and yet...

next week i start a new job in a new city. just like the last three jobs i've started while i've known B, i worry about having time to talk during the day, time to chat. given our situation now, i'm even more worried. 

chatting may be an issue, we just don't know yet whether chat will be possible at the new company. if not, there's always chatting via the phone, like at my last place, but that's less than optimal. better than nothing though and i'm glad to have it.

talking could be an issue. she doesn't have my phone anymore. she goes out for lunch everyday, an hour that we used to always talk. what she does now i don't really know. i suspect she sees her lover but i'm not sure that's true. perhaps she simply gets away from the office, runs errands, i don't know. i can't ask her to stay in her office, because everyone needs to get away for awhile. she doesn't have my phone anymore... but i do. i even brought it with me last week when i went to see her. i knew it was too soon to offer it to her. well, not too soon for me to offer, but too soon for her to take it, too soon for her to even consider it. i knew it and didn't say anything about it to her. but i hope that time will come soon. if she could do it, it'd give us time again. time we used to have - her commute to/from work, lunch, weekends. any impromptu time she might find to call for a few minutes.

my new job is near her. well, not CLOSE but nearer than i've been to her since the first few months we knew each other. -we're- farther apart than we've ever been, but physically closer than ever. 

and yet... we're close too. there's still this seemingly impenetrable wall of defense she's put up against me, between us. but it's a variable wall. sometimes it's taller or thicker than at other times. sometimes it's not as solid as at other times. sometimes she lets me scramble up the outside and peer in at her, lets me reach my hand toward her. other times she lowers the rampart, so that we can see each other across the top of the wall. sometimes she stands in the open doorway, not passing through it to my side nor letting me pass through, but she stands in the doorway as we talk. 

i can see her, closely guarding her heart. but my heart -feels- her heart... and i believe her heart is talking to mine... 

i have to believe that. otherwise, there's no future.