after my last contract, i was going to take some time off, try to figure out what to do with myself, travel some, try to make my relationship with B move to another level - meeting and being together.
the call for this contract came out of the blue one day, and had the caller not mentioned the hourly rate, i would have told them no. however, the rate was so good, the potential for saving money so high and the allure of the location sufficient to make me say yes. looking at the numbers, i estimated that every month i worked here would grant me an additional month of sabbatical; not a bad deal.
yeah.
first off, money never seems to follow those kind of plans. it seems to have a mind of its own in that regard. i believe i will actually be leaving this city with -less- cash on hand than when i got here. but to be honest? -money- is the least important thing right now. no amount of money can make up for hurting B like i have.
my life, friendship, love affair with B is in tatters. she's been -my life-, my love, my future for over four years. i fucked that up completely, hurting her so badly in the process.
the peace and confidence that the knowledge of that future with B brought me made planning for my future (both her planning with me and us planning on our futures being the same) easy. we had a good path laid out. i'd worried about the viability of continuing in my career for many years, but planning with B for a future with her smoothed it all out. we had an excellent course laid out for us.
while the future of B and i together isn't set yet, the uncertainty is in place and that alone changes my future. she's not inclined or able to see me yet. so while moving to her area and making every effort to see her at every available opportunity works for me, it doesn't work for her. she'll be married very soon and even if she and i were able to pursue getting together in the shortest possible time, it'd still be months. and that's -if- she becomes interested. and even then, it'd be more months before we could be together. all that equals out to months of living expenses that i don't know that i have.
truthfully, i could probably find enough non-career and/or part-time or temporary work to pay my monthly bills and use my savings to pay my alimony and child support. i could go like that for quite some time, maybe eight months. by then, though, i'd be essentially penniless (although debt free). and then? if B and i got together, i'd be bringing NO financial assets to the partnership. the downside, of course, is that if B chooses not to be together then i move into the rest of my life with no savings. yeah, like not having -money- is the downside in that scenario.
so what do i do? i could look for another gig of 3-6 months and hope that at the end of that time that B has invited me to live near her. if she hasn't, or doesn't intend to, then what? i guess i keep working, just going on for lack of anything better to do. if it's too soon for her at that time, i could either keep working and hope she wants me there after the next gig, or i could move to her area and try that approach.
if she'd agree, i'd go live by her now, be available to her all the time. i'd find evening and over night work and be available to her during the day, should she want to chat or even meet. i personally think this is the "best" option, but it's not up to me. funny, i actually have more concrete plans (housing, work, etc) on what to do if i move to her area than any other option.
but she hasn't agreed.
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