well crap

ya now, i actually believed she'd see me this trip. i'm not sure why. when she brought up the possibility, i knew better than to let hope get the better of me.

why would i think -this- trip would be different?

well then...

well. -that- didn't go so well.

instead of having a nice day today, which she wanted, i've managed to piss her off, push her away and make her go away.

at least i'm consistent. seems like i always do this whenever going to be close to her happens.

i wonder if i do it to make it easier on her and i? maybe by pissing her off and pushing her away, i don't have to fret, wonder and hope about whether or not she'll meet me - because i've guaranteed that she won't want to.

or maybe i do it for her sake - so she doesn't have to make a decision, doesn't have to ponder whether or not she should do this (which would ultimately make her even more unhappy because of guilt); the answer's a resounding "NO", "NO", and "Hell NO!".

maybe i want to sabotage the chances of a meeting so i don't have to (so neither of us has to) be disappointed by the reality of me.

or maybe i'm just a jerk.

whatever it is, it assures that she stays there. and that i stay alone.

in case i happened to forget

as if i could ever forget that her indulgence of me is at her pleasure and subject to his whims and the demands of -their- life together.

she gets mad at me because i "pushed" something on her to do and her life and preparing for the upcoming holiday takes up all her time and then she doesn't finish doing that something. and i'm to blame.

and i get to put myself near her, dangerously, deliriously close to her. close enough to feel her presence. and wait. and wait. and wait.

until the "no" comes.

and after this no comes, four days of complete silence. a holiday weekend for her and him.

solitary for me. plenty of time to reflect, examine, try to understand.

try to accept.

throwin' away the time

Reelin' in the years, throwin' away the time...

several things (well, a couple anyway) of things seem to be hovering around, circling, waiting for the opportunity to inflict the most possible impact on me.

i'm leaving tomorrow on one of things that you only ever get to do once, no matter how many times you do it - i'm taking my daughter to college. how is this possible? it seems like it was just a couple of weeks ago that i stood, tears in my eyes, as she walked into her first day of preschool. how did we get -here-, so quickly? new teeth, her first sleep over, youth groups, school trips, class president, first date, prom, graduation - how did these things fly by so fast?

then there's her mothers' disappointment in me, in how i defaulted on the life i'd promised her.

then there's that city; B's city. i have to fly in and out of there. after my previous disasterous trips there, i told myself i'd always keep the airport between me and her, keep my distance from her so she can relax, so it doesn't feel as though i'm invading her space.

and then there's B. the possibility of a meeting. is it possible? sure, anything's possible. is it likely?

so all these things are circling around me, have been for a week or so. how can you maintain any semblance of sanity with all these things over your head? i can't look forward; who could? who could see the endings and the beginnings swirling around the same point in time and not go insane?

so instead of facing the challenges i've put in front of myself head on, like a man taking responsibility for his life, i withdraw and shrink in front of the beast.

but i can't face opening my hand and letting my daughter go away - she already hates me and once she's gone from the house, she isn't required to face me anymore, or to even tolerate me in her life.

nor can i take another declined meeting by B. i can't make myself walk headlong into the disappointment and the hurt, the rejection, yet again. i swallow the rejection everyday when she chooses him over me again and again. in a way that's an ?easier? rejection because it's been repeated over a thousand times, but also because it's "soft" - that is, there's no firm possibilities as far as what it could be, where, how and when. but for times when i'm going to be close to her it's different. there -is- a where and a when and knowledge of what it could be like. i don't have the strength, the wherewithal to walk headlong into that loss again.

so, in keeping with my classic style of avoidance, i don't allow myself to think about those things. nor do i allow myself any joy for the things that should be joyful, for to open yourself up to joy is to also allow the pain and the hurt in. and right now it'd be too overwhelming. so i'll "back into" the trip, make the trip while walking backwards, looking backwards, observing the things i see passing behind me. that way, maybe i won't have to face the really painful things until they've passed and are fading into yesterday.

and wave good bye to my daughter as she walks away from me, into her future.

and wave good bye to my future, my love, my B, as she turns back to her future.

that familiar feeling

that familiar feeling is back. not completely, but i sense it on the horizon. already its starting to fill the air with comfort and familiarity.

i'm still not used to her having to abruptly go within 2 or 3 seconds, like last night, but i probably never will. i'm kinda "the other man" but without the benefit of actually getting to hold her. (but i do get her mind...)

the point is, it already feels different, better.

maybe i won't have her in my arms, but i'll have her in my head.

reaching out

she's there and she's reaching for me, offering me her hand. she's offering, and asking for, support.

it's not too late. i feared it was.

the email she wrote me was read and reread until i could almost recite it by memory. a simple paragraph that said more, contained more feeling, more hope, more fear, more promise than anything we've said to each other for some time.

the last line was: do you think we can do it?

yes baby, i do.

with all my heart, i do.

the new world?

she hates being late to work, even though she works more and harder than her partners or her employees.

she hates being away from work, even for business, even moreso for personal reasons. she's been gone four days, two of which were business days.

she txt'd me this morning and said she was tired, would be in to the office around noon and call me then.

something's changed, but what is it? or has it? to come in late after being away seems - out of character. but what's it mean, if anything? do i construct a world where she's so refreshed and renewed after time away with him that they want to hole up together for awhile before heading out back into the world as a team? or maybe she had terrible weather yesterday and her (their) flight was delayed time and again and she didn't get in till very late and she's just really tired. maybe she dreads dealing with me because of the mental illness that makes me write this stuff. maybe they're going for blood tests. maybe she just wants a few hours of quiet time before having to deal with me again.

maybe all the above. maybe she's just tired.

maybe i need professional help.

mind over matter

i should take her cue - it's all "mind over matter". if you don't mind, it don't matter.

problem is, i mind. greatly.

i mind that she's gone. i mind that the minutes tick by so slowly, making it a small eternity until i find out what happens today. i mind that she's pefectly okay with trading love and intimacy and promise for money and routine and habit. i mind that i no longer have a goal for my heart to work toward. i mind that the promise that the future once held is gone. i mind that she doesn't have as much time anymore.

but, as i've been told, i have no control. period. i'm like the kid in the car seat - i can turn the wheel and beep the horn but it has no effect on where i'm going. just because -i- mind doesn't mean it matters.

(fat, dumb and ) Happy Days

in the three weeks since she's been gone (since last thursday) i've begun to wonder: what was it like before B? what was my day? what filled it, or was it as empty as i imagine it must have been?

those days must have been my "fat, dumb and happy" days. okay, fine, i'm still fat. i was dumb by virtue of not having met her yet, and because of that, didn't yet know what it felt like to connect with someone as completely and deeply as we connected. and i guess i was happy (in a relative sort of way) because i hadn't yet learned the terrible truth that having discovered such a thing, we wouldn't get the chance to take that connection into the physical world, that we'd not get the chance to really explore and discover what it could be, how much more it could grow.

so now i'm fat, smart and sad. fat - well, nuff said. smart - because i've learned so much about myself, and another person and seen glimpses of what a relationship could really be. sad - because after having discovered that, and discovered her, and then having to learn that a group of lesser things far outweigh the value and possibilities of that relationship.

while i don't particularly agree with the sentiment, i'm reminded of a song lyric from Bob Seger:

"...wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then...".

freedom vs imprisonment

will it always be this way?

i wake up and immediately i'm aware of where she is, who she's with and why.

i'm away on my own trip, visiting a friend.

how is it possible that our trips could be -so- different? she has had a couple of days of (mostly leisure) before a few hours of work today and probably a killer day tomorrow. i've had nothing but leisure since my trip started. so why have i done nothing? and why am i sure (other than from knowledge of her previous trips to the same place) that she's been out late, clubbing, shopping, sleeping late, enjoying each other?

life is so strange. i'm -completely- free. within normal and reasonable constraints, i can see anyone i want. i can do anything i want. i have almost no responsibilities, no home to tend to, no pets to take care of. she has a love partner, a life partner, a home, a boat, a business, a pet. so why then is she free to enjoy and go out and have fun and enjoy life with her chosen partner (especially given that she says her relationship is -not- one of love and committment). why is she able to love him, go out, enjoy, have fun in a carefree way. shouldn't it be me doing that? she's built a life that requires her presence and her attention, yet she's free to love and live. my life barely requires that i even be present, yet i'm held captive in a prison of love.

a line from a Dixie Chicks song:

"...longing for the freedom of my chains..."

she's tied down, yet free to be and do and enjoy as she chooses. i'm completely free, yet living in my own private hell of a prison.

she'll never leave him. so while it appears to me that she's living under strict confinement, she is in fact free to do what she wants. she'll never see me. so while it appears that i'm living under total freedom, i'll never be free to love the one i want.

well, that's not quite accurate. i'm free to love her. but not to have her love in return.

bf wins again: more of her time, more of her mind

fuck. i can't do this.

her change of plans means so little to her, so much to me.

instead of spending a little time with her, in front of her, she's gone.

for her, a weekend of travel, companionship, fun, new stuff, then some work. i'm going away for the weekend too. but i'd hoped to spend some time with her, get a dose of her before going. instead, my little bit of her got ripped out and given to him. and he doesn't even know it.

and sometime tuesday morning something in her office will remind her and she'll call.

only 93 hours. 93 hours empty. waiting.

and the two short hours i might have had with her today now belong to him.

his life. his woman. his partner. his future.
her life. her man. her partner. her future.

he's already had her for eight years. he'll have her for 20 or 30 or 50 more. why can't i keep my little bit of time?

why does -he- get her, her love, her company, her time, her mind, her heart, her life?

because she's there, because -they- are the couple. because it's her choice.

building history

i needed to be prepared because i expected her sunday-monday business trip to extend through next weekend, combining it with the trip she'd promised him. she got furious with me for thinking that she might do so when she told me she wouldn't. today she tells me that she is changing her trip after all. she's leaving today, planning on coming back monday evening.

and he -is- going, after all.

i don't care about the itinerary change.

so why does that one other simple change make me so completely lost, helpless, empty, sad, hurt, hopeless?

she'd have spent the weekend with him anyway. what's the difference if it's on travel instead?

other than the novelty of being away. a new bed. new places to go, together. things to do, together.

truthfully, i'm only losing out on maybe two hours of talk time, at most.

so why am i so completely empty?

one of her reasons for staying is that "she's already there, already in that life, we have history". and every new experience, especially those out of the ordinary, like traveling together, is one, six, fourteen more shared experiences they have. more reasons to stay. more history she can't give up.

another nail in the coffin of my hope for a future of "us".

at the same time, another bonding experience, another shared fun time for her to settle back into a life with him.

the life she already has.

but of course

today took longer than 45 minutes, but i managed to piss her off pretty good.

we were talking on the phone and her cell rang; her car dealer service person. she said she had to take it and hung up. i im'd her a comment about being less important than her car dealer.

she chastised me in an abrupt voicemail then told me she was busy in IM, too busy to talk.

in a way i don't blame her. she is number one, top priority on the priority list of everyone in her life that she cares about. -Him-, her family and me. she has no idea what it's like to have to wait for an audience with someone. all her experience is that when she speaks, they listen. when she wants them, they're available.

it's something that i just need to accept. every single interruption -is- more important than me because all those interruptions are in her real, physical world. as far as i go, i'm ALWAYS here or reachable if she wants me. always. even when she was okay with calling me on the weekends, it was very seldom that she wasn't able to reach me. so every single thing in her real world, the fedex guy, the pizza guy, the guy selling cheap art door to door, the cleaning lady and of course -him- are all immediate and (more importantly) -real- things in her real world and really should be dealt with as they happen. me? i can be reached at any time.

momma's advice to daughters

"Momma's, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys". (What, there can't be -girl- cowboys?)

"Wear clean underwear."

"Brush your teeth."

"Money will get you through times of no love better than love will get you through times of no money". (okay, i made that one up. and i don't believe it, btw).

and my favorite:
"It's just as easy to love a rich boy as a poor boy".


I'll admit, i've told that last one to my own daughter.

Who'd have thought it would also affect my own life?

consistency is key

it's good to be consistent, right?

B and i had a good talk yesterday about various things. while it was a "heavy" conversation it wasn't about us, so it wasn't "bad" per se. she gave me things to think about overnight, and i was looking forward to revisiting the topic(s) again.

which is where consistency comes in.

this morning it only took 45 minutes for me to completely piss her off.

because i have to remind myself that she's part of a committed couple. of which i am not a member.

great

it's possible, but can -i- do it?

ok. we know it's possible, because -she- can do it. but what about us mere mortals?

laying in bed, watching the fan spin, spin, spin. her visage all around. not just her face, but all that is her - her voice, images of her working, or with him, or surrounded by a group of guys, or jet skiing, or displayed on my desk (a fantasy from long ago). the whole spectrum of emotions runs through me.

i want her. for friend, lover, partner. she wants me as a friend, perhaps some day even as a lover. she can enjoy all the things that our relationship can bring, up to the point of interfering with her life. all those things, or at least the majority of the whole of each, the emotions, the feelings, the intimacy, the closeness, the fun, can be enjoyed without moving into the real world. she's able to simply say "no" to anything that requires a presence in the physical world. since the vast majority of those things that draw us close and make us feel good can and do exist -without- moving into the real world, why can't -I- make myself enjoy them the same way?

we've been through interesting times.

when we were at our best the passion and connection and intimacy that we created was with me (us?) all the time, day, night, weekend. i never ?fretted/wondered/worried? about the future, because there was -no- question in my mind that eventually (and frankly, sooner rather than later) we'd be together. the single largest cause behind the problems she and i have had over the last year and a half has been ?grief/pain? that always surfaces when i realize that it's not gonna happen: she's not going to open up to me, she's not going to see me, we are not going to be together. period.

so, i'm watching the fan go around and around and around. and there it is: what if i just don't allow myself to think about the future? what if i FORCE myself to only allow the future to be the next minute or hour or day or until we talk again? what if i CUT OFF any thoughts beyond the immediate, the here and now? i know i won't be able to do it all the time, but what if i could keep my grief private, let it affect only -me-, and only on the weekends, or at least not when she's available to me? what if i could believe that she loved me, that she wanted me, that i really was the man she wanted, at least during the day or during the time she's available?

what if i treat us as though today is just another day on the path of days that will take us to where i wish we were going to wind up? how much better would we be? how much stress and hurt could i remove from her life?

there is a danger of course, and that is that i may again start thinking that the future is going to be as i want it to be. if that happens, then it'll start damaging us again, as it has. "Our" future will exist during the day, during whatever time we can share. She's chosen her future and it exists ?beyond? me.

i need to be/think like i have short-term amnesia, but in reverse. instead of not remembering things in the past, i have to not think of what could be in the future, just "be" with her as though the future were going to be the future i want. anything beyond that needs to be quashed. any thoughts of what to do next or what the next step of our relationship will be or can we meet this week or how can we go away together have to be averted, stopped before they take shape.

the main question is: do i have the strength to control my thoughts, wishes, hope?

good start. no finish.

i was bound and determined to make it. That is, to make the weekend, or at least -one- day a day worthy of being part of a -life-.

it started out good, too. sleep late. clean up. got motivated to go shopping for things i've needed for a very long time. i bought pillows, pillow cases, a couple of belts, some socks, some t-shirts, even some new towels. (BTW, bath sheets - yum! a towel big enough for my fat ass...).

got out, got shopping (something i normally hate to do), got what i went for, got tired, went home. even when i was tired of shopping, it felt -good-. i actually did something that i've needed to do.

i can do this, i thought. i can live without her. see? i'm up, i'm out, i'm doing those things that people who have a life do. not such a big deal... what's been holding me up?

a good start, but no finish.

got tired, headed home. haul my loot inside. unpack, untag, put the linens and towels in for a wash. grab a drink. relax. think how nice it was to be out last night at the same time as her, doing the same thing as her (playing pool) and enjoying private thoughts of her. thoughts of her out with her lover and partner, enjoying the things that lovers do together. wondering what she did with him during the day. what she would do with him during the night. and the next day. and the next night. and every other night for the rest of her life. with him. as i sit and wonder about her. wonder if she thinks of what could have been. had she wanted.

and sink back into my dark hole.

there's no winnning

another weekend passed.

another weekend lost. more days that will always be looked back on as "without her".





i asked her three times how her weekend was. each time i tried to ask exactly what i wanted to know, but couldn't. i tried to formulate the question, but couldn't. how much i want to know her thoughts, her feelings, her reactions, the changes in her heart and feelings these days, but ... i feel like i'm not "authorized", like i have no right to know, no right to intrude on her private life, and how much more private a thing is there than how your weekend was with your lover and partner?

it's very strange and very, very disconcerting to feel this dichotomy of emotions. it starts from a neutral place, even from a feel-good-about-the-possibility viewpoint, hoping that she had a good weekend with her partner, hoping that they connected, got along, shared all they share. hoping, even as the words come out, that she had a good weekend, that she enjoyed life, him, their life. knowing, even as the sounds fade from my ears that the better her weekend, even the better i hope it was, the worse for me.

whether a so-so weekend for her or a life-changing weekend of love and rediscovery and recommitment to her chosen, it's a lessening of my life and my hopes. if she had a so-so weekend, then it's painful because she's -not- living fully and at the same time -not- with me. and if a great, life-changing, love-reaffirming weekend, well, that effect is obvious too.

self-clarification

she said something this morning that i need to forget, need to ?clarify? for myself (if not for her), lest it become something it was never intended.

it would be very easy for me to grasp onto this as a thread of hope, as something to hope for, wish for, wait for. but it's not. and how crappy would it be for me to hope, wish and wait for such a thing to happen.

she said "...[most likely]... he'd leave me...".

it'll never happen B. never. he loves her. he's stayed with her through everything that's happened. he still wants to marry her, still wants her to bear their children. he is as in love with her as ever. he loves her at least as much as i do (g-d is -that- hard to admit).

there's no way he'd ever leave. never.

good. just saying it helps clarify it in my head, helps me disregard it, accept it as a non-possibility, a never-happen event.

she'll stay. he'll stay.

i won't interfere any more.

can she forgive?

those that do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

i forgot it. and have been repeating it. and hurting her and wasting our precious time for over a year.

last night i found an email that i wrote B a little over a year ago.

how do i apologize to her for all the angst and frustration and hurt and pain i've caused her over the past year? and all for no good reason, other than ... ?selfishness?

i'd written her a long email. when i read and reread it, it struck me that it sounded exactly like an email i might have written her last night. and it struck me - a year. i've been in the same place for over a year. she's been in the same place for over a year.

that email was almost exactly the same email i would have written her last night. a year ago she didn't want the relationship that i wanted. she doesn't want it any more now. she's told me that very clearly. guess i just wasn't listening - that's how much -i- wanted that relationship, that's how much i believed (or wanted to believe) that -she- wanted it too.

so for another year, i've tried to steal her heart, sway her opinion, convince her that she didn't belong there, that she belongs with me. a year spent trying to convince her that it was me she wanted, not him, despite what she was plainly telling me.

a year that i could have been being her friend instead of trying to have her. a year we could have spent being close and fun and friendly and how she and i should be with each other, instead of a year of her pain and frustration.

where would we be today? how much better would we be if i'd been her friend instead of trying to force myself on her as a lover and partner?

is it too late now? have i pushed her so far, caused her to build such thick walls that i'll never be able to reach her again?

i wonder if she can forgive me for being so selfish?

i wonder if she even remembers me as the friend i was/could've been/should've been?

aspire

my B...



would that i were worthy of your heart, my love....



do you know how different our lives could be?

here's a chilling thought

what if, deep inside, she's really waiting for me to draw her out? what if she wants me to want and love her, but she's afraid to say it?

what if she's decided she's finally done there and wants to start (something) with me, but thinks i'm no longer interested so she holds back and doesn't tell me?

i want to think that that's a reasonable situation. it's certainly easier than having to accept that she doesn't want me at all.

but, if i know her at all, and i do believe i do (even though she says, EVEN TODAY!, that i don't know her anymore), then i can't believe that she wouldn't want me to know if she'd changed her mind about me.

bur what if i'm wrong? g-d knows i've been wrong on every other thing i've done to/for/with her lately.

it's wrong. all wrong.

everything i do or say pushes her away. it's as though the very memory or thought of -me- or what was -us- is so completely uncomfortable to her that she recoils from me.

i'm so completely at a loss for what to do.

she doesn't want me to want her as a partner. yet when i try to bury that, she says i'm like a stranger. she says i turn her on and that she can still see us as lovers. yet she tells me how much she doesn't want sex or anything to do with it, or how much i'd -not- like having her as a lover. when i try to pull back my sexual attention from her she says i'm distant.

she doesn't want me to know who she is, even recently said "i have no intention of changing that", yet she considers it ?offensive? (like it should be no big deal) that i bemoan not knowing her.

it's wrong. all wrong. all of it. everything in my world is off kilter.

and i don't know what to do about it.

everytime i reach for her, i bump and push her further away. when i try to put her at ease that the want-her-as-my-partner side is being quieted down, put aside, she takes it as though -i'm- moving away from her.

i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i don't know why she doesn't want me. i don't know what to do to keep her in my life.

i don't know how i could continue if she chose to not be in my life anymore. she is part of my world now, as much as she wants to be, and i'm barely maintaining my sanity.

what if she goes?