back from vacation and thoroughly...

at about the 11th hour, i decided to go with a friend to the beach for a few days of R & R. i was very uneasy about being away from B for so long. looking back i'm not really sure why - i think i was vaguely scared that she'd not be here when i got back, even though i know she wouldn't just disappear. maybe i was more concerned she'd have time to figure out exactly how to tell me she'd made her choice and here, some lovely parting gifts. silly, perhaps. but realistic or not, a fear is a fear.

so i went.

and much of what's supposed to happen during a vacation did. i slept a lot. drank. ate. did nothing. got away from the office. i could actually feel some of the stress leaving me. i got "unclouded" in a way.

it was good. i should learn to let go, even for a while, of those things that are stressful but that i can't really do anything about -right now-. by the time i got up tuesday, i could feel a difference. my mind was clearing.

which allowed me lots of time to think about, digest, absorb and really consider the meaning and the implications of something that i've been trying to not think about for sometime:

i won't have her in my life. period.

not next week, not next month, not next year. not if i lose weight, or get a better job, or whatever. unless i lose 18 years and can somehow transform myself into -him-, somehow become bf, then this is it. what is, is, and what isn't won't be.

period.

i won't have her.

whatever it is that i have that interests her, it still interests her. just not enough to win her. whatever the spark is that's between us, it's still there. it just won't be given a chance to grow into the flame it could be.

vacation. clearing the head. wonderful.

now i can see that all the energy i put into worrying about an -us-, trying to build an -us-, hoping that she'd want me enough to call me to her, worrying that something would make her change her mind and not meet me, all that energy was misspent. it was, in fact, much ado about nothing, because an -us- was never an option.

so now, with all the smoke of a non-existant future blown away, with the blaze of the new sun in a new day illuminating my life and my future, i can finally look at my life and see all that there is. and as i look around and ahead, i see..... nothing. emptiness.

in this empty desert that is my life, i go, carrying with me the unbearable heaviness of knowing that the vision that i've walked toward for so long, the oasis that i saw and wanted for so long, the beauty of her calling to me - was a mirage. it existed only within my mind.

i know that the possibility still exists. i could still win the lotto, too. in a year, or five, or ten, she could call me and say "i've left him. i'm ready." second choice. first alternate. second string.

my mind has finally caught up to reality. now i just gotta get my heart to fall into line as well.

back from vacation and thoroughly... bummed. empty. hopeless.