lessons never learned

g-d, but i can be thick at times. or is it all males?

when you're young and the object of your desire breaks up with you, don't you learn, fairly quickly, that there's nothing, NOTHING you can do to change her mind? you can't argue your case and get a stay of judgement. you can't convince her that there's some facts she didn't know about or that are maybe different than she thought they were.

if she doesn't want you, that's it. game over. no reprieve, no stay of execution, no second chance.

so why do i continue to think that -something- i do or say or show B will somehow convince her to want me?

fuck!

what the hell is wrong with me???

SHE DOESN'T WANT ME.

when am i ever gonna fucking learn and accept that?

she has what she wants. -all- that she wants. period.

i'm really a pretty smart guy. so why am i so fucking stupid?

i guess i know the answer but don't want to accept it because it means, it PROVES that the universe is an unfair place.

i continue to think that because it's so right for -me- that it must be right for her. that because i love -her- so much that she must love me, right? BZZZZT!!!! but thank you for playing. and yet, it's so obvious, after so much time, that it's NOT right for her. she's told me so many times that it'd just be too much work, too much possible pain, too much effort. yet i still persist in believing that love conquers all.

gimme a fucking break. g-d. how can i be so FUCKING STUPDI???

X does NOT imply Y. period.

because i feel such and such about her doesn't mean she feels the same way.

fuck.

and yet, i know that i won't stop, won't give up, until she's beat it into my head so many times that passersby on the street will be able to read it on my forehead: SHE DOESN"T WANT ME. SHE"S QUITE HAPPY WITH WHAT SHE HAS. SHE DOESN"T WANT OR NEED ANYTHING MORE. STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME WITH THIS LOVE SHIT.

period.

i fall under the "anything more" category. the category of stuff that's not needed.

and yet i have no doubt that when my last breath passes my lips i'll be thinking of her. and wondering if she's happy as the mother of tony's kids. as his wife. and as the dark descends i hope i can finally understand and accept that, yes, she is.

most women would say that men are fools because we always let our cocks decide our actions. and yet, when we do what they always say they want us to do, to let our hearts and our feelings guide what we do, they don't want that either and we come out looking like even bigger fools.