i'm not feeling taken seriously or something. i know you love me because i feel in my heart that it must be so. i know because of the way you care about me.
the way we are towards each other, the desire and lust we feel, the passion we hold for each other and the love we give each other is like no other couple ever could. i'm sure there's a lot of couples that feel that - but truly, none could compare to what we have. compared to every other couple out there, we shine light years ahead of all the rest.
save one. do you know that compared to that one other couple, I feel like we're just another long term, married, average couple? do you know the shock and desperation and feeling of despair that arises from the clash of -that- with how i feel toward us? how completely opposite it is from what i feel for you and for us?
what echoes in my mind are the times you told me you'd NEVER "rush in" to get back with (to) me, even on a monday. how you said you'll NEVER do that. and you told the truth...about me, anyway.
you've told me how you'd rush to his house in the morning, let yourself in and shed clothes on the way to his bed before spending those morning hours with him. how you'd rush to his house at lunch for those long lunches. how you got so caught up with him that you lost track of time and almost got caught.
today, with all the things we're trying to overcome, with the pain that we both feel at being separated and out of touch over the weekend, you still don't rush back in. you can even make unscheduled stops and not think to call. not that i was expecting a call; i just assumed you were late, overslept, got busy. you rushed to him, eager. tearing off your clothes as you walked through the door. and tell me you overslept. or had errands. it's not a high priority that video problems get fixed. never mind what i want - YOU used to -want- to see me. now? oh well, guess video's still not working.
why is that kind of passion missing when you think of me & us? are we so much less than you and he were/are? when was the last time you ran to us, eager for passion? when was the last time you stripped off your clothes as you anticipated our time together? when was the last time you initiated sex? or even just talked sex to me, on your own, because you wanted to? when, if ever, was the last time you wanted to surprise me with a skype fuck?
a couple weeks ago (it may be just one, feels longer) we talked about doing something to alter our mindset a little. we talked about acting as though we really were a couple, already together, who're just temporarily seperated because of work or something. you agreed, liked the idea, thought it might help us feel closer, might help you let down your guard, feel more free with yourself. you cautioned me that it wouldn't just burst free, that it'd take a little while. to be honest, it may have been only a week ago; it feels like two to me. have you felt anything? have you even once had a fleeting thought that you'd like to give me -whatever-? or do something different? do you remember us talking about this? you cautioned me and i concurred. i knew the floodgates wouldn't come down suddenly. but i thought you were going to lower the walls a little. maybe push yourself to do somethign different - somethign as difficult as letting me see that (*&(#!@ picture of you in a hat and pony tail. g-d baby :-(. am i so low that i can't even see that? you rush to get naked with him just minutes after bf leaves but you can't bring yourself to let me see you clothed, in a hat? how little must i mean to you?
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It's clear to me that no matter what I do I will always let you down. I'm trying desperately to get out from under this hurt and betrayal and learn to trust and not be so angry towards you and to forgive you, but no matter what I do, how hard I try, there is always something that I am doing wrong. It's never enough. I wonder what you want with me, why you want me, how you can want me when your version of things and your vision of me is so negative and so bad. I wonder if you're looking for a way out so you allow yourself to think negatively all the time about me and us. I got so scared when I read this. I cried uncontrollably that L came in and asked me what was wrong and I -still- couldn't stop. We're almost on the eve of our commitment and I wonder if you think it's a joke. I don’t. All I need is to be able to breathe, to lighten us up, to not have the weight of us on top of me/us all the time (ALL THE TIME), and that will allow me to let my walls down, let my guard down, give you those things we've talked about and really be -us-. I can't tell you how hurt I am by this and I suspect even if I could you wouldn't be able to hear me because all you'd hear and feel and see is -your- hurts. We have to get out of this vicious cycle. We're killing us. And I think that's something neither of us wants or can take. Or, if it is, please let me know now.
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