I'm no Pulitzer Prize winning writer, that I know. But I can generally get my idea across, whether written or spoken.
So why can't I make myself understood by B? What is it I'm saying or not saying that's interfering with the message? I have to think that I've explained myself clearly. Certainly I've attempted to get the message to her on many occasions, probably too many occasions.
If in fact I'm able to clearly convey a message, then either the message is wrong or the recipient isn't open to the message.
My message is pretty plain I think.
B - I want you in my life. I want to be your friend. I want to be your lover too, but I also want to be your friend. We've been so close before - we can be close again. As far as I'm concerned, we're close right now - we just haven't been letting that surface. We're good together - we talk, we connect, we challenge each other, help each other. If you wanted a committed, exclusive relationship, I'm ready - today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. Just tell me. If you want "us" to continue as we've been, I'm ready for that too. But make no mistake B - I want you, need you in my life and I want to be part of yours. (I admit, I want to be an important part of yours.)
So tell me - is that not clear? Is it too many words? I can make it shorter, sweeter, more succinct: B, I love you and I want you - however you'll have me.
Better?
So if the message is clear and it's being conveyed to her, then there must be something else. If I've clearly made it known what I'm offering (all of me or as much as she'll have) then she must not want what I offer.
She must not want me.
Wow. That same thought has been in and out of my mind for some time now. I've tried to push it away, thinking that I knew in my heart that it wasn't true, wasn't so. Five short words. A lifetime of meaning. A changed lifetime. All that could have been - gone.
She must not want me. (as a partner)
It's incredibly hard to let those words and the meaning of them penetrate my mind. It's hard just to see them arranged on the screen in that order.
She must not want me. (as a lover)
If only I could get the "not" removed, so much would be different.
She must not want me. (as a friend)
Those words are a fork in the road of my life. I'd once said to her that we were at a fork in the road of our lives, seperately and together and that what she chose to do would forever alter both of our lives from that point forward. It would seem it's not that way now.
She must not want me. (in her life)
It would seem that this moment is a fork in the road of only my life. No, not a fork, but a turn. A change in direction. Bridge out. Road closed. No thru street. If those five words are true, then today, this moment doesn't change her life. Only mine.
She must not want me. (at all)
We tell our children "You can be anything you want to be", "You can do anything you set your mind to".
Bullshit. It's all crap. I can't be B's lover. I can't make her let me be her friend. I can't make her want me.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Rejection or ??
Friday night was one of the worst, if not THE worst night I've had in a long time. I don't care who knows but I cried most of the night. I had the most overwhelming feeling of rejection that I've ever felt. I'm not sure I'd ever realized how much rejection can affect you.
It fills every cell in your body. It's actually a physical pain but one that you can't pinpoint - it's everywhere and nowhere. It felt alternately like every cell in my body was going to swell up and burst or shrivel down to nothing. At one point I couldn't catch my breath. I'm not sure I even cared. The pain in your heart of being rejected by someone whom you love so much, who means so much to you is indescribeable and I hope you never, ever have the misfortune to experience it. It is far worse than I can ever explain. And no matter how vivid you may be able to make it out to be in your imagination, it's far, far worse.
There's the physical pain. There's emotional pain. There's mental pain. Unlike "normal" pain experienced by your body, the physical pain of rejection doesn't change, you don't get used to it, don't get acclimated to a certain level or intensity of pain. It's always there, in full force.
The mental pain is bad but not nearly the same. It comes more in the form of self-criticism, derision over things you've done or not done, a laundry list of things you've done that got you to here.
The emotional pain is the worst though. It grabs you in that place inside we think of as our heart and just squeezes, clamps down on it, crushing your emotions. It overflows what you can bear inside and manifests itself physically as an incredible tightness in your chest. Your heart races and you feel like you can't breathe. It might seem like that'd be punishment enough but there's so much more.
I kind of picture "self" as the image of myself that resides inside my body, just below skin level, as though the physical self were just a covering over the real self. It's your mental insides, this emotional self, that suffers the most. It feels as though you're on fire, that your skin is being ripped away, that you're being crushed under tremendous weight all at once. It comes in waves, crashing over you. You get smashed, crushed, injected with anguish and just as it starts to recede just the tiniest bit, it happens all over again. And again. And again.
It's like waves and the tide. The waves of pain and recrimination and hurt and anguish and loss just keep coming. Crash - another, then just a slight bit of respite and then crash, another. All along, the tide keeps coming in, raising the baseline of pain ever higher. Higher. Higher. Until finally you're just completely submerged and drowning. Struggling for air, needing desperately to have just a few seconds of breath but unable to get above the surface of despair for even a second, and all the while still feeling the waves pounding on top of you.
At the height of pain, at the depths of despair, your mental processes break down. Coherent, reasonable, linear thought becomes impossible. Your entire sphere of consciousness consists of images of, in my case, her. Memories of the sound of her voice. Written words that have gone between us, fragments of emails whirling through your head. Pictures. Memories of daydreams of her, fantasies of what could have been. Recriminations for things you've done wrong. Her face smiling, now lost to you. Her face crying, looming impossibly large in front of you, the pain you've caused her amplified and burning through you. The sound of her tears, so quiet in real life, thundering over and over in your head. When you reach this point, there is no thought. There's only loss and pain and sorrow. Disbelief that you could be there.
When you can take no more, if you're lucky, sleep comes. Fitful sleep. Fifteen minutes maybe, or an hour and then it's all on you again. You wake tired and emotionally exhausted. Numb.
Just as with real physical pain, the memory of the pain stays with you but the intensity of it, the experience of it fades. But it never leaves.
And now it's Monday morning and we've talked. And she's far away and distant and closed off. She sounds so tired, so beaten. Resigned perhaps.
And while she doesn't say the words, I think I hear in her voice that this is ending. I tell her that it doesn't need to, that this relationship can survive. But I don't think she hears me. Maybe she doesn't want to hear me.
And so I cry again.
I'd finished the weekend thinking positively of her again. Last week I placed an ad in a newspaper - small, short, just for her. A message of hope and support from her friend. I'd pictured her smiling and feeling warm and wanted and loved and liked and cherished as her reaction to my message.
And then we talked. She didn't mention it, nor did I. But I knew from her voice and her distance that even if my message had had -some- positive effect on her it wasn't enough, that in the long run it didn't matter.
And so I cry again.
It fills every cell in your body. It's actually a physical pain but one that you can't pinpoint - it's everywhere and nowhere. It felt alternately like every cell in my body was going to swell up and burst or shrivel down to nothing. At one point I couldn't catch my breath. I'm not sure I even cared. The pain in your heart of being rejected by someone whom you love so much, who means so much to you is indescribeable and I hope you never, ever have the misfortune to experience it. It is far worse than I can ever explain. And no matter how vivid you may be able to make it out to be in your imagination, it's far, far worse.
There's the physical pain. There's emotional pain. There's mental pain. Unlike "normal" pain experienced by your body, the physical pain of rejection doesn't change, you don't get used to it, don't get acclimated to a certain level or intensity of pain. It's always there, in full force.
The mental pain is bad but not nearly the same. It comes more in the form of self-criticism, derision over things you've done or not done, a laundry list of things you've done that got you to here.
The emotional pain is the worst though. It grabs you in that place inside we think of as our heart and just squeezes, clamps down on it, crushing your emotions. It overflows what you can bear inside and manifests itself physically as an incredible tightness in your chest. Your heart races and you feel like you can't breathe. It might seem like that'd be punishment enough but there's so much more.
I kind of picture "self" as the image of myself that resides inside my body, just below skin level, as though the physical self were just a covering over the real self. It's your mental insides, this emotional self, that suffers the most. It feels as though you're on fire, that your skin is being ripped away, that you're being crushed under tremendous weight all at once. It comes in waves, crashing over you. You get smashed, crushed, injected with anguish and just as it starts to recede just the tiniest bit, it happens all over again. And again. And again.
It's like waves and the tide. The waves of pain and recrimination and hurt and anguish and loss just keep coming. Crash - another, then just a slight bit of respite and then crash, another. All along, the tide keeps coming in, raising the baseline of pain ever higher. Higher. Higher. Until finally you're just completely submerged and drowning. Struggling for air, needing desperately to have just a few seconds of breath but unable to get above the surface of despair for even a second, and all the while still feeling the waves pounding on top of you.
At the height of pain, at the depths of despair, your mental processes break down. Coherent, reasonable, linear thought becomes impossible. Your entire sphere of consciousness consists of images of, in my case, her. Memories of the sound of her voice. Written words that have gone between us, fragments of emails whirling through your head. Pictures. Memories of daydreams of her, fantasies of what could have been. Recriminations for things you've done wrong. Her face smiling, now lost to you. Her face crying, looming impossibly large in front of you, the pain you've caused her amplified and burning through you. The sound of her tears, so quiet in real life, thundering over and over in your head. When you reach this point, there is no thought. There's only loss and pain and sorrow. Disbelief that you could be there.
When you can take no more, if you're lucky, sleep comes. Fitful sleep. Fifteen minutes maybe, or an hour and then it's all on you again. You wake tired and emotionally exhausted. Numb.
Just as with real physical pain, the memory of the pain stays with you but the intensity of it, the experience of it fades. But it never leaves.
And now it's Monday morning and we've talked. And she's far away and distant and closed off. She sounds so tired, so beaten. Resigned perhaps.
And while she doesn't say the words, I think I hear in her voice that this is ending. I tell her that it doesn't need to, that this relationship can survive. But I don't think she hears me. Maybe she doesn't want to hear me.
And so I cry again.
I'd finished the weekend thinking positively of her again. Last week I placed an ad in a newspaper - small, short, just for her. A message of hope and support from her friend. I'd pictured her smiling and feeling warm and wanted and loved and liked and cherished as her reaction to my message.
And then we talked. She didn't mention it, nor did I. But I knew from her voice and her distance that even if my message had had -some- positive effect on her it wasn't enough, that in the long run it didn't matter.
And so I cry again.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Waiting for a call
A very good afternoon on the phone with her. I was able to help her, I think, with some technical issues. I knew we had limited time to talk and I really wanted to converse, but I also knew that this was a chance for me to do something concrete for her and that was something I've always begged her to let me do for her.
We did talk about other things. Earlier in the day I did something that I thought would make her smile over the weekend. I really wanted to wait until the last possible moment today to tell her, but I'm such a baby with things like that that I couldn't wait to tell her. So she knows there's something and when and where to look. I hope the anticipation is good, eager, and not filled with dread. It's a simple thing really, but there's limited ways for me to get to her, and I'm hoping this'll make her smile. If so, it'll all be worth it.
Then we talked about something a little sensitive. Not bad stuff, but just ... sensitive. She kinda laughed it off, said I'd done my homework. After we hung up, it occured to me that I'd been stupid - that all the thought and energy I'd put into that thing over the last months and months was stupid - wasted time. After we'd talked about it, after I'd actually said the stuff, it seemed so stupid that I'd have put such energy into it. It had all seemed so logical before - now it just seems stupid. Worse than stupid.
After we hung up, I felt like shit. She said she was leaving right away. I hung around for 30 or 40 minutes, thinking that maybe she'd call. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that there was -something- she wanted to say. But she hadn't said anything and she didn't call, so I left.
Then she called me on her way home. But she wouldn't tell me why, said we'd talk today. I'm sure it has something to do with the stupid/sensitive thing we'd talked about. I tried but couldn't get her to talk about it.
Today we've IM'd, briefly, but she wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't call.
The anticipation is killing me. What does she want to say to me? Good? Bad? Fuck you? Come see me? Why the fuck would you even think about [the stupid thing]?
I should write a book, for men, about women. Not that I know anything that incisive or revelatory (certainly not about women!), and it sure as shit wouldn't be a book of what to do for or with a woman. But I could certainly compile a list of things -not- to do. And I could present a few ideas that guys should use within themselves when dealing with women, especially with one who's very important to them. How about "Think about everything you say or do, before you say or do it, and think about it from HER perspective. Then think about it again, because your perspective is probably wrong." Maybe "No matter how 'right' or 'logical' it may seem from your [male] point of view, it's not how she'll see it. Force yourself to think from a place outside your normal perspective - because that's where she's thinking from." Or "when you think you have something important, say it out loud first, even if you just talk it to a mirror. Things become SO different when they're verbalized."
I really wish I'd have thought of that last one yesterday. As I was fucking saying the words (about the stupid thing) and hearing them in my ears, it was very strange - the words I was hearing did not seem like the words I was saying. What I'd been saying seemed.. I don't know, ?important? but as I heard the words, I only heard them as.. irrelevant. Meaningless. Insulting even. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Yeah, well, translate that into something I'd understand and it becomes "the road to losing the most important woman in your life is paved with all those things you did when you thought you were doing the best you could".
B... where are you?
We did talk about other things. Earlier in the day I did something that I thought would make her smile over the weekend. I really wanted to wait until the last possible moment today to tell her, but I'm such a baby with things like that that I couldn't wait to tell her. So she knows there's something and when and where to look. I hope the anticipation is good, eager, and not filled with dread. It's a simple thing really, but there's limited ways for me to get to her, and I'm hoping this'll make her smile. If so, it'll all be worth it.
Then we talked about something a little sensitive. Not bad stuff, but just ... sensitive. She kinda laughed it off, said I'd done my homework. After we hung up, it occured to me that I'd been stupid - that all the thought and energy I'd put into that thing over the last months and months was stupid - wasted time. After we'd talked about it, after I'd actually said the stuff, it seemed so stupid that I'd have put such energy into it. It had all seemed so logical before - now it just seems stupid. Worse than stupid.
After we hung up, I felt like shit. She said she was leaving right away. I hung around for 30 or 40 minutes, thinking that maybe she'd call. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that there was -something- she wanted to say. But she hadn't said anything and she didn't call, so I left.
Then she called me on her way home. But she wouldn't tell me why, said we'd talk today. I'm sure it has something to do with the stupid/sensitive thing we'd talked about. I tried but couldn't get her to talk about it.
Today we've IM'd, briefly, but she wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't call.
The anticipation is killing me. What does she want to say to me? Good? Bad? Fuck you? Come see me? Why the fuck would you even think about [the stupid thing]?
I should write a book, for men, about women. Not that I know anything that incisive or revelatory (certainly not about women!), and it sure as shit wouldn't be a book of what to do for or with a woman. But I could certainly compile a list of things -not- to do. And I could present a few ideas that guys should use within themselves when dealing with women, especially with one who's very important to them. How about "Think about everything you say or do, before you say or do it, and think about it from HER perspective. Then think about it again, because your perspective is probably wrong." Maybe "No matter how 'right' or 'logical' it may seem from your [male] point of view, it's not how she'll see it. Force yourself to think from a place outside your normal perspective - because that's where she's thinking from." Or "when you think you have something important, say it out loud first, even if you just talk it to a mirror. Things become SO different when they're verbalized."
I really wish I'd have thought of that last one yesterday. As I was fucking saying the words (about the stupid thing) and hearing them in my ears, it was very strange - the words I was hearing did not seem like the words I was saying. What I'd been saying seemed.. I don't know, ?important? but as I heard the words, I only heard them as.. irrelevant. Meaningless. Insulting even. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Yeah, well, translate that into something I'd understand and it becomes "the road to losing the most important woman in your life is paved with all those things you did when you thought you were doing the best you could".
B... where are you?
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Another long night
When we talked yesterday, B and I, we briefly mentioned the book we'd been reading. That piqued my interest again so I picked it up again last night, about 11p and started reading. It got good and I finally put it down about 1245a. Since wake up is usually about 530a, that seemed like a good plan.
Plans are what you make, life is what you get.
As I lay in the dark trying to get to sleep all I could see was her face in front of me, floating. Eyes open or shut it didn't matter, I could see her. She was crying, her eyes red and wet, shiny tracks of tears lining her cheeks. There was a look of incredible sadness in her eyes and an aura of sadness or resignation or surrender all around her. There was something else in her eyes too - it wasn't a look of accusation, but more like a questioning or a wondering and the question that floated dimly in her eyes but reverberated loudly in my ears was "how could you do this to me?" That's not quite right. Maybe more like "I trusted and loved you; how did we let me get here?"
Again, there was no accusation in her eyes, only sad surprise, disappointment in me, a feeling of betrayal almost that someone she cared for and who loved her so much would contribute to making her feel like she does now, to her being in such a sad, dark place. I knew then that I'd never let anyone down as much as I had her. Wracked with guilt and grief all I wanted to do was to relieve her pain, to take away every bit of sorrow I'd caused her but I knew that I couldn't. What had happened I couldn't undo. The pain and the hurt I'd brought to her was so obvious in her eyes that I knew, and know, that I'll carry it and the shame of having caused that with me for the rest of my life.
I've made her cry before, too many times. Yesterday I did it again. As infectious and joyful as her laugh is to me, so is the sound of her crying like a knife in my heart. Every time I hear it it's too much for me, it immediately overwhelms me, sends me over the edge of the abyss. It's bad enough when she crys because of something I've done. But yesterdays' tears were different. There was no sense of having been hurt, but rather I could hear her crying for all that she'd lost, even all that we'd lost. All that I'd caused her to lose. She crys silently, almost inaudibly, but to hear her quiet sobs is the most deafening sound anyone could ever hear. In her sobs as in her tears, there's such sorrow, such loss.
Just the memory of her tears or her crying is overwhelming.
How could I have done so terrible a thing to the woman I love with all my heart? The woman I would do anything for, the woman I've been looking for for so long.
Plans are what you make, life is what you get.
As I lay in the dark trying to get to sleep all I could see was her face in front of me, floating. Eyes open or shut it didn't matter, I could see her. She was crying, her eyes red and wet, shiny tracks of tears lining her cheeks. There was a look of incredible sadness in her eyes and an aura of sadness or resignation or surrender all around her. There was something else in her eyes too - it wasn't a look of accusation, but more like a questioning or a wondering and the question that floated dimly in her eyes but reverberated loudly in my ears was "how could you do this to me?" That's not quite right. Maybe more like "I trusted and loved you; how did we let me get here?"
Again, there was no accusation in her eyes, only sad surprise, disappointment in me, a feeling of betrayal almost that someone she cared for and who loved her so much would contribute to making her feel like she does now, to her being in such a sad, dark place. I knew then that I'd never let anyone down as much as I had her. Wracked with guilt and grief all I wanted to do was to relieve her pain, to take away every bit of sorrow I'd caused her but I knew that I couldn't. What had happened I couldn't undo. The pain and the hurt I'd brought to her was so obvious in her eyes that I knew, and know, that I'll carry it and the shame of having caused that with me for the rest of my life.
I've made her cry before, too many times. Yesterday I did it again. As infectious and joyful as her laugh is to me, so is the sound of her crying like a knife in my heart. Every time I hear it it's too much for me, it immediately overwhelms me, sends me over the edge of the abyss. It's bad enough when she crys because of something I've done. But yesterdays' tears were different. There was no sense of having been hurt, but rather I could hear her crying for all that she'd lost, even all that we'd lost. All that I'd caused her to lose. She crys silently, almost inaudibly, but to hear her quiet sobs is the most deafening sound anyone could ever hear. In her sobs as in her tears, there's such sorrow, such loss.
Just the memory of her tears or her crying is overwhelming.
How could I have done so terrible a thing to the woman I love with all my heart? The woman I would do anything for, the woman I've been looking for for so long.
Grey lining in a silver cloud
Yesterday was good. B and I talked a bit and it was good. It always is, at least from my perspective, either "good" or "better".
But I heard things in her voice, in her words and behind her words that really bother me. She's feeling very much out of control of her life, detached emotionally from everyone and everything and very asexual. She's feeling that our friendship is even going if not gone, that I'm running on memories of what we had. She seems empty to me, like there's no joy in her life.
There are so many things wrong with this picture.
B is one of the most vivacious people I've ever known. She has an infectious laugh; not a belly laugh, but when you hear it, you know it's real. She's sharp and smart and quick and quick witted. Her mind is all over everything. She thinks at least two steps ahead of everyone else. She's always been sexual and sensual and so aware of all things sensual, be they sex or food or drink or mental stimulation or the feel of the air on her face when she runs.
And now she's not. She seems dulled, somehow. I've heard of nothing that's given her pleasure in months. She has no interests. These are the things that I see objectively, as her friend.
From a much more personal point of view it's no better. I see all that plus I know her intimately, closely. It's that much more painful for me to see her this way. And to top it all off, I have to live with the knowledge that all of it is because of me. If I'd never tried to be her lover none of this would have happened. So not only did I not get to know her in the real world as a real lover, but I've hurt her as a person more than you can imagine, more than anyone with malicious intent could even hope to do. Where before she was actively searching for a better, fuller life that she knew was out there now she seems resigned to living the rest of her life withdrawn, closed off and disconnected from everyone, all pleasures, all that life has to offer.
And I've done this to her. I have such doubts about what I should do. I ask myself if I'm really her friend, if her well being is that important to me, and if my being in her life seems to cause such problems, wouldn't it be best if I disappeared from her life? I even asked her yesterday if she thought it'd be better if I was out of her life - she said "I don't know". I think I even asked her if she wants me in her life anymore - she said "I don't know".
Fuck. What do I do? It may seem conceited or egotistical to think that I'm the cause of her pain, but that is the way I see it. If I wasn't in her life, trying to be -more- in her life, much of this wouldn't have happened.
It hurts me so much to see her like this. Because I care so much for her (and about her) I don't see how I could possibly ?abandon? her at a time like this. Yet, if it's really me that brings so much negativity to her life, how can I possible justify staying in her life?
Fuck.
But I heard things in her voice, in her words and behind her words that really bother me. She's feeling very much out of control of her life, detached emotionally from everyone and everything and very asexual. She's feeling that our friendship is even going if not gone, that I'm running on memories of what we had. She seems empty to me, like there's no joy in her life.
There are so many things wrong with this picture.
B is one of the most vivacious people I've ever known. She has an infectious laugh; not a belly laugh, but when you hear it, you know it's real. She's sharp and smart and quick and quick witted. Her mind is all over everything. She thinks at least two steps ahead of everyone else. She's always been sexual and sensual and so aware of all things sensual, be they sex or food or drink or mental stimulation or the feel of the air on her face when she runs.
And now she's not. She seems dulled, somehow. I've heard of nothing that's given her pleasure in months. She has no interests. These are the things that I see objectively, as her friend.
From a much more personal point of view it's no better. I see all that plus I know her intimately, closely. It's that much more painful for me to see her this way. And to top it all off, I have to live with the knowledge that all of it is because of me. If I'd never tried to be her lover none of this would have happened. So not only did I not get to know her in the real world as a real lover, but I've hurt her as a person more than you can imagine, more than anyone with malicious intent could even hope to do. Where before she was actively searching for a better, fuller life that she knew was out there now she seems resigned to living the rest of her life withdrawn, closed off and disconnected from everyone, all pleasures, all that life has to offer.
And I've done this to her. I have such doubts about what I should do. I ask myself if I'm really her friend, if her well being is that important to me, and if my being in her life seems to cause such problems, wouldn't it be best if I disappeared from her life? I even asked her yesterday if she thought it'd be better if I was out of her life - she said "I don't know". I think I even asked her if she wants me in her life anymore - she said "I don't know".
Fuck. What do I do? It may seem conceited or egotistical to think that I'm the cause of her pain, but that is the way I see it. If I wasn't in her life, trying to be -more- in her life, much of this wouldn't have happened.
It hurts me so much to see her like this. Because I care so much for her (and about her) I don't see how I could possibly ?abandon? her at a time like this. Yet, if it's really me that brings so much negativity to her life, how can I possible justify staying in her life?
Fuck.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
and then it's okay
From the depths of hell to a good day in just hours.
B called this morning. You think drugs are fun? They don't hold a candle to what it feels like to have her in your day. I don't know what the rest of the day will bring, but it's already a great day.
Every second, every minute, every hour I don't hear from her hurts... and it all goes away the second I hear her voice.
B called this morning. You think drugs are fun? They don't hold a candle to what it feels like to have her in your day. I don't know what the rest of the day will bring, but it's already a great day.
Every second, every minute, every hour I don't hear from her hurts... and it all goes away the second I hear her voice.
A Hard Days' Night
(apologies to the Fab Four...)
Last night was not a good night.
We had a great afternoon talking together. Even after all this time, when we talk the minutes and hours just fly by - before I know it she has to go. Towards the end of our conversation I'd been looking something up in some old IM's and started reading some of them - something I know, and knew, I shouldn't do.
That wave (can you say tsunami?) of sadness or melancholy or whatever you want to call it slammed me hard. As we were hanging up it was all I could do to keep it together. So that's the mindset that I went into my evening with.
She was with me all night. I tried to work on the computer and it was all I could do to not lose myself in old emails and IMs. Not that they'd have added much because I can probably recall most of that stuff from memory anyway. Finally I had a stiff drink (or 3) and went to bed.
I almost never have problems either falling asleep or sleeping. I finally drifted off at about 12-ish and had a couple hours of really shitty, fitful sleep. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and got up. Even though I knew it was a bad idea I had another drink - I rationalized that it'd help me get back to sleep.
And I thought the evening hours were bad.
I posted here what is probably the most pathetic fucking thing I've ever read. I should delete it but maybe someone will read it and offer some help. If nothing else, maybe if I ever (yeah, should say when) I get that bad again I'll be able to look at it and know that I made it through the night before.
I'm really not a bad guy; even been called a good catch. Pretty level headed, not too stoic or too emotional (despite how it may seem on this blog), loving, friendly, interesting (I think). But g-ddamn if I don't have it bad for her. No woman has ever, EVER affected me like this.
Did I mention I love her?
Last night was not a good night.
We had a great afternoon talking together. Even after all this time, when we talk the minutes and hours just fly by - before I know it she has to go. Towards the end of our conversation I'd been looking something up in some old IM's and started reading some of them - something I know, and knew, I shouldn't do.
That wave (can you say tsunami?) of sadness or melancholy or whatever you want to call it slammed me hard. As we were hanging up it was all I could do to keep it together. So that's the mindset that I went into my evening with.
She was with me all night. I tried to work on the computer and it was all I could do to not lose myself in old emails and IMs. Not that they'd have added much because I can probably recall most of that stuff from memory anyway. Finally I had a stiff drink (or 3) and went to bed.
I almost never have problems either falling asleep or sleeping. I finally drifted off at about 12-ish and had a couple hours of really shitty, fitful sleep. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and got up. Even though I knew it was a bad idea I had another drink - I rationalized that it'd help me get back to sleep.
And I thought the evening hours were bad.
I posted here what is probably the most pathetic fucking thing I've ever read. I should delete it but maybe someone will read it and offer some help. If nothing else, maybe if I ever (yeah, should say when) I get that bad again I'll be able to look at it and know that I made it through the night before.
I'm really not a bad guy; even been called a good catch. Pretty level headed, not too stoic or too emotional (despite how it may seem on this blog), loving, friendly, interesting (I think). But g-ddamn if I don't have it bad for her. No woman has ever, EVER affected me like this.
Did I mention I love her?
please help
I don't know what to do... how can I ever make it through this? We had good conversation today, that's nto the issue. How do i live the next days/weeks/months (even years?) knowing she's there and not happy but not willing to come to me?
Someone must know how to deal with this please help.
Maybe i'm better of knowing or thinkign that she's happy there, with bf. Helll for all i know she really is - it just maybe a presumption on my part that sh'es not happy.
fuck.
what do i do?
Someone must know how to deal with this please help.
Maybe i'm better of knowing or thinkign that she's happy there, with bf. Helll for all i know she really is - it just maybe a presumption on my part that sh'es not happy.
fuck.
what do i do?
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
And today?
And what will today bring? Will she call? I know in my heart she will but my nature (natural insecurity) has to chime in just to add a little uncertainty.
If she was off yesterday she'll probably go in early today - she's likely in the office right now. Of course that raises the hope that she'd make time to call early, before the demands of the day kick in, call now when we could have a relaxed conversation.
But she's driven. She's tough on herself, always pushing, pushing, pushing. In her position she should be driven, but perhaps just a bit less. When I was her age I was that way too - working long hours, coming in early, married to the job. (Thank goodness I'm older and jaded now!) I've tried to tell her to go easier on herself, to not put so much pressure on herself, but she doesn't really hear it. You know those Type A's! Not only is it her personality, but she can (anyone can, I did) rationalize that it's just because of this unique set of circumstances or just until this project gets done.
Besides, an older generation can never pass on what they've learned, usually the hard way, to a younger generation. It seems like a natural law - every generation thinks their particular circumstances/generation/environment is unique and that what the olders learned doesn't really apply to their situation. It's probably always been this way and probably always will be this way - every generation needs to make the same mistakes and learn the same lessons. Pity. I wonder how much different we'd be as a species/civilization if we could build on the life experiences of those before us.
Whew! Now that's pretty heady stuff. Back to reality...
B. I want to say "My B" but that's not really accurate because she's not mine. She's her own and she's living her life where she wants - with bf.
Shit - just saying that makes a wave of sadness wash over me, such a feeling of loss. I can't finish this now.. maybe later.
If she was off yesterday she'll probably go in early today - she's likely in the office right now. Of course that raises the hope that she'd make time to call early, before the demands of the day kick in, call now when we could have a relaxed conversation.
But she's driven. She's tough on herself, always pushing, pushing, pushing. In her position she should be driven, but perhaps just a bit less. When I was her age I was that way too - working long hours, coming in early, married to the job. (Thank goodness I'm older and jaded now!) I've tried to tell her to go easier on herself, to not put so much pressure on herself, but she doesn't really hear it. You know those Type A's! Not only is it her personality, but she can (anyone can, I did) rationalize that it's just because of this unique set of circumstances or just until this project gets done.
Besides, an older generation can never pass on what they've learned, usually the hard way, to a younger generation. It seems like a natural law - every generation thinks their particular circumstances/generation/environment is unique and that what the olders learned doesn't really apply to their situation. It's probably always been this way and probably always will be this way - every generation needs to make the same mistakes and learn the same lessons. Pity. I wonder how much different we'd be as a species/civilization if we could build on the life experiences of those before us.
Whew! Now that's pretty heady stuff. Back to reality...
B. I want to say "My B" but that's not really accurate because she's not mine. She's her own and she's living her life where she wants - with bf.
Shit - just saying that makes a wave of sadness wash over me, such a feeling of loss. I can't finish this now.. maybe later.
Monday, February 21, 2005
My Conviction Waivers
I admit - it's Presidents' Day and I don't know if B's office is closed today or not. I suspect it is because they have a very liberal holiday schedule. But, we didn't talk about it on Friday (I didn't remember and she didn't mention it), so I'm not sure. Like most other days when I don't hear from her till later and later in the day, my conviction waivers.
Is she off today or just not calling? If she's working why hasn't she called or IM'd? If she was home, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't IM, email or call me so as to not leave any traces that bf might find. With today being a (pseudo-) holiday and her apparently off today, it makes sense that she would have been in the office yesterday.
If she was in the office today for some amount of time why wouldn't she call or IM? If she was working today, she'd have contacted me, wouldn't she? Even if she wasn't working today but went into the office, she'd have contacted me, wouldn't she? Perhaps bf was in the office with her.
So does that lead me to conclude that she's -not- contacting me for some reason? I've racked my brain but can't come up with any reason for that - we ended last week on a very good note. So.... what? What's going on? I'm trying very hard to not let my imagination run wild.
She must be off today, right?
I have to get this under control. There might be months, years, a lifetime of these days ahead of me.
She's said to me, more than once, that our not being together is just because of bad timing. Fuck.
Where are you B?
Is she off today or just not calling? If she's working why hasn't she called or IM'd? If she was home, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't IM, email or call me so as to not leave any traces that bf might find. With today being a (pseudo-) holiday and her apparently off today, it makes sense that she would have been in the office yesterday.
If she was in the office today for some amount of time why wouldn't she call or IM? If she was working today, she'd have contacted me, wouldn't she? Even if she wasn't working today but went into the office, she'd have contacted me, wouldn't she? Perhaps bf was in the office with her.
So does that lead me to conclude that she's -not- contacting me for some reason? I've racked my brain but can't come up with any reason for that - we ended last week on a very good note. So.... what? What's going on? I'm trying very hard to not let my imagination run wild.
She must be off today, right?
I have to get this under control. There might be months, years, a lifetime of these days ahead of me.
She's said to me, more than once, that our not being together is just because of bad timing. Fuck.
Where are you B?
Sunday, February 20, 2005
A Long Weekend
It's been a long weekend. I've missed B a lot, more than usual. It's been different though, in that I haven't felt so... ?manic?. The longing is there, the absence in my day is still noticeable, the pangs of emptiness I feel when I think of her and realize she's not going to call still hurt. I think what's missing is some of the uncertainty that's been in our relationship.
I know that tomorrow she'll call me. It may not be early in the day, but she'll call. She may not be as close as I'd like her to be when we first talk, but I know that too. But I have a feeling that there'll be an undercurrent of ?comfort? in her voice. I think she'll feel more at ease with -me- and with -us- (although "us" doesn't mean the same thing now that it did, or that I'd like it to mean).
We ended Friday with a long talk. Not a "talk" about things that we (well, usually it's me) needed to talk about, but rather we just talked. As it was we talked about her work and some things going on there, but the important thing is that we just talked. It was relaxed and comfortable. The conversation was in no way heavy or laden with pressure from things 'us'. It was like one of our talks from before - relaxed, easy, enjoyable. It was the talk of two people who know each other well.
I feel like I've given up the woman of my dreams. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I'd had to do that so she could have the man of her dreams, but it's not that way. He had better treat her well, and he's got a long way to go to get there. I hate him for not knowing what he has in her, for not seeing her for who she is, for not letting her be herself.
I can't wait to talk to her again tomorrow. Another week with her in my life - something to look forward to...
I know that tomorrow she'll call me. It may not be early in the day, but she'll call. She may not be as close as I'd like her to be when we first talk, but I know that too. But I have a feeling that there'll be an undercurrent of ?comfort? in her voice. I think she'll feel more at ease with -me- and with -us- (although "us" doesn't mean the same thing now that it did, or that I'd like it to mean).
We ended Friday with a long talk. Not a "talk" about things that we (well, usually it's me) needed to talk about, but rather we just talked. As it was we talked about her work and some things going on there, but the important thing is that we just talked. It was relaxed and comfortable. The conversation was in no way heavy or laden with pressure from things 'us'. It was like one of our talks from before - relaxed, easy, enjoyable. It was the talk of two people who know each other well.
I feel like I've given up the woman of my dreams. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I'd had to do that so she could have the man of her dreams, but it's not that way. He had better treat her well, and he's got a long way to go to get there. I hate him for not knowing what he has in her, for not seeing her for who she is, for not letting her be herself.
I can't wait to talk to her again tomorrow. Another week with her in my life - something to look forward to...
Friday, February 18, 2005
A resolution... of sorts
I had hoped that Wednesday was an aberration - and I was right. I was still scared that it could have been real, but I couldn't make myself believe that B was serious when she said "fuck you" to me when I IM'd to her near the end of the day "love you.. and like you".
We had very good talks yesterday - frank, open, honest. The resolution was, is, difficult for me to accept and internalize, but I know it's the way it has to be. If I want her to stay in my life as my friend (and I do) and if she's to keep me in her life, then there's no other way. She's asked me to do this before, told me that it's the way it has to be, for now anyway, or it won't work.
Essentially, I have to put my love for her away. I can keep it, and I will, but I can't approach her with it shining like a beacon over my head. She's got too much in her life right now to deal with and my courting her isn't helping and would ultimately drive her away.
G-d that's gonna be hard. Everytime she pops into my mind, all seven thousand six hundred and forty two times a day (give or take a few), "love" is what I feel. Not the word and not the romantic movie version and not Valentines' Day or flowers or gifts, but the essence of it - the warmth that flows through me, the feeling of "rightness" with it, the knowledge in my mind that I do love her, purely and simply, with no complications or conditions or expectations. I just love her.
I have to put that away for now; maybe forever, but certainly for now. It'll still be with me, always be just below the surface. It'll echo in my ears when I hear her voice, shine in my eyes when I see her picture, warm my heart when I think of her - I just can't let it out where she can see it.
It also means that I may never hear her say to me "I love you". I'd give anything to have heard that just one more time - I may never hear those words from her mouth again. That's sad and painful to me - afterall, we all want to be loved, don't we? But not being able to tell her that I love her or how special she is to me - that's going to be hard and painful. I love her without regard to anything else - it's not dependent on her loving me or being with me or anything else. I love her because of who she is. It's hard to keep love in - love needs to be shared, should be shared. And now I can't tell her that I love her.
I made her promise, before we hung up, that she'd never forget that I love her. I've always been of the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy, and was always concerned that she would not know or remember how I felt. I made her promise, swear to me, that no matter what, for no matter how long, that she would always remember how I feel about her, always know that I love her. She said she would. Something in her voice told me that that was true, gave me some comfort that even without it being said, that she'd know in her heart and in her head that my love for her was real, is real, and continues on. I hope, and I think it does, that it's never far from her consciousness, that she can see it, hold it, let it warm her when she needs it. I hope that when she feels alone she can reach just inside herself and find my love and let it be with her and comfort her.
I wish I could hear her say just one more time "I love you". Just once.
Everyday I'll wish I could tell her that I love her.
I'll be here as her friend. Hopefully even still as her best friend. I'll do whatever I can to help her through this difficult time in her life. I'll listen and suggest and cajole and kid and prod and empathize - as her friend. If that means helping her rebuild her relationship with bf - then I'll do that too. I want the best for her - I want her to be happy, to live and love life. And if life with bf is where she'll be happy, then that will make me happy too.
But g-d help me, how can I say I love her and that I'll do whatever, do anything to help her enjoy life - and still hope that she doesn't stay with him? What the fuck is wrong with me? It must be natural to some extent to feel this way, no? Or is it just self centered to want her to be happy but want it to be with me?
Love. How can it be so rewarding, so fulfilling, so wonderful, and at the same time so hard?
I love you B. Please don't forget that - you promised you wouldn't.
We had very good talks yesterday - frank, open, honest. The resolution was, is, difficult for me to accept and internalize, but I know it's the way it has to be. If I want her to stay in my life as my friend (and I do) and if she's to keep me in her life, then there's no other way. She's asked me to do this before, told me that it's the way it has to be, for now anyway, or it won't work.
Essentially, I have to put my love for her away. I can keep it, and I will, but I can't approach her with it shining like a beacon over my head. She's got too much in her life right now to deal with and my courting her isn't helping and would ultimately drive her away.
G-d that's gonna be hard. Everytime she pops into my mind, all seven thousand six hundred and forty two times a day (give or take a few), "love" is what I feel. Not the word and not the romantic movie version and not Valentines' Day or flowers or gifts, but the essence of it - the warmth that flows through me, the feeling of "rightness" with it, the knowledge in my mind that I do love her, purely and simply, with no complications or conditions or expectations. I just love her.
I have to put that away for now; maybe forever, but certainly for now. It'll still be with me, always be just below the surface. It'll echo in my ears when I hear her voice, shine in my eyes when I see her picture, warm my heart when I think of her - I just can't let it out where she can see it.
It also means that I may never hear her say to me "I love you". I'd give anything to have heard that just one more time - I may never hear those words from her mouth again. That's sad and painful to me - afterall, we all want to be loved, don't we? But not being able to tell her that I love her or how special she is to me - that's going to be hard and painful. I love her without regard to anything else - it's not dependent on her loving me or being with me or anything else. I love her because of who she is. It's hard to keep love in - love needs to be shared, should be shared. And now I can't tell her that I love her.
I made her promise, before we hung up, that she'd never forget that I love her. I've always been of the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy, and was always concerned that she would not know or remember how I felt. I made her promise, swear to me, that no matter what, for no matter how long, that she would always remember how I feel about her, always know that I love her. She said she would. Something in her voice told me that that was true, gave me some comfort that even without it being said, that she'd know in her heart and in her head that my love for her was real, is real, and continues on. I hope, and I think it does, that it's never far from her consciousness, that she can see it, hold it, let it warm her when she needs it. I hope that when she feels alone she can reach just inside herself and find my love and let it be with her and comfort her.
I wish I could hear her say just one more time "I love you". Just once.
Everyday I'll wish I could tell her that I love her.
I'll be here as her friend. Hopefully even still as her best friend. I'll do whatever I can to help her through this difficult time in her life. I'll listen and suggest and cajole and kid and prod and empathize - as her friend. If that means helping her rebuild her relationship with bf - then I'll do that too. I want the best for her - I want her to be happy, to live and love life. And if life with bf is where she'll be happy, then that will make me happy too.
But g-d help me, how can I say I love her and that I'll do whatever, do anything to help her enjoy life - and still hope that she doesn't stay with him? What the fuck is wrong with me? It must be natural to some extent to feel this way, no? Or is it just self centered to want her to be happy but want it to be with me?
Love. How can it be so rewarding, so fulfilling, so wonderful, and at the same time so hard?
I love you B. Please don't forget that - you promised you wouldn't.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Wednesday 2/16/05
I don't even want to think about it. I can't think about it.
When I left work, I sat in my car to think about the day.
I've never felt so low or so empty.
Who says men don't cry?
When I left work, I sat in my car to think about the day.
I've never felt so low or so empty.
Who says men don't cry?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
An exceptional day
Yesterday started out normally enough - that is to say, as unexceptional as any other.
Well, maybe not entirely routine. I'm a pretty romantic guy, on occasion. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much, but (I think) generally so. Certainly where B is concerned, I seem to be a little more so inclined even though too much of it bothers her. Anyway, Monday night was a little tough - not being with her, knowing she was out with bf, just.. hard. True, I did go out with a friend, but having a consolation prize isn't quite the same as having the grand prize, is it?
Anyway, my thoughts got a little carried away, I guess, and I wrote her an offline message. In my message I reiterated something I've said to her a few times before, sort of a metaphorical invitation. I've had in my head, for quite some time, a vision of me holding out my hand to her, asking her to take it and to join me on a journey of discovery. Both of us have talked many, many times about finding out what else, what all this life has to offer. Neither of us has been particularly happy with our travels so far and with so many similarities between us and so many shared ideas and visions, it just seems like together we'd be able to go further, see and discover so much more.
I guess it's obvious she hasn't yet put her hand out to me, or I'd be writing this as my last entry. Still, I hope. I'm hopeful. I'm not a patient guy (instant gratification isn't fast enough!), but for her, I'll wait. I intend to take some "short road trips" in life, but I can hold off on the world tour for now. There's many things I need to do in preparation anyway.
At least she knows that I still have her ticket. It has no expiration date.
Moving on.
She called me yesterday, mid morning. That's reason enough to be happy, but it gets way better. She says "I have time to talk". Might seem insignificant to anyone else, but to me it means a lot. For whatever reason, she was free to talk on the phone, something she can usually only do in short chunks. I asked how long, she said "about an hour". Awesome! She calls. We talk. And talk. And talk.
There were periods and topics during which the conversation was a little strained. But overwhelmingly it was wonderful. It was like having one of our long lost evening or weekend talks again. We talked about many things, got caught up on some current events in our lives and just generally spent some time together, free and easy. It was nice beyond description.
It felt good, great, wonderful. It felt -right-. The memory of all the times we've spent together on the phone came rushing back, bringing all the feelings of warmth and comfort and love back, as though we still had those times every week. It was amazing in that my sphere of consciousness consisted solely of her voice, her image, all of the "her" that I have in my head and heart, and me, and the us of it. I was barely aware of anything else around me.
Her hour turned into two.
If nothing else, I'm consistent. Eventually I brought the talk around to her and bf and their V-day night. It was fine actually, until either I pushed too far or my reaction hit her wrong. And then she shut down. Like always, I knew immediately just by the change in her voice. And within 3 or 4 minutes, she ended the call. I tried and tried to smoothe it over, to tell her that she didn't need to end it, that we'd work through and past it, but to no avail.
Just to make things worse, turns out she could have talked for another hour and a half. Fuck. She pointed out that we did have two good hours - yes, we did, and they were great and I wouldn't have missed them for anything. But we could have had another 90 minutes. Fuck.
We did IM much of the rest of the day, and we did talk again a couple of times briefly and then again before she left work. The "goodness" of the conversation and connection were still mostly there throughout the day and yesterday will go down as one of my favorite days in a long time. But I still worry that every time I shut her down that I've put one more brick into the wall, that it'll be that much harder for her to get, be and stay open and close and connected with me the next time.
I want her, so much, and she knows it. Sometimes I wonder if that scares her or pushes her away. She wants me, I'm sure of it, although she won't say it anymore and probably won't even allow herself to think it anymore.
If I had one chance to see the future - any part of the future, I wouldn't want to know when I'm gonna die or what tomorrow's stock prices are gonna be or this weekend's winning lottery numbers.
I'd just want to know if she'll ever tell me to come be with her.
Well, maybe not entirely routine. I'm a pretty romantic guy, on occasion. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much, but (I think) generally so. Certainly where B is concerned, I seem to be a little more so inclined even though too much of it bothers her. Anyway, Monday night was a little tough - not being with her, knowing she was out with bf, just.. hard. True, I did go out with a friend, but having a consolation prize isn't quite the same as having the grand prize, is it?
Anyway, my thoughts got a little carried away, I guess, and I wrote her an offline message. In my message I reiterated something I've said to her a few times before, sort of a metaphorical invitation. I've had in my head, for quite some time, a vision of me holding out my hand to her, asking her to take it and to join me on a journey of discovery. Both of us have talked many, many times about finding out what else, what all this life has to offer. Neither of us has been particularly happy with our travels so far and with so many similarities between us and so many shared ideas and visions, it just seems like together we'd be able to go further, see and discover so much more.
I guess it's obvious she hasn't yet put her hand out to me, or I'd be writing this as my last entry. Still, I hope. I'm hopeful. I'm not a patient guy (instant gratification isn't fast enough!), but for her, I'll wait. I intend to take some "short road trips" in life, but I can hold off on the world tour for now. There's many things I need to do in preparation anyway.
At least she knows that I still have her ticket. It has no expiration date.
Moving on.
She called me yesterday, mid morning. That's reason enough to be happy, but it gets way better. She says "I have time to talk". Might seem insignificant to anyone else, but to me it means a lot. For whatever reason, she was free to talk on the phone, something she can usually only do in short chunks. I asked how long, she said "about an hour". Awesome! She calls. We talk. And talk. And talk.
There were periods and topics during which the conversation was a little strained. But overwhelmingly it was wonderful. It was like having one of our long lost evening or weekend talks again. We talked about many things, got caught up on some current events in our lives and just generally spent some time together, free and easy. It was nice beyond description.
It felt good, great, wonderful. It felt -right-. The memory of all the times we've spent together on the phone came rushing back, bringing all the feelings of warmth and comfort and love back, as though we still had those times every week. It was amazing in that my sphere of consciousness consisted solely of her voice, her image, all of the "her" that I have in my head and heart, and me, and the us of it. I was barely aware of anything else around me.
Her hour turned into two.
If nothing else, I'm consistent. Eventually I brought the talk around to her and bf and their V-day night. It was fine actually, until either I pushed too far or my reaction hit her wrong. And then she shut down. Like always, I knew immediately just by the change in her voice. And within 3 or 4 minutes, she ended the call. I tried and tried to smoothe it over, to tell her that she didn't need to end it, that we'd work through and past it, but to no avail.
Just to make things worse, turns out she could have talked for another hour and a half. Fuck. She pointed out that we did have two good hours - yes, we did, and they were great and I wouldn't have missed them for anything. But we could have had another 90 minutes. Fuck.
We did IM much of the rest of the day, and we did talk again a couple of times briefly and then again before she left work. The "goodness" of the conversation and connection were still mostly there throughout the day and yesterday will go down as one of my favorite days in a long time. But I still worry that every time I shut her down that I've put one more brick into the wall, that it'll be that much harder for her to get, be and stay open and close and connected with me the next time.
I want her, so much, and she knows it. Sometimes I wonder if that scares her or pushes her away. She wants me, I'm sure of it, although she won't say it anymore and probably won't even allow herself to think it anymore.
If I had one chance to see the future - any part of the future, I wouldn't want to know when I'm gonna die or what tomorrow's stock prices are gonna be or this weekend's winning lottery numbers.
I'd just want to know if she'll ever tell me to come be with her.
Valentine's Day...II
My day was complete - we got to talk. Actually, quite a bit, and very good talk, too.
It wasn't quite the V-Day I'd envisioned last year. Last year I'd had dreams of what this year might be like. I had pictured us being together, of course. A day off for both of us. I could picture many, many romantic type things I'd love to do for her -
sleep late, a dozen long stem red roses on her nightstand when she woke, breakfast in bed, satin pj's, a hand wash by me in the shower, a limo to a day spa for the works - massage, steam, pedicure, manicure, facial, aroma therapy, whatever. Everything. Limo back. Another dozen roses. Fresh strawberries and chocolate covered strawberries. Drive to a beach restaurant for a champagne lunch. A leisurely afternoon watching the water. A walk on the water's edge. Drive back. Give her my gift - jewelry, a necklace probably. Champagne and fruit. A couple of hours of making love - with me attending to her every wish, desire, need. A shower - another hand wash by me. A nap. When she woke, a fresh bouquet of flowers. I bring her sliced fresh fruit, chocolates, cheese, wine. Some time spent talking, laughing, just being together. Dress up. Limo to a fine restaurant. A full course meal of all her favorite foods. Libations. Laughter. Love. Limo to the beach. A barefoot walk at waters' edge in the moonlight. Time to relax together, maybe talk, maybe just to be together. Limo back. A single red rose. We retire. Make love again, fast and furious or slow and langourous, whereever the mood takes us. Sleep. Then in the morning, a return to the world.
All of these would be too much I think, she'd be... overwhelmed? But some of them, carefully planned and executed with the singular goal of pampering her, showing her how special she is to me... this would make a great day.
Some quotes come to mind... the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about the same. Plans are what you make, life is what you get. Life is what happens while you're making plans.
And, perhaps the simplest thing to say: My plans, hopes, wants, desires were OBE (Overtaken By Events).
Instead, we're here. She continues in (what seems to be) an unhappy relationship. I'm nearly legally single. I'm alone. The odds, the chances, the liklihood of ever having her be in my life seem smaller than ever, yet I want it more than ever before. My very uncertain future arrives in about 45 days. My life beyond that? Vague, frighteningly uncertain. I'm having to make plans that I don't really want to make, to do things that I don't really want to do, in a city I don't really want to be in. There's almost NOTHING in my life that is as I want it.
In what will almost certainly be interpreted as the sign of a lovesick, obsessed man, I still feel that if just one thing were different then none of the rest would matter. Change just one thing in the world and the uncertainty of the future would vanish. It'd still be there, but the spectre of it wouldn't loom so large, seem so ominous and dark. I'd still have to make plans for my life, but the context in which they'd be made and the world in which they'd be executed would be so different. Just one change in the world. Just one. If she would just tell me to come to her. If she'd just -want- me to come to her.
I know, I know. SHE can't make me happy. That's not her job, not her responsibility. I know that's up to me, completely. But having her in my life would make me happy, because her friendship makes me happy, her love makes me happy. Doing things for her make me happy. Her presence wouldn't make everything in my life alright. I certainly know that my presence in her life wouldn't make her life all smooth sailing. But just the chance to see what could be - that's what I want, all I ask.
So instead of my perfect vision of the perfect future, I get reality. She was with him last night, of course. Dinner, chocolate, gifts. He undoubtedly told her he loved her. She probably did the same. There was some closeness. There was sex. There was her, with him, in their life. And today she woke up next to him, in their bed, in their house, in their life, in their world. She woke up there because she chooses to be there.
And still I want her.
It wasn't quite the V-Day I'd envisioned last year. Last year I'd had dreams of what this year might be like. I had pictured us being together, of course. A day off for both of us. I could picture many, many romantic type things I'd love to do for her -
sleep late, a dozen long stem red roses on her nightstand when she woke, breakfast in bed, satin pj's, a hand wash by me in the shower, a limo to a day spa for the works - massage, steam, pedicure, manicure, facial, aroma therapy, whatever. Everything. Limo back. Another dozen roses. Fresh strawberries and chocolate covered strawberries. Drive to a beach restaurant for a champagne lunch. A leisurely afternoon watching the water. A walk on the water's edge. Drive back. Give her my gift - jewelry, a necklace probably. Champagne and fruit. A couple of hours of making love - with me attending to her every wish, desire, need. A shower - another hand wash by me. A nap. When she woke, a fresh bouquet of flowers. I bring her sliced fresh fruit, chocolates, cheese, wine. Some time spent talking, laughing, just being together. Dress up. Limo to a fine restaurant. A full course meal of all her favorite foods. Libations. Laughter. Love. Limo to the beach. A barefoot walk at waters' edge in the moonlight. Time to relax together, maybe talk, maybe just to be together. Limo back. A single red rose. We retire. Make love again, fast and furious or slow and langourous, whereever the mood takes us. Sleep. Then in the morning, a return to the world.
All of these would be too much I think, she'd be... overwhelmed? But some of them, carefully planned and executed with the singular goal of pampering her, showing her how special she is to me... this would make a great day.
Some quotes come to mind... the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about the same. Plans are what you make, life is what you get. Life is what happens while you're making plans.
And, perhaps the simplest thing to say: My plans, hopes, wants, desires were OBE (Overtaken By Events).
Instead, we're here. She continues in (what seems to be) an unhappy relationship. I'm nearly legally single. I'm alone. The odds, the chances, the liklihood of ever having her be in my life seem smaller than ever, yet I want it more than ever before. My very uncertain future arrives in about 45 days. My life beyond that? Vague, frighteningly uncertain. I'm having to make plans that I don't really want to make, to do things that I don't really want to do, in a city I don't really want to be in. There's almost NOTHING in my life that is as I want it.
In what will almost certainly be interpreted as the sign of a lovesick, obsessed man, I still feel that if just one thing were different then none of the rest would matter. Change just one thing in the world and the uncertainty of the future would vanish. It'd still be there, but the spectre of it wouldn't loom so large, seem so ominous and dark. I'd still have to make plans for my life, but the context in which they'd be made and the world in which they'd be executed would be so different. Just one change in the world. Just one. If she would just tell me to come to her. If she'd just -want- me to come to her.
I know, I know. SHE can't make me happy. That's not her job, not her responsibility. I know that's up to me, completely. But having her in my life would make me happy, because her friendship makes me happy, her love makes me happy. Doing things for her make me happy. Her presence wouldn't make everything in my life alright. I certainly know that my presence in her life wouldn't make her life all smooth sailing. But just the chance to see what could be - that's what I want, all I ask.
So instead of my perfect vision of the perfect future, I get reality. She was with him last night, of course. Dinner, chocolate, gifts. He undoubtedly told her he loved her. She probably did the same. There was some closeness. There was sex. There was her, with him, in their life. And today she woke up next to him, in their bed, in their house, in their life, in their world. She woke up there because she chooses to be there.
And still I want her.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Valentine's Day
B and I finished out the week on a nice note. We had some time to talk and IM on Friday and it was very good. "Productive" isn't quite right, but it was good time. She was kinda busy/distracted while we were talking and when we hung up, she said she was sorry she "wasted the afternoon when we could have talked more". I too wished that, but it made me feel good that she wished for more time together.
And now we're in a new week, again.
Monday. It's now 12:20 and I haven't heard from her yet. No email. No phone. She's not online. This is not unprecedented in that there have been times I haven't heard from her till noon or later. It just feels odd/strange/conflicting that after a good day on Friday that she makes no contact this morning.
If she's at work, I'm sure she's busy. Maybe she didn't come in today. She could be sick. Maybe her and bf had plans for a weekend getaway (but Friday said she didn't). He could have surprised her with a quick getaway trip. Maybe he did something extra for her for Valentines' Day.
Dunno. Dunno what to think.
Watching the hands on the clock is like watching a gauge on my anxiety. As more hours pass, my anxiety level goes up. What's up? Where is she? What's she thinking? Is she not contacting me on purpose? Is she okay? What if she was in an accident? Did they go away?
I sometimes even let myself think, just for a second, that maybe they had a fight over the weekend and she left. But wouldn't she have called? I'm not sure. I think so, but it's possible she wouldn't until she was ready.
I sent her a package on Thursday. (Friday?) She should get it today. I sent her a little gift, something small, but heartfelt. Romantic, kinda, but not overly so. Also sent a couple of cards - a cute one and a "real" one, and a letter. We used to always read the letters I sent her together over the phone. That faded out last year after bf found out about me, and now she has many letters that we haven't read together, and that I'm not even sure she's ever read. And may never.
Time goes on.
Still no word from her.
And now we're in a new week, again.
Monday. It's now 12:20 and I haven't heard from her yet. No email. No phone. She's not online. This is not unprecedented in that there have been times I haven't heard from her till noon or later. It just feels odd/strange/conflicting that after a good day on Friday that she makes no contact this morning.
If she's at work, I'm sure she's busy. Maybe she didn't come in today. She could be sick. Maybe her and bf had plans for a weekend getaway (but Friday said she didn't). He could have surprised her with a quick getaway trip. Maybe he did something extra for her for Valentines' Day.
Dunno. Dunno what to think.
Watching the hands on the clock is like watching a gauge on my anxiety. As more hours pass, my anxiety level goes up. What's up? Where is she? What's she thinking? Is she not contacting me on purpose? Is she okay? What if she was in an accident? Did they go away?
I sometimes even let myself think, just for a second, that maybe they had a fight over the weekend and she left. But wouldn't she have called? I'm not sure. I think so, but it's possible she wouldn't until she was ready.
I sent her a package on Thursday. (Friday?) She should get it today. I sent her a little gift, something small, but heartfelt. Romantic, kinda, but not overly so. Also sent a couple of cards - a cute one and a "real" one, and a letter. We used to always read the letters I sent her together over the phone. That faded out last year after bf found out about me, and now she has many letters that we haven't read together, and that I'm not even sure she's ever read. And may never.
Time goes on.
Still no word from her.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Where is she?
It's 12:45 my time. I haven't heard from B yet.
Yesterday, the last thing she said before hanging up was that she would call me today. I'd hoped, of course, that that would mean she'd call in the morning. I wanted, wished I could get her to promise to do so, maybe even at certain times, but that's counterproductive. She wouldn't do it if it was expected or scheduled for a certain time. Especially not now, when it's all she can do just to talk to me.
It's possible she could call as she's walking out the door of work, heading for home, and just say "Hi. Have a good night. Bye." And that'd be it. I hope not.
But, even though she didn't promise, I believe she will call. If she says she'll do something, consider it done.
Which is why when she says she's "done" I get so freaked, because I know that she has the will power, fortitude and internal strength to do it - to disappear from my life forever.
Where are you B? Please call.
Please?
Yesterday, the last thing she said before hanging up was that she would call me today. I'd hoped, of course, that that would mean she'd call in the morning. I wanted, wished I could get her to promise to do so, maybe even at certain times, but that's counterproductive. She wouldn't do it if it was expected or scheduled for a certain time. Especially not now, when it's all she can do just to talk to me.
It's possible she could call as she's walking out the door of work, heading for home, and just say "Hi. Have a good night. Bye." And that'd be it. I hope not.
But, even though she didn't promise, I believe she will call. If she says she'll do something, consider it done.
Which is why when she says she's "done" I get so freaked, because I know that she has the will power, fortitude and internal strength to do it - to disappear from my life forever.
Where are you B? Please call.
Please?
A new mission?
Having a friend like B is something that only happens a couple of times in your life. If you get one friend like her, you're lucky. If you get two, you're blessed. If you say you have three, you're lying. Okay, I'll grant that it is possible to have 3 friends like B in one lifetime; I just see the likelihood of it as very small.
You have to understand that B has been the light of my life for a year and a half. I loved her with all my heart, with all my soul. I still do. Possibly, probably more than ever.
And right now, I'm as close to losing her from my life, forever, as I've ever been. And I'm terrified. I know all the usual platitudes and other crap... "you'll move on", "you'll find other friends". All bullshit. I know my life won't end; I'll still wake up tomorrow and the next day and probably the day after that. The question is, will I want to? Right now, the answer is no.
Well, no, that's not quite correct either. I do have something to live for now, a mission, if you will. My friend B is not in a good spot right now. She says she's fine, that maybe it's for the best, she doesn't have to care about anything, nothing will bother her much, she can just go on on autopilot. No one should have to live like that, no one. Especially not a young, beautiful, vibrant woman like B. The way she describes her life now is very familiar to me though. It's almost exactly how I would have described my mind set - when I was deep in depression. I don't think she's depressed - she's just got a lot of shit happening in her life now, has had a lot of shit since September, and has had stress (albeit hopefully good stress) for a year and a half just by having me in her life.
Anyway. On top of all the stuff that's happening in her private life, there's me. She just told me yesterday that she hasn't felt close to me in some time. I knew, at some level, that things weren't great, but I didn't know how bad they were. She told me that she almost can't remember our friendship anymore, that it's like a memory fading in the sunset. I'm almost completely out of her life, of her mind. Just writing the words or thinking them makes my chest tight, my throat constrict, my eyes water. Oh g-d, how did we get to here? What have I done?
I can't let this happen. Maybe I'm selfish and just want to save myself the pain of losing my friend. Maybe it's an ego thing to think that I could never do anything that would cause someone to want me out of their life. Possible, but I don't think so. On the other hand, am I so full of myself that I think it's better for her if I stay in her life? Again, possible, but I don't think so. I know her. She says she's not the same person now that I knew before. I know she's changed, but the B that I know is still there. And yeah, for whatever reason, I think it's better for her if I stay in her life. If for no other reason than I'm outside of her daily life, I can be a sounding board or a whipping boy or a font of wisdom (insert raucous laughter here).
So I see two main reasons, two very good reasons, for me being determined to do whatever it takes to stay in her life and keep her in mine, and to get her to want me in her life again, and to get her to enjoy life again. First, because she's my friend. My best friend, ever. I love her as a person, as a friend and as a woman. She may say she's okay with the way she is now but I'm going to operate on the idea that being resigned to a life of nothingness is not the way to be. Second, because I want her in my life. I don't want to lose a friend like her. She can never be replaced. We've shared so much, learned so much from each other, even loved so much. I want her in my life as my friend. Yes, I want her as my lover as well, and at another level there's still a hope that someday she'll want that again as well. But as she and I have always said before, I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all. Having her as my best friend gives me >90% of all the good I stand to get from her. Having her as my lover and/or partner would add the other 10%.
This is a very scary time. If I fail at my mission, my mission to rekindle in her the interest in us and in enjoying her life, then we both lose. I will lose her from my life. She will allow herself to stay in the gray nothingness until eventually she emerges.
My mission then is to be a friend to her, without regard to my wants or needs. I need to start at the beginning almost - introduce myself. Make conversation. While I know the B of old, I'll have to learn who this B is. I have to gain her interest in talking. Then we have to try to become friends again. Correction. Not "try". We will be friends again.
You have to understand that B has been the light of my life for a year and a half. I loved her with all my heart, with all my soul. I still do. Possibly, probably more than ever.
And right now, I'm as close to losing her from my life, forever, as I've ever been. And I'm terrified. I know all the usual platitudes and other crap... "you'll move on", "you'll find other friends". All bullshit. I know my life won't end; I'll still wake up tomorrow and the next day and probably the day after that. The question is, will I want to? Right now, the answer is no.
Well, no, that's not quite correct either. I do have something to live for now, a mission, if you will. My friend B is not in a good spot right now. She says she's fine, that maybe it's for the best, she doesn't have to care about anything, nothing will bother her much, she can just go on on autopilot. No one should have to live like that, no one. Especially not a young, beautiful, vibrant woman like B. The way she describes her life now is very familiar to me though. It's almost exactly how I would have described my mind set - when I was deep in depression. I don't think she's depressed - she's just got a lot of shit happening in her life now, has had a lot of shit since September, and has had stress (albeit hopefully good stress) for a year and a half just by having me in her life.
Anyway. On top of all the stuff that's happening in her private life, there's me. She just told me yesterday that she hasn't felt close to me in some time. I knew, at some level, that things weren't great, but I didn't know how bad they were. She told me that she almost can't remember our friendship anymore, that it's like a memory fading in the sunset. I'm almost completely out of her life, of her mind. Just writing the words or thinking them makes my chest tight, my throat constrict, my eyes water. Oh g-d, how did we get to here? What have I done?
I can't let this happen. Maybe I'm selfish and just want to save myself the pain of losing my friend. Maybe it's an ego thing to think that I could never do anything that would cause someone to want me out of their life. Possible, but I don't think so. On the other hand, am I so full of myself that I think it's better for her if I stay in her life? Again, possible, but I don't think so. I know her. She says she's not the same person now that I knew before. I know she's changed, but the B that I know is still there. And yeah, for whatever reason, I think it's better for her if I stay in her life. If for no other reason than I'm outside of her daily life, I can be a sounding board or a whipping boy or a font of wisdom (insert raucous laughter here).
So I see two main reasons, two very good reasons, for me being determined to do whatever it takes to stay in her life and keep her in mine, and to get her to want me in her life again, and to get her to enjoy life again. First, because she's my friend. My best friend, ever. I love her as a person, as a friend and as a woman. She may say she's okay with the way she is now but I'm going to operate on the idea that being resigned to a life of nothingness is not the way to be. Second, because I want her in my life. I don't want to lose a friend like her. She can never be replaced. We've shared so much, learned so much from each other, even loved so much. I want her in my life as my friend. Yes, I want her as my lover as well, and at another level there's still a hope that someday she'll want that again as well. But as she and I have always said before, I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all. Having her as my best friend gives me >90% of all the good I stand to get from her. Having her as my lover and/or partner would add the other 10%.
This is a very scary time. If I fail at my mission, my mission to rekindle in her the interest in us and in enjoying her life, then we both lose. I will lose her from my life. She will allow herself to stay in the gray nothingness until eventually she emerges.
My mission then is to be a friend to her, without regard to my wants or needs. I need to start at the beginning almost - introduce myself. Make conversation. While I know the B of old, I'll have to learn who this B is. I have to gain her interest in talking. Then we have to try to become friends again. Correction. Not "try". We will be friends again.
and now what?
I'm pretty lost right now.
My B, who was looking for more, looking to connect and talk and learn about herself and get some excitement in her life, now has no interest in anything in her life. We have me to thank for that.
There's always some kernel of truth in stereotypes, cliches and sayings, isn't there? Like this one
And now, through my actions, she doesn't. She tells me she has nothing to look forward to in any part of her life. Nothing. And, she's become so disconnected from me, her "friend", that she's not even sure she wants to continue talking to me at all.
Fuck. I can accept fucking up my own life. But how do I ever live with what I've done to her?
We had a fairly long talk yesterday about this - her, me, us, this friendship, life. She sounds so.. ?desolate?, so resigned. That is so NOT the way B is. She's the one who is always positive. Not that perky that can be so annoying ;-). But she's always, always up. Sure, there've been times when she was down. Maybe work problems, maybe home problems, heck she's even been down when we were having problems. But her down spells are short - usually measureable in minutes and hours, with the very occasional couple of days thing.
She has an amazing ability to handle things. She processes them, figures the impact on her and what she has to do to deal with it, then does it. Even in things where she's going to be deprived of something she wants, or some hardship or frankly, in anything bad, she seems to experience the loss then move herself beyond it. "No sense crying over spilt milk" describes her perfectly. If she can't affect something, she makes whatever mental adjustment she needs to make, then moves on.
So different from me. When I experience those things, like for example... When B and I lost the opportunity to talk on the weekends, I was devastated. Weekends were prime time for us - we usually got good blocks of time to talk, sometimes sex talk, often not, but just to talk. No work distractions, no distractions of any sort, just time to talk. When we lost that, I was beside myself. It threw me into a funk for days. Hell, I still grieve that loss (although in comparison to how close I am to losing B from my life altogether, that's small potatoes). She grieved for it too - and then she was over it. I don't know how long she was sad about it... probably a couple of days. She may still be sad about it, but neither then or now has she let it interfere with her day, her life in any way. She analyzed the situation - weekend talk time is gone, certainly for now, maybe for good. She couldn't do anything about it. She grieved. She adjusted her mind. Then she was over it.
I wish I could do that. I can't. I let things weigh heavily on me, hold me down, keep my mood down, let my disappointment color everything that is me. I can see the value of being able to handle things like she does. I can even understand the thought process required to do so. But for some reason (probably emotional immaturity, self-centeredness, etc all remnants from my adolescence?) I cannot make myself just accept things and move on. I'm weak that way - and yes, I do consider it a weakness. What value could "wailing and gnashing of teeth" bring to my life? It just perpetuates my down.
Damn me.
My B, who was looking for more, looking to connect and talk and learn about herself and get some excitement in her life, now has no interest in anything in her life. We have me to thank for that.
There's always some kernel of truth in stereotypes, cliches and sayings, isn't there? Like this one
"We only hurt those we love".Apparently that's me. Yeah, I think I may have been a bright spot in her life for awhile. She probably learned some things from me, even learned some things about herself with me. For a long time, she had a good friend that not only -could- she talk to about anything, but she -wanted- to talk to me.
And now, through my actions, she doesn't. She tells me she has nothing to look forward to in any part of her life. Nothing. And, she's become so disconnected from me, her "friend", that she's not even sure she wants to continue talking to me at all.
Fuck. I can accept fucking up my own life. But how do I ever live with what I've done to her?
We had a fairly long talk yesterday about this - her, me, us, this friendship, life. She sounds so.. ?desolate?, so resigned. That is so NOT the way B is. She's the one who is always positive. Not that perky that can be so annoying ;-). But she's always, always up. Sure, there've been times when she was down. Maybe work problems, maybe home problems, heck she's even been down when we were having problems. But her down spells are short - usually measureable in minutes and hours, with the very occasional couple of days thing.
She has an amazing ability to handle things. She processes them, figures the impact on her and what she has to do to deal with it, then does it. Even in things where she's going to be deprived of something she wants, or some hardship or frankly, in anything bad, she seems to experience the loss then move herself beyond it. "No sense crying over spilt milk" describes her perfectly. If she can't affect something, she makes whatever mental adjustment she needs to make, then moves on.
So different from me. When I experience those things, like for example... When B and I lost the opportunity to talk on the weekends, I was devastated. Weekends were prime time for us - we usually got good blocks of time to talk, sometimes sex talk, often not, but just to talk. No work distractions, no distractions of any sort, just time to talk. When we lost that, I was beside myself. It threw me into a funk for days. Hell, I still grieve that loss (although in comparison to how close I am to losing B from my life altogether, that's small potatoes). She grieved for it too - and then she was over it. I don't know how long she was sad about it... probably a couple of days. She may still be sad about it, but neither then or now has she let it interfere with her day, her life in any way. She analyzed the situation - weekend talk time is gone, certainly for now, maybe for good. She couldn't do anything about it. She grieved. She adjusted her mind. Then she was over it.
I wish I could do that. I can't. I let things weigh heavily on me, hold me down, keep my mood down, let my disappointment color everything that is me. I can see the value of being able to handle things like she does. I can even understand the thought process required to do so. But for some reason (probably emotional immaturity, self-centeredness, etc all remnants from my adolescence?) I cannot make myself just accept things and move on. I'm weak that way - and yes, I do consider it a weakness. What value could "wailing and gnashing of teeth" bring to my life? It just perpetuates my down.
Damn me.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Another week, another world
Much changes. Not for the better.
Thursday I said something to B that pissed her off. She wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day except for a brief IM to say she had no time to talk. Same thing on Friday - she wouldn't talk to me, although she did call at the end of the day to say have a good weekend. She also said she was going to take some time alone, no talking... about a week. If you ever want to know terror, sheer fear of the future, that'll do it.
It was a very long weekend.
Monday morning, a brief call. I was quite surprised; happy of course, but surprised. We talked a bit but I think I just pushed her further away.
We IM'd throughout the day. Bottom line is that she thinks I'm a liar and she can't tolerate that. I protested that yes, I'd held stuff back (about my dating L) but only because I knew the full story would hurt her and could push us further apart. I felt I was between a rock and a hard place. Tell her everything and push her away. Withhold details with the chance of being found out and called a liar and push her away. How do I win?
I really thought yesterday was the end, so I told her about this blog. I thought maybe reading my thoughts would give her some insight into me, where my head's at. Might not have been a good idea. I know she read several posts here. She took some of my internal thoughts/dialogs as knocking her, as proof that I didn't understand what she was going through. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've always felt she seemed to have a clarity of thought that I don't have. When something happens, like not being able to talk because she has to run an errand, I have to process the information. Part of that process is to apply the event to me - how does it relate to me, affect me. (Here I mean the inner, selfish me.) So the thoughts might go something like this: She has to run an errand - why now? We could be talking during -this- time; we can't talk at -that- time. If she wanted to talk, wouldn't she run the errand during -that- time so saving -this- time for us to talk? Why doesn't she want to talk? What's that mean? Did I do something wrong? What's she doing that she wants to do more than spend time with me?
Anyway. I pleaded with her all afternoon to please not end this friendship, PLEASE. For all you people who are strong enough that when in this situation could say "fine, we tried" and move on, all I can say is "ain't me". I need her. I pleaded with her. I tried to reason with her. She's a very strong woman. She's told me many times in the past that when someone lies to her, that's it, she's done. And she has the internal strength, the fortitude to do that. Believe me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if she tells you she's done with you, you will not see her again.
She's forgiven me before for lying. Actually for lying about the same thing - my relationship with L. She's not inclined to forgive me again. I can understand that - logically. Yet with every ounce of energy I have I will beg and plead and hope that she can forgive me again. She told me that she doesn't think of me the same way anymore, doesn't feel the same way anymore. In fact that she feels -nothing- to, for or about me anymore. Try to imagine what that's like. Pick the one person in the world who means more to you than anyone else, the one person you love more than anyone else, and imagine them telling you that they feel nothing for you anymore, don't know that they ever could again, and are too tired to try again. If that scenario doesn't make you feel like you're in a vacuum with nothing and no one around you and no way out, then you haven't really experienced what I felt. Feel.
I'm panicked. I'm waiting for her call or IM today. If she doesn't contact me, I guess that'll be my answer as to whether or not she's willing to give me another chance. If she does, it's no guarantee that she will give me another chance, but at least we might be able to talk about it.
With every minute that ticks by I worry more and more that she's gone. I wish she'd call. I hope she'll give me, us, another chance.
I want her in my life.
B, if you read this, I want you in my life. Please.
Thursday I said something to B that pissed her off. She wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day except for a brief IM to say she had no time to talk. Same thing on Friday - she wouldn't talk to me, although she did call at the end of the day to say have a good weekend. She also said she was going to take some time alone, no talking... about a week. If you ever want to know terror, sheer fear of the future, that'll do it.
It was a very long weekend.
Monday morning, a brief call. I was quite surprised; happy of course, but surprised. We talked a bit but I think I just pushed her further away.
We IM'd throughout the day. Bottom line is that she thinks I'm a liar and she can't tolerate that. I protested that yes, I'd held stuff back (about my dating L) but only because I knew the full story would hurt her and could push us further apart. I felt I was between a rock and a hard place. Tell her everything and push her away. Withhold details with the chance of being found out and called a liar and push her away. How do I win?
I really thought yesterday was the end, so I told her about this blog. I thought maybe reading my thoughts would give her some insight into me, where my head's at. Might not have been a good idea. I know she read several posts here. She took some of my internal thoughts/dialogs as knocking her, as proof that I didn't understand what she was going through. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've always felt she seemed to have a clarity of thought that I don't have. When something happens, like not being able to talk because she has to run an errand, I have to process the information. Part of that process is to apply the event to me - how does it relate to me, affect me. (Here I mean the inner, selfish me.) So the thoughts might go something like this: She has to run an errand - why now? We could be talking during -this- time; we can't talk at -that- time. If she wanted to talk, wouldn't she run the errand during -that- time so saving -this- time for us to talk? Why doesn't she want to talk? What's that mean? Did I do something wrong? What's she doing that she wants to do more than spend time with me?
Anyway. I pleaded with her all afternoon to please not end this friendship, PLEASE. For all you people who are strong enough that when in this situation could say "fine, we tried" and move on, all I can say is "ain't me". I need her. I pleaded with her. I tried to reason with her. She's a very strong woman. She's told me many times in the past that when someone lies to her, that's it, she's done. And she has the internal strength, the fortitude to do that. Believe me, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if she tells you she's done with you, you will not see her again.
She's forgiven me before for lying. Actually for lying about the same thing - my relationship with L. She's not inclined to forgive me again. I can understand that - logically. Yet with every ounce of energy I have I will beg and plead and hope that she can forgive me again. She told me that she doesn't think of me the same way anymore, doesn't feel the same way anymore. In fact that she feels -nothing- to, for or about me anymore. Try to imagine what that's like. Pick the one person in the world who means more to you than anyone else, the one person you love more than anyone else, and imagine them telling you that they feel nothing for you anymore, don't know that they ever could again, and are too tired to try again. If that scenario doesn't make you feel like you're in a vacuum with nothing and no one around you and no way out, then you haven't really experienced what I felt. Feel.
I'm panicked. I'm waiting for her call or IM today. If she doesn't contact me, I guess that'll be my answer as to whether or not she's willing to give me another chance. If she does, it's no guarantee that she will give me another chance, but at least we might be able to talk about it.
With every minute that ticks by I worry more and more that she's gone. I wish she'd call. I hope she'll give me, us, another chance.
I want her in my life.
B, if you read this, I want you in my life. Please.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
I'm a Castaway...
As I said before, yesterday's last call with B didn't end so well. I'd been insensitive (unintentionally) to her feelings at a time when, I now believe, she was feeling sensitive about everything in our situation and hers.
She called for a moment this morning. The call probably didn't last 90 seconds.
Pleasant chat briefly, then I told her that I wanted to apologize for the way we ended yesterday, and while I was not intending to rehash it (which she hates; when it's done, it's done), I wanted her to know that I was sorry. I was sorry for being insensitive, for not picking up on her mood (something I often fail at, especially when I'm focused on something, like I was yesterday - getting her into the mood for some sex talk) and truthfully, I felt sorry for me and her that she had to go abruptly and we didn't get much time to talk.
She didn't respond to my comments, other than to say she was gonna go, bye. Then click and she was gone.
Fuck.
I'd sent her an IM shortly afterwards. A while later she logs on and sends me one message - that she "won't have time [to talk] today... have a good day/nite".
Double fuck.
Anytime I do something to put her off, or when we don't get along well, it's like a knife in my heart. But here she's telling me that she doesn't have time to talk. Period.
My mind is racing, imagining all sorts of bad things, reasons why. Maybe she's finally done with me. Did bf find something else out last night and is she cutting me off to insure that she can keep that relationship? Did I really ?insult? her so badly yesterday or this morning that she can't stand to talk to me? What else could I possibly have done that turned her off so much?
Fuck.
I'm panicking inside. Not primarily because I fear she's done with me (although that's certainly a factor) but mostly because of the unknown. What's in her head? What's going on? Did I do something wrong? Did something happen at home/with bf? Something happen at work? What's going on? This is very unlike her. She certainly has the self-discipline to close herself off but she's never done it like this.
Fuck.
It'd be so much easier if I didn't love her, if I didn't care. It'd be so much easier if she was single and seeing me... and I think we'd both be happier.
Fuck.
Where are you B? Please call....
She called for a moment this morning. The call probably didn't last 90 seconds.
Pleasant chat briefly, then I told her that I wanted to apologize for the way we ended yesterday, and while I was not intending to rehash it (which she hates; when it's done, it's done), I wanted her to know that I was sorry. I was sorry for being insensitive, for not picking up on her mood (something I often fail at, especially when I'm focused on something, like I was yesterday - getting her into the mood for some sex talk) and truthfully, I felt sorry for me and her that she had to go abruptly and we didn't get much time to talk.
She didn't respond to my comments, other than to say she was gonna go, bye. Then click and she was gone.
Fuck.
I'd sent her an IM shortly afterwards. A while later she logs on and sends me one message - that she "won't have time [to talk] today... have a good day/nite".
Double fuck.
Anytime I do something to put her off, or when we don't get along well, it's like a knife in my heart. But here she's telling me that she doesn't have time to talk. Period.
My mind is racing, imagining all sorts of bad things, reasons why. Maybe she's finally done with me. Did bf find something else out last night and is she cutting me off to insure that she can keep that relationship? Did I really ?insult? her so badly yesterday or this morning that she can't stand to talk to me? What else could I possibly have done that turned her off so much?
Fuck.
I'm panicking inside. Not primarily because I fear she's done with me (although that's certainly a factor) but mostly because of the unknown. What's in her head? What's going on? Did I do something wrong? Did something happen at home/with bf? Something happen at work? What's going on? This is very unlike her. She certainly has the self-discipline to close herself off but she's never done it like this.
Fuck.
It'd be so much easier if I didn't love her, if I didn't care. It'd be so much easier if she was single and seeing me... and I think we'd both be happier.
Fuck.
Where are you B? Please call....
Dunno. Dunno. Dunno
Tuesday with B was great. We had a couple of great calls, a little chat, and a nice end of day talk. We didn't get to talk till after 12 but the rest of the day was fun, light - like we've been before.
Yesterday we talked early then didn't get to talk again till we chatted at about 3pm. She was able to call for a while after 5 and we talked a bit. Then she had to go, called back, said her ride was on the way and she had to go, then poof! gone.
The abrupt departure wouldn't have been so bad, but the afternoon chat didn't go so well. We were doing fine and then I tried to get her a little distracted with sex. I wasn't going to try to get us there for full blown sex talk, but really just wanted to turn her on a little. I sent her a paragraph from a little fantasy I'd written recently. She told me that "now wasn't a good time for that". I'd kinda guessed it, but I've always had (and she's always admitted that I have) a knack for getting her in the mood even if she doesn't think she is open to it.
Not yesterday. I made a comment that "it's tough on a guy when she's no longer interested." My impression was that I'd just made a sex-related comment at a time when she wasn't open to it. I struck deeper than that though. She's been concerned that she's losing interest in sex - with bf, with me, just in general. She clearly took my comment about "it's tough" as though I was not sensitive to her state of mind; not just at the moment, but her deeper malaise toward sex. I knew how much she felt I wasn't concerned about the impact of all this on her when she said "it's tough on a gal when -she's- no longer interested".
I wanted to tell her that of course I wasn't discounting her deeper thoughts - how could I have known those were troubling her at that time? I was simply making a comment, self-centered admittedly, that -I- felt rejected because she didn't respond to me. How could I have known that my sex attempt struck her much deeper than the immediate?
It already bothers me immensely that she feels her sex drive is in remission. She's so sexual, so sensual, so open minded to and about sex, she enjoys it so much - it concerns me a great deal that she's feeling so non-sexual lately. I know the reasons and it all comes down to ... me. She's really not happy at home, in her relationship with bf. She's not unhappy to the extent that it's onerous or that it's a bad environment, but she is unhappy. She doesn't look forward to going home or to being with him. She's confident that he's actively trying to catch her doing something wrong (like talking to me). She feels she can't do anything alone because he accuses her of trying to call me or something, so she goes out of her way to always make sure that no matter what she's doing she includes him, asks him along.
She loves to run. Like many, it's a time of escape, of solitude, a time to be alone with your thoughts and no outside distractions. She feels she has to always have him come along now - and so has lost all interest in running. It's no longer a pleasant time for her - it's another chore.
She's very concerned, freaked almost, about leaving him alone at home, so she won't stay (very) late at work. She's afraid he's digging, trying to find more stuff, more stuff, more stuff to confront her with. First he spent a lot of time looking for me - name and number searches, etc. Now she thinks he's searching more for her - trying to catch her. He hammers her (my term, not hers) every day wanting to know if she's been good.
She tells me she has nothing in her life to look forward to. Can you even imagine how that makes me feel, on many levels? First, she's my friend. I want her to be happy, to have things she wants to do, looks forward to. I was happy when she started running regularly again after a long break. It feels to me like she sees her life as "gray". No high points, nothing to look forward to. I don't want my friend to live like that.
The two sides of me (friend and wanna be lover) both want very much for her to be happy, to get back her spark, to get back her interest, her hunger for sex. She's too young to be unhappy like this. Obviously my two sides want different outcomes for how she overcomes this down period. Even if I can't have her, I truly want her to be happy.
Yesterday we talked early then didn't get to talk again till we chatted at about 3pm. She was able to call for a while after 5 and we talked a bit. Then she had to go, called back, said her ride was on the way and she had to go, then poof! gone.
The abrupt departure wouldn't have been so bad, but the afternoon chat didn't go so well. We were doing fine and then I tried to get her a little distracted with sex. I wasn't going to try to get us there for full blown sex talk, but really just wanted to turn her on a little. I sent her a paragraph from a little fantasy I'd written recently. She told me that "now wasn't a good time for that". I'd kinda guessed it, but I've always had (and she's always admitted that I have) a knack for getting her in the mood even if she doesn't think she is open to it.
Not yesterday. I made a comment that "it's tough on a guy when she's no longer interested." My impression was that I'd just made a sex-related comment at a time when she wasn't open to it. I struck deeper than that though. She's been concerned that she's losing interest in sex - with bf, with me, just in general. She clearly took my comment about "it's tough" as though I was not sensitive to her state of mind; not just at the moment, but her deeper malaise toward sex. I knew how much she felt I wasn't concerned about the impact of all this on her when she said "it's tough on a gal when -she's- no longer interested".
I wanted to tell her that of course I wasn't discounting her deeper thoughts - how could I have known those were troubling her at that time? I was simply making a comment, self-centered admittedly, that -I- felt rejected because she didn't respond to me. How could I have known that my sex attempt struck her much deeper than the immediate?
It already bothers me immensely that she feels her sex drive is in remission. She's so sexual, so sensual, so open minded to and about sex, she enjoys it so much - it concerns me a great deal that she's feeling so non-sexual lately. I know the reasons and it all comes down to ... me. She's really not happy at home, in her relationship with bf. She's not unhappy to the extent that it's onerous or that it's a bad environment, but she is unhappy. She doesn't look forward to going home or to being with him. She's confident that he's actively trying to catch her doing something wrong (like talking to me). She feels she can't do anything alone because he accuses her of trying to call me or something, so she goes out of her way to always make sure that no matter what she's doing she includes him, asks him along.
She loves to run. Like many, it's a time of escape, of solitude, a time to be alone with your thoughts and no outside distractions. She feels she has to always have him come along now - and so has lost all interest in running. It's no longer a pleasant time for her - it's another chore.
She's very concerned, freaked almost, about leaving him alone at home, so she won't stay (very) late at work. She's afraid he's digging, trying to find more stuff, more stuff, more stuff to confront her with. First he spent a lot of time looking for me - name and number searches, etc. Now she thinks he's searching more for her - trying to catch her. He hammers her (my term, not hers) every day wanting to know if she's been good.
She tells me she has nothing in her life to look forward to. Can you even imagine how that makes me feel, on many levels? First, she's my friend. I want her to be happy, to have things she wants to do, looks forward to. I was happy when she started running regularly again after a long break. It feels to me like she sees her life as "gray". No high points, nothing to look forward to. I don't want my friend to live like that.
The two sides of me (friend and wanna be lover) both want very much for her to be happy, to get back her spark, to get back her interest, her hunger for sex. She's too young to be unhappy like this. Obviously my two sides want different outcomes for how she overcomes this down period. Even if I can't have her, I truly want her to be happy.
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