and ... so?

she had one of those days today... she needed "ease" from me, no pressures, no heartache, nothing but comfort and support. and yet again, for the 598th time, i failed at providing it.

to be honest, i don't think i completely failed her. what tends to happen is that i do support her, but my needs, my wants, my need for her and for support from her overshadow what i do give her, to the point where it's completely nullified and she doesn't see or feel it at all. so she doesn't feel it, which means she pulls back because she feels as though she's not getting from me what -she- needs (which is true insofar as she's not getting enough of what she needs), so then i feel her pullback, which means -i- feel isolated and unloved, which makes me put more of -my- needs in the foreground, which .... blah blah blah, neverending circle.

the net result of which is that she doesn't get what she needs.

looking back, i realize that i have NEVER failed to fail her. you name it, i've failed at giving her the support she needed from me.

and i wonder why she won't let me back into her life, into her -self-.. into her heart.

it feels hopeless. i've so often failed her, failed to give her what she needed... and she so seldom ever really -needs- any support. but i've consistently failed her. is it any wonder she's reluctant to let me back into her life, as her friend, her lover, her partner? it's almost laughable to think that i want to be all those to her again... and more... for i still long to be her husband.

and she's not even able to sit in the same room with me.

we were so close to having every thing we both wanted. so close. days, literally, days away from it. and i failed her there too.

fuck.

it's so easy to love her. so easy to love everything about her.

when she does finally reject me... i'll be done, finished. unable to take it, to carry on without her.

and why should i?