tomorrow she becomes bf's wife.
we'd actually planned for this, originally. except that in that plan, i didn't break her heart, hurt her more than any human should hurt another, especially the one person she should never have had to worry would hurt her.
in that plan, we were going to have our own commitment ceremony. unofficial, private, strictly -ours-. a way for us to affirm to each other our commitment to being together, through the difficult period when she would have married bf anyway. nothing fancy, nothing elaborate at all. actually, i doubt that had anyone seen us, they'd have thought we were doing anything other than having a private moment on the beach. (i keep saying beach, but who knows?)
how i see that it would have happened....
we'd have worn clothes that were simple, comfortable. rain or shine, it wouldn't have mattered because we both love the rain as much as the sun. there might have been jewelry, but not a ring, at least not for her (hard to explain that to bf!). for her, most likely a bracelet or necklace, earrings maybe. possibly a non-ring finger ring. for me, i don't know if she'd have gotten anything, or a ring or bracelet or what. while i wouldn't need a symbol, it would've been comforting to have when -tomorrow- arrived. the two of us, hand in hand, a short walk until we found the right spot; somewhat secluded, at least enough so that she and i could retreat from any intrusions by the outside world.
turning to face each other... taking her in my arms, a long, slow, tender kiss.... releasing her, letting my arms slide from around her, taking her hands in mine yet holding her close... looking at each other... i'm sure there would be tears in my eyes (as there are now)... finally, voice cracking, but filled with the resolve to tell her just how much she means to me...
B, when you came into my life i knew immediately that you were the one. you are my best friend, my lover, the person i was brought into this world to share my life with. no one knows me like you do, no one loves me like you do, no one can ever know the relationship, the level of intimacy that we share, that you have brought to my life. i don't care about money, or riches, or things... only that whatever happens, we share it together. you are my soulmate B, my beschert, my intended. from this moment on, i belong to you. always and forever. i love you with all my heart, all my head, all my soul.
instead? i hurt her more than is even imaginable. and now she marries him. without me.
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