what kind of fool am i?

the worst kind, apparently. the kind that -knows- what to expect, dreads it, but asks for it anyway. the kind that continues to play the fool, even knowing his role.

we all play that role at various times in our lives, to varying degrees. but, i've never played the role to this degree. and yet, i know that i've barely scratched the surface of what i'll endure. because the (potential) reward for the role is the ultimate prize, the ultimate reward - her. and i know what i feel for her inside - so i know what i'll endure to have her, if that's even possible anymore.

i felt bad yesterday because i delayed her leaving her office when she was in pain and only wanted to get home. i felt -bad-, although i continued to engage her in conversation. she called a couple hours later, having just gotten home. "from errands", she said. of course, i know what the "errand" was. it was her on her knees, servicing her master. it was her bent over, begging for more pain from him. i felt bad, thinking i'd delayed her getting home, when actually she stayed until it was time to go meet him. fool check #1.

during a conversation some time ago, i thought she indicated to me that she was no longer seeing him. i didn't focus on it, because i kind of didn't believe it, despite wanting it to be true more than anything else. and she's kind of confirmed my thoughts that perhaps she was no longer seeing him. fool check #2.

and here's the biggest one of all and the one that landed us here. after -years- (literally, years) of waiting for her, begging her, courting her, wanting her to share her life with me, when she was finally ready, when she finally invited me to her, to -begin- our being together, i got caught fucking a whore. fool check #3. fool check-mate. 

game set match.

now she wants nothing to do with me. 

i chased her for four years and she wouldn't even see me. she met and decided to fuck her master in 30 minutes. 

and the really interesting part? this might really be the telltale indication of just how much of a fool i am... i'm hoping that she'll want to see me tomorrow and friday, on my way to my next city/job. i mean, what the fuck? -really??-  but yeah, really. there's nothing i hope for more than that she'll want it too. or maybe even -suggest- it, bring it up first. 

and even beyond that? i'm hopeful that she can somehow see a future for -us-. 

and give up her master.

and want me, once again, as her Master.

and want to share our lives, our friendship, our intimacy. the unique friendship and intimacy that has been the cornerstone of our relationship. 

i'm thinking that being able to stomach being in the same room probably has to occur first.