a changed weekend

i wish i could say that the weekend was different because i spent it with her. but no. as much as i want that, i have to accept that that'll never happen.

nevertheless it was a changed weekend.

i can't say that the weekend wasn't melancholy and sad and that there weren't times when i was on the verge of despair. but more than that, i was... well, it wasn't about me. i wanted her, thought about her all weekend. but instead of it putting me deep into the hole, it more like i was just ?wistful? all weekend. thinking about her, and knowing the sadness inside, but knowing that she's okay. even though i can't make her see, can't make her want to put her self and her happiness first, i can hope for her happiness, whatever it'll be.

thursday and friday were good days for B and i. and while i'll always know what it feels like to not have her, i believe when she tells me that she draws comfort from me over the weekends too. not the touching and holding and loving that i'd wish for, but something positive, anyway.

it's still so very confusing. i'm not worthy of her love and attention, certainly not worthy of knowing her in person,yet for whatever reasons, she holds me as a friend.

so even though she won't see me, hold me, have me in person, she will have the ?image? of me. at least i get to be with her in a way.