i know what dying feels like

i know what dying feels like.

i die everyday. have died everyday for six years. yeah sure, maybe those are little deaths, but they do destroy the soul. i wonder if really dying is like all of those combined or if the only difference in really dying is that the pain actually stops?

it's gotten worse lately. it was worse last year, when i thought we were on the road to recovery, to getting together. but i fucked that up. this january i thought we were headed toward being together again. there's been several times along the way that i thought the end of this and the beginning of us was finally in sight. memorial day, the 4th, labor day, her birthday; and looking ahead i see the next milestones we'll miss - her birthday, halloween, thanksgiving, new years, my birthday.

every day that we end our day not getting together is another death. the time of death is around 5 pm my time, when she tells me she has to go. has to go home to her husband, her home, her life. then hours of hurt and loneliness until i get to wake up alone the next morning, knowing that she's waking up with him. i shower, dress, go to work, wait until she gets in and makes contact. then a few hours of life until she leaves again.

all the times i thought we were close, meaning within a couple months, and then didn't, the deaths become more real, more painful, harder to recover from. each death takes a slightly larger piece of my soul. like my love for her, my soul (i think) is infinite, so hopefully no matter how many deaths there are, no matter how many more deaths there are, no matter how many little chips are destroyed, there'll still me more. hopefully some day she'll want me.

i can't imagine bearing this desolate emptiness even a single day longer. but i can't imagine being without her, either. i laugh very little, except with her. i -feel- very little (besides emptiness and pain) except with her. there is a g-d, because he made her. i hope he doesn't let my heart die before she can heal.

it used to be that when a date was ruled out it was a terrible, crushing moment/day. just today she confirmed, indirectly, that there will not be a visit next week, even though she said she'd think about it. i'm crushed, hopelessly crushed and in pain. but it's a dull pain, i feel it as a dull pain, even though i know it's huge. there's only so much pain the brain and the heart can register before being on overload. at that point, you're aware of the pain, but can't really feel it or seperate it from the rest of the sea of pain.

and consider that... she thought about a visit next week... and still can't do it. g-d.