i thought i'd be able to handle this

i knew it'd be difficult.... but fuck me.

in 24 hours she'll be standing up to get married. to someone she doesn't really want to marry, someone she doesn't think she belongs with, someone she doesn't really want to spend her life with. if i hadn't hurt her in the most unimaginable way, she wouldn't be doing it. in fact, we'd be spending today, this weekend, all the days, together.

but no. i had to fuck up, be weak, betray her.

every minute ticks by interminably slowly. tick............tick..............tick. my heart alternately freezes and races as i think of her, what she must be doing right now.

tick. tick. tick.

i have to wonder, as she's surrounded by her family, his family, undoubtedly doing last minute things, probably getting together with family and friends tonight.... does she think of me, of us? does she, at some place hidden deep inside, wish that it was her and i instead? or even just that she and i were together somewhere today, being -us-, the us that should be?

tick. tick. tick.

i'll never know the answers, i'm sure. 

my B, my beloved B.... i'm so sorry for what i've done to you. please, please can you find it in your heart to open yourself up to the possibility of an -us- again?

please?