i try. but i want her so desperately, need her so much, that i pull and pull at her and all she sees is that i'm pulling at her. she can't see the reasons behind it, can't see that it's with the best of intentions, won't see the love and care and tenderness that's the root of everything i do and want to do for her.
it's so frustrating, in every way. maybe i'm off in fantasy land or something, but i can so -clearly- see how our lives could be so different. but it takes the certainty that -i- have that if she would let us be together, that we'd work it out. but just as strongly certain as i am that we would work is how strongly deadset she is against giving us the opportunity to try.
i would probably get kicked out of the "guy club" for my views on how our relationship would be, but fuck it - don't much care for the club anyway. our love would grow back to where it was. mine for her is still there, as strong as or stronger than ever, but she has none. doesn't have any love for me or us and can only barely remember it as a memory of something she once wanted.
i can so clearly see how we would grow and heal and progress toward the -us- that we are destined to be; the us we'd be well on our way toward being, had i been able to keep my cock in my pants. i can so clearly see how we'd be. Not that it would be easy street, not by a long shot. We'd have hard days, some very hard days. But together we'd get past them. And we'd heal and grow, together. and the bad days would be less and less frequent, although they may never go away altogether. but what couple doesn't have bad days? more importantly, -we- would grow and grow closer. our love and our like would grow and grow and deepen and mature. i feel this, i know this, i see this, i believe it - with every fiber of my body, with every bit of my heart, with all that i am, i know this to be true.
i know all this to be true. i just do.
she knows that she can't stand to be in the same room with me.
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