her

surprise. todays' thoughts are about her.

every days' thoughts are about her.

i would make every moment of my day, every thing i do about her. if she only wanted that.

if only i could know what it is about him that she loves so much. what traits, what characteristic is it that makes him so irresistable, so VITAL to her life? what is it that touches the very soul of her so much that it overshadows the shortcomings of their life together? what is it that is so much what she needs and wants that it overpowers her want of [whatever it is she gets from me]?

the harsh truth of it is that even if i knew what it was, it wouldn't help me get her. whatever it is, it's -his-. uniquely his. and she needs and wants it with everything that she is, to her very core. it occurs to me that she probably doesn't even realize her own response to him. she may not even be cognizant of what it is that she needs (and gets) from him.

but whatever it is, it is strong. it is vital to her, to her life, to her every single day. she could no longer give it up (and him) than she could give up water. he -is- everything to her. without patting myself on the back (coz g-d knows i don't deserve it), she's conflicted, i think, because she wants me, wants to want me, but there's this pull, this need for something he gives her. whatever else she says she's missing in her life or relationship, nothing else is as important to her and her life as [whatever it is].

it holds her to him. she needs it, needs him. i doubt he's aware of it. i know she's not. it's that thing, whatever it is, that is "love at first sight". we don't know what it is, can't quantify or name it. it's what i feel for her, a feeling that i just -knew- early. she is subject to it too, except for her it comes from him, and she isn't even aware of the pull, the need. maybe that's part of the conflict within her. consciously she may want to be with me. but her body, her heart, her soul knows and feels and obeys the pull to him. and while the body, the heart and the soul may know, the brain does not and i think this might be a source of conflict for her. it would explain why she can't explain why, doesn't even know why she stays. because she has no choice. he's her chosen, she just hasn't accepted it yet.

and no matter what, i'll never have it.