i've talked before about her character and the strength she has inside. but now i've been able to -see- it at work. up close. in person.
despite her fears/concerns, she said i could see her again last week. right there, the very fact that she could broach the subject and let me know that if i wanted to come up to her area, we could talk, more or less in person.
every speeding law known to man was broken to get to her.
thursday was hard. like the week before, she was unable to let me into her office but we talked from within sight of each other. that in itself was a big step for her. i loved it, despite being so close and yet so far, because a) i could see her and b) we were talking. talking, almost in person, but TALKING. during conversation, her defenses rose and fell, sometimes visibly, sometimes i wasn't aware of it until she "stiff armed" me in the chest to push me away. but nevertheless, we were talking again.
she about killed me when it came time to leave though. i was in my car, gathering my wits and my breath. i wanted to watch her leave. i know this might sound stalker-ish, but it wasn't. the sight of her is like a narcotic to me. her curves, her walk, her face, her hair. she hadn't let me see much of her during conversation. in fact, she even said that while i was in the area, she was dressing "covered up", making sure (subconsciously?) that i didn't get to see -her-, didn't get to see her sexy self, her body; shielding herself from me. anyway, i wanted to see her, see her walk, see her -whole-. she wouldn't come out. finally she called me and said she WOULD NOT leave until i was gone. i snapped; completely lost it. i was blind with pain, with rage, with hurt, with remorse, with the painful knowledge of what i've done to her. i remember tearing out of the parking lot. the next thing i remember is pulling into a parking lot and a car honking at me. it was her. she said i was driving erratically, nearly hitting curbs and other cars. i know i was zoned, but i can't really say. the thing that i remember about the whole thing? that she was concerned about me.
friday's conversation was much the same and yet very, very different.
we talked and the conversation was different than thursday. easier somehow, although still difficult at times. (something that will continue to be a part of our conversation for years to come, i'm sure.) the amazing thing? she let me into her office. for only the second time in the 4.5 years we've known each other, we were in the same room, talking person to person, not over the phone. this may sound ?insignificant? to other people, even ridiculous to some, but for us, for -me-, it was huge. HUGE. especially given her hurt and state of mind and the level of guard that she's maintaining when dealing with me.
what does this mean? i don't know, honestly. in some ways, i'm afraid to think about it, for fear of jinxing any future possibilities. on the other hand, i still firmly believe that she and i will be together, permanently, as partners. we -belong- together. she says it too, although the hurt in her heart and soul make her question if, despite being -destined- for each other, there's been too much hurt done (to her, by me) to get past. i cannot accept that. i know the hurt and the pain that i've caused her and us; it's with me all the time. but talking to her, seeing her, reinforces for me that we are meant to be together. as i've said many times before - she is my beschert, my intended. and i believe that i am hers.
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