looking back, looking forward

today's the day - she comes back.

finally.

about four years ago, on 8/27/2009, she told me she needed to take some time. some time away from work. some time away from me.

today she comes back. she's scheduled to come back.

i know in my heart she's never left... but it's been an awful long time since she was here. it feels like forever.

our first scheduled visit is rapidly approaching. that is, the date that she's said, since may, that she'd definitely see me by - 9/17. so far she's a little shaky about it, but no signs yet that she's close to cancelling.

of course, i like to make the best use of time. so of course i planned flights where i'd get there in time for us to have lunch together and then time after work, then again friday after work. she's already let me know that thursday lunch might be difficult for her. not because of scheduling, or work commitments or other engagements. but because it's -me-. so, 1/3 of our potential meeting opportunities has already been taken off the table. i'm pretty sure that bf and the universe will do their best to minimize any other time she & i might have. will he travel on that thursday, to perhaps give us a few extra hours at night? no, i'm sure not. if anything, he'll probably not only -not- travel, but he'll probably have some early afternoon event scheduled so she'll have to leave work early or right at quitting time, thereby allowing her & i no time. it's pretty likely that the same thing will happen on friday as well. in fact, if bf and the universe don't fuck up thursdays' time, you can count on them fucking fridays' time.

which will kill me. she'll see it in me and in my face. she'll take it as a reason for me to leave. and when i leave her on that friday, she'll be both worried and confident that i'm bolting again, leaving her again. i know i won't, i know there's not even a chance of that... but she doesn't. and so -that- will set us back another month or two.

i even went so far as to lay out a 2-week and a 3-week visit schedule for the rest of the year. (wrt some things, i'm an eternal optimist). She's said a few times that 3 is pretty much the minimum number of visits before she's able to see herself leaving bf and being with me. three visits is either 10/15-16 or 10/29-30. that'd be cool.

by years' end, there's 8 visits on the 2 week schedule and 6 on the 3 week schedule. my hope is that by years' end, we're commuting back and forth as a couple.

fantasy? possibility?