i look at her, on line, and i'm dying to talk to her. but all i see is her with her arms crossed, head turned away. her words "i don't want to talk" echoing.
all the things that come to mind to say to her sit on the tip of my tongue, in my fingertips, wanting to be made into words/chat to send to her. and as i look at each and evaluate what her reaction would be, each is judged unworthy, of no value and discarded.
i have no words to break the silence. no thoughts worthy of her time. i can think of nothing worthwhile to offer her, only chit-chat. nothing i can say or do will take away yesterday, make her forget her disappointment. no appeal can justify her forgiving yesterday.
and every minute of silence pulls at me. she's already put me on notice that it's a busy morning. she brought lunch, so she'll not have to run out. and she has another event after work which will mean he will be picking her up and she'll be leaving at closing time today.
which takes us to tomorrow. friday, a short day always. busier than most anyway. almost never takes lunch on fridays anyway. an early departure.
and by monday, it'll be four days of little/no contact after that day (yesterday). five days for her to close off, pull away. lose interest.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
it's even worse
i was prepared for the worst.
i feel like i wasn't prepared at all.
the emptiness in her voice, the rush to get off the phone.
what have i done?
i feel like i wasn't prepared at all.
the emptiness in her voice, the rush to get off the phone.
what have i done?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
my time to shine
i let her down soooo badly today.
all because i'm so focused on -me-. what do i need? what do i want? and the ever popular, how did a shortcoming of mine cause this?
she needed someone to lean on today. she even told me so. and just like she said later, i wasn't listening. rather, i -was- listening, i just was hearing myself.
how abject was my failure? she was so ?disappointed? that she left without talking. not coz she was rushed (she specifically said she was in no hurry to leave). she just didn't want to talk.
funny thing, kinda? i think of myself as pretty sensitive/attuned to people i'm close to.
yeah. clearly i am.
this is how i repay her for everything she's brought to my life.
all because i'm so focused on -me-. what do i need? what do i want? and the ever popular, how did a shortcoming of mine cause this?
she needed someone to lean on today. she even told me so. and just like she said later, i wasn't listening. rather, i -was- listening, i just was hearing myself.
how abject was my failure? she was so ?disappointed? that she left without talking. not coz she was rushed (she specifically said she was in no hurry to leave). she just didn't want to talk.
funny thing, kinda? i think of myself as pretty sensitive/attuned to people i'm close to.
yeah. clearly i am.
this is how i repay her for everything she's brought to my life.
believe it
she said, from the beginning, that she had no intentions of meeting. no promises. no plans. don't count on it.
at the beginning, i never believed we'd go a year without meeting.
i never thought she'd want to wait another year.
i thought for our second anniversary she'd want to meet.
then i never thought we'd see the end of last year without meeting.
it's been a year since my divorce.
i thought after my divorce she'd want to meet.
i never thought she'd still be saying no a year after the divorce.
now i think it's time for me to believe her.
at the beginning, i never believed we'd go a year without meeting.
i never thought she'd want to wait another year.
i thought for our second anniversary she'd want to meet.
then i never thought we'd see the end of last year without meeting.
it's been a year since my divorce.
i thought after my divorce she'd want to meet.
i never thought she'd still be saying no a year after the divorce.
now i think it's time for me to believe her.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
her
surprise. todays' thoughts are about her.
every days' thoughts are about her.
i would make every moment of my day, every thing i do about her. if she only wanted that.
if only i could know what it is about him that she loves so much. what traits, what characteristic is it that makes him so irresistable, so VITAL to her life? what is it that touches the very soul of her so much that it overshadows the shortcomings of their life together? what is it that is so much what she needs and wants that it overpowers her want of [whatever it is she gets from me]?
the harsh truth of it is that even if i knew what it was, it wouldn't help me get her. whatever it is, it's -his-. uniquely his. and she needs and wants it with everything that she is, to her very core. it occurs to me that she probably doesn't even realize her own response to him. she may not even be cognizant of what it is that she needs (and gets) from him.
but whatever it is, it is strong. it is vital to her, to her life, to her every single day. she could no longer give it up (and him) than she could give up water. he -is- everything to her. without patting myself on the back (coz g-d knows i don't deserve it), she's conflicted, i think, because she wants me, wants to want me, but there's this pull, this need for something he gives her. whatever else she says she's missing in her life or relationship, nothing else is as important to her and her life as [whatever it is].
it holds her to him. she needs it, needs him. i doubt he's aware of it. i know she's not. it's that thing, whatever it is, that is "love at first sight". we don't know what it is, can't quantify or name it. it's what i feel for her, a feeling that i just -knew- early. she is subject to it too, except for her it comes from him, and she isn't even aware of the pull, the need. maybe that's part of the conflict within her. consciously she may want to be with me. but her body, her heart, her soul knows and feels and obeys the pull to him. and while the body, the heart and the soul may know, the brain does not and i think this might be a source of conflict for her. it would explain why she can't explain why, doesn't even know why she stays. because she has no choice. he's her chosen, she just hasn't accepted it yet.
and no matter what, i'll never have it.
every days' thoughts are about her.
i would make every moment of my day, every thing i do about her. if she only wanted that.
if only i could know what it is about him that she loves so much. what traits, what characteristic is it that makes him so irresistable, so VITAL to her life? what is it that touches the very soul of her so much that it overshadows the shortcomings of their life together? what is it that is so much what she needs and wants that it overpowers her want of [whatever it is she gets from me]?
the harsh truth of it is that even if i knew what it was, it wouldn't help me get her. whatever it is, it's -his-. uniquely his. and she needs and wants it with everything that she is, to her very core. it occurs to me that she probably doesn't even realize her own response to him. she may not even be cognizant of what it is that she needs (and gets) from him.
but whatever it is, it is strong. it is vital to her, to her life, to her every single day. she could no longer give it up (and him) than she could give up water. he -is- everything to her. without patting myself on the back (coz g-d knows i don't deserve it), she's conflicted, i think, because she wants me, wants to want me, but there's this pull, this need for something he gives her. whatever else she says she's missing in her life or relationship, nothing else is as important to her and her life as [whatever it is].
it holds her to him. she needs it, needs him. i doubt he's aware of it. i know she's not. it's that thing, whatever it is, that is "love at first sight". we don't know what it is, can't quantify or name it. it's what i feel for her, a feeling that i just -knew- early. she is subject to it too, except for her it comes from him, and she isn't even aware of the pull, the need. maybe that's part of the conflict within her. consciously she may want to be with me. but her body, her heart, her soul knows and feels and obeys the pull to him. and while the body, the heart and the soul may know, the brain does not and i think this might be a source of conflict for her. it would explain why she can't explain why, doesn't even know why she stays. because she has no choice. he's her chosen, she just hasn't accepted it yet.
and no matter what, i'll never have it.
Monday, April 24, 2006
siren song
it's not just that it's -her-.
it's not just the knowledge, deep in my heart and even deeper in my soul, that she is the one.
it's not just knowing what we'd be like together, if she were to allow that.
it's -all- of her. everything i know about her conspires to punish me, to tease me.
no single thing acts alone, yet every single thing reminds me that -this- is as physically close as i'll ever get to be. everything that shows me the distance reminds me that i'll never have more of her, that he gets all her except for the piece of her that knows me when she's in the office. there are a thousand little things that remind me of my place.
today it's her voice that i'm aware of. when she talks, her voice covers me. caresses me. it sounds so ....right.... in my ears. i would know her voice anywhere, any time. i've known her voice forever, for all my life, it would seem.
how can her voice be like the touch of a lover? how can a simple conversation on the phone send me back deep into my fantasy of having her, of her wanting me? how unfair that she can have such an effect on me but not the reverse.
he has her mind and her attention for some 95% of all the time there is in a week or month or year. i have a couple, three percent. yet those few precious hours every week are more important to me, more valuable than all the rest. what must it be like to be him and to have so much of her so much of the time? he thinks it's so terrible because she spends an extra 45 or 60 minutes in the office after work, as though it's cutting into his time so much. i sit at the bottom of the priority list where every single other diversion that comes into her day, whether it be a partner wanting to chat, or a telemarketer, or the cleaning lady with cake, or just him checking up on her, every single demand for her time takes precedence.
i can fume, and rant, and rail at the unfairness of it all, but the bottom line is i'll take the time she gives, even if it's less and less. truth of the matter is, i'll take anything she'll give me.
simply because it's from her. a gift from her.
today it's her voice.
it covers me, engulfs me.
it makes me feel alive.
it's a reason to live.
and i'll continue to want all that she'll give me, whatever it is. i'll continue to wish it was to her as it is to me.
i'll continue to want her. because she's my one. even though i know that everyday, every single day, i'll have to watch her go to her chosen life, i'll still hope. still want.
her voice washes over me, warms me, hugs me, fills me.
it's not just the knowledge, deep in my heart and even deeper in my soul, that she is the one.
it's not just knowing what we'd be like together, if she were to allow that.
it's -all- of her. everything i know about her conspires to punish me, to tease me.
no single thing acts alone, yet every single thing reminds me that -this- is as physically close as i'll ever get to be. everything that shows me the distance reminds me that i'll never have more of her, that he gets all her except for the piece of her that knows me when she's in the office. there are a thousand little things that remind me of my place.
today it's her voice that i'm aware of. when she talks, her voice covers me. caresses me. it sounds so ....right.... in my ears. i would know her voice anywhere, any time. i've known her voice forever, for all my life, it would seem.
how can her voice be like the touch of a lover? how can a simple conversation on the phone send me back deep into my fantasy of having her, of her wanting me? how unfair that she can have such an effect on me but not the reverse.
he has her mind and her attention for some 95% of all the time there is in a week or month or year. i have a couple, three percent. yet those few precious hours every week are more important to me, more valuable than all the rest. what must it be like to be him and to have so much of her so much of the time? he thinks it's so terrible because she spends an extra 45 or 60 minutes in the office after work, as though it's cutting into his time so much. i sit at the bottom of the priority list where every single other diversion that comes into her day, whether it be a partner wanting to chat, or a telemarketer, or the cleaning lady with cake, or just him checking up on her, every single demand for her time takes precedence.
i can fume, and rant, and rail at the unfairness of it all, but the bottom line is i'll take the time she gives, even if it's less and less. truth of the matter is, i'll take anything she'll give me.
simply because it's from her. a gift from her.
today it's her voice.
it covers me, engulfs me.
it makes me feel alive.
it's a reason to live.
and i'll continue to want all that she'll give me, whatever it is. i'll continue to wish it was to her as it is to me.
i'll continue to want her. because she's my one. even though i know that everyday, every single day, i'll have to watch her go to her chosen life, i'll still hope. still want.
her voice washes over me, warms me, hugs me, fills me.
a changed weekend
i wish i could say that the weekend was different because i spent it with her. but no. as much as i want that, i have to accept that that'll never happen.
nevertheless it was a changed weekend.
i can't say that the weekend wasn't melancholy and sad and that there weren't times when i was on the verge of despair. but more than that, i was... well, it wasn't about me. i wanted her, thought about her all weekend. but instead of it putting me deep into the hole, it more like i was just ?wistful? all weekend. thinking about her, and knowing the sadness inside, but knowing that she's okay. even though i can't make her see, can't make her want to put her self and her happiness first, i can hope for her happiness, whatever it'll be.
thursday and friday were good days for B and i. and while i'll always know what it feels like to not have her, i believe when she tells me that she draws comfort from me over the weekends too. not the touching and holding and loving that i'd wish for, but something positive, anyway.
it's still so very confusing. i'm not worthy of her love and attention, certainly not worthy of knowing her in person,yet for whatever reasons, she holds me as a friend.
so even though she won't see me, hold me, have me in person, she will have the ?image? of me. at least i get to be with her in a way.
nevertheless it was a changed weekend.
i can't say that the weekend wasn't melancholy and sad and that there weren't times when i was on the verge of despair. but more than that, i was... well, it wasn't about me. i wanted her, thought about her all weekend. but instead of it putting me deep into the hole, it more like i was just ?wistful? all weekend. thinking about her, and knowing the sadness inside, but knowing that she's okay. even though i can't make her see, can't make her want to put her self and her happiness first, i can hope for her happiness, whatever it'll be.
thursday and friday were good days for B and i. and while i'll always know what it feels like to not have her, i believe when she tells me that she draws comfort from me over the weekends too. not the touching and holding and loving that i'd wish for, but something positive, anyway.
it's still so very confusing. i'm not worthy of her love and attention, certainly not worthy of knowing her in person,yet for whatever reasons, she holds me as a friend.
so even though she won't see me, hold me, have me in person, she will have the ?image? of me. at least i get to be with her in a way.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
yes, just not with me
i didn't know what it was that was bothering me, but it just kept nagging at me.
the other day she told me that she sees herself as fucking around on him in the future, taking lovers whenever she wants.
with her staying there, as she is, i can see that. and it'll help her find some part of the sexuality and sensuality that he can't give her.
so why should any of that be bothersome? i couldn't quite put me finger on it.
ding!
she's going to have lovers, a few, or many or a lot, who knows. she has said that she absolutely sees herself taking lovers, cheating on him.
i just won't be one of them.
go, me.
the other day she told me that she sees herself as fucking around on him in the future, taking lovers whenever she wants.
with her staying there, as she is, i can see that. and it'll help her find some part of the sexuality and sensuality that he can't give her.
so why should any of that be bothersome? i couldn't quite put me finger on it.
ding!
she's going to have lovers, a few, or many or a lot, who knows. she has said that she absolutely sees herself taking lovers, cheating on him.
i just won't be one of them.
go, me.
can't make her
you can't make anyone do anything. you can cajole, pressure, push, insist, demand, persuade or convince. but you can't make anyone to anything.
i can't make her want to let herself be happy. can't make her look at her life and choose.
can't make her want or love me.
and she can't make me understand why she stays somewhere where (it seems to me) she's unhappy, stifled, dissatisfied, unfulfilled.
truth of the matter is, it's probably much more likely that she's quite happy where she is, that the life she has, the life she's carefully built over the last eight years, the life she's chosen to stay in finally and everyday for the last 1000 days, is in fact the very life she wants. it's much more likely that i just -think- she's not happy there because that's what i want to think, because i want her to be unhappy so she'll leave to be with me.
it took just minutes to want her and just days to fall in love with her. i've tried to win her heart for almost three years and i'm no closer now than i was then. what i did manage to do was to see everything that i want in a partner in her. i made her an integral part of my day and my life. she will be in my soul long after i'm gone.
how many years will it take for the hurt to stop? when will the loss not be so crushing?
i can't make her want to let herself be happy. can't make her look at her life and choose.
can't make her want or love me.
and she can't make me understand why she stays somewhere where (it seems to me) she's unhappy, stifled, dissatisfied, unfulfilled.
truth of the matter is, it's probably much more likely that she's quite happy where she is, that the life she has, the life she's carefully built over the last eight years, the life she's chosen to stay in finally and everyday for the last 1000 days, is in fact the very life she wants. it's much more likely that i just -think- she's not happy there because that's what i want to think, because i want her to be unhappy so she'll leave to be with me.
it took just minutes to want her and just days to fall in love with her. i've tried to win her heart for almost three years and i'm no closer now than i was then. what i did manage to do was to see everything that i want in a partner in her. i made her an integral part of my day and my life. she will be in my soul long after i'm gone.
how many years will it take for the hurt to stop? when will the loss not be so crushing?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
sadness reigns
i feel so overwhelmed.
so overwhelmingly sad.
i finally have the opportunity to work near her, to be close enough that any meeting is possible. anything from the rest of my life to just five minutes to share a soda and a private moment.
except for one minor thing. her.
it's not what she wants. she has that (him) already.
my ships' come in. but i was at the airport.
i found what i was looking for, only it (her heart) belongs to someone else.
so overwhelmingly sad.
i finally have the opportunity to work near her, to be close enough that any meeting is possible. anything from the rest of my life to just five minutes to share a soda and a private moment.
except for one minor thing. her.
it's not what she wants. she has that (him) already.
my ships' come in. but i was at the airport.
i found what i was looking for, only it (her heart) belongs to someone else.
ticket to paradise. void.
this world is truly a cruel place.
for years i've wanted to find work close to B. there's just a need to be close to her in any way, in every way.
if we were lovers, being close would obviously provide opportunity for time to spend together, even if only a few minutes. if we were just friends, it'd be so easy to get together for lunch, coffee, a drink, even just to spend 10 minutes together talking face to face.
and if we weren't yet seeing each other, then being close would make it easy for us to get together, should she decide on the spur of the moment that she'd like to see me because i'd be a 20 minute drive away and not a week's notice and a plane flight.
and i'd have the opportunity to be close to her in case she wanted to see me on our third anniversary in late july.
but, the fact of the matter is, she's with a partner. she won't see me, period, can't cross that line, period. she's not mine, she's not free and she's not leaving. period.
so much for free will and freedom of choice.
too old. too fat. too late.
too bad.
for years i've wanted to find work close to B. there's just a need to be close to her in any way, in every way.
if we were lovers, being close would obviously provide opportunity for time to spend together, even if only a few minutes. if we were just friends, it'd be so easy to get together for lunch, coffee, a drink, even just to spend 10 minutes together talking face to face.
and if we weren't yet seeing each other, then being close would make it easy for us to get together, should she decide on the spur of the moment that she'd like to see me because i'd be a 20 minute drive away and not a week's notice and a plane flight.
and i'd have the opportunity to be close to her in case she wanted to see me on our third anniversary in late july.
but, the fact of the matter is, she's with a partner. she won't see me, period, can't cross that line, period. she's not mine, she's not free and she's not leaving. period.
so much for free will and freedom of choice.
too old. too fat. too late.
too bad.
Monday, April 17, 2006
better, but not that much better?
I'm definitely "better" - in that i can spend the weekend without her without being stuck in a deep black hole of loneliness and depression, agonizing every second over why she chose him instead of me.
i guess not so much better that an extra hour without her is easy.
fuck
i guess not so much better that an extra hour without her is easy.
fuck
Friday, April 14, 2006
mixed emotions
day 2 (of 4.67) of B being out of touch.
i'm full of very, very mixed emotions.
i miss her, of course. i miss her anytime we're out of touch, even every weeknight after she goes home to him. so in that regard, i'm empty, alone, sad, missing her very much.
on the other hand, i feel good because i know she's spending time with her dad today. just knowing that that'll make her happy, -is- making her happy, helps. it makes me smile, makes me feel good for her.
and while i look at the empty spot in my day and know that she's missing, she's still with me. maybe i'm accepting, bit by tiny bit, that she's not mine, that i won't have her.
i still miss her though, every moment. and want her.
i can't wait for monday.
i'm full of very, very mixed emotions.
i miss her, of course. i miss her anytime we're out of touch, even every weeknight after she goes home to him. so in that regard, i'm empty, alone, sad, missing her very much.
on the other hand, i feel good because i know she's spending time with her dad today. just knowing that that'll make her happy, -is- making her happy, helps. it makes me smile, makes me feel good for her.
and while i look at the empty spot in my day and know that she's missing, she's still with me. maybe i'm accepting, bit by tiny bit, that she's not mine, that i won't have her.
i still miss her though, every moment. and want her.
i can't wait for monday.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
"holi"days. not "happy" days
another fucking four day weekend.
needless to say, without her. completely out of touch. again.
i'll be out of her world and out of her mind.
to me, she'll just be unreachable. living her life. and i'll be thinking about her enough for both of us. many times over.
i hate days off.
days off = days alone = days when she's gone to me completely.
when she's gone, i don't exist. not to her. barely to me. i, that is, the body that is me, serves as a placeholder in this physical world until she returns. and when i hear her voice again, -then- i become real again.
barely an hour to go until she's gone from my reality and me from her entire existence.
for four long days.
fuck
needless to say, without her. completely out of touch. again.
i'll be out of her world and out of her mind.
to me, she'll just be unreachable. living her life. and i'll be thinking about her enough for both of us. many times over.
i hate days off.
days off = days alone = days when she's gone to me completely.
when she's gone, i don't exist. not to her. barely to me. i, that is, the body that is me, serves as a placeholder in this physical world until she returns. and when i hear her voice again, -then- i become real again.
barely an hour to go until she's gone from my reality and me from her entire existence.
for four long days.
fuck
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
shock and fear
hurt is all there is. she's hurt. i'm hurt. our relationship is hurting.
can we get through this? yes.
i'm willing to do anything for her, to continue to have her as my friend and in my life.
is she? i don't know. she's hurt. angry. disappointed. feeling alone.
i have faith that she'll call today, that she'll reach out to me, or at least, open the door for me to reach to her.
and i will. if only she'd give me the chance.
i miss her so much.
can we get through this? yes.
i'm willing to do anything for her, to continue to have her as my friend and in my life.
is she? i don't know. she's hurt. angry. disappointed. feeling alone.
i have faith that she'll call today, that she'll reach out to me, or at least, open the door for me to reach to her.
and i will. if only she'd give me the chance.
i miss her so much.
Monday, April 10, 2006
last one to know
i had a conversation with a friend last night, about Sunday nights.
sunday nights are hard for me, harder than most others. i'm not sure why - i guess it's a wind down, a wrap up, a conclusion or something. and while it also means that i'll hopefully be talking to B again soon, well, what is it they say? it's always darkest just before the dawn?
me: sundays are hard for me.
her: ... why? because of being alone?
me: yeah. i miss B. and it makes me so mad that she can't see things like i do. i never pictured a future other than being with her. i have this incredible sadness. having a really hard time with it.
her: honestly i have seen you start to have some kind of acceptance about [B] since we first met. it sounds cliche but it's true... first acceptance, then anger.
me: i've learned so much about my self sexually with her. but now what? how long will sex last, 10 more years? then what?
her: you need to have someone you can have that w/for the next number of years that you can see yourself still with after that fades
me: yeah, i know. it's B. now what?
her: M[y name]- it's not gonna be B. you know it. she's not the only one you can have that with. granted not as deep as with B but you can still have it.
me: it does hurt. and what you say is probably true, but i have to keep a shred of hope though. i have to, or it feels like what's the point?
-----------
how can everyone so casually accept the demise of a relationship like this? is it just in my fucking head that my relationship with B was so special? why else would it be so easy for her to just say no and walk away?
sunday nights are hard for me, harder than most others. i'm not sure why - i guess it's a wind down, a wrap up, a conclusion or something. and while it also means that i'll hopefully be talking to B again soon, well, what is it they say? it's always darkest just before the dawn?
me: sundays are hard for me.
her: ... why? because of being alone?
me: yeah. i miss B. and it makes me so mad that she can't see things like i do. i never pictured a future other than being with her. i have this incredible sadness. having a really hard time with it.
her: honestly i have seen you start to have some kind of acceptance about [B] since we first met. it sounds cliche but it's true... first acceptance, then anger.
me: i've learned so much about my self sexually with her. but now what? how long will sex last, 10 more years? then what?
her: you need to have someone you can have that w/for the next number of years that you can see yourself still with after that fades
me: yeah, i know. it's B. now what?
her: M[y name]- it's not gonna be B. you know it. she's not the only one you can have that with. granted not as deep as with B but you can still have it.
me: it does hurt. and what you say is probably true, but i have to keep a shred of hope though. i have to, or it feels like what's the point?
-----------
how can everyone so casually accept the demise of a relationship like this? is it just in my fucking head that my relationship with B was so special? why else would it be so easy for her to just say no and walk away?
Friday, April 07, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
lessons never learned
g-d, but i can be thick at times. or is it all males?
when you're young and the object of your desire breaks up with you, don't you learn, fairly quickly, that there's nothing, NOTHING you can do to change her mind? you can't argue your case and get a stay of judgement. you can't convince her that there's some facts she didn't know about or that are maybe different than she thought they were.
if she doesn't want you, that's it. game over. no reprieve, no stay of execution, no second chance.
so why do i continue to think that -something- i do or say or show B will somehow convince her to want me?
fuck!
what the hell is wrong with me???
SHE DOESN'T WANT ME.
when am i ever gonna fucking learn and accept that?
she has what she wants. -all- that she wants. period.
i'm really a pretty smart guy. so why am i so fucking stupid?
i guess i know the answer but don't want to accept it because it means, it PROVES that the universe is an unfair place.
i continue to think that because it's so right for -me- that it must be right for her. that because i love -her- so much that she must love me, right? BZZZZT!!!! but thank you for playing. and yet, it's so obvious, after so much time, that it's NOT right for her. she's told me so many times that it'd just be too much work, too much possible pain, too much effort. yet i still persist in believing that love conquers all.
gimme a fucking break. g-d. how can i be so FUCKING STUPDI???
X does NOT imply Y. period.
because i feel such and such about her doesn't mean she feels the same way.
fuck.
and yet, i know that i won't stop, won't give up, until she's beat it into my head so many times that passersby on the street will be able to read it on my forehead: SHE DOESN"T WANT ME. SHE"S QUITE HAPPY WITH WHAT SHE HAS. SHE DOESN"T WANT OR NEED ANYTHING MORE. STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME WITH THIS LOVE SHIT.
period.
i fall under the "anything more" category. the category of stuff that's not needed.
and yet i have no doubt that when my last breath passes my lips i'll be thinking of her. and wondering if she's happy as the mother of tony's kids. as his wife. and as the dark descends i hope i can finally understand and accept that, yes, she is.
most women would say that men are fools because we always let our cocks decide our actions. and yet, when we do what they always say they want us to do, to let our hearts and our feelings guide what we do, they don't want that either and we come out looking like even bigger fools.
when you're young and the object of your desire breaks up with you, don't you learn, fairly quickly, that there's nothing, NOTHING you can do to change her mind? you can't argue your case and get a stay of judgement. you can't convince her that there's some facts she didn't know about or that are maybe different than she thought they were.
if she doesn't want you, that's it. game over. no reprieve, no stay of execution, no second chance.
so why do i continue to think that -something- i do or say or show B will somehow convince her to want me?
fuck!
what the hell is wrong with me???
SHE DOESN'T WANT ME.
when am i ever gonna fucking learn and accept that?
she has what she wants. -all- that she wants. period.
i'm really a pretty smart guy. so why am i so fucking stupid?
i guess i know the answer but don't want to accept it because it means, it PROVES that the universe is an unfair place.
i continue to think that because it's so right for -me- that it must be right for her. that because i love -her- so much that she must love me, right? BZZZZT!!!! but thank you for playing. and yet, it's so obvious, after so much time, that it's NOT right for her. she's told me so many times that it'd just be too much work, too much possible pain, too much effort. yet i still persist in believing that love conquers all.
gimme a fucking break. g-d. how can i be so FUCKING STUPDI???
X does NOT imply Y. period.
because i feel such and such about her doesn't mean she feels the same way.
fuck.
and yet, i know that i won't stop, won't give up, until she's beat it into my head so many times that passersby on the street will be able to read it on my forehead: SHE DOESN"T WANT ME. SHE"S QUITE HAPPY WITH WHAT SHE HAS. SHE DOESN"T WANT OR NEED ANYTHING MORE. STOP FUCKING BOTHERING ME WITH THIS LOVE SHIT.
period.
i fall under the "anything more" category. the category of stuff that's not needed.
and yet i have no doubt that when my last breath passes my lips i'll be thinking of her. and wondering if she's happy as the mother of tony's kids. as his wife. and as the dark descends i hope i can finally understand and accept that, yes, she is.
most women would say that men are fools because we always let our cocks decide our actions. and yet, when we do what they always say they want us to do, to let our hearts and our feelings guide what we do, they don't want that either and we come out looking like even bigger fools.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
there, their, they're
there, not here.
their life, not ours.
they're together, not us.
they're their, there.
their life, not ours.
they're together, not us.
they're their, there.
close of business
it's past her closing time. the time when, before, we would have been talking.
she's not back.
somehow i knew today would end like this.
not that that makes it any easier.
fuck.
it's like being in a restaurant and although they haven't flashed the lights or asked you to leave, the waitstaff is pulling all the other table cloths off, refilling the salt and pepper shakers, putting the chairs on the tables and blowing out the candles.
it could have been so good.
she's not back.
somehow i knew today would end like this.
not that that makes it any easier.
fuck.
it's like being in a restaurant and although they haven't flashed the lights or asked you to leave, the waitstaff is pulling all the other table cloths off, refilling the salt and pepper shakers, putting the chairs on the tables and blowing out the candles.
it could have been so good.
gotta stop
i have to stop this.
she's not my wife or girlfriend or lover or significant other or ANYTHING like that. she's my friend.
i can't make (or have) any expectations on her whereabouts or what she does or her hours or any of that shit. because it's just not my business. -he- can have those expectations because he is her life partner. i'm not. not now, not soon, not ever. i have no RIGHT, none whatsoever, to any of her, her time, her day, her schedule, her -anything- other than whatever she chooses to give to me.
i can't be upset because she's with him or because she's staying with him. i can't be upset because she doesn't call me when she's away or on the weekends or, frankly, at any time. if she doesn't call me for seventeen days straight, i have NO RIGHT to get upset. i have no claim to her, none at all.
none.
i have no claim on her at all. none. i'm "entitled" to nothing other than what she chooses to give me, whether that's all the attention i want from her or none at all. he's allowed to make claims or demands or have expectations, not i.
like the fedex guy, the pizza guy, the convenience store clerk or the guy at the drive-through, i'm someone in her day. well, except they get to be around her, see her, maybe know her name and where she works, talk to her face to face, see her smile and the twinkle in her eyes, if only for a moment.
-he- is the rest of her world, her life, her everything.
-he- is her past. her present. and her future.
her everything.
i'm a friend.
she's not my wife or girlfriend or lover or significant other or ANYTHING like that. she's my friend.
i can't make (or have) any expectations on her whereabouts or what she does or her hours or any of that shit. because it's just not my business. -he- can have those expectations because he is her life partner. i'm not. not now, not soon, not ever. i have no RIGHT, none whatsoever, to any of her, her time, her day, her schedule, her -anything- other than whatever she chooses to give to me.
i can't be upset because she's with him or because she's staying with him. i can't be upset because she doesn't call me when she's away or on the weekends or, frankly, at any time. if she doesn't call me for seventeen days straight, i have NO RIGHT to get upset. i have no claim to her, none at all.
none.
i have no claim on her at all. none. i'm "entitled" to nothing other than what she chooses to give me, whether that's all the attention i want from her or none at all. he's allowed to make claims or demands or have expectations, not i.
like the fedex guy, the pizza guy, the convenience store clerk or the guy at the drive-through, i'm someone in her day. well, except they get to be around her, see her, maybe know her name and where she works, talk to her face to face, see her smile and the twinkle in her eyes, if only for a moment.
-he- is the rest of her world, her life, her everything.
-he- is her past. her present. and her future.
her everything.
i'm a friend.
just not possible
every minute, every second ticks by interminably slowly.
it's nearly quitting time for her on day 2 of her trip/being away.
no word. no contact. no nothing. but i expected nothing. which doesn't make it an easier.
if it's a biz trip, there's a chance she'll be back tomorrow. otherwise, i expect it'll be monday.
the last 3 hours have taken days to pass oh so slowly. and three more just to get to the end of this fucking day. and then the night. and the morning. and tomorrow. and the weekend. and next month. next year. the rest of my life.
will it ever stop hurting?
it's nearly quitting time for her on day 2 of her trip/being away.
no word. no contact. no nothing. but i expected nothing. which doesn't make it an easier.
if it's a biz trip, there's a chance she'll be back tomorrow. otherwise, i expect it'll be monday.
the last 3 hours have taken days to pass oh so slowly. and three more just to get to the end of this fucking day. and then the night. and the morning. and tomorrow. and the weekend. and next month. next year. the rest of my life.
will it ever stop hurting?
todays' weather: grey.
i've thought about her so many times today that it seems like she's all i'm thinking about now.
it starts out as where's my love, my lover? where is she, why isn't she here? oh, right, she's away, biz trip or otherwise. and then it's oh wait, she's not my lover. she's my friend. i shouldn't be thinking about her this way or this often, she's a friend. she's clearly shown that "lover" doesn't apply, isn't wanted. his, not mine. there, not here. their life, not ours.
and as these numbing, heart-deadening thoughts reverberate through me, i become... grey. dead. more and more alone. despondent.
i know she'll call again, today, or tomorrow, or thursday or friday or monday, but soon. and i'll be glad to hear her voice and happy to talk to her, even for the few minutes i'll get. and something she'll say or the tone of her voice or some imaginary "yes" i hear in my head will make my heart leap and hope once again. and then it'll become obvious, again, that it's "friend" not "lover". and the colors will fade and the numbness will set in.
and then she'll say goodbye, again, and go home to her life with her chosen, again.
and i'll stare at her picture at night, wondering why i wasn't enough for her. and try not to reread cards or letters or emails searching for the clue, the thing that i missed that might have made a difference, knowing all the time that it's not there, that i never had a chance with her.
i never had a chance with her. we never had a chance.
the sun is shining right now and it's gonna be 84 today. it'll be a beautiful day for her and for everyone else who has their special someone. and another in an endless string of grey days stretching infinitely into the future for those of us who have lost or never had the chance to be with our special someone.
there's a song (Harry Chapin, i think) about a dry cleaner who sings in his shop. all his customers rave and tell him he should do it professionally. so he does. he takes everything and rents a hall for his debut performance. and he gets panned, mercilessly, by the critics. and he never sings again, except softly, in private.
should i tell a similar story about an average guy with passion and love who finds the song he wants to sing and gives his all, everything he can possibly give, to sing the song as best he can, for as long as he can, forever if possible. but he can't make the cut - there wasn't even an audition. and so he never loves or is passionate again in public. but he still sings the song in his heart and he can still hear how it would sound as a duet. the words and the melody are still with him all the time, but he can only whisper the song in private because no one other than him wants to hear it and to sing it aloud and alone is more than he can bear to do.
it starts out as where's my love, my lover? where is she, why isn't she here? oh, right, she's away, biz trip or otherwise. and then it's oh wait, she's not my lover. she's my friend. i shouldn't be thinking about her this way or this often, she's a friend. she's clearly shown that "lover" doesn't apply, isn't wanted. his, not mine. there, not here. their life, not ours.
and as these numbing, heart-deadening thoughts reverberate through me, i become... grey. dead. more and more alone. despondent.
i know she'll call again, today, or tomorrow, or thursday or friday or monday, but soon. and i'll be glad to hear her voice and happy to talk to her, even for the few minutes i'll get. and something she'll say or the tone of her voice or some imaginary "yes" i hear in my head will make my heart leap and hope once again. and then it'll become obvious, again, that it's "friend" not "lover". and the colors will fade and the numbness will set in.
and then she'll say goodbye, again, and go home to her life with her chosen, again.
and i'll stare at her picture at night, wondering why i wasn't enough for her. and try not to reread cards or letters or emails searching for the clue, the thing that i missed that might have made a difference, knowing all the time that it's not there, that i never had a chance with her.
i never had a chance with her. we never had a chance.
the sun is shining right now and it's gonna be 84 today. it'll be a beautiful day for her and for everyone else who has their special someone. and another in an endless string of grey days stretching infinitely into the future for those of us who have lost or never had the chance to be with our special someone.
there's a song (Harry Chapin, i think) about a dry cleaner who sings in his shop. all his customers rave and tell him he should do it professionally. so he does. he takes everything and rents a hall for his debut performance. and he gets panned, mercilessly, by the critics. and he never sings again, except softly, in private.
should i tell a similar story about an average guy with passion and love who finds the song he wants to sing and gives his all, everything he can possibly give, to sing the song as best he can, for as long as he can, forever if possible. but he can't make the cut - there wasn't even an audition. and so he never loves or is passionate again in public. but he still sings the song in his heart and he can still hear how it would sound as a duet. the words and the melody are still with him all the time, but he can only whisper the song in private because no one other than him wants to hear it and to sing it aloud and alone is more than he can bear to do.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
you can't go back
who says time travel isn't possible?
i did something tonight that i'm not sure i should have done, but i'm kinda glad for it anyway. and kinda very much wish i hadn't.
i realized recently that i've been writing this diary (gonna call it a diary because diaries are private and blogs have readers and except for some spam comments several months ago, this is pretty much a diary) for over a year. fifteen months, in fact.
woohoo. a milestone.
i went back and reread the first month or so worth of postings.
not sure that was a really good idea.
for one thing, a year ago B and i were, in some ways, much closer. it was just a few months after he first found out about me (in her email), just 4 or 5 weeks after he found her phone and just a couple of weeks since i'd sent an email to her old email account which he'd been checking. because of all that, she was consciously putting any feeling for me aside. i was worried at the time that putting those aside would become the norm for her, that she'd come to accept -less- as what she felt. in some ways, i was right.
a year ago, she was trying to decide whether to stay with him or not. (i'm sure it's actually been for a couple of years, but ...) she still is, although i think her mind's pretty made up. last december, when she said she wanted to take a few months to look at her life and decide if what she had was enough for her i warned her that she'd grow used to things, however they were, and that he'd ease up a little and she'd feel that as an improvement and then she'd be able to say "oh things have gotten better", when in fact they were still worse than ever before. in some ways, i was right.
a year ago, i was scared that i was losing her and that that was imminent. a year later, i have lost her. she's still in my life but anything beyond phone or email or im is unlikely, at best. a year ago i was terrified that i'd never get to see her, never hold her, never kiss her. now it's true. and no less terrifying.
a year ago i was sure, SURE, absolutely fucking positive that we'd have met, if not actually -be together- by the end of '05. i was wrong. so fucking wrong. i should have remembered what she wrote in her adult ad that she was looking for - "men for erotic email/chat/phone..". actual meeting was NOT something she was seeking. so why the fuck did i think she'd want to ever meet -me-? so many times during the year i was sure she was going to ask me to come see her, or that she'd stop hiding from me, or even just send me that just-for-me picture that i've asked her for for over two years. i was wrong, on all counts.
i have to stop looking backwards, hoping to find hope because i only find pain. there's enough of that coming with the loneliness and emptiness of the rest of my life without her. so many years to come of wondering if she's happy, if she's still with him, if she's living her life as fully as she should. so many years of not knowing.
so many years of knowing what could have been.
i did something tonight that i'm not sure i should have done, but i'm kinda glad for it anyway. and kinda very much wish i hadn't.
i realized recently that i've been writing this diary (gonna call it a diary because diaries are private and blogs have readers and except for some spam comments several months ago, this is pretty much a diary) for over a year. fifteen months, in fact.
woohoo. a milestone.
i went back and reread the first month or so worth of postings.
not sure that was a really good idea.
for one thing, a year ago B and i were, in some ways, much closer. it was just a few months after he first found out about me (in her email), just 4 or 5 weeks after he found her phone and just a couple of weeks since i'd sent an email to her old email account which he'd been checking. because of all that, she was consciously putting any feeling for me aside. i was worried at the time that putting those aside would become the norm for her, that she'd come to accept -less- as what she felt. in some ways, i was right.
a year ago, she was trying to decide whether to stay with him or not. (i'm sure it's actually been for a couple of years, but ...) she still is, although i think her mind's pretty made up. last december, when she said she wanted to take a few months to look at her life and decide if what she had was enough for her i warned her that she'd grow used to things, however they were, and that he'd ease up a little and she'd feel that as an improvement and then she'd be able to say "oh things have gotten better", when in fact they were still worse than ever before. in some ways, i was right.
a year ago, i was scared that i was losing her and that that was imminent. a year later, i have lost her. she's still in my life but anything beyond phone or email or im is unlikely, at best. a year ago i was terrified that i'd never get to see her, never hold her, never kiss her. now it's true. and no less terrifying.
a year ago i was sure, SURE, absolutely fucking positive that we'd have met, if not actually -be together- by the end of '05. i was wrong. so fucking wrong. i should have remembered what she wrote in her adult ad that she was looking for - "men for erotic email/chat/phone..". actual meeting was NOT something she was seeking. so why the fuck did i think she'd want to ever meet -me-? so many times during the year i was sure she was going to ask me to come see her, or that she'd stop hiding from me, or even just send me that just-for-me picture that i've asked her for for over two years. i was wrong, on all counts.
i have to stop looking backwards, hoping to find hope because i only find pain. there's enough of that coming with the loneliness and emptiness of the rest of my life without her. so many years to come of wondering if she's happy, if she's still with him, if she's living her life as fully as she should. so many years of not knowing.
so many years of knowing what could have been.
anger. sadness. resignation.
sometimes i'm so angry with her. ANGRY.
i'm so MAD that she doesn't, -won't- see what seems so obvious. that she won't take the actions that she should be taking based on what she says her desires are.
i'm so mad at her that she's fallen victim to the financial trappings of their early success. they've been so successful financially that even though her relationship has deteriorated into "tolerable" and "not so bad" and hating to be touched by him, that she can't give it up.
the toys win over love.
i don't understand, don't get it. she's so much smarter than that. that's such a 20-something mindset and she's so much smarter and more mature than her years, she knows herself so much more than most people much older than her. why does she not see it?
i'm so sad about it all. like finding that rare four leaf clover, finding -us- was such a fantastically unlikely event. finding two people who connect like we do is such a rarity, how could it not be celebrated, the opportunity not be SEIZED?
but i lose out to a nice guy that she likes less and less, and to the house on the water, and the boat and the ample bank accounts and the habit, the FUCKING HABIT, of doing today what she did yesterday - go home to a nice place with nice things with a guy she used to love but whom she can't stand to have even touch her anymore. but it's familiar. and it's easy. and it doesn't have to be explained to anyone. no explanation to his family, her family, their friends on why the seemingly perfect couple is breaking up. no explanation needed to anyone. least of all me.
money. fucking money.
and after the sadness settles and the tears dry, there's resignation. she's made her mind up. i lose. i'll never even get to see her. i'll die with an empty spot for her reserved in my heart, but we'll never meet.
and maybe the saddest thing is that in a few years, maybe 5, or 10, or even 20, she'll change her mind. she'll leave him. she'll have a much better idea of what she wants in a partner, a companion, a husband, a lover. and she will find him. he will wonder at her strength and her capacity for love and for all that she brings to his life. and he will give her the love and support and honor and respect that she deserves. and he will thank g-d for bringing her into his life.
and then, i hope, she'll be happy.
i wonder... will she think back to this time, to this rare meeting of souls, and think it a missed opportunity? or will this/us/i have faded completely from her memory?
i wonder if she'll remember the short time when she found what she wanted before she knew she wanted it, before she even knew it existed.
i wonder if she'll remember me?
i'm so MAD that she doesn't, -won't- see what seems so obvious. that she won't take the actions that she should be taking based on what she says her desires are.
i'm so mad at her that she's fallen victim to the financial trappings of their early success. they've been so successful financially that even though her relationship has deteriorated into "tolerable" and "not so bad" and hating to be touched by him, that she can't give it up.
the toys win over love.
i don't understand, don't get it. she's so much smarter than that. that's such a 20-something mindset and she's so much smarter and more mature than her years, she knows herself so much more than most people much older than her. why does she not see it?
i'm so sad about it all. like finding that rare four leaf clover, finding -us- was such a fantastically unlikely event. finding two people who connect like we do is such a rarity, how could it not be celebrated, the opportunity not be SEIZED?
but i lose out to a nice guy that she likes less and less, and to the house on the water, and the boat and the ample bank accounts and the habit, the FUCKING HABIT, of doing today what she did yesterday - go home to a nice place with nice things with a guy she used to love but whom she can't stand to have even touch her anymore. but it's familiar. and it's easy. and it doesn't have to be explained to anyone. no explanation to his family, her family, their friends on why the seemingly perfect couple is breaking up. no explanation needed to anyone. least of all me.
money. fucking money.
and after the sadness settles and the tears dry, there's resignation. she's made her mind up. i lose. i'll never even get to see her. i'll die with an empty spot for her reserved in my heart, but we'll never meet.
and maybe the saddest thing is that in a few years, maybe 5, or 10, or even 20, she'll change her mind. she'll leave him. she'll have a much better idea of what she wants in a partner, a companion, a husband, a lover. and she will find him. he will wonder at her strength and her capacity for love and for all that she brings to his life. and he will give her the love and support and honor and respect that she deserves. and he will thank g-d for bringing her into his life.
and then, i hope, she'll be happy.
i wonder... will she think back to this time, to this rare meeting of souls, and think it a missed opportunity? or will this/us/i have faded completely from her memory?
i wonder if she'll remember the short time when she found what she wanted before she knew she wanted it, before she even knew it existed.
i wonder if she'll remember me?
conspiracy theory 2
when left alone in a vacuum with no concrete facts, the mind plays tricks. the imagination runs rampant.
sudden business trip, today & tomorrow. return time tomorrow unknown, but based on conversation, should be mid day, latest. i wonder if it'll turn into late evening return and not back in the office till thursday or even friday.
specifically stated that she would not be able to stop in the office on the way to or from the airport. why not from? if returning midday, wouldn't she go direct from airport to office? and if returning midday, he wouldn't take/pick her up from the airport - wouldn't make sense. so, she's not driving to the airport. so she's not planning on coming back midday.
mom and sister in town for the first time in a while.
in a wedding on the beach this past weekend.
though a little fast, a wedding last weekend would have been doable after a Valentines' Day proposal and acceptance.
their "being together" anniversary is in april.
company owns a condo (underutilized) in Metropolis.
she gave him a trip to Metropolis for his ?birthday? present, with a future date undetermined.
they've taken a couple of 2 or 3 day trips there since i've known her.
she doesn't like to be away from the office for long, so a short getaway now would be something she'd do, with a longer trip in the future.
she couldn't/wouldn't take her phone on the trip. why not? he wasn't going, so ??? or maybe he did.
she adamantly stated she could not and would not call while away. why not? if she's alone all evening, even after business meals, why would a phone call have been a problem? unless he went.
a wedding. a trip. incommunicado.
a marriage? a honeymoon?
sudden business trip, today & tomorrow. return time tomorrow unknown, but based on conversation, should be mid day, latest. i wonder if it'll turn into late evening return and not back in the office till thursday or even friday.
specifically stated that she would not be able to stop in the office on the way to or from the airport. why not from? if returning midday, wouldn't she go direct from airport to office? and if returning midday, he wouldn't take/pick her up from the airport - wouldn't make sense. so, she's not driving to the airport. so she's not planning on coming back midday.
mom and sister in town for the first time in a while.
in a wedding on the beach this past weekend.
though a little fast, a wedding last weekend would have been doable after a Valentines' Day proposal and acceptance.
their "being together" anniversary is in april.
company owns a condo (underutilized) in Metropolis.
she gave him a trip to Metropolis for his ?birthday? present, with a future date undetermined.
they've taken a couple of 2 or 3 day trips there since i've known her.
she doesn't like to be away from the office for long, so a short getaway now would be something she'd do, with a longer trip in the future.
she couldn't/wouldn't take her phone on the trip. why not? he wasn't going, so ??? or maybe he did.
she adamantly stated she could not and would not call while away. why not? if she's alone all evening, even after business meals, why would a phone call have been a problem? unless he went.
a wedding. a trip. incommunicado.
a marriage? a honeymoon?
boy in a box
B is on travel for a day or two. she made a point of telling me she not only -couldn't- but -wouldn't- take the phone. translation: we -won't- talk while i'm away. i asked her if she'd call me anyway. i mean, pay phone? calling card from the room? what the fuck is the problem? another way for her to control me and us and this? i -could- call you, if i wanted to, but i won't. not because i can't, because i could find a way if i wanted to, but because -i say- i can't.
i couldn't figure out what the g-ddamned problem was. find a pay phone, use a calling card. this morning i figured it out.
i, and everything about/related to me, belong in a box. the box is her office, her work day.
she can't say hi to the person who supposedly means a lot to her? she'll call bf six times throughout the day and he'll call her six more. i get silence. no calls, no ims, no emails, no text messages. i get to wonder: is she having lunch with the clients right now or are they still working, getting ready to take them to lunch, are the meetings going well? guarantee you bf knows where they're having lunch, who's there, how the meetings are going, what she's wearing, what's the weather like, what kind of rental car are you driving, is J (from her office) with them, are any of them flirting with you, are you going to fuck them all? because he thinks she's fucking around, so she has to keep him placated. she knows i won't leave, i don't accuse her of anything (except settling for less than she wants). so i get silence. a day and a half away and when she gets back and i ask her about it she'll say it went fine. i don't even know for sure what fucking city she's in. he no doubt gave her shit about this short notice travel, accuses her of fucking around with everyone, will be checking up on her with phone calls at random times throughout the day, will demand, DEMAND that she call him at such and such a time (and she'll comply). i support her ( i think) - i tell her she should make the trip, should leave the office now coz it's late, should have a good weekend with him. i try not to pressure her, try to make sure that my ?discomfort? or whatever with her being gone doesn't add to her stress in anyway. close the box, put it in the closet, don't think about it until whenever. it'll be here when you get back. i'll be here.
to call me outside of work, like when she's on travel, would be to take me outside the box. and she can't do that. to meet me would be to take me out of the box. and she can't do that. to stop hiding her identity from me would be to take me out of the box. and she can't do that.
as she's said many times, she can justify having me in her (work) life. from the very beginning, she's said she needed to control this situation (her and i). so she's never given me any personal information. never given me a phone number, or a clear picture, or agreed to meet.
earlier on in our relationship, she started to loosen that a little. she carried a phone with her, all the time. she called when she commuted, on our evening night, on saturdays, when she went out alone on the weekends. sent me emails or ims from home.
then he found out. accused her of fucking around on him. and ever since, she's been reeling "us" in, putting us (well, me) more and more into a box - the work box. because she can justify that. she's not cheating, she's just talking to someone who knows her very well and whom she knows and cares about. but only at work. so there's really no "cheating". i'm just a -small- part of her day. her work day. and only her work day.
she keeps everything i've sent her in a box in her office. a physical box for the physical things. a metaphysical box for me. i think it gives her some comfort or security to know that if he's storming through the door she can just take a quick look around the office, pick up those two boxes, a short walk to the dumpster and *poof* i'm gone. all evidence of me is gone. her life is clean again. and she never cheated. if she were to let me out of the box, there might be all these messy little details laying around, stuff that she couldn't be sure she got "cleaned up" and tossed away, stuff that might turn up at an inopportune moment in the future and jeopardize her carefully constructed and controlled life.
to call me on the weekend would be letting me out beyond the box of her work day. to call me when she's on travel would be letting me out of the box. to call someone other than bf when she's away, or not at work, or on the weekend, would be that much closer to cheating. and she won't cheat on him. period.
to give me her name, or phone, or a picture of her smile, or to meet (even for frikking lunch) - all would be too close to cheating, to letting me out of the box.
she can't let me out of the box because then we become perilously close to "cheating". and she can't do that. because she's not a cheater. never was, never will be. it's not in her to do it. but she can justify me/us because i'm just during the workday. we haven't fucked. we've never met. i don't have personal information about her.
she finally admitted to me (and probably to herself for the first time) that a major reason she stays is because of money. she's not yet 30 yet she has and has accomplished more than 95% of people 50 years old. she has more success, more money, more toys, the house on the water, all of it. she has everything she thought she wanted.
and she can't give it up.
in some ways, i understand.
but my 18 years of additional life experience have taught me one thing: you can't buy happiness. sounds cliche, but very true. because she's so mature beyond her years, i'm a little surprised she hasn't figured this out yet. (i think she has, but just hasn't ?accepted? it.) when you're young(er) and acquiring your "things", each new thing (new house, new boat, new car, new vacation home, new whatever) seems like it'll bring some more happiness, some satisfaction, help fill the emptiness in an empty relationship. (if i don't think about how empty my relationship is, then it won't be that way). when you're older, you come to realize that you've built a beautiful mansion of pretty things, none of which satisfy you, none of which fill the empty spot in your heart and soul, none of which bring you the love and connection that a soulmate brings. the collection of love/companionship substitutes becomes an empty prison. you find yourself surrounded by all these -things-, none of which have any real meaning, no real value. it's the Club Fed of domestic relationships. country club living, all the nice things, but at the end of the day, you're still in prison. a prison built of your own hands, but a prison nonetheless. still locked away.
still alone.
i couldn't figure out what the g-ddamned problem was. find a pay phone, use a calling card. this morning i figured it out.
i, and everything about/related to me, belong in a box. the box is her office, her work day.
she can't say hi to the person who supposedly means a lot to her? she'll call bf six times throughout the day and he'll call her six more. i get silence. no calls, no ims, no emails, no text messages. i get to wonder: is she having lunch with the clients right now or are they still working, getting ready to take them to lunch, are the meetings going well? guarantee you bf knows where they're having lunch, who's there, how the meetings are going, what she's wearing, what's the weather like, what kind of rental car are you driving, is J (from her office) with them, are any of them flirting with you, are you going to fuck them all? because he thinks she's fucking around, so she has to keep him placated. she knows i won't leave, i don't accuse her of anything (except settling for less than she wants). so i get silence. a day and a half away and when she gets back and i ask her about it she'll say it went fine. i don't even know for sure what fucking city she's in. he no doubt gave her shit about this short notice travel, accuses her of fucking around with everyone, will be checking up on her with phone calls at random times throughout the day, will demand, DEMAND that she call him at such and such a time (and she'll comply). i support her ( i think) - i tell her she should make the trip, should leave the office now coz it's late, should have a good weekend with him. i try not to pressure her, try to make sure that my ?discomfort? or whatever with her being gone doesn't add to her stress in anyway. close the box, put it in the closet, don't think about it until whenever. it'll be here when you get back. i'll be here.
to call me outside of work, like when she's on travel, would be to take me outside the box. and she can't do that. to meet me would be to take me out of the box. and she can't do that. to stop hiding her identity from me would be to take me out of the box. and she can't do that.
as she's said many times, she can justify having me in her (work) life. from the very beginning, she's said she needed to control this situation (her and i). so she's never given me any personal information. never given me a phone number, or a clear picture, or agreed to meet.
earlier on in our relationship, she started to loosen that a little. she carried a phone with her, all the time. she called when she commuted, on our evening night, on saturdays, when she went out alone on the weekends. sent me emails or ims from home.
then he found out. accused her of fucking around on him. and ever since, she's been reeling "us" in, putting us (well, me) more and more into a box - the work box. because she can justify that. she's not cheating, she's just talking to someone who knows her very well and whom she knows and cares about. but only at work. so there's really no "cheating". i'm just a -small- part of her day. her work day. and only her work day.
she keeps everything i've sent her in a box in her office. a physical box for the physical things. a metaphysical box for me. i think it gives her some comfort or security to know that if he's storming through the door she can just take a quick look around the office, pick up those two boxes, a short walk to the dumpster and *poof* i'm gone. all evidence of me is gone. her life is clean again. and she never cheated. if she were to let me out of the box, there might be all these messy little details laying around, stuff that she couldn't be sure she got "cleaned up" and tossed away, stuff that might turn up at an inopportune moment in the future and jeopardize her carefully constructed and controlled life.
to call me on the weekend would be letting me out beyond the box of her work day. to call me when she's on travel would be letting me out of the box. to call someone other than bf when she's away, or not at work, or on the weekend, would be that much closer to cheating. and she won't cheat on him. period.
to give me her name, or phone, or a picture of her smile, or to meet (even for frikking lunch) - all would be too close to cheating, to letting me out of the box.
she can't let me out of the box because then we become perilously close to "cheating". and she can't do that. because she's not a cheater. never was, never will be. it's not in her to do it. but she can justify me/us because i'm just during the workday. we haven't fucked. we've never met. i don't have personal information about her.
she finally admitted to me (and probably to herself for the first time) that a major reason she stays is because of money. she's not yet 30 yet she has and has accomplished more than 95% of people 50 years old. she has more success, more money, more toys, the house on the water, all of it. she has everything she thought she wanted.
and she can't give it up.
in some ways, i understand.
but my 18 years of additional life experience have taught me one thing: you can't buy happiness. sounds cliche, but very true. because she's so mature beyond her years, i'm a little surprised she hasn't figured this out yet. (i think she has, but just hasn't ?accepted? it.) when you're young(er) and acquiring your "things", each new thing (new house, new boat, new car, new vacation home, new whatever) seems like it'll bring some more happiness, some satisfaction, help fill the emptiness in an empty relationship. (if i don't think about how empty my relationship is, then it won't be that way). when you're older, you come to realize that you've built a beautiful mansion of pretty things, none of which satisfy you, none of which fill the empty spot in your heart and soul, none of which bring you the love and connection that a soulmate brings. the collection of love/companionship substitutes becomes an empty prison. you find yourself surrounded by all these -things-, none of which have any real meaning, no real value. it's the Club Fed of domestic relationships. country club living, all the nice things, but at the end of the day, you're still in prison. a prison built of your own hands, but a prison nonetheless. still locked away.
still alone.
Monday, April 03, 2006
back from vacation and thoroughly...
at about the 11th hour, i decided to go with a friend to the beach for a few days of R & R. i was very uneasy about being away from B for so long. looking back i'm not really sure why - i think i was vaguely scared that she'd not be here when i got back, even though i know she wouldn't just disappear. maybe i was more concerned she'd have time to figure out exactly how to tell me she'd made her choice and here, some lovely parting gifts. silly, perhaps. but realistic or not, a fear is a fear.
so i went.
and much of what's supposed to happen during a vacation did. i slept a lot. drank. ate. did nothing. got away from the office. i could actually feel some of the stress leaving me. i got "unclouded" in a way.
it was good. i should learn to let go, even for a while, of those things that are stressful but that i can't really do anything about -right now-. by the time i got up tuesday, i could feel a difference. my mind was clearing.
which allowed me lots of time to think about, digest, absorb and really consider the meaning and the implications of something that i've been trying to not think about for sometime:
not next week, not next month, not next year. not if i lose weight, or get a better job, or whatever. unless i lose 18 years and can somehow transform myself into -him-, somehow become bf, then this is it. what is, is, and what isn't won't be.
period.
i won't have her.
whatever it is that i have that interests her, it still interests her. just not enough to win her. whatever the spark is that's between us, it's still there. it just won't be given a chance to grow into the flame it could be.
vacation. clearing the head. wonderful.
now i can see that all the energy i put into worrying about an -us-, trying to build an -us-, hoping that she'd want me enough to call me to her, worrying that something would make her change her mind and not meet me, all that energy was misspent. it was, in fact, much ado about nothing, because an -us- was never an option.
so now, with all the smoke of a non-existant future blown away, with the blaze of the new sun in a new day illuminating my life and my future, i can finally look at my life and see all that there is. and as i look around and ahead, i see..... nothing. emptiness.
in this empty desert that is my life, i go, carrying with me the unbearable heaviness of knowing that the vision that i've walked toward for so long, the oasis that i saw and wanted for so long, the beauty of her calling to me - was a mirage. it existed only within my mind.
i know that the possibility still exists. i could still win the lotto, too. in a year, or five, or ten, she could call me and say "i've left him. i'm ready." second choice. first alternate. second string.
my mind has finally caught up to reality. now i just gotta get my heart to fall into line as well.
back from vacation and thoroughly... bummed. empty. hopeless.
so i went.
and much of what's supposed to happen during a vacation did. i slept a lot. drank. ate. did nothing. got away from the office. i could actually feel some of the stress leaving me. i got "unclouded" in a way.
it was good. i should learn to let go, even for a while, of those things that are stressful but that i can't really do anything about -right now-. by the time i got up tuesday, i could feel a difference. my mind was clearing.
which allowed me lots of time to think about, digest, absorb and really consider the meaning and the implications of something that i've been trying to not think about for sometime:
i won't have her in my life. period.
not next week, not next month, not next year. not if i lose weight, or get a better job, or whatever. unless i lose 18 years and can somehow transform myself into -him-, somehow become bf, then this is it. what is, is, and what isn't won't be.
period.
i won't have her.
whatever it is that i have that interests her, it still interests her. just not enough to win her. whatever the spark is that's between us, it's still there. it just won't be given a chance to grow into the flame it could be.
vacation. clearing the head. wonderful.
now i can see that all the energy i put into worrying about an -us-, trying to build an -us-, hoping that she'd want me enough to call me to her, worrying that something would make her change her mind and not meet me, all that energy was misspent. it was, in fact, much ado about nothing, because an -us- was never an option.
so now, with all the smoke of a non-existant future blown away, with the blaze of the new sun in a new day illuminating my life and my future, i can finally look at my life and see all that there is. and as i look around and ahead, i see..... nothing. emptiness.
in this empty desert that is my life, i go, carrying with me the unbearable heaviness of knowing that the vision that i've walked toward for so long, the oasis that i saw and wanted for so long, the beauty of her calling to me - was a mirage. it existed only within my mind.
i know that the possibility still exists. i could still win the lotto, too. in a year, or five, or ten, she could call me and say "i've left him. i'm ready." second choice. first alternate. second string.
my mind has finally caught up to reality. now i just gotta get my heart to fall into line as well.
back from vacation and thoroughly... bummed. empty. hopeless.
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