back, but not here

it still amazes me how easily we can fool ourselves into thinking something.

she got back yesterday. she even initiated conversation. we talked a little, chatted a little. she had to leave to go be with her lover. it seemed as though we'd be talking today.

i keep thinking that she -wants- to talk, wants to continue talking.... yet today.... no word, hours after she's at work. she doesn't call. doesn't respond to emails.

so i wait. and wait. and wait. my heart sinking as each minute, each hour passes. only a couple more hours before she leaves for the day and the weekend. and she's leaving early today so she can spend more hours with her lover.

i wait.

two days and counting

i wonder if she's counting? i wonder if she's still very aware that she's been married for two days now.

or perhaps she's just aware of how long she's been away from her lover.

g-d knows, i'm aware of how long it's been since we talked.

and how long it's been since she got married.

and how long it's likely to be before we talk again, if we do.

and when she's likely to be able to finally get together with her lover again. for the first of many get togethers. adultery? yes. do i care? fuck no. well, that's not true - with my whole heart i wish she'd choose to not see him any more. or ever again. i wish she was fucking me. i figure four days from wedding to the first time. and then back on the active schedule she's been on.

not that i blame her. or have any excuse to talk.

fuck, i miss her.

i wonder if she's even thought of me -once-?

23 hours and counting

it's been almost 23 hours since she said "I do". 

twenty three long, long hours. she didn't call at the eleventh hour to say she'd reconsidered and decided not to go through with it, that she wants me instead. nor has she called since to say it was a mistake, she intercepted the JP to prevent him from filing the paperwork and that i should immediately fly to be with her.

so i guess that was all just -my- fantasy.

i wonder if she's made contact with her lover since? she won't see him till tuesday or wednesday. he'll have to wait four days. 

i waited four years. and then blew it. for no good reason.

i thought i'd been in hell the last four months. that was just the anteroom. 

a lifetime of emptiness awaits.

and it's done

she was never one for big ceremonies so i'm sure her wedding wasn't either.

which means that right about now, it's done. 

she's married.

to a man she didn't want to marry. to a man she loves but isn't in love with.

mazel tov, my love.

i miss you so much.

i love you.

i thought i'd be able to handle this

i knew it'd be difficult.... but fuck me.

in 24 hours she'll be standing up to get married. to someone she doesn't really want to marry, someone she doesn't think she belongs with, someone she doesn't really want to spend her life with. if i hadn't hurt her in the most unimaginable way, she wouldn't be doing it. in fact, we'd be spending today, this weekend, all the days, together.

but no. i had to fuck up, be weak, betray her.

every minute ticks by interminably slowly. tick............tick..............tick. my heart alternately freezes and races as i think of her, what she must be doing right now.

tick. tick. tick.

i have to wonder, as she's surrounded by her family, his family, undoubtedly doing last minute things, probably getting together with family and friends tonight.... does she think of me, of us? does she, at some place hidden deep inside, wish that it was her and i instead? or even just that she and i were together somewhere today, being -us-, the us that should be?

tick. tick. tick.

i'll never know the answers, i'm sure. 

my B, my beloved B.... i'm so sorry for what i've done to you. please, please can you find it in your heart to open yourself up to the possibility of an -us- again?

please?

the last full day of this life

today is the last full day of this life; for me, for her, for bf.

tomorrow she becomes bf's wife.

we'd actually planned for this, originally. except that in that plan, i didn't break her heart, hurt her more than any human should hurt another, especially the one person she should never have had to worry would hurt her.

in that plan, we were going to have our own commitment ceremony. unofficial, private, strictly -ours-. a way for us to affirm to each other our commitment to being together, through the difficult period when she would have married bf anyway. nothing fancy, nothing elaborate at all. actually, i doubt that had anyone seen us, they'd have thought we were doing anything other than having a private moment on the beach. (i keep saying beach, but who knows?)

how i see that it would have happened....

we'd have worn clothes that were simple, comfortable. rain or shine, it wouldn't have mattered because we both love the rain as much as the sun. there might have been jewelry, but not a ring, at least not for her (hard to explain that to bf!). for her, most likely a bracelet or necklace, earrings maybe. possibly a non-ring finger ring. for me, i don't know if she'd have gotten anything, or a ring or bracelet or what. while i wouldn't need a symbol, it would've been comforting to have when -tomorrow- arrived. the two of us, hand in hand, a short walk until we found the right spot; somewhat secluded, at least enough so that she and i could retreat from any intrusions by the outside world.

turning to face each other... taking her in my arms, a long, slow, tender kiss.... releasing her, letting my arms slide from around her, taking her hands in mine yet holding her close... looking at each other... i'm sure there would be tears in my eyes (as there are now)... finally, voice cracking, but filled with the resolve to tell her just how much she means to me...

B, when you came into my life i knew immediately that you were the one. you are my best friend, my lover, the person i was brought into this world to share my life with. no one knows me like you do, no one loves me like you do, no one can ever know the relationship, the level of intimacy that we share, that you have brought to my life. i don't care about money, or riches, or things... only that whatever happens, we share it together. you are my soulmate B, my beschert, my intended. from this moment on, i belong to you. always and forever. i love you with all my heart, all my head, all my soul.

instead? i hurt her more than is even imaginable. and now she marries him. without me.

"a place i cannot go"

even though there is no "us" with B and i, she still talks to me. that in itself should be enough indication for anyone of -her-, her character, her strength.

not long ago we were having a conversation about all that's happened. she knows how i still feel about her and that i'd do anything to be with her again, to start the life, the "us", that we should be living right now.

if anyone has any doubt about what i've done to her, or about the level of betrayal i committed, or just what a terrible thing i've done, this quote from her should make it crystal clear.

do you have ANY IDEA what it's like for me to be marrying someone i know i shouldn't be marrying because we don't belong together...but, i'm doing that anyway because the other place i think i do belong has become a place i cannot go? think about that. i'm choosing the one place i know is not right for me. what does that say to what's been done to us and me?

commitment

and then she was gone.

we'd talked about, and wanted, a commitment ceremony of our own. nothin formal, at all, just her and i and our love for each other, declared aloud, her to me and me to her.

could there be anything more pure?

in my mind (clearly oblivious to the way i was really conducting my life), there was nothing, -could be nothing- more obvious, more pure, more -certain-, more true. even today, after all that's happened, (let's be truthful: after all I've done, i still dream of standing with her, on the beach, no one else around, gazing into each others' eyes, and saying, "To You, B, I devote my life, my heart, my love, til death do us part") i want to hold her, love her, -show- her, every day (every fucking day!) that she is the reason i live, the reason i want to live, my every reason for living.

i want to stand before her and tell her: "[B], I love you."

if only she cared.

and yet again

today, again, she told me that there is no way she can ever let me in again, ever, ever, ever see the possibility of an "us".

that was just before she had to hang up because her lover was at her office. one last fuck before she goes away to get married.

one last fuck me.

no, i'm sure there'll be many more.

it's gone, all of it. i have no will, no desire, no reason.

i don't have her.

there really is no reason to go on.

the woman that i love more than any other, more than i have EVER loved another, wants nothing to do with me. nothing.

she says she can never look at me or think about me without thinking about the other woman and what i did to her. couples get over infidelity, over betrayal, over all kinds of difficult, terrible betrayals. the thing is that i have NO DOUBT that what B and i have/had/could have again is so much stronger than even either of us really knows, that we -would- be able to get beyond this. i know it.

and on the other side?

that special relationship, the intimacy and connection that we've shared already. that i still want to share with her.

she is my soulmate. she believes that i am hers. and yet, i've hurt her so much that she can't see past it, can't imagine ever allowing -us- again.

so what's the point of going on?

i can't believe it

the last day we could have any time together before she goes away. a day i'd hoped would be full of happiness for her despite the crush of work.

a day i'd hoped would bring some promise for a future of -us-.

instead, more hurt dragged up from my actions of the past. another day when she couldn't even stand to talk to me and had to disconnect completely.

the wishes i have for her and have sent to her for her future will be completely sullied by, yet again, my actions in the past. 

so instead of a day where i could -add- something to her and to her day, something positive and maybe even uplifting.... i have yet again hurt her.

all i wanted was to love her, to be her friend, to send her off knowing that, despite it all, i really do love her and want the best for her future.

why, HOW did i lose sight of that... of her?

of us??

the end of a life

tomorrow is the last day of my life. well, of -this- life, anyway. 

it's not actually the end; so please, don't send the paramedics. nor is tomorrow the actual day of the ending; that won't come for another eight days, but tomorrow is the last day of this life that i'll be able to talk to her. 

before she goes away to start a new life. 

it'll be a happy occasion, i have no doubt. a beautiful woman, a beautiful setting, a beautiful event. an event that, had i been true to myself and to her, would not have been happening, at least not with the same cast of characters.

i've often wondered whether she thinks of me when she's away, whether over the weekends or other longer periods. more correctly, i should wonder if she ever thinks of me and if so, if it's in a positive context. 

i wonder if that's even a remote possibility.

i know where my thoughts will be for the next two weeks. with her, of course, as they always are. but of her, with loved ones around her, in a tropical setting, beautiful surroundings, peace and elegance all around. 

and her, the center of it all. beautiful, shining, stunning. 

i want to wish her all the happiness and joy that she should have. and i will, before she goes.

and the nagging fear at the back of my thoughts: will she come back?

today

we all know what today is - the first Valentine's Day when B and I -could- have been together.... if not for me.

she's no doubt already received greetings of love from her soon to be betrothed. and her lover will no doubt bestow his own greetings on her sometime today as well.

she and i should be spending this day together. it's because of me that we're not. my life's goal is to rectify that situation. actually, that's not quite true. that would be my greatest wish - to rectify the situation and for us to be together, as we should be. 

my life's goal is to somehow make up to her, in some small measure, the hurt and the pain i've put on her, caused her.

if i can do that and someday hear in her words or her voice that i've been able to do that, then i will have succeeded. i won't stop, because her hurt will never go away completely. but i'll know that i've done some small bit of good.

if she were to someday let me into her life again and choose to be together, then THAT will be the granting of my life's greatest wish.

it's an interesting time

it's an interesting time.

i've been doing some things for B, things that I've asked her to let me help her with for a long time but that she always declined. 

i'm not sure why she agreed to let me help out now. it might be because of the length of time we've known each other. it might be so that she can relieve some of the work load on her during what is a stressful period. not that i really care the reason - i'd do it (and more) no matter what. even if it was just so she'd have more time to be with her lover.

i feel good that i'm able to do something of value for her. not that i deserve to feel good about anything.

i love her. i want to be near her. 

i wish that would be helpful to her. or that she'd let me do it...

an impossibly hard task

an impossibly hard task - that i wouldn't dream of not doing.

i've been sitting here thinking about it for a little while and i began to think "does the fact that i -can- do this, despite the emotional/mental/physical demands it places on me, mean that i could PERHAPS be growing, maturing.. even if only a little bit?"

yeah. right.

but i'll continue because it's the right thing to do. because she'd do it.

but mostly? simply because it's her.

the bottom line is that this task helps her at work. period. that's really all that matters.

never mind that, on a more immediate basis, it allows her more time to spend with her lover before she goes away for a couple weeks. weeks during which she won't get to see him, and she needs to see him before she leaves. 

it helps her at work. it reduces her stress in a stressful time - THAT's what matters. her lover will be there no matter what and she will see him no matter what.

it helps her. makes it easier for her. that's all that counts.

i blame only me

i do have to say that i don't "blame" her at all. after what she's been through, at my hand, it's amazing (and a testament to HER character) that she speaks to me at all.

i'd like to make this post NOT be a "me" post, but i fear that no matter what, that's how it'll turn out. thing is, these are exactly the kinds of things you'd run by your best friend to see what they think. that's exactly what i'm (trying?) to do - the caveat being that she doesn't consider me that friend anymore, although i do her. and i'm upset and hurt and unsure what to do because the timing of all this, over the next three weeks, is just royally sucky. 

after this week, i won't get to talk to her for two full weeks. two full weeks during which her life is going to change, significantly. two weeks that can't possibly go by fast enough for me, for several reasons. so, honestly, i'm upset and cranky and peeved and hurt and dismayed and feeling very isolated - simply because she's going to be gone and i'm needing and going to continue to need to talk to her, to hear her advice and perspective, to get her counsel.

but i don't have that choice. and it's my fault.

(to be cont'd)

a pivotal time

this will be the last week i know her as she is today.

she's taking off for a while. when she comes back she'll be married.

it should have been me. it was supposed to be.

this isn't the way it was supposed to be, at all.

and of course, it another example of the universes' sense of ?humor? the same period is a pretty pivotal time for me as well. i have to make decisions on housing, what i'm going to do for march, hell even what fucking city to be in.

and during that time, when i'd be relying heavily on her for counsel and guidance.... she'll be out of touch. she'll be away, changing her life.

counting the seconds

another friday, just minutes before she's gone again. 

first to spend time with her lover. then with bf.

i should be there, should be the one she's meeting - in both cases.

as the seconds tick by, my heart starts to race, my chest tightens, my overall anxiety level shoots up, up, up.

it's a long way to monday

"i'll stash away some money"

my job here is over and soon i'll be leaving this city. however, i leave it much poorer than when i arrived.

after my last contract, i was going to take some time off, try to figure out what to do with myself, travel some, try to make my relationship with B move to another level - meeting and being together. 

the call for this contract came out of the blue one day, and had the caller not mentioned the hourly rate, i would have told them no. however, the rate was so good, the potential for saving money so high and the allure of the location sufficient to make me say yes. looking at the numbers, i estimated that every month i worked here would grant me an additional month of sabbatical; not a bad deal.

yeah.

first off, money never seems to follow those kind of plans. it seems to have a mind of its own in that regard. i believe i will actually be leaving this city with -less- cash on hand than when i got here. but to be honest? -money- is the least important thing right now. no amount of money can make up for hurting B like i have.

my life, friendship, love affair with B is in tatters. she's been -my life-, my love, my future for over four years. i fucked that up completely, hurting her so badly in the process. 

the peace and confidence that the knowledge of that future with B brought me made planning for my future (both her planning with me and us planning on our futures being the same) easy. we had a good path laid out. i'd worried about the viability of continuing in my career for many years, but planning with B for a future with her smoothed it all out. we had an excellent course laid out for us. 

while the future of B and i together isn't set yet, the uncertainty is in place and that alone changes my future. she's not inclined or able to see me yet. so while moving to her area and making every effort to see her at every available opportunity works for me, it doesn't work for her. she'll be married very soon and even if she and i were able to pursue getting together in the shortest possible time, it'd still be months. and that's -if- she becomes interested. and even then, it'd be more months before we could be together. all that equals out to months of living expenses that i don't know that i have. 

truthfully, i could probably find enough non-career and/or part-time or temporary work to pay my monthly bills and use my savings to pay my alimony and child support. i could go like that for quite some time, maybe eight months. by then, though, i'd be essentially penniless (although debt free). and then? if B and i got together, i'd be bringing NO financial assets to the partnership. the downside, of course, is that if B chooses not to be together then i move into the rest of my life with no savings. yeah, like not having -money- is the downside in that scenario.

so what do i do? i could look for another gig of 3-6 months and hope that at the end of that time that B has invited me to live near her. if she hasn't, or doesn't intend to, then what? i guess i keep working, just going on for lack of anything better to do. if it's too soon for her at that time, i could either keep working and hope she wants me there after the next gig, or i could move to her area and try that approach.

if she'd agree, i'd go live by her now, be available to her all the time. i'd find evening and over night work and be available to her during the day, should she want to chat or even meet. i personally think this is the "best" option, but it's not up to me. funny, i actually have more concrete plans (housing, work, etc) on what to do if i move to her area than any other option.

but she hasn't agreed. 

what if: This is only a test

maybe everything that's happened was a test of her and i - the test being that since we consider each other soulmates, would we wind up together, even after a trial of unbelieveable difficulty. could the universe work in such a way?

if so then i failed the initial test but have pulled through on the ultimate outcome - that i want to be with B. and if she can say the same thing, that after all that's happened (that i've done to her), then we will pass the test together.

it'd be easy to take a shorter view of time and events and say that just -my- part was the test and that i failed at it. in this version of the test, she had no role, other than as the target of my desire.

but i don't believe that just my part really was the whole test. if so, she'd have never talked to me again, wouldn't have seen me when i was in her area. no, i believe the test continues to this day and encompasses the whole of the outcome, of our future. 

the test for me was do I really want to be with B and how much? the answer is YES and completely. without reservation.

the test for her was would her love of -us- be enough to make her still want to be with her soulmate, even after he hurt her so terribly? i can't answer for her. i can only know what i -hope- her answer to be.

and yet

this -will- kill me, i'm sure of it.

she can say things like "i miss u m. i miss who we were, who i was with you and what we could have been... i do believe we are soulmates... i wanted u m... i made arrangements to end my relationship...and start our life together... we are soulmates... "

you can guess how those things make me feel....

and then she can take a long lunch with her lover on the same day. and she'll see him tonight too and it's likely she saw him this morning.

you can guess how those things make me feel....

and still there's -some- hope, when, during conversation:

me: -that- path has changed... doesn't mean there's not another path to get to the same future [us together]

her: i know

me: that's the path i want us to find B. it's -there-. we just have to find it and want to find it

her: exactly. and sometimes too much has been done to someone for them to see that path worth the risk

you can guess how those things make me feel...

if she could (and would) -look- at me, look into my heart, she'd see...

books and life

one of the things B and I did often (when we were together) was read books. we'd read the same book, x number of pages or chapters a night and discuss them when we talked. 

she agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to do that again. while we haven't talked much about what we're reading, it's still something, a connection to her, doing the same thing as her at more or less the same time. it's -something- that connects me to her.

there was a conversation in the book recently that caught my attention, that makes me wonder: is it possible for life to mirror fiction? i generally believe that -anything- is possible (as evidenced by where B and I are now). she does too and yet can say she and I together will not happen. I have to believe otherwise.

an interesting narrative thought from the book:

A cynic once said that the most identifying trait of humanity is our ability to be inhumane to one another.

...

Yet I can't entirely dismiss that cynic's sour assessment. I harbor a capacity for inhumanity, glimpsed in my [unbelieveable actions] to the person I love most in the world.

and now a paraphrased recount of a conversation in the book, as I wish B and I were having:

We sailed the blacktop rivers for a while, not finding [the bad guy], but slowly finding our way back to each other.

In time she said, "I love you".

My voice was thick when I replied. "I love you more than life."

"We'll be okay," she said.

"We -are- okay."

this is my dream.

her

a song snippet: "...there ain't nothing 'bout you that don't do somethin' for me..."

that describes her, as i see her. outwardly, physically? she's tall, curved, shapely, a -presence- in the room. if you're near her, you're aware of her. her voice is strong, assured, light, comforting, unintrusive yet clearly commanding.

inwardly, it only gets better. she's honest, honorable, driven, trustworthy, self-confident, self-assured, aware. she's a true friend, an honest friend. as a lover, she's sexy, sexual, erotic, open minded and curious. 

i love her.

i -like- her.

i lost her.

yet, she still talks to me. i don't know why, but she does.  

if only she still wanted me... wanted us.... wanted to share a life

what does she do on her weekends?

what does she do on her weekends?

does she live the domestic life with him, running errands, being a couple? or does she watch the time looking for an opportunity to call her lover so they can slip away for a few minutes or an hour together? 

does she ever think of us? does she ever miss us? maybe even long for the life and the future that we'd have been starting right now?

a taste of honey

yesterday was a pretty cool day. although i will admit that -any- day when B graces me with her presence is a pretty cool day.

Since my job ended, I've done two things that are a little out of character for me; I drove all the way around the valley that my current city sits in looking for good vantage points to take pics from, and I climbed a mountain. A little mountain, but hey...

both days, she spent time with me, in chat and on the phone.

i called her from the top of the mountain and we talked about the view, etc...

i loved hearing her voice. she was childishly excited, even though not there herself. i loved sharing the experience with her, describing what i was seeing, what pics i was taking, etc... i want to feel that every day, want to share my life with her, have her -want- to share hers with me.

it wasn't until after we hung up that the sadness hit. 

i love her, g-ddammit. why isn't that enough?