siren song

it's not just that it's -her-.

it's not just the knowledge, deep in my heart and even deeper in my soul, that she is the one.

it's not just knowing what we'd be like together, if she were to allow that.

it's -all- of her. everything i know about her conspires to punish me, to tease me.

no single thing acts alone, yet every single thing reminds me that -this- is as physically close as i'll ever get to be. everything that shows me the distance reminds me that i'll never have more of her, that he gets all her except for the piece of her that knows me when she's in the office. there are a thousand little things that remind me of my place.

today it's her voice that i'm aware of. when she talks, her voice covers me. caresses me. it sounds so ....right.... in my ears. i would know her voice anywhere, any time. i've known her voice forever, for all my life, it would seem.

how can her voice be like the touch of a lover? how can a simple conversation on the phone send me back deep into my fantasy of having her, of her wanting me? how unfair that she can have such an effect on me but not the reverse.

he has her mind and her attention for some 95% of all the time there is in a week or month or year. i have a couple, three percent. yet those few precious hours every week are more important to me, more valuable than all the rest. what must it be like to be him and to have so much of her so much of the time? he thinks it's so terrible because she spends an extra 45 or 60 minutes in the office after work, as though it's cutting into his time so much. i sit at the bottom of the priority list where every single other diversion that comes into her day, whether it be a partner wanting to chat, or a telemarketer, or the cleaning lady with cake, or just him checking up on her, every single demand for her time takes precedence.

i can fume, and rant, and rail at the unfairness of it all, but the bottom line is i'll take the time she gives, even if it's less and less. truth of the matter is, i'll take anything she'll give me.

simply because it's from her. a gift from her.

today it's her voice.

it covers me, engulfs me.

it makes me feel alive.

it's a reason to live.

and i'll continue to want all that she'll give me, whatever it is. i'll continue to wish it was to her as it is to me.

i'll continue to want her. because she's my one. even though i know that everyday, every single day, i'll have to watch her go to her chosen life, i'll still hope. still want.

her voice washes over me, warms me, hugs me, fills me.