and he does it again

g-d. what a difference 6 hours can make...

six hours ago, i was poring over the calendar, eagerly marking out visit schedules for the rest of the year, both a 2 week cycle (8 visits by years' end) and a 3 week cycle (6 visits) ... i marked them both on a calendar with different colored highlighters... laid them out in a table... outlined the most likely period when i thought she'd be ready to finally be together.. (late october through late november... about visit 4 on the 2 wk cycle, visit 3 or 4 on the 3 wk cycle... either way, i pretty much saw (as i have for a couple months or so now) that my best guess on when we'd be together (as in togethertogether, as in she leaves hubby) was november-ish. preferably earlier in the month, but i pretty much reckoned by turkey day for sure...

and then she came back from her week (10 days) away.

now you'd think that'd be a joyous occasion. but no. once again i fucked it up. i worked really hard on not jumping all over her when she finally reappeared. i've only been anticipating this morning for 10 days, but intensely for the last two or so.... i purposely held back, wanting to make sure i didn't say anything that'd make her feel bad, purposely wanted to give her the time and the space to find her own way back to us... as i thought we'd determined during previous conversations that she needed.

apparently i was wrong at that, too.

so instead, she's in tears. telling me i told her she did it wrong. telling me that it was -i- who didn't seem anxious to be back in touch...

wow... really??

wow... will i -EVER- treat her right?

this morning i was so happily looking at the calendar.. .confident that all that i've waited for, that she's waited for, that we've waited for... for six long years... for the last two years.. for the last 8 months... all that we've wanted and waited for... CONFIDENT that all of that was coming to a head and would BE HERE in less than 100 days.. by the end of the year, if not sooner...

i KNEW it was coming.. .there was nothing but the knowledge of the absolute truth of that, throughout my bones.... every fiber of my being KNEW that us being together, the only real option, was not only finally going to happen, but that we were starting to count down the days!!! it was shaping itself into a date, a REAL date, on the calendar... not too far away.. end of the year, tops... possibly as soon as 45 days away... not a single iota of me in anyway doubted that the only possible outcome, her and i being together, was in fact the only possible outcome. there simply are, were, no other possible outcomes....

and then? i opened my mouth.

when i left for the dr's office this morning, i carried with me the ease and confidence and surety of the knowledge that our wait was soon going to be over, that very soon, we'd fix all this shit and finally be together....

and then? i opened my mouth.

just six short hours.

now, instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the final wait until we're together... instead of the next 3-1/2 months being the period during which the rest of my life would finally come into focus, hell, come into -being-.... instead of feeling this enormous stretch of waiting and desolation and aloneness coming to an end, being replaced by the life we were supposed to have, supposed to be having....

now i see the next 3-1/2 months as the last hurrah. it's not a time for final redemption, but for her to finally figure out that it's not me she wants. time for her to work up the courage to tell me that she can't do it, or doesn't want to do it, or just plain and simple doesn't want me.

i thought my life would be in full bloom, full swing by the end of the year.

nope.

the end of the year looks like it's gonna be my end too.

we'll have visits.... probably 3, maybe even four... until she tells me that as far as she can tell, i don't really want to be with her.... or that she simply can't be with someone who's hurt her so much... or that she's decided life with bf really is what she wants, after all...

and then she'll tell me "go, live your life"... when what she really means is "go, so i can live my life".

i'll brood and stew and spend a couple of weeks drunk, probably losing my job in the meantime. and then I'll take one last trip home, to her... i'll stalk her for a week or so.. i'll want to see her back in full swing with -him-.... and then our hero will ride off into the sunset...

broken. crushed. empty. and hoping for a quick death.

i shouldn't feel like i've been so mistreated, i guess. g-d knows i've had enough chances to turn things around and haven't been able to. g-d knows -she's- given me more than enough chances.

i guess i don't blame her.

i don't much care for me either.

it's been a good run though... almost 52 years... just a month or so shy...

and for the last six and a half years of my life, i had the privilege of meeting, befriending and knowing the woman i was supposed to spend my life with. i do wish for more... i wish we'd had the time together that we should've had.. i wish i'd never hurt her like i have...

and while the lingering effects of me passing through her life will soon fade.. at least by me passing through, she got to meet -him- and find her future.

i really thought her future was -us-. i really did.

probably would've been... if not for me...