using or being used?

she is my love, my life, my future.

i don't know why, but she wants me. i'm not sure i care why, other than to be cautious that it's actually -me- that she wants, not revenge or some image of me that doesn't exist.

she is my heart and my soul and my love and my life.

i have no doubt, none, that all of my life that has transpired before, all that i've been through, all that i've been and done and seen and experienced, all the pain and the pleasure, all the emptiness and the loneliness that i've experienced before now, all of that was designed, intended, to bring me to this point, to bring me to her.

i know this to be true. how, i don't know. but looking back, looking at all that's transpired to bring us to this point, it has to be true. there's no other explanation.

so much has happened in the last few weeks.

and yet, we find ourselves right back at the beginning. where we both know, and acknowledge, that we belong.

there is no future for me other than with her. none. it's like those ?Final Destination? movies where, no matter how they cheat Death, it has a way of catching up to them. and in our case, no matter how I fuck up (for it is usually me that fucks up), the universe has a way of putting -us- back together. actually, it's always -me- that fucks up. her only error has been waiting too long, when she knew our time was -here-, knew it was time to act. 

she sent me pics tonight. that in itself isn't unusual, as she's sent me many pics recently. but these, which, g-d i wish i could post to share her beauty with the world, are exceptional. her beauty shines through. she is so gorgeous. so beautiful, so innocently pretty.. even as i know she'd look the same way (and did look the same way) as the 20th guy in the room stepped up to fuck her in her biggest gangbang.  she is a slut at heart; and i love her. she will soon, g-d willing, be -my- slut, and i too will have her gangbanged. i will give her away to other men who don't even know her name (other than to call her "cunt" or "slut")  to fuck. i will hand her off to a room full of men to use as they would use a purchased whore. and through it all, she will shine. her face will be as beautiful as the pics she sent me tonight. and when i take her from that room and i hold her in my arms, and i tell her that she is -my- slut, -my- cunt, the love will flow between us. for she knows, in her heart and in her soul, that she is a slut. and i know it too. and my love for her grows with each man that fucks her. 

why, you might wonder? because when they have finished, when they have pulled their limp cocks from her pussy or her mouth, thinking that they have conquered something, she and i will know that it is -they- who have been used, they who have been but props in -our- play. because after they have used her cunt, after they have been given permission to cum in her mouth and on her tits and in her mouth, it is -me- that she will be with. it is -me-, her Master, that will take her in arm, caress her, shower her, clean her up and love her, it is her and I that will relive the experience and bask in what -we- took from it. she will leave the gangband with her head high, her pussy sated, her need satisfied. i will leave the gangbang with my slut, with my cunt, with the woman that i love. and together we will know that -we- have used them, for they are but props, placeholders in the life and the love that we share. 

she is a slut at heart, yes. and even on her own she would fuck ten or twenty or thirty guys. but together, we will do more. together, we will feed on the base lust of those bit players. together we will feed -her- lust, and mine, and like vampires, we will feed on them. 

together.

they will never know her name, never know her as anything other than "cunt" or "slut". and we will never know them as anything other than -props- in our life, in our erotic journey, in the life that she and i will share. they may thing they have scored for having fucked another cunt. when in actuality it will be -us- who has taken from them what -we- wanted. 

they will leave and go back to whatever existence they led before. and we will continue on in our lives, in our shared life, and we will grow on the energy that -we- took from -them-.

and together, we grow. stronger and stronger. 

and more together than ever.

believe me when i tell you that it is -us- who is using them, for our pleasure.

i know this to be true

why can't i make her happy? it used to be so easy - pleasing her was one of the great joys of my life and i was able to do so often. It's still my joy to please her - but i so seldom seem to be able to anymore. 

i try. but i want her so desperately, need her so much, that i pull and pull at her and all she sees is that i'm pulling at her. she can't see the reasons behind it, can't see that it's with the best of intentions, won't see the love and care and tenderness that's the root of everything i do and want to do for her.

it's so frustrating, in every way. maybe i'm off in fantasy land or something, but i can so -clearly- see how our lives could be so different. but it takes the certainty that -i- have that if she would let us be together, that we'd work it out. but just as strongly certain as i am that we would work is how strongly deadset she is against giving us the opportunity to try.

i would probably get kicked out of the "guy club" for my views on how our relationship would be, but fuck it - don't much care for the club anyway. our love would grow back to where it was. mine for her is still there, as strong as or stronger than ever, but she has none. doesn't have any love for me or us and can only barely remember it as a memory of something she once wanted. 

i can so clearly see how we would grow and heal and progress toward the -us- that we are destined to be; the us we'd be well on our way toward being, had i been able to keep my cock in my pants. i can so clearly see how we'd be. Not that it would be easy street, not by a long shot. We'd have hard days, some very hard days. But together we'd get past them. And we'd heal and grow, together. and the bad days would be less and less frequent, although they may never go away altogether. but what couple doesn't have bad days? more importantly, -we- would grow and grow closer. our love and our like would grow and grow and deepen and mature. i feel this, i know this, i see this, i believe it - with every fiber of my body, with every bit of my heart, with all that i am, i know this to be true.

i know all this to be true. i just do.

she knows that she can't stand to be in the same room with me.

but the thing is..

none of it matters. 

i know me. not as well as i should, that's apparent. and not as well as she does - she said some things about me yesterday that were bang-on on target, but that i'd never thought of before. 

i used to know her that well. until i hurt her and she changed herself. and now she won't let me know her again. doesn't want me to know her.

but still, i know some things about me. and i know that i will play the fool, again and again. and i'll let her hurt me, to the core, whether it's done intentionally or not. i'll let her rip my heart out and gleefully shred it, time after time. i know that every time she tells me (or doesn't) that she's seeing her master, sucking him at lunch or fucking him when hubby's out of town, that no matter how much i think i can't take it anymore, that i will take it. and come back for more.

because i know how i feel for her and about her. i know the love for her that's in my heart. i know the passion and desire for her that fills me.

i KNOW that she and i are destined to be together. she says she knows it too but that too much has happened and she doesn't see that destiny being fulfilled anymore. (that is, she will prevent it from happening.)

i know that i will chase her and wait for her until i die. 

i know that when she finally makes it clear that there is absolutely no way she will ever let me into her heart again that i will be ready to die at that point.

she's making her argument, her position, her absolute, unchangeable "no" clearer and clearer.

i really need to watch "Leaving Las Vegas" again. nicholas cage, at the end of his proverbial rope, decides to kill him self by drinking himself to death in 30 days. well, i've been practicing, that's for damn sure. i don't know if 30 days is doable. but thirty months is. and seems like a pretty realistic timeframe.

is it happy hour yet? oh, right there are no more happy hours for me. just unhappy ones. unhappy hours, days, weeks, months, years. an unhappy life. all caused by me. because i didn't believe my love when she finally told me she was ready. because i couldn't keep my cock in my fucking pants.

what kind of fool am i?

the worst kind, apparently. the kind that -knows- what to expect, dreads it, but asks for it anyway. the kind that continues to play the fool, even knowing his role.

we all play that role at various times in our lives, to varying degrees. but, i've never played the role to this degree. and yet, i know that i've barely scratched the surface of what i'll endure. because the (potential) reward for the role is the ultimate prize, the ultimate reward - her. and i know what i feel for her inside - so i know what i'll endure to have her, if that's even possible anymore.

i felt bad yesterday because i delayed her leaving her office when she was in pain and only wanted to get home. i felt -bad-, although i continued to engage her in conversation. she called a couple hours later, having just gotten home. "from errands", she said. of course, i know what the "errand" was. it was her on her knees, servicing her master. it was her bent over, begging for more pain from him. i felt bad, thinking i'd delayed her getting home, when actually she stayed until it was time to go meet him. fool check #1.

during a conversation some time ago, i thought she indicated to me that she was no longer seeing him. i didn't focus on it, because i kind of didn't believe it, despite wanting it to be true more than anything else. and she's kind of confirmed my thoughts that perhaps she was no longer seeing him. fool check #2.

and here's the biggest one of all and the one that landed us here. after -years- (literally, years) of waiting for her, begging her, courting her, wanting her to share her life with me, when she was finally ready, when she finally invited me to her, to -begin- our being together, i got caught fucking a whore. fool check #3. fool check-mate. 

game set match.

now she wants nothing to do with me. 

i chased her for four years and she wouldn't even see me. she met and decided to fuck her master in 30 minutes. 

and the really interesting part? this might really be the telltale indication of just how much of a fool i am... i'm hoping that she'll want to see me tomorrow and friday, on my way to my next city/job. i mean, what the fuck? -really??-  but yeah, really. there's nothing i hope for more than that she'll want it too. or maybe even -suggest- it, bring it up first. 

and even beyond that? i'm hopeful that she can somehow see a future for -us-. 

and give up her master.

and want me, once again, as her Master.

and want to share our lives, our friendship, our intimacy. the unique friendship and intimacy that has been the cornerstone of our relationship. 

i'm thinking that being able to stomach being in the same room probably has to occur first. 

is it a lot to ask?

why can't i win her heart back? why can i not reclaim my place in her life and in her heart?

she still laughs with me. we still have conversations unlike what either of us has with anyone else. (unless she has them with her master/lover, which i'm still not sure about).

-i- feel we connect on a different level than with other people; or at least i do with her. i know she used to feel the same way... but that was -before-.

in the meantime the roller coaster ride continues... from elation and hope to despair and hopelessness. 

is what i want really such a big thing? after all, all i want is for her to forgive me for betraying her and abandoning her, then to take me back, then to leave her new husband and her comfortable life, give up her lover/master and want me to own her again, to want -me- to be her Master again and try to live with me. for the rest of our lives...

is that really asking so much?

the devil is in the details, isn't it?

isn't that what they say, that the devil is in the details?

she, my beloved B, has told me many times that i favor the big statement, the sweeping generalization, the absolute of anything she says. 

on the other hand, she has always maintained that i should pay attention to the specifics of what she says, pay attention to her actions and what they signify, that her intentions and her desires are evident in the little things she says and does, if only i would pay attention.

and yet, it's the little things she says that really hurt, that point out to me, again and again, the level of the hurt in her heart, the degree of the pain and the betrayal that i put on her. and the level of her resistance to a future that includes an "us".

which brings us to today. we were discussing a book that we're close to finishing up and as we usually do we were in an interesting and engaging conversation about our book. the day had gone well, for the most part. she had laughed, giggled even, and our conversation had been full and interesting and at the same level of intensity as we've ever been. as we meandered away from the book, we talked about many other things, including food.

one of the things she's always ribbed me about is chicken fried steak; something i like and that she claims to have never had. 

today, again, she said she'd never eaten it. feeling close to her (as i tend to do most of the time), i said "maybe the first time you ever have it will be with me". 

and then the devil reared his head.

"I'll NEVER eat chicken fried steak" she said, fairly emphatically. and in a softer voice "you can't say things like that".

"I'll NEVER eat [it]". just like that. a tiny statement, a small part of our conversation. 

and yet, it carried far more impact, far more emphasis, far more -certainty- than had she yelled it from the rooftop.

"maybe the first time you ever have it will be with -me-".

"I'll NEVER eat [it]". 

fin. fact. question asked and answered. 

NEVER. 

not "maybe". not "that'd be fun". not "perhaps".

NEVER. not with you, not with my husband, not with my lover, not with friends or family or strangers. but mostly, NOT WITH YOU (me).

i've told her that -i- am ready to take up with her, where we left off. i know she can't do that, that the reason i can do it is because -i- did the hurting, i'm the one who hurt her, not the other way around. she can barely stand to be in the same room with me for 15 minutes. so it's no surprise that the thought of being physical with me would still be beyond comprehension for her. and that my offer of having her leave her bf/husband, immediately, now, and marry me, now, for good, for life, for better or worse, is as inconceivable to her, as meaningless to her as a copy of the dictionary written in swahili. the swahili dictionary, at least, she could find some use for, find some value in.

but not so with regard to a life with me.

"I'll NEVER eat chicken fried steak".

NEVER.

she says -i- always emphasize the absolute.

NEVER. there's not much more emphasis needed on NEVER, is there?

the law of disproportionate feelings

i should write a theorem about the "law of disproportionate feelings" (or impressions). hm. okay, i guess that's what -this- is ;-)

i hurt B, the woman i love, my soulmate, my beschert (meaning "intended") more than anyone could ever have believed. more than anyone who loves another could ever, under the wildest, most unimaginable circumstances, ever do to the one they love. 

now, i'm trying to find a way back into her life, which is where i want to be. it's where i want to live, to love, to die.

she's having a hard time with it; not even sure it's something she's willing to entertain. or even able to, even if she decided she did want it.

so what happens is the law of disproportionate feelings. the disproportionate part relates to her feelings and change in feelings vs my feelings and change in feelings.

i believe that i can influence her - somewhat. actually a very tiny amount. any other "positive" change in her feelings for me or for us has to originate from her, from within her. this may occur in response to something i do, but it originates from within her. and in reaction to HUGE changes in me, or in response to VERY good times that she and i might have (whether in chat or email or on the phone or even in person), there's a very small change in her feelings toward me and/or us. 

on the other side of the equation, she can definitely influence me - with the tiniest action. everything she does and says and every action and every word, every comment, every laugh, every vocal inflection is revisited and evaluated and dissected to see if it means -anything- about how she's feeling about -us-, if there's any change in her heart. a tiny thing, THE TINIEST thing that she might do that feels like kindness or softening of her heart toward us and i'm literally -awash- in elation and good feelings and hope.

disproportionate feelings. huge changes in "us" = very small change (if any) in her. small things from her = HUGE changes in my feelings for her/us/my hope.

for example, we met again last week, twice. those were the 5th and 6th times we've ever been within close proximity of each other and actually -talked- not on the phone. on friday, she even let me into her office; we were in the same physical space. close enough to touch, to hold each other, to kiss - if that were something she could do. she couldn't - in fact, had to ask me to go outside after a while. regardless, between the visits the week before, and the chats and talks we'd had, and those visits and the emotional times we'd had while talking... all that had a HUGE impact on me. HUGE. they were at once difficult and good and welcome. and to me, to my wishful thinking, very significant.

and yet...

next week i start a new job in a new city. just like the last three jobs i've started while i've known B, i worry about having time to talk during the day, time to chat. given our situation now, i'm even more worried. 

chatting may be an issue, we just don't know yet whether chat will be possible at the new company. if not, there's always chatting via the phone, like at my last place, but that's less than optimal. better than nothing though and i'm glad to have it.

talking could be an issue. she doesn't have my phone anymore. she goes out for lunch everyday, an hour that we used to always talk. what she does now i don't really know. i suspect she sees her lover but i'm not sure that's true. perhaps she simply gets away from the office, runs errands, i don't know. i can't ask her to stay in her office, because everyone needs to get away for awhile. she doesn't have my phone anymore... but i do. i even brought it with me last week when i went to see her. i knew it was too soon to offer it to her. well, not too soon for me to offer, but too soon for her to take it, too soon for her to even consider it. i knew it and didn't say anything about it to her. but i hope that time will come soon. if she could do it, it'd give us time again. time we used to have - her commute to/from work, lunch, weekends. any impromptu time she might find to call for a few minutes.

my new job is near her. well, not CLOSE but nearer than i've been to her since the first few months we knew each other. -we're- farther apart than we've ever been, but physically closer than ever. 

and yet... we're close too. there's still this seemingly impenetrable wall of defense she's put up against me, between us. but it's a variable wall. sometimes it's taller or thicker than at other times. sometimes it's not as solid as at other times. sometimes she lets me scramble up the outside and peer in at her, lets me reach my hand toward her. other times she lowers the rampart, so that we can see each other across the top of the wall. sometimes she stands in the open doorway, not passing through it to my side nor letting me pass through, but she stands in the doorway as we talk. 

i can see her, closely guarding her heart. but my heart -feels- her heart... and i believe her heart is talking to mine... 

i have to believe that. otherwise, there's no future.

brave new world?

what do i talk about without the fear of jinxing what we've accomplished so far?

i've talked before about her character and the strength she has inside. but now i've been able to -see- it at work. up close. in person.

despite her fears/concerns, she said i could see her again last week. right there, the very fact that she could broach the subject and let me know that if i wanted to come up to her area, we could talk, more or less in person. 

every speeding law known to man was broken to get to her.

thursday was hard. like the week before, she was unable to let me into her office but we talked from within sight of each other. that in itself was a big step for her. i loved it, despite being so close and yet so far, because a) i could see her and b) we were talking. talking, almost in person, but TALKING. during conversation, her defenses rose and fell, sometimes visibly, sometimes i wasn't aware of it until she "stiff armed" me in the chest to push me away. but nevertheless, we were talking again.

she about killed me when it came time to leave though. i was in my car, gathering my wits and my breath. i wanted to watch her leave. i know this might sound stalker-ish, but it wasn't. the sight of her is like a narcotic to me. her curves, her walk, her face, her hair. she hadn't let me see much of her during conversation. in fact, she even said that while i was in the area, she was dressing "covered up", making sure (subconsciously?) that i didn't get to see -her-, didn't get to see her sexy self, her body; shielding herself from me. anyway, i wanted to see her, see her walk, see her -whole-. she wouldn't come out. finally she called me and said she WOULD NOT leave until i was gone. i snapped; completely lost it. i was blind with pain, with rage, with hurt, with remorse, with the painful knowledge of what i've done to her. i remember tearing out of the parking lot. the next thing i remember is pulling into a parking lot and a car honking at me. it was her. she said i was driving erratically, nearly hitting curbs and other cars. i know i was zoned, but i can't really say. the thing that i remember about the whole thing? that she was concerned about me.

friday's conversation was much the same and yet very, very different.

we talked and the conversation was different than thursday. easier somehow, although still difficult at times. (something that will continue to be a part of our conversation for years to come, i'm sure.) the amazing thing? she let me into her office. for only the second time in the 4.5 years we've known each other, we were in the same room, talking person to person, not over the phone. this may sound ?insignificant? to other people, even ridiculous to some, but for us, for -me-, it was huge. HUGE. especially given her hurt and state of mind and the level of guard that she's maintaining when dealing with me. 

what does this mean? i don't know, honestly. in some ways, i'm afraid to think about it, for fear of jinxing any future possibilities. on the other hand, i still firmly believe that she and i will be together, permanently, as partners. we -belong- together. she says it too, although the hurt in her heart and soul make her question if, despite being -destined- for each other, there's been too much hurt done (to her, by me) to get past. i cannot accept that. i know the hurt and the pain that i've caused her and us; it's with me all the time. but talking to her, seeing her, reinforces for me that we are meant to be together. as i've said many times before - she is my beschert, my intended. and i believe that i am hers.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

self-restraint only goes so far... only works so long for me... unlike for her.

she seems able to keep herself restrained.

so far i've managed to not push her to see me on thursday and friday, days which are convenient, i think for both of us. good for me because i'm not working and could easily drive to her area for the two days... we could have lunch, after work, maybe even some of the evening depending on bf, then lunch and after work again on friday... so, yeah, convenient for me and easily doable for her.

but she doesn't seem interested in (or able to) getting together those days. still too hard for her to take.

too hard. fuck. too hard to meet and talk?

and the internal pressure to ask her, beg her, plead with her to please reconsider, to please give us this time to be together, to spend some time together.

fuck.

we should have been LIVING together right now. instead, she can't even stand to be in the same room with me. can't handle seeing me two weeks in a row.

fuck.

yeah, that was me

and what will today bring? i start on edge already, knowing how her yesterday was, wondering where her head will be today. will i be a good thing in her day today or a drain on her energy?

the nights get longer and longer knowing she's there, a million miles away. consuming prodigious amounts of alcohol used to help, now it just makes the nights darker. and longer. and darker. and longer.

and then there's thursday and friday looming on the horizon. well, -my- horizon, as they don't seem to be on hers. two days when we could spend several hours together. if she wasn't seeing her lover. if she had any interest in seeing me. if she could stand to be in the same room with me.

if i hadn't destroyed her trust, her faith, her love, her soul.

yeah... -I- did that. the crowning fucking accomplishment of a stellar fucking life. the ultimate betrayal of the woman who -owned- my heart. and she was betrayed by the one person in the world who she should never have been worried about... the person who swore he'd never hurt her.

yeah, that was me.

and ... so?

she had one of those days today... she needed "ease" from me, no pressures, no heartache, nothing but comfort and support. and yet again, for the 598th time, i failed at providing it.

to be honest, i don't think i completely failed her. what tends to happen is that i do support her, but my needs, my wants, my need for her and for support from her overshadow what i do give her, to the point where it's completely nullified and she doesn't see or feel it at all. so she doesn't feel it, which means she pulls back because she feels as though she's not getting from me what -she- needs (which is true insofar as she's not getting enough of what she needs), so then i feel her pullback, which means -i- feel isolated and unloved, which makes me put more of -my- needs in the foreground, which .... blah blah blah, neverending circle.

the net result of which is that she doesn't get what she needs.

looking back, i realize that i have NEVER failed to fail her. you name it, i've failed at giving her the support she needed from me.

and i wonder why she won't let me back into her life, into her -self-.. into her heart.

it feels hopeless. i've so often failed her, failed to give her what she needed... and she so seldom ever really -needs- any support. but i've consistently failed her. is it any wonder she's reluctant to let me back into her life, as her friend, her lover, her partner? it's almost laughable to think that i want to be all those to her again... and more... for i still long to be her husband.

and she's not even able to sit in the same room with me.

we were so close to having every thing we both wanted. so close. days, literally, days away from it. and i failed her there too.

fuck.

it's so easy to love her. so easy to love everything about her.

when she does finally reject me... i'll be done, finished. unable to take it, to carry on without her.

and why should i?

i'm so lost, so confused

i was on a long road trip last week, changing my city from where i was working (and from where i lost B) to my home city.

B and I talked a lot last week; talk and chat. and she even consented to seeing me on thursday and friday.

she -saw- me... we talked, face to face. and it was good, damn good. it was light and good and easy... for me at least.. i know there were times it was hard on her. but i also saw many times when it was (dare i say) good for her too, when she enjoyed our time together.

she seemed to enjoy it. got to hear her laugh. see her smile. hear lightness in her voice.

and today... monday. and she starts pulled back. and stressed by juggling too many balls at once. and i'm no help to her.

i used to be. before i betrayed her trust, her faith, her love.

the double standard

so, i was right. she's having nothing to do with me. because i lied to protect her.

and then it occurred to me what a fucking double standard she's applying. because she NEVER lies. no sir.

she hasn't lied to him in the 10-12 years of their 14 year relationship when she tells him she loves him but really doesn't. or the countless times she lied to cover talking to me, even after she got caught. and she certainly didn't lie when she told him she loved him enough to finally -want- to get married. and she doesn't lie to him when she sucks her lovers' cock at lunch or fucks him when bf is out of town.

no. she never lies. it might -appear-, to someone who doesn't know any better, that those are all lies and that she's done them for a single reason - to avoid hurting bf.

yes, it might appear as though those are much larger lies, done to intentionally deceive someone in order to get away with things. or, you might think that she's lying to protect bf from being hurt.

such an easy mistake to make! no, those aren't lies at all. when i lied about the two -tiny- things in order to protect her from unnecessary pain, THOSE were lies. and as she said to me this morning: "but they're so basic and simple. go to the foundation of a relationship".

indeed.

she never lies. not for any reason, not to protect anyone's feelings. and if she does, i'm sure it's justifiable.

just not in my case.

the mundane amidst the unusual

so we know from my last post what the topic of the day is. i'm still undecided. that in itself bothers me because, well, im a world-class procrastinator. one pill down and the first strong drink about gone. right now we're at the getting a good buzz stage.

so, the mundane amidst the unusual. contemplating suicide (i hate that word for some reason, but it's too fucking long to say "taking my own life"). to be honest, i suspect it won't happen. anyway, even knowing that's where tonight could wind up, i still did laundry. and went to the grocery store because i needed coffee and milk. how fucking bizarre is that?

geez.

teh mind is an unusual machine, that's for damn sure. that it can contemplate ending it all in order to stop the pain, -know- what the implications are, like, uh, probably won't need much coffee, much less a gallon of milk, and still plan out thoughts like "gotta get bigger boxes to ship some things, do a change of address and get coffee".

to be honest, i probably won't do it. i'm chicken. not that i'm afraid it'll hurt, because it wouldn't. a few weeks ago i did have a gun in my hands, pondering the same thing, but i gotta think that -that- would hurt, even if only for a second. and what a mess for someone to have to clean up. i always thought (yeah, it's occured to me several times over the last 10 years or so) maybe i'd lay down with my head in a metal bucket or in the tub to keep the mess down.

the other reason is that i want to talk to her again, if she's gonna talk to me. i suspect she won't but there's always a chance. and if not, i know i'd write her a few times and maybe she'd respond, although if she's not talking she almost assuredly won't be replying to email. i'm like the rat in the third group that i wrote about a few weeks ago. i can keep hoping and hoping and hoping that she'll give me some attention. maybe even some love.. (hey, it's my fantasy).

and also, haven't i hurt her enough? even though she'd know that it was my decision and my action, she'd put some ?blame? on her self.... and i can't have that. i've already put more hurt into her heart, more pain in her soul than anyone should ever have to bear... this would just add to it. what a Catch-22; want to die because i've hurt her so badly she can't stand me and i can't live without her, but doing so would put more hurt on her.

fuck. how did i get here? and how could i have ever hurt her so much? g-d, please tell me that you have a reason for all this. please tell me that she's supposed to endure this because it'll all turn out better for her in the long run.

only a day later than i thought

i've been called self-destructive by many people... my mother, both my ex-wives, friends, work-friends, a couple of people who barely qualified as acquaintances, a therapist and by B, my former best friend. I say former because she doesn't consider me a friend any more.

i suppose i've always agreed with that diagnosis. i've had a lifelong affair with drugs, although fortunately it's always been under control, never more of an "issue" really than cigarette smoking. it's certainly never affected my work, or caused lost time or accidents or lost jobs or anything like that; it's always been recreational. many would call that self-destructive behavior, although i don't. ditto for drinking; i've always had a pretty high tolerance for drink, and i enjoy it. here too, i've never had a dui/dwi, or alcohol related accident or lost time, or any of that.

social behaviors, however, have been a problem and continue to be. what do i mean by that, you might ask. at work, i'm frequently a go-getter, so long as i'm interested in what i'm doing. let boredom creep in and i lose interest. the same thing happened in high school; i was bored so i didn't apply myself, only going to college when career advancement required it and by then i was interested in learning, had an appetite for it, the coursework was interesting and therefore i applied myself.

but what i'm specifically getting at is something different and here, there are two things that i tie together in my mind, the combination of which gets me in trouble. often. today, it ended the relationship i most value in this world, my relationship with B. it's hard even to call it a full relationship, because after what i did in october, we've been apart and for the last three months i've been working, hard, to get her to try to take another look at me, at us, and see if she might somehow come around to giving us another try.

i cannot handle confrontation. period. plain and simple. it locks me up, freezes me, affects my mind, makes me unable to function almost. also, i'm really a pretty nice guy. i never try to hurt anyones' feelings, or cause anyone any unnecessary hurt. i think that's something that most of us do and to do that we often tell "little white lies", we don't tell details that may unnecessarily hurt someone else, especially someone we care for.

so, for the sake of any regular readers (hehe, of which there are none, except for me), i'll spare the retelling of the recent rocky history of my relationship with B. i've said many times that i honestly believe that she is the woman that i was destined to live the rest of my life with. she believed it too, up until late last year.

B and i did not have an in person relationship. for over four years we've been chat, email and phone, although we did finally meet in june of last year. i left my wife shortly after i met B and have been pursuing her wholeheartedly for the last four+ years. during this time, B continued in her long time relationship with her live in lover/partner. during this same period, i was single, and found a couple of adult relationships. these always troubled B, understandably. on the one hand i completely understood how she felt about my fuck buddies; on the other hand, i'm not sure she completely understood how her refusal to meet me for so long, and the ongoing live in relationship that she was in affected me. basically, i felt that she told me "no" to meeting, to starting -our- in person relationship over a thousand times.

so, during those fb relationships, i didn't tell B everything. first off it was hard because in a lot of ways i felt guilty for having them when what i really wanted was to be with B. second, the details hurt her, a lot, and more than once caused us to "break up", or nearly. so, i obscured many details. which means, i lied.

there's different types of lying and different intents. there's malicious lying - where you tell someone something that isn't true, just to hurt them. NEVER tolerate someone who does this. there's lying to "get away with" something bad or that you shouldn't be doing. of these, ones' -intent- needs to be taken into account, i believe. lies told with "malice aforethought", ie, with the intent and planning to get away with something, are bad. and then there's the white lie, which for all intents and purposes is harmless and usually intended to spare someone else some unnecessary hurt. i will say that most of the lies that i told B were in this category; lies about stuff that ultimately would mean nothing, but that would have hurt her, for the time being, and possibly caused her to pull back or even break off our relationship.

i have done both with B. i had a relationship with another woman, which B knew about. she wasn't happy, but tolerated it because of our unique situation. i let that relationship encompass things, emotional, mental and physical things, which were sacred to B and i, things that she and I shared, that belonged to her and I, that we discovered together. but i let some of those things creep into the fwb relationship that i had with this other woman. and then i lied about it to B. why did i lie? first and foremost, because i wanted, needed to keep my relationship with B. as i said, i firmly believe that she and i are destined to live out days out, together. i lied because i'd been caught, been called out for taking those things away from my relationship with B and bringing them into this other relationship. and i lied because telling the truth to B was too hard for me to admit and to try to avoid hurting B more than she already was.

for the record, it doesn't work ultimately, the effects are ten times worse than if you just deal with the truth and the fallout from that when it happens. but that's a hard lesson to learn, no matter how many times you get beat over the head with it.

now, some people will say that lying is lying. period. B is one of those people. to her it doesn't really matter if you white lie about whether or not you drank right from the milk carton, or if you lie about fucking other people. a lie is a lie is a lie. intent is not a factor. severity is not a factor. a lie is a lie is a lie. and she cannot tolerate it. period.

and so we come to where we are today, or more accurately, where we were yesterday. i know B damn well. she says i don't know her much now because of how much what i did in october changed her, but i say i do still know her. and while she was maintaining her distance and keeping me at arms' length and not admitting that she had any interest in rekindling our relationship, i knew that there -had- to be some spark of interest left in her, some hope of an "us" again, otherwise, why would she put up with the constant reminders of the pain i caused her? why would she talk to someone who did to her what i did to her?

so, fast forward to today. it's been a almost a month since i broke up with the other woman to try to get back to where i belong - with B. i haven't had much contact with her, but some; the reason isn't important, but even B concedes that some contact seemed prudent. however, i lied to B about something trivial - how the woman contacted me, i think. and something else, which was that i left out something the woman wrote in a card to me. in both cases, on a scale of 1 to 10 in importance, they were zero's.

but the thing that stands out the most is that i lied. and when i've been begging B to continue to talk, to take it a day at a time, to see that i've changed, i said i wouldn't lie to her. but i did. and here again, intent or "scale" isn't important. the point is that i lied.

deal breaker. end of story.

she's done.

she wrote me, briefly, and confirmed what i'd hoped had been true.. that there was a spark, a chance, but that i've now killed that too. she said she was disappointed (meaning she did hope we'd make it) but that she was not surprised.

and now she's gone. she hung up on me probably 10 times. i wrote her long emails, talking about what i've done to try to come back to her, how i feel, what i see, what i see in her that makes me think that she too wanted another chance at us. but she's having none of it. i lied. that's all that matters.

we've been watching a tv series together, one that she's just discovered recently and enjoys. i saw it when it was first on tv. for a long time we've read books together and she suggested that we might watch this series together and talk about it. i wholeheartedly agreed; something that we could do together and talk about! so i didn't tell her that i'd already seen them. it's bothered me for a couple of weeks but i never said anything because i didn't want to lose the activity. i told her today. she just saw it as another lie.

and now she's gone.

we've been working at this for three months; she started talking to me again in january. due to scheduling issues, the woman i was with didn't leave my house until the end of february, but B and i talked daily through that time. since then, it's been more and more and while it's been rocky, i felt we'd made some progress. the last week or two have seemed pretty rocky. plus, i'm feeling depression creeping in again (it's been coming on for several months but is now... needing attention, i think, and i've been thinking about going back on meds).

thoughts of just giving up, yes, suicide, have been with me a lot. last week especially, when B was gone for 3 of the 5 days, even though we had pretty good days. by the weekend, i thought it'd be somewhat ... ?fitting? to end my life, and the hurts i've put in the lives of so many other people, on my birthday. it's one of those "special" birthdays too, which made the timing seem... again, "fitting" comes to mind. but, i needed to talk to B again, and did so on monday and we had a pretty good day, till the end. by then i wasn't much thinking about doing it.

and then there's today.

and in front of me i have a handful of pills; some oxycodone (percoset), some hydrocodone (vicodin). one of either, taken with a stiff drink or three, provides a really nice buzz. i looked up the warning info online... too much can lead to "respiratory depression"... hehe... in other words, you just stop breathing. probably long after you've fallen asleep though. it's funny - i'm not "scared" at all. the thought of leaving a mess here for others to clean up bothers me a little, just because it's putting them through an unpleasant task.

to be honest, i'm undecided. frankly, i don't see much difference in either course of action, except that staying on means dealing with the job situation, the money situation and more importantly, the start of a lifetime without B. so in many ways, the "easy way out" is really the easiest way out.

like i said, right now, i'm undecided. i think i'll take one and have a good stiff drink, then see where my thoughts take me. i'm pretty chicken, really, but i've never been more convinced of her conviction that she's done with me. i'd like to see my daughter get married and have kids someday... but i'll have to go through intolerable days, weeks, months and years without B in my life. and i'm not sure i can handle that.

so, we'll see.

what choice do i have?

i don't stand a chance with her; of that i'm pretty sure. she's hurting terribly, her soul damaged, her heart empty and wounded. i did those things to her; -me-. her soulmate, the one who loved her, the one she loved.

she's steadfastly refusing to budge any. not allowing herself to feel anything of, toward or about me (and us) other than pain and hurt and betrayal. who can blame her?

and yet, i KNOW IN MY HEART that there still lives within her a spark of desire, an ember of hope and longing. i know it. what we had was too strong, despite the terrible hurts i did to her. it's there and i think she knows it. i think she trys to avoid looking at it or acknowlegeing that it's even there, but i see it. rather, i don't see it directly, but i see the faint light it gives off, brightening the walls around her heart. it's there in little things she says. sometimes in the way her voice sounds when she talks to me. now and then it's in a laugh, or when she lets down her guard a little and she lets slip something about us building a friendship again and then perhaps more. but whenever she catches herself slipping, she grabs the biggest stick she can find and beats that little squeak of hope until it's battered and bleeding again.

i've wondered if i should accept what i've done as insurmountable and accept that i've thrown away my future and our future and changed what she wanted for her life. i've wondered if it'd be better for her if i just disappeared, stopped reminding her of the hurt, let her continue healing as she was. but i can't. i just can't. what she and i had, could have again, is so unique that i can't walk away from it. as long as there's any hope that she might soften enough to give us a chance, i have to try. there is no other choice.

in judaism, there's a saying that's said between lovers, man and wife, often inscribed inside their wedding rings. I don't recall the hebrew, but it's translated as: "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine". while to her, "beloved" doesn't apply to me anymore, she is still my beloved. she is my beshert, my intended. how could i do anything else?

happy fucking birthday to me

she took a three day weekend again, because of easter. g-d, was this a long weekend. i knew it would be bad, but when thursday evening already felt like days since she'd left, i knew it would be a tough one. while it wasn't a record amount of alcohol consumption and self abuse, it was in the top ten...

she was in early today. naturally, i "know" why that was.. i'm sure bf is out of town and she managed an early morning session with her lover. after all, they missed some get togethers last week, so there's time to make up for.

we started the day good. then, memories of what i did to her bubble up and reopen the wounds and she turns caustic towards me and withdraws. it's understandable and i expect it and know it's gonna happen and can see it coming... but there's no way to avoid it, or change it, or steer us away from the pain. so she pulls back, hard... slams the door, hard. the killer of it is that she lets out a little bit, a tiny message from deep inside to me about what to do, maybe a little about how she's feeling, inside. but then it's like she realizes she did that and has to overcompensate by digging down and pulling up the bile and tasting it again, exposing again what i did to her, how i hurt her.

and then she goes, signs off.

i write to her, she says trying to convince her. a reasonable description, but not my intent. i just try to talk to her, tell her how i see things, how i interpret her actions, mine, my thoughts, her thoughts. and all she sees is that i'm trying to convince her. she told me all through our relationship that i was trying to do that; i maintained all along that i was just laying out my position, my interpretation of things and just putting it out for her to understand. it never worked before; if i was trying to convince her, i never did a very good job of it before, why would she think that suddenly i believe i'd be able to influence her?

i get passionate when i talk to her about us. and quickly i move to seeing the whole picture, the big picture and wanting to just explain what i see to her. but she's having no more of that than she is of any of me. am i wrong for worrying that the longer she stands with her arms crossed and turning her face away from me, even though i think that she's doing it on purpose and that deep inside she really -wants- to open her arms, wants to turn toward us again. call me stupid, but i believe, i really do, that inside her injured heart she really wants to be "us" again, but that she's afraid, so scared that i'll hurt her again, something she could not take. something i could not stand to do again. would not do again.

look, i have no illusions that i "deserve" another chance, or that there's any justifiable reason, from her perspective, to try again. i try to tell her that i know what i've done, i know -all- that i've done to betray the trust and the love she had in me and in us.. i know it. and i know that, while i truly believe she still has a spark of desire inside, she needs to protect herself. but again, i do, truly truly do believe that there is love for me and us in her, trying to get out and that she's stopping it, afraid of what could happen if she were to let it out. i try to tell her that the longer she stomps that spark down, the longer she turns her back on it, the more she beats her heart up with the retelling of what i've done to her, the harder and harder it will be for her (us) to ever get beyond that again.

am i wrong? i tell her (okay, plead with her) that we should do it now. start getting past the pain now. talk, as much as possible. meet, for lunch, as much as possible. there's gonna be painful, hard conversations and visits, but good ones too. and the longer the pain is dragged out, held onto, the less likely she'll ever be able to see us again except through that veil of pain. we've gone back and forth with an analogy of a couple that's getting past infidelity and betrayal. and it's actually been a darn good one.... she's said that they don't just hop right back into being together as a couple, that they have to learn to be together again. i agreed, with one difference: they ARE together. the whole reason they're together working on it is that they have agreed on what the desired outcome is: to preserve the relationship, to build trust and love again and to stay together. we don't have that. we don't have that shared goal (well, -i- do, but she doesn't or won't admit to it). we don't have the luxury of the all day every day being together, where there's all kinds of interactions and moods during the day... lots of routine things, some good moments, some great moments, touching, being together, some bad moments, some crying and some pain and some contrition. we don't have those moments together, that time together. which is why i've told her that (i think) it's so important for us to start seeing each other, to start -acting- as though we are getting together, even if it is acting, for now. we need to have the opportunity to just -be-. to have those mundane moments, the routine moments. we need to have the opportunities to build more -good- time together so that when the hard moments come, and they will, we have more and more of a base of good to build on, to use to get us through the hard times.

but she's not interested.

so close and yet so far

it turns out she was in my city, over the long weekend, for a trade show.

twelve miles away.

twelve. 65,000 feet, +/-. 15 to 20 minutes by car.

it might as well have been twelve million miles.

this is what i have done to her.

and by extension, to us.

self service set up, #525

i don't know why i'm always taken aback, surprised...

and then i remember what's happened. and that she's married. and has a lover. and a life.

we end great (in my opinion, probably "fairly good" in an objective appraisal) on friday. i bemoaned her leaving early saying it was like a three day weekend and that made me :-( and she seemed to agree... (although i want to believe it was because it felt that way to her too, now that i think about it, she was probably saying she was sorry i would feel that way). she's with me in my thoughts all weekend; i wrote her a lot over the weekend.

woke up a little late coz i kept hitting the snooze and freaked because i thought i might have missed her signing in to chat.

um, no.

clearly she has more important things to do... whether take the day off, maybe spend it with her lover, maybe she's terribly busy at work... maybe she just has more important things to do, like counting paper clips... or maybe it's just a regular day for her and -i- just haven't occurred to her yet.

regardless, i've done it again.

and again. and again. and again.