the devil is in the details, isn't it?

isn't that what they say, that the devil is in the details?

she, my beloved B, has told me many times that i favor the big statement, the sweeping generalization, the absolute of anything she says. 

on the other hand, she has always maintained that i should pay attention to the specifics of what she says, pay attention to her actions and what they signify, that her intentions and her desires are evident in the little things she says and does, if only i would pay attention.

and yet, it's the little things she says that really hurt, that point out to me, again and again, the level of the hurt in her heart, the degree of the pain and the betrayal that i put on her. and the level of her resistance to a future that includes an "us".

which brings us to today. we were discussing a book that we're close to finishing up and as we usually do we were in an interesting and engaging conversation about our book. the day had gone well, for the most part. she had laughed, giggled even, and our conversation had been full and interesting and at the same level of intensity as we've ever been. as we meandered away from the book, we talked about many other things, including food.

one of the things she's always ribbed me about is chicken fried steak; something i like and that she claims to have never had. 

today, again, she said she'd never eaten it. feeling close to her (as i tend to do most of the time), i said "maybe the first time you ever have it will be with me". 

and then the devil reared his head.

"I'll NEVER eat chicken fried steak" she said, fairly emphatically. and in a softer voice "you can't say things like that".

"I'll NEVER eat [it]". just like that. a tiny statement, a small part of our conversation. 

and yet, it carried far more impact, far more emphasis, far more -certainty- than had she yelled it from the rooftop.

"maybe the first time you ever have it will be with -me-".

"I'll NEVER eat [it]". 

fin. fact. question asked and answered. 

NEVER. 

not "maybe". not "that'd be fun". not "perhaps".

NEVER. not with you, not with my husband, not with my lover, not with friends or family or strangers. but mostly, NOT WITH YOU (me).

i've told her that -i- am ready to take up with her, where we left off. i know she can't do that, that the reason i can do it is because -i- did the hurting, i'm the one who hurt her, not the other way around. she can barely stand to be in the same room with me for 15 minutes. so it's no surprise that the thought of being physical with me would still be beyond comprehension for her. and that my offer of having her leave her bf/husband, immediately, now, and marry me, now, for good, for life, for better or worse, is as inconceivable to her, as meaningless to her as a copy of the dictionary written in swahili. the swahili dictionary, at least, she could find some use for, find some value in.

but not so with regard to a life with me.

"I'll NEVER eat chicken fried steak".

NEVER.

she says -i- always emphasize the absolute.

NEVER. there's not much more emphasis needed on NEVER, is there?