the law of disproportionate feelings

i should write a theorem about the "law of disproportionate feelings" (or impressions). hm. okay, i guess that's what -this- is ;-)

i hurt B, the woman i love, my soulmate, my beschert (meaning "intended") more than anyone could ever have believed. more than anyone who loves another could ever, under the wildest, most unimaginable circumstances, ever do to the one they love. 

now, i'm trying to find a way back into her life, which is where i want to be. it's where i want to live, to love, to die.

she's having a hard time with it; not even sure it's something she's willing to entertain. or even able to, even if she decided she did want it.

so what happens is the law of disproportionate feelings. the disproportionate part relates to her feelings and change in feelings vs my feelings and change in feelings.

i believe that i can influence her - somewhat. actually a very tiny amount. any other "positive" change in her feelings for me or for us has to originate from her, from within her. this may occur in response to something i do, but it originates from within her. and in reaction to HUGE changes in me, or in response to VERY good times that she and i might have (whether in chat or email or on the phone or even in person), there's a very small change in her feelings toward me and/or us. 

on the other side of the equation, she can definitely influence me - with the tiniest action. everything she does and says and every action and every word, every comment, every laugh, every vocal inflection is revisited and evaluated and dissected to see if it means -anything- about how she's feeling about -us-, if there's any change in her heart. a tiny thing, THE TINIEST thing that she might do that feels like kindness or softening of her heart toward us and i'm literally -awash- in elation and good feelings and hope.

disproportionate feelings. huge changes in "us" = very small change (if any) in her. small things from her = HUGE changes in my feelings for her/us/my hope.

for example, we met again last week, twice. those were the 5th and 6th times we've ever been within close proximity of each other and actually -talked- not on the phone. on friday, she even let me into her office; we were in the same physical space. close enough to touch, to hold each other, to kiss - if that were something she could do. she couldn't - in fact, had to ask me to go outside after a while. regardless, between the visits the week before, and the chats and talks we'd had, and those visits and the emotional times we'd had while talking... all that had a HUGE impact on me. HUGE. they were at once difficult and good and welcome. and to me, to my wishful thinking, very significant.