and yet again

today, again, she told me that there is no way she can ever let me in again, ever, ever, ever see the possibility of an "us".

that was just before she had to hang up because her lover was at her office. one last fuck before she goes away to get married.

one last fuck me.

no, i'm sure there'll be many more.

it's gone, all of it. i have no will, no desire, no reason.

i don't have her.

there really is no reason to go on.

the woman that i love more than any other, more than i have EVER loved another, wants nothing to do with me. nothing.

she says she can never look at me or think about me without thinking about the other woman and what i did to her. couples get over infidelity, over betrayal, over all kinds of difficult, terrible betrayals. the thing is that i have NO DOUBT that what B and i have/had/could have again is so much stronger than even either of us really knows, that we -would- be able to get beyond this. i know it.

and on the other side?

that special relationship, the intimacy and connection that we've shared already. that i still want to share with her.

she is my soulmate. she believes that i am hers. and yet, i've hurt her so much that she can't see past it, can't imagine ever allowing -us- again.

so what's the point of going on?