prove something to myself. we've just determined that there are no health issues, no social issues, no life issues that are severe enough, that no threat to my life or mental health are enough to get her to overcome her fears and come to me. nothing that can happen to me is enough for her to give up those fears and start our life together. which is the one thing i need.
and now i've proved it.
knowing isn't always better...
useless thoughts and feelings
i'm not feeling taken seriously or something. i know you love me because i feel in my heart that it must be so. i know because of the way you care about me.
the way we are towards each other, the desire and lust we feel, the passion we hold for each other and the love we give each other is like no other couple ever could. i'm sure there's a lot of couples that feel that - but truly, none could compare to what we have. compared to every other couple out there, we shine light years ahead of all the rest.
save one. do you know that compared to that one other couple, I feel like we're just another long term, married, average couple? do you know the shock and desperation and feeling of despair that arises from the clash of -that- with how i feel toward us? how completely opposite it is from what i feel for you and for us?
what echoes in my mind are the times you told me you'd NEVER "rush in" to get back with (to) me, even on a monday. how you said you'll NEVER do that. and you told the truth...about me, anyway.
you've told me how you'd rush to his house in the morning, let yourself in and shed clothes on the way to his bed before spending those morning hours with him. how you'd rush to his house at lunch for those long lunches. how you got so caught up with him that you lost track of time and almost got caught.
today, with all the things we're trying to overcome, with the pain that we both feel at being separated and out of touch over the weekend, you still don't rush back in. you can even make unscheduled stops and not think to call. not that i was expecting a call; i just assumed you were late, overslept, got busy. you rushed to him, eager. tearing off your clothes as you walked through the door. and tell me you overslept. or had errands. it's not a high priority that video problems get fixed. never mind what i want - YOU used to -want- to see me. now? oh well, guess video's still not working.
why is that kind of passion missing when you think of me & us? are we so much less than you and he were/are? when was the last time you ran to us, eager for passion? when was the last time you stripped off your clothes as you anticipated our time together? when was the last time you initiated sex? or even just talked sex to me, on your own, because you wanted to? when, if ever, was the last time you wanted to surprise me with a skype fuck?
a couple weeks ago (it may be just one, feels longer) we talked about doing something to alter our mindset a little. we talked about acting as though we really were a couple, already together, who're just temporarily seperated because of work or something. you agreed, liked the idea, thought it might help us feel closer, might help you let down your guard, feel more free with yourself. you cautioned me that it wouldn't just burst free, that it'd take a little while. to be honest, it may have been only a week ago; it feels like two to me. have you felt anything? have you even once had a fleeting thought that you'd like to give me -whatever-? or do something different? do you remember us talking about this? you cautioned me and i concurred. i knew the floodgates wouldn't come down suddenly. but i thought you were going to lower the walls a little. maybe push yourself to do somethign different - somethign as difficult as letting me see that (*&(#!@ picture of you in a hat and pony tail. g-d baby :-(. am i so low that i can't even see that? you rush to get naked with him just minutes after bf leaves but you can't bring yourself to let me see you clothed, in a hat? how little must i mean to you?
the way we are towards each other, the desire and lust we feel, the passion we hold for each other and the love we give each other is like no other couple ever could. i'm sure there's a lot of couples that feel that - but truly, none could compare to what we have. compared to every other couple out there, we shine light years ahead of all the rest.
save one. do you know that compared to that one other couple, I feel like we're just another long term, married, average couple? do you know the shock and desperation and feeling of despair that arises from the clash of -that- with how i feel toward us? how completely opposite it is from what i feel for you and for us?
what echoes in my mind are the times you told me you'd NEVER "rush in" to get back with (to) me, even on a monday. how you said you'll NEVER do that. and you told the truth...about me, anyway.
you've told me how you'd rush to his house in the morning, let yourself in and shed clothes on the way to his bed before spending those morning hours with him. how you'd rush to his house at lunch for those long lunches. how you got so caught up with him that you lost track of time and almost got caught.
today, with all the things we're trying to overcome, with the pain that we both feel at being separated and out of touch over the weekend, you still don't rush back in. you can even make unscheduled stops and not think to call. not that i was expecting a call; i just assumed you were late, overslept, got busy. you rushed to him, eager. tearing off your clothes as you walked through the door. and tell me you overslept. or had errands. it's not a high priority that video problems get fixed. never mind what i want - YOU used to -want- to see me. now? oh well, guess video's still not working.
why is that kind of passion missing when you think of me & us? are we so much less than you and he were/are? when was the last time you ran to us, eager for passion? when was the last time you stripped off your clothes as you anticipated our time together? when was the last time you initiated sex? or even just talked sex to me, on your own, because you wanted to? when, if ever, was the last time you wanted to surprise me with a skype fuck?
a couple weeks ago (it may be just one, feels longer) we talked about doing something to alter our mindset a little. we talked about acting as though we really were a couple, already together, who're just temporarily seperated because of work or something. you agreed, liked the idea, thought it might help us feel closer, might help you let down your guard, feel more free with yourself. you cautioned me that it wouldn't just burst free, that it'd take a little while. to be honest, it may have been only a week ago; it feels like two to me. have you felt anything? have you even once had a fleeting thought that you'd like to give me -whatever-? or do something different? do you remember us talking about this? you cautioned me and i concurred. i knew the floodgates wouldn't come down suddenly. but i thought you were going to lower the walls a little. maybe push yourself to do somethign different - somethign as difficult as letting me see that (*&(#!@ picture of you in a hat and pony tail. g-d baby :-(. am i so low that i can't even see that? you rush to get naked with him just minutes after bf leaves but you can't bring yourself to let me see you clothed, in a hat? how little must i mean to you?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
life, rev 3
well, at least some uncertainty's been removed.
there will not be an -us- until april-ish, 2010, at best.
there won't be any B in my summer.
she has promised, as best she can do, that she'll let me see her right before her birthday - which is a little over four months from now. add the required number of visits, the time between and the holiday bumps to figure out where that puts the first possibility of there being an -us- that consists of B and i. i'm too numb to do it right this second, but i guess it works out to april-ish.
of course, that depends on her actually being able to see me right before her birthday. she thought for sure we'd be seeing each other by memorial day, but that ain't happening. four+ more months seems like the odds get raised, but there's no guarantee.
so what the f-ck do i do with my summer now? i'd really planned on seeing her, really thought it was a possibility, something she wanted. despite being the eternal pessimist, i had truly let myself believe that we'd be seeing each other this summer. i KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWFUCKINGKNOW that things never work out like i want, that's why i'm a fucking pessimist. so why do i let myself be so optimistic with regard to her? oh, right - because she's the woman i love. because i can't imagine a life without her in it. because i don't want a life without her in it. because there is no life without her in it.
this does remove some uncertainty though. i'll definitely be going through my legal issues on my own. i know where i -won't- be living.
damn. when the numbness wears off, this is really gonna suck. and hurt.
there will not be an -us- until april-ish, 2010, at best.
there won't be any B in my summer.
she has promised, as best she can do, that she'll let me see her right before her birthday - which is a little over four months from now. add the required number of visits, the time between and the holiday bumps to figure out where that puts the first possibility of there being an -us- that consists of B and i. i'm too numb to do it right this second, but i guess it works out to april-ish.
of course, that depends on her actually being able to see me right before her birthday. she thought for sure we'd be seeing each other by memorial day, but that ain't happening. four+ more months seems like the odds get raised, but there's no guarantee.
so what the f-ck do i do with my summer now? i'd really planned on seeing her, really thought it was a possibility, something she wanted. despite being the eternal pessimist, i had truly let myself believe that we'd be seeing each other this summer. i KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWFUCKINGKNOW that things never work out like i want, that's why i'm a fucking pessimist. so why do i let myself be so optimistic with regard to her? oh, right - because she's the woman i love. because i can't imagine a life without her in it. because i don't want a life without her in it. because there is no life without her in it.
this does remove some uncertainty though. i'll definitely be going through my legal issues on my own. i know where i -won't- be living.
damn. when the numbness wears off, this is really gonna suck. and hurt.
Friday, May 08, 2009
life, revised
well, obviously a visit didn't happen this week. it wasn't even discussed.
and since it wasn't even raised as a possibility, it's safe to assume that next week won't either. and she's gone the following week. so that means that May isn't gonna happen.
that's a -real- disappointment, for a couple of reasons. the first is obvious: she still doesn't want to see me.
the second is more of a personal disappointment (as though being told, even round-aboutly, that your love doesn't want to see you isn't a personal disappointment). to the best of my recollection, i'd asked her, back in march during the long weekend of talk time we had when she was traveling, if she thought we'd see each other by Memorial Day. and she'd quickly, positively and quite firmly said "oh yes, definitely by then".
maybe not so much. but i have to say, it did make me feel a little better during all those intervening weeks.
sigh.
while i'm sure her goal wasn't to make the boy feel a little better, it did accomplish something more important: it relieved her of some of the stress from me of pushing for a visit.
and now we're here. or more accurately, she's there and i'm here. one thousand, one hundred and fifty one miles apart.
if only it were just miles. miles can be conquered by car, by plane, hell, by walking if need be.
and since it wasn't even raised as a possibility, it's safe to assume that next week won't either. and she's gone the following week. so that means that May isn't gonna happen.
that's a -real- disappointment, for a couple of reasons. the first is obvious: she still doesn't want to see me.
the second is more of a personal disappointment (as though being told, even round-aboutly, that your love doesn't want to see you isn't a personal disappointment). to the best of my recollection, i'd asked her, back in march during the long weekend of talk time we had when she was traveling, if she thought we'd see each other by Memorial Day. and she'd quickly, positively and quite firmly said "oh yes, definitely by then".
maybe not so much. but i have to say, it did make me feel a little better during all those intervening weeks.
sigh.
while i'm sure her goal wasn't to make the boy feel a little better, it did accomplish something more important: it relieved her of some of the stress from me of pushing for a visit.
and now we're here. or more accurately, she's there and i'm here. one thousand, one hundred and fifty one miles apart.
if only it were just miles. miles can be conquered by car, by plane, hell, by walking if need be.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
my light, my life, my strength, my purpose
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Monday, March 30, 2009
what is and what ain't
it's been three weeks since she went away for the weekend and i had her almost completely to myself for 48 hours. since then, there's been a couple times i've had her on the phone for >6 hours. it's been 11 weeks since her monday night call to me saying she missed me and us. and it's been 18 weeks since that terrible saturday in november. it feels like a long time. but then, i was the doer, not the doee.
i've tried many times to get her to just chuck it all and let us start, even though she's still hurt. she can't trust me yet, can't trust that i won't leave her again and from a purely objective point of view, i don't blame her. i know what's in my heart and i tell her that, but her response is always "but you were just as sure last time, too." good point. what she can't know though, is what those times of being without her, during which i was sure i'd lost her for good did to me. she can't know, just like each time has beat her down, made her more unsure of us, how each time away from her, how the panic set in when i finally realized that my future wasn't gonna be with her.
eighteen weeks. four and a half months. and we've progressed to the point where she'll usually let me see her on skype. not always, but often. not to the point where i can assume it - i'm still always surprised when we talk and she won't let me see her. there's still no new pics, no views of her in a skirt, or dressed to teach class, or her sexy legs and ass, still none of the pics her girlfriend took of her (that she was gonna send me before -then-), none of the pics she says she's taken of herself in clothes i've bought for her or outfits i've suggested for her. she wouldn't even let me see a pic of her from the marathon she ran - probably because she was wearing -his- hat and -he- was with them (her and bf) the whole day.
when she went away for the weekend, -she'd- mentioned that -maybe- it'd be an opportunity for us to meet. that didn't happen - when it came down to it, she couldn't stomach the thought of being in the same room with me. not to mention that my very presence would have spoiled another area of her life - the area that bf is from. since then, i've tried to get her to let me visit, tried to get her to leave bf and come see me, even tried to just get her to leave bf and get her own place. no, no and no. still can't stand to see me, can't do that yet, has to be her own idea on her own time. on that she's been consistent since the first time we talked.
so soon, bf will be taking a weekend trip and she'll be home alone. to me, it's a perfect opportunity for me to fly in on a thursday, spend thursday night with her (coz we usually get a fair amount of time on thursdays), then friday afternoon and then saturday through sunday afternoon. sex and fucking? not a chance. talking, being together, touching? yeah, that'd be possible.
only one small problem.
let's ignore the fact that she can't see me still. or that she won't let me see her, other than from behind the safety of her desk or her couch and never anything except from her neck up. never mind the fact that she tells me she can see us together, wants to be together. or that it's been almost a month since since her trip, almost two months since she first mentioned this trip, which will be late next month. or that she hasn't mentioned it at all. something significant will probably happen for me around the end of march, which she knows about and is somewhat involved in. yesterday i asked her if she thought we'd see each other by then, within that two months. she didn't say "no", but she certainly didn't say "yes" either. she said "i'd like to say yes...". i know her well enough and we've been through enough times where that's been her answer to know that seeing her is not something i can count on. it could happen, but i really need to not get my hopes up. if possible, i should try to completely forget about even asking or hoping to see her, otherwise i'll start pressuring her to do so and that will send her the other way.
so, let's follow the time line. almost five months since -then-. almost three months since she called. almost a month since a real opportunity to see her was passed over. less than a month till the next opportunity to spend time together. and she isn't sure that in -two- more months she'll yet be able to stomach being in the same place with me.
what is is that i love her. i can't picture my life without her. what is is that because of what i've done to her, she isn't sure, despite also believing that we belong together, that she can find her way back to an -us-; which means that no matter how much she wants it, needs it, sees it, she might just not be able to bring herself to do it.
what ain't is the romantic notion/hopes i had that i'd be able to call her up, ask her to leave bf and fly to me, spend a few weeks here wrapping up this part of my life, then we drive back to her area and we start living our life. what ain't is the equally romantic wish that she'd call me one day and just say "be here tonight" and that while i was winging toward her at 500mph she'd be home packing her bags and telling bf she was done. what ain't is the hope that we could be together anytime soon. what ain't is the frightening reality that the legal and financial hardships that are relentlessly getting closer to me will be weathered without her by my side; i'll have her support, but it won't be in person.
what -is-, everyday, is another day of the fucking reality of what i did to her, to me, to us.
fuck.
i've tried many times to get her to just chuck it all and let us start, even though she's still hurt. she can't trust me yet, can't trust that i won't leave her again and from a purely objective point of view, i don't blame her. i know what's in my heart and i tell her that, but her response is always "but you were just as sure last time, too." good point. what she can't know though, is what those times of being without her, during which i was sure i'd lost her for good did to me. she can't know, just like each time has beat her down, made her more unsure of us, how each time away from her, how the panic set in when i finally realized that my future wasn't gonna be with her.
eighteen weeks. four and a half months. and we've progressed to the point where she'll usually let me see her on skype. not always, but often. not to the point where i can assume it - i'm still always surprised when we talk and she won't let me see her. there's still no new pics, no views of her in a skirt, or dressed to teach class, or her sexy legs and ass, still none of the pics her girlfriend took of her (that she was gonna send me before -then-), none of the pics she says she's taken of herself in clothes i've bought for her or outfits i've suggested for her. she wouldn't even let me see a pic of her from the marathon she ran - probably because she was wearing -his- hat and -he- was with them (her and bf) the whole day.
when she went away for the weekend, -she'd- mentioned that -maybe- it'd be an opportunity for us to meet. that didn't happen - when it came down to it, she couldn't stomach the thought of being in the same room with me. not to mention that my very presence would have spoiled another area of her life - the area that bf is from. since then, i've tried to get her to let me visit, tried to get her to leave bf and come see me, even tried to just get her to leave bf and get her own place. no, no and no. still can't stand to see me, can't do that yet, has to be her own idea on her own time. on that she's been consistent since the first time we talked.
so soon, bf will be taking a weekend trip and she'll be home alone. to me, it's a perfect opportunity for me to fly in on a thursday, spend thursday night with her (coz we usually get a fair amount of time on thursdays), then friday afternoon and then saturday through sunday afternoon. sex and fucking? not a chance. talking, being together, touching? yeah, that'd be possible.
only one small problem.
let's ignore the fact that she can't see me still. or that she won't let me see her, other than from behind the safety of her desk or her couch and never anything except from her neck up. never mind the fact that she tells me she can see us together, wants to be together. or that it's been almost a month since since her trip, almost two months since she first mentioned this trip, which will be late next month. or that she hasn't mentioned it at all. something significant will probably happen for me around the end of march, which she knows about and is somewhat involved in. yesterday i asked her if she thought we'd see each other by then, within that two months. she didn't say "no", but she certainly didn't say "yes" either. she said "i'd like to say yes...". i know her well enough and we've been through enough times where that's been her answer to know that seeing her is not something i can count on. it could happen, but i really need to not get my hopes up. if possible, i should try to completely forget about even asking or hoping to see her, otherwise i'll start pressuring her to do so and that will send her the other way.
so, let's follow the time line. almost five months since -then-. almost three months since she called. almost a month since a real opportunity to see her was passed over. less than a month till the next opportunity to spend time together. and she isn't sure that in -two- more months she'll yet be able to stomach being in the same place with me.
what is is that i love her. i can't picture my life without her. what is is that because of what i've done to her, she isn't sure, despite also believing that we belong together, that she can find her way back to an -us-; which means that no matter how much she wants it, needs it, sees it, she might just not be able to bring herself to do it.
what ain't is the romantic notion/hopes i had that i'd be able to call her up, ask her to leave bf and fly to me, spend a few weeks here wrapping up this part of my life, then we drive back to her area and we start living our life. what ain't is the equally romantic wish that she'd call me one day and just say "be here tonight" and that while i was winging toward her at 500mph she'd be home packing her bags and telling bf she was done. what ain't is the hope that we could be together anytime soon. what ain't is the frightening reality that the legal and financial hardships that are relentlessly getting closer to me will be weathered without her by my side; i'll have her support, but it won't be in person.
what -is-, everyday, is another day of the fucking reality of what i did to her, to me, to us.
fuck.
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