damned if i do, damned if i don't

it's a classic no-win situation and one she's put me in before.

she wanted to hear me tell her that i understand her point of view, her perspective and take on what's been happening lately with us. and that's what i want to do, is to write her an email(s) trying to tell her that very thing, trying to ?explain? what's happened, what transpired between us, how i felt, that i acknowledged her point of view - all of that.

here's the problem: if i do that now, she'll think i'm only doing it to get her to talk again and she won't believe that i really mean any of it. yet if i don't do it now (thinking that perhaps waiting till next week might be better) she'll see not getting an email from me as an indication that i really don't understand, really don't care.

no win.

as happened a couple years ago with my friend E, she pushed and demanded to know the answers to questions she asked about my relationship with my fuck buddy D. and, just as she did with E, when she got the answers that she asked for (but didn't really want), she used that as justification to pull back and in this case, cut off all contact. again, no win.

she wouldn't let me be with her. and i don't think i can be without her.

that was then, this is now

and "now" does not include an "us".

she's gone. she made no attempt to contact me yesterday and hasn't today. she's not responding to emails or phone or im.

i don't exist for her except for those random moments when perhaps i pop into her head. while she might experience a second of the old good feelings, i suspect it causes her immediate pain, followed by her pushing me and us and all that we had and were completely out of her head.

i miss you B. please, please, please come back.

please?

hurt vs honesty

i should have learned by now that with her, trying to avoid hurting her by obscuring the truth is ultimately harmful and ten times as hurtful.

and still i did it, again. by trying to shield her from the pain i knew i'd cause her i've managed to crush her and us. again.

reminds me of the adage "a stitch in time saves nine", only changed to "complete honesty and a little hurt now saves ten times the hurt that will come later from less than complete honest and trying to avoid the hurt".

stupid. stupid. stupid.

i've loved her until she can't stand me.

peripheral vision

it's a quirk of vision that often times we can't see things we're looking directly at and the only (or the best) way is to not look directly at it, instead, by looking off to the side and noticing the object in your peripheral vision, it becomes visible. for example, if you're trying to look for a jet high in the sky and far away you likely won't see it unless you concentrate your attention not on the center of your field of vision but -around- the center.

it's more than just a peculiarity of vision.

i'm a middle aged guy. and like most middle aged guys, things like your own mortality, cholesterol levels, life/diet changes and the like come into your world. faithful readers (oh, that'd be me ;-)) know that my life has one purpose now - to share it with B. if that can't or isn't gonna happen, then whatever happens, happens; who cares?

my cholesterol is now officially high and i've been told to make dietary changes or go on meds which i don't really want to do. actually, i don't want to do either. without sounding overly ?dramatic? or whatever, the truth of the matter is that if a life with B isn't in my future, what the fuck is the difference if i'm able to extend my life by 5 or even 10 years? it's not like i want to end my life now if she were to tell me that that future isn't gonna happen. i still want to live at least a few more years; i'd like to see my daughter graduate and (years later!!) get married, maybe even become a mom. but to give up all the "good stuff" to have more years at the tail end without B? why? what's the point?

so, even though i worried that i wouldn't get the answer i wanted, i posed a simple question: "if i knew that you (B) and i were -never- gonna get together, is there even any -reason- for me to want to live longer"? IE, if it -is- possible then of course i would want to. if it's not gonna happen, if there's not even a chance, why bother?

the answer was "no".

quick. certain. no hesitation.

that was the left eye.

one thing we've talked about several times is kids, babies, having a family. from the beginning she's said she didn't really think she wanted any kids, although she wasn't 100% sure. certainly one of the ?contributing factors? in her staying with bf has been to have a family, especially given my age, etc. i have told her that outside of her, i would never see myself fathering another child. yet, the thought of having a baby with her, despite the challenges that go with a much older parent, the thought of having a family with her is... appealing. i rather suspect she senses those same challenges and they make the thought less than desirable.

as we're talking today she says "i wish i had already had the kid(s)/family and they were older so i could move on to the next part of my life, like you".

that was the right eye.

i've been looking directly at her, at us, at the future i want for so long. the object of my desire. the quest of my life. my holy grail.

left eye + right eye + peripheral vision = sight?

at least i don't have to diet now. think i'll have a double cheeseburger and large fries for lunch.

and dinner.

emotional dichotomy

every time she pulls away from me or shuts down or jabs at me, it's as though there's a rope tied around my heart and it gets pulled right out of my chest. and every time she's with me and close and open and laughing and the B that i know so well, it sets my soul soaring.

both these might happen over the course of a week, a day or even in the same conversation.

she thinks because i have a fuck buddy now that i don't need her as much, so she pushes away, sublimates her feelings so that knowledge doesn't hurt.

don't need her as much? that's not even close to the truth. if anything, i need her more.

yes, i enjoy the time i spend with my fuck buddy. but the time i spend there reminds me all the more and all the more strongly of just what B and i are missing out on. and makes our separation all the more painful.

how much more the same time spent with B would be. she said the other day that my life was now "fulfilling". fulfilling? hardly. fun, yeah. but fulfilling? no. what would be fulfilling would be to spend that time with the one who is the other half of my soul. fulfilling would be to be able to turn to B and as our eyes meet immediately feel the connection that binds us, to feel the rush of intimacy that envelopes us even though we may be physically separated. fulfilling would be to walk past her, brushing my fingertips along her arm as i past and to feel the electric current flow between us, the jolt that says "she is my other half", that says "truly, these two souls are one".

why does she doubt it now? i understand why the knowledge of my fuck buddy hurts. i understand why she imagines it to be so much more than it is. i can understand, at the level that the majority of people live at, how she might doubt where my feelings and heart lie. but why, when she has felt what i've felt, when she too knows the feeling of being completed by another, how could she doubt us?

there are things in our life that are transient, passing and there are things that are enduring, lasting, unbreakable and even ?eternal?. fuck buddies are transient. temporary circumstances are transient. jobs and homes and financial situations and physical possessions are transient.

the joining of two souls transcends all else. when the fuck buddies and the jobs and homes and the money have passed on, the bond between us will continue.

i don't often pray for g-d's help. but when he has given us each other, given us the gift of finding each other, i must.

please g-d, give us the strength to get past the circumstances that keep us apart. let her not doubt us and this and me. let the knowledge of the rightness and the uniqueness of who we are to each other give her (and i) the strength to persevere.

we will make it through this.

we will be together.

how could it be otherwise?

counting down the hours till

it's almost like it was two years ago. it's the terrible waiting, waiting for time to pass so i can get back to her. two years ago the thanksgiving holiday was terrible for her, i knew it from the message i got that thursday morning, and then the three days of waiting until that monday so we could talk again was interminably long.

i know she's only 12 or so hours away but it seems so distant. distant - that's exactly what i fear she'll be - distant. is she too willing the hours to pass quickly so we can be back in touch? or has she even thought about it, has she even missed 'us' this long weekend?

yet tomorrow when finally we do talk, i can't be how i want to be. i can't tell her that i missed her all weekend - she won't believe it. i can't tell her how utterly disappointed i was when i called her phone over the weekend and she didn't answer, even though i knew that there was absolutely no way she'd answer since it was locked away in a closet. i can't tell her that i don't want us to spend another thanksgiving (or -any- holiday, for that matter) apart because she'll tell me how i should be glad i'm finally living out my "real" life.

she almost doesn't want to hear it, preferring to believe that i've moved on, when nothing could be further from the truth. i'm doing more now, yes; seeing someone, yes. but "moved on"? it's such a preposterous notion. you don't "move on" from the one whose very existence makes your own have some meaning. you find diversions or distractions perhaps. but to "move on"?

i wonder sometimes if her pushing me away is a way for her to justify her not making the changes in her life that i think she really wants to make. as if she can say my interests have shifted away from her and us and because of it, she'd then be silly to make changes in her life.

and yet, nothing could be further from the truth - at least not for me.

it was this time last year that she told me she needed to live her life, to really give it a chance and see if it was the life she wanted before she made a decision to stay or leave. she wanted to give it a few months and give it a fair chance. and a few turned into several and then into another year. and now i wonder - where will we be a year from now? will she decide that the life she has is really what she's wanted all along but that she hasn't been giving it her attention and that she needs to do that - at the cost of us? or will she come to the ?realization?understanding? (as i did three years ago) that our futures should not be separate but rather lived and enjoyed as they should be - together? one part of me says that if she hasn't come to that realization by now that every day that passes makes it less and less likely. and another part says that perhaps (as she's said before) the timing wasn't right and that each day that passes brings us closer to that eventual, possible future.

the only future i want. the same future i saw, wanted and chose three years ago.

holidays, take 1

and so we sit on the eve of another holiday. another extended absence.

tonight is also the two year ?anniversary? (not that it's a happy event) of him finding her phone. that night certainly ranks as one of those "best of times/worst of times" events.

it was a great night initially. she called me about midnight and we talked for over three hours. at that point, we'd already begun losing saturdays and tuesdays, so having a leisurely, extended conversation, especially a completely unexpected one, was a real treat. the conversation was light, easy, fun; we were -us-.

then about 315 she said "oh shit, gotta go". that was the last i heard from her until the next morning. i got a voicemail from her that said "(sigh) bf found the phone...". wow. i knew immediately that a) she'd had a terrible night and b) everything had just changed.

g-d did it ever.

she's closing the office early today. (shit, why didn't i think of that? i hate being caught unawares, especially when it means less of her). and then she's gone for almost five days.

she'll have five days. with no distractions.

they'll have five undisturbed days together.

i wonder where she'll be when she gets back..

too much time

for once, we have too much time. too much time ahead of us where we'll be out of touch. and it couldn't have come at a worse time - one day away from a 4 day weekend, then she's out almost all of the last half of december.

how is it that we can get off track then both continue to misunderstand the other, leading us farther off the path?

for three years i've tried to win her heart.

now i'm just trying to get her attention.

punched in the gut.

blindsided - me.

gone - her.

hurting - both of us?

we're both seeing our own interpretation of reality. i'm sure that neither of us has it quite right. but she's convinced enough that she's right that she's ready, willing and (apparently) able to kill our relationship.

just like all the relationships in my life have done nothing to prepare me for her, nothing in my life has prepared me to act appropriately either. just as our relationship is so different from anything experienced before, or expected for that matter, so too the ?normal? patterns/issues/responses learned in other relationships just don't hold true in this relationship.

instead of being tentative, as i normally would in situations, i should have been myself, should have acted like that man she grew to know and love. instead i reacted to her, in times of conflict/stress, in a conventional way, not trusting the relationship and her and my own gut knowledge of how we were. and conventional, "normal" reactions are not/were not appropriate for this relationship, itself far beyond normal or conventional.

instead of fearing her negative reaction and being tentative, i should have treated her with confidence and trust and security that -this- relationship, that -we- would be able handle any situations that might come along.

instead of backing off when i felt i was doing something wrong (ie, "cheating" on her, even though with her encouragement and support) and giving her space because that's what would be needed in a conventional relationship, i should have embraced her, trusted her, made her a part of it.

so ironically, in my determined efforts to protect the most important relationship in my life from the ill effects of the particular difficulties that are (and have been, from the beginning) a part of this relationship, i only pushed her to think that our relationship had changed.

my fears brought about the very thing i feared the most.

another example of how the universe plays cruel jokes. my fear of damaging the relationship did so, yet my love, all the love that i could give her couldn't bring her to me.

oh, uh, nevermind

monday mornings. finally, the weekend is over. she'll be back into work soon. my world can start again. get a few things done before she gets into work. knowing that as i do, she'll be finishing getting ready and then driving to work.

a couple of quick "hi's" on chat, then a phone call.

and then this chat:

her
me

think i need some time away
from? me? work? life?
yes
sorry
i can only help with one of those
yeah, but it's a start

do you have any idea when you'll be back? or even if?
maybe after the first of the year. i don't know.
omg
yeah. whatever. ya know? you'll have plenty going on.

"whatever", she says. after three years i still have a hard time getting through weekends without her. now she thinks that six weeks will be easy? and six weeks is just the minimum. she may decide never to come back. and then what?

this fake chat bullshit is getting old.
and i don't need it

"fake chat bullshit". she's always hated anything resembling fake, anything not real. now she characterizes our chat as "fake chat bullshit".

i can't afford to need you anymore.

do you think of me and get any good thoughts/feelings anymore?
i don't see it as "fake silent chat" at all... but me not imposing on you .
ALL THE TIME
i think of and about you ALL THE TIME.
not me. i have to block you from my mind because of the thoughts that come along with it, and how you've/we've changed.

how can this have happened? i need her more than ever. i hold on to her, and us, and hope for a future we can share more than ever. and now, thoughts of me only bring her pain.

why stay???
are you serious?
yeah. what do i get other than pain and loss and watching you move on?

pain and loss and watching [her] move on. things i'm intimately familiar with. years of pain as she held back, pain everyday as she went home to him.

too bad you didn't listen to what i had to say. too bad i didn't listen to myself a long time ago.
anyhow, bye

and with that, she's gone.

and again

another friday, another weekend. more days, lost days, without her.

more days lost forever. more time we'll never have and never be able to get back.

and zero chance of talking.

so today, again, i have to act like everything's okay, like it's no big deal that she's going off into her life and i'm going off into mine.

it's not okay. it's not okay on SO MANY LEVELS.

it sucks. sucks sucks sucks.

but i have to send her off to her life with him with a smile even as my heart collapses.

just another day? hardly...

she sounds good today; strong, in control, even ?purposeful? or maybe like she's found her direction.

and, somehow, detached.

don't get me wrong, our talks (the little we've had because of shit going on at work) have been good. i'm definitely the weak link in this relationship today - i'm just completely, completely overwhelmed. everything, and i mean everything seems to be going to shit. all at once.

when we talked at lunch, i'd just finished some hot bug fixes and was coming down off a six hour adrenalin high. as that artificial energy subsided and my brain cleared enough to finally let something else in, i could feel myself ---- falling. down, down, down.

all the shit happening now. finishing up a high pressure 3 weeks at work. still in the middle of a fucked up move. so much stuff left undone in my personal life.

and her. her voice is calm, warm, as inviting and ?reassuring? as it's ever been. she's there for me, supportive, helpful. but behind her voice, i'm aware of her detachment, her hurt, aware of her repositioning herself in her life. and the terrible, terrible echo of yesterdays revelation to me: we're at different levels, different places now. and we'll never be in the same place again.

yet, if feels so good, so natural to feel her support, her comforting presence.

and it feels so utterly hopeless to remember what she said:

we'll never be in the same place again

this is certainly not my first day without her; more like the 1,209th day without her. those days were bearable because i thought there was still a chance for us to be together. what the fuck do i do about the 11,000 days to come? i've barely made it through 12% of the amount of time i'll have known her in my life.

fuck.

is it really to much to ask to at least be able to meet, see, hold & kiss "the one" that g-d put here for me just before i die?

lost and directionless

it's overwhelmingly difficult. she's so hurt, so lost, so... alone? and she won't help herself (other than by shutting down) and she won't let me help.

so we go through the day hurting and alone. we're both craving the same thing but neither of us can get there. me, because she needs to initiate the changes and she's unable to do that. until she starts things in motion, -we- can't go anywhere. she's unable to summon the strength or the willpower to make the changes that she needs and (i'm pretty sure) wants to make.

she's scared to leave him. he's the only real adult life and relationship she's ever known and leaving it and him -has- to be a scary proposition. i'd hope that the promise of a much better relationship (we both think it would be better) would be enough to motivate her to summon the courage and the strength to make the change, but it doesn't seem to be motivating her. at least, it's not motivation -enough- to prompt her to take action.

so instead we stay here, in a place where neither of us is happy, where neither of us will -ever- be happy, living lives we don't really want because she can't leave him and i can't have her until she does. because she can't bring herself to make the move and because i've been in ?suspended animation? for so long, she's encouraged me to get out, to find a date, a friend or friend with benefits or a fuck buddy. until i ran across the now-single woman who was a former 3-some pal. that one was the -one- woman B couldn't handle. all because of an unfortunate comment i made when i first met her.

so now the knowledge of my evening and weekend activities (or at least, as B imagines it to be) is more than she can handle. so she shuts down, pushes me and -us- away from her. verbally jabs at me. purposely holds herself back, not letting herself become a part of the -us- that we've been for so long.

and everytime she proclaims the helplessness of our situation or tells me how she'll never forget these last months as the worst of her life, or tells me how the part of her that i know (and that no one else does) is shutting down, dying, never to be renewed, i feel complete and utter helplessness in my heart. how can she say those things? how can she POSSIBLY think that anything i do now, anything i do while waiting for her, could come between us? i understand that it hurts and that it's hard to watch someone you love go to be with another person (i know what that's like - i've watched her leave me and go home to her bf every night for over three years). but when she says things like that it makes me feel sure that despite telling me repeatedly that if/when she was free that she'd seek me out no matter what, i don't feel that assuredness anymore.

i'm afraid. i'm afraid of the very things i've been afraid would happen. she's retreating, choosing to take the easier, non-emotional route, choosing to avoid having to deal with the pain (and joy) of real emotions and instead just shutting down, sublimating herself and her feelings rather than rock the boat and hurt his feelings, rather than have to deal with the conflict and the difficult times that breaking up with him would cause.

so instead we both suffer. no, we all three suffer. he's not happy - he constantly accuses her of cheating on him, saying he'll catch her. she's under constant suspicion, under terrible internal stress and confusion. she's unhappy in a relationship she can't find the strength to leave. and i'm unhappy because of all the above, because she's unhappy and hurting, and yes, because she and i aren't sharing the life we're meant to share. he'll live an essentially loveless, grey life with someone who doesn't really want to be with him. she'll live an empty, hollow existence falling deeper and deeper into despair and disconnectedness. and i'll carry an empty spot in my heart and in my life until i finally settle for a "consolation life".

there has to be a better way.

as nickleback said, in yet another song, "..this life hasn't turned out quite the way i want...".

the unbearable lightness of being (alone)

this is the first time i've really felt it in a long time.

after a not-so-great day, she told me, about 15 minutes ahead of time, that she was gonna leave early (fine, 5, so "on time") so she could get some pc stuff done at home. two minutes on the phone and bam! gone.

then i made another trip moving crap from old place to new place. not only did the movers not show up and i wound up having to move it all myself, but the new landlady might be ... an issue.

good night at poker though. it's fun and i think my playing's getting better. but no way to share my fun with b. go home alone.

early up for the dentist. two hours in the chair. sent b several messages after the time she got in. no response. not even a hi.

and .... the reason she had to leave early, the pc work? didn't get to it. maybe tonight. wonder if that means she'll be leaving early again?

this feeling of loneliness really started descending on me at the dentist. every minute that passed was accentuated by knowing that not only was she not there, not willing to share daily life with me, but not even there, period.

it's only time.. no biggie

friday's have always been a mixed day for us. for a long time, friday afternoons meant an extended time together, often 2+ hours and often sex or at least much intimacy. and fridays always meant that saturday (when we had saturday mornings) was just around the corner.


it was also bittersweet because after we lost saturdays, it was the kickoff to two and a half days apart.

and now?

she needs to put distance between us before the weekend. and i still need (have always needed) to pull her closer.

she wins. as usual.

she doesn't usually take lunch on fridays either because of her leaving early. so often, i don't either and i eat after she's left for the day, so as to maximize the time we have to talk. "go" she says, "it's only fifteen minutes". to me, it's 15 minutes that we won't even have the -opportunity- to talk.

"it's only 15 minutes" she says. on the same day she tells me she's leaving early.

to go home. to bf.

fuck fuck fuck

it's like going from the top of mt. everest to the bottom of the marianas trench in less than 5 minutes.

the day started great because she called early. we chatted and had good conversation. i asked her hard questions, questions i've long wanted to know the true answers to.

i couldn't have asked for more. all the answers were exactly what i wanted to hear, what i'd always hoped her answers were. from those answers, all roads seem(ed) to point to an -us-. except i did what a) she asked me not to do and b) what i said i wouldn't do, which was to send those questions and answers to her in an email. i don't know why, looking back. i remember thinking that maybe if those particular questions and her answers were all in one place, they'd be a coherent, complete thought and maybe she hadn't considered them all together before.

do you love me (as in -in- love with me)? do you want to be together? can you see us together? could you be happy as an -us-? do you love him more than me? the answers i'd hoped for were there and all positive. welcome to the summit of mt everest. then we had to take a break and i wanted to ask other questions, including a biggie: will you leave him and be with me? but i never got to ask that, because of that fucking email i sent.

and it poisoned the rest of the day. she pulled back. she was more distant, less personal. she didn't make time to talk until just a few minutes before she had to go. then when we're on the phone and she says to hold on so she can take another call, she hangs up on me. twice. then lastly, she calls back and says "i gotta go. bye."

welcome to the marianas trench.

will i never fucking learn?

silly me

ya know how sometimes you do something with the best of intentions, and it turns out wrong? or you think there was something special about an event and you go to talk about it and it turns out you saw it differently than everyone else, and you were waaaay off base?

and so it is, again.

such nice, meaningful thoughts i had about our conversation yesterday afternoon. it was so good that i was able to look at how we'd been during that (i thought) rather personal conversation, see where i could have been better and more importantly, to look at my behavior in general and at how other conversations have gone -not- so well, and understand where i've been wrong and how i can be better in the future. better for her, better for us and just better in general.

time spent last night pondering these topics, good feelings from feeling that i'd understood something i hadn't understood before, something that's affected us many times. going to bed feeling like it'd been a good day overall - not only had we had a conversation about something very personal to her, but our interaction, the -tone- of our interaction, had been good. waking this morning and remembering it all. feeling good about her and us and waiting for her to get in so we could talk.

she didn't even remember the conversation.

then i asked her if she wanted to talk for a few minutes before we got started on our days. seh said she thought she'd just get right to work "cuz we already got all the basic questions out of the way".

ah. i see.

two sides to every coin

it's pretty much official: i'm an asshole.

i'm always complaining about the state of my life, bemoaning the fact that B won't have me, whining that it's so much harder for me because she has the life she wants and i don't.

all is not goodness and light in her life either. i'm sure, have been for some time, that she doesn't tell me everything that goes on. she certainly doesn't relate to me the conflict and stress that's present in her life. she does tell me, but mostly the highlights, not the details, and she seldom talks about how it really affects her.

it doesn't change the reality of my day to day existence, doesn't make her absence in my life any easier to bear, but it does shame me for being so self-centered. i have to stop ?trying? to make her feel bad because i feel bad - when she has her own share of sadness and hurt to deal with.

maybe if i could put all my hurts aside it'd let us start being the friends we really are. even if she never wants to be more than friends, it'll be so much better, -we'll- be so much better when i let us be us and stop trying to make her feel my hurts.

lyrics in life

yet again, i'm borrowing lyrics (from Nickelback, Savin' Me) because they talk to me, they -fit- in my life and what i want to say to B.

My comments/additions in italics

All I need is you
how many times have i told you this? and still you don't believe me
Come please I'm callin'

Show me what it's like to be the one you love
To be the last one standing if only we could stand together
And teach me wrong from right without you is wrong, with you, right
And I'll show you what I can be if only you'd let me love you
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
how many times have i told you i'd leave everything behind to be with you?
Say it if it's worth saving me is it baby? is that future worth the cost?


And all I see is you you're all around me, everywhere
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story i know this feeling of desperation
And oh I scream for you
have you ever heard me baby? have you heard the fear and loneliness in my voice?
have you felt my desperation?
Come please I'm callin' please... please
And all I need from you is for you to tell me you love me
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me is it baby?
can you see enough good in -our- future, enough of what could be, to be worth your time, your heart, your life?
baby, if it's worth it, please, i beg you, tell me, save me, join me, love me.

Say it if it's worth saving me
so far... it's not

the times they are a'changin...

i was thinking back to our golden days. (i wonder if those'll ever return?). before we got our first phones, she'd call me as soon as she got into the office. then we got the phones. she didn't call when she got in, but that was fine because we'd talk all during her commute. then we lost those phones. and ever since, even after we got the new phones, it's different.

we don't get to talk during her commute because she won't take the phone home. so she calls me when she gets into the office. well, sometime after she gets in. it's never right away anymore. it's after good mornings, after chit-chat, after putting out fires, whenever she gets a minute. it could be 30 minutes, it could be two hours.

now, she doesn't even want to talk in the morning. maybe lunch time.

great, huh? i'm so happy i've managed to help build this relationship into something so important.

dark days

These are uncertain, scary times.

i don't know where her head is or where her heart is. the easy answer would be that her heart is at home with bf. i'm still not sure that's completely accurate.

meanwhile, we go through the day ?tentatively?. we have less contact and less interaction than ever. i hear hurt in her voice and see it in her words. i feel the hurt, mine and hers, in my heart.

and yet, it's her choice that we're here. she says she can't move. can't or won't? she's scared to move, to change everything that is the life she's built with him. she wants change. she just doesn't want the change more than she fears the loss of him.

and as of today, she's more invested in their life together than ever, less interested than ever in a life with me, and putting more distance between us.

not a great prognosis.