last one to know

i had a conversation with a friend last night, about Sunday nights.

sunday nights are hard for me, harder than most others. i'm not sure why - i guess it's a wind down, a wrap up, a conclusion or something. and while it also means that i'll hopefully be talking to B again soon, well, what is it they say? it's always darkest just before the dawn?

me: sundays are hard for me.

her: ... why? because of being alone?

me: yeah. i miss B. and it makes me so mad that she can't see things like i do. i never pictured a future other than being with her. i have this incredible sadness. having a really hard time with it.

her: honestly i have seen you start to have some kind of acceptance about [B] since we first met. it sounds cliche but it's true... first acceptance, then anger.

me: i've learned so much about my self sexually with her. but now what? how long will sex last, 10 more years? then what?

her: you need to have someone you can have that w/for the next number of years that you can see yourself still with after that fades

me: yeah, i know. it's B. now what?

her: M[y name]- it's not gonna be B. you know it. she's not the only one you can have that with. granted not as deep as with B but you can still have it.

me: it does hurt. and what you say is probably true, but i have to keep a shred of hope though. i have to, or it feels like what's the point?


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how can everyone so casually accept the demise of a relationship like this? is it just in my fucking head that my relationship with B was so special? why else would it be so easy for her to just say no and walk away?