anger. sadness. resignation.

sometimes i'm so angry with her. ANGRY.

i'm so MAD that she doesn't, -won't- see what seems so obvious. that she won't take the actions that she should be taking based on what she says her desires are.

i'm so mad at her that she's fallen victim to the financial trappings of their early success. they've been so successful financially that even though her relationship has deteriorated into "tolerable" and "not so bad" and hating to be touched by him, that she can't give it up.

the toys win over love.

i don't understand, don't get it. she's so much smarter than that. that's such a 20-something mindset and she's so much smarter and more mature than her years, she knows herself so much more than most people much older than her. why does she not see it?

i'm so sad about it all. like finding that rare four leaf clover, finding -us- was such a fantastically unlikely event. finding two people who connect like we do is such a rarity, how could it not be celebrated, the opportunity not be SEIZED?

but i lose out to a nice guy that she likes less and less, and to the house on the water, and the boat and the ample bank accounts and the habit, the FUCKING HABIT, of doing today what she did yesterday - go home to a nice place with nice things with a guy she used to love but whom she can't stand to have even touch her anymore. but it's familiar. and it's easy. and it doesn't have to be explained to anyone. no explanation to his family, her family, their friends on why the seemingly perfect couple is breaking up. no explanation needed to anyone. least of all me.

money. fucking money.

and after the sadness settles and the tears dry, there's resignation. she's made her mind up. i lose. i'll never even get to see her. i'll die with an empty spot for her reserved in my heart, but we'll never meet.

and maybe the saddest thing is that in a few years, maybe 5, or 10, or even 20, she'll change her mind. she'll leave him. she'll have a much better idea of what she wants in a partner, a companion, a husband, a lover. and she will find him. he will wonder at her strength and her capacity for love and for all that she brings to his life. and he will give her the love and support and honor and respect that she deserves. and he will thank g-d for bringing her into his life.

and then, i hope, she'll be happy.

i wonder... will she think back to this time, to this rare meeting of souls, and think it a missed opportunity? or will this/us/i have faded completely from her memory?

i wonder if she'll remember the short time when she found what she wanted before she knew she wanted it, before she even knew it existed.

i wonder if she'll remember me?