soon...

finally. it seemed like today would never get here. and now that it's here i worry about her - will she get here?

i know she'll get here, but how? will she be anxious to be back to me? will she be anxious to get into her office, drop everything and call? or will she be anxious to get back to the office and get started on the things she didn't get to on Friday and Monday and get to me in a couple of hours when she takes a break and happens to think about it?

have they fixed it up this weekend?

sometimes i wonder if she even remembers me until she gets back to work. five days and not once did she have 5 mins alone to call for a quick "hi"? in -five- days? (four and a half.. so i'm rounding, tuff.) but i knew she wouldn't. she almost never does on regular weekends and this weekend i was with someone. she hasn't called me on a weekend in quite a while.

quite a while.

and we've been having less and less time during the day too. is this part of a cycle or is she winding us down? is she tired of this? or decided to stay?

i can't do anything about it no matter what it is. i can only enjoy having her in my life, whatever part of her she'll give me, until she takes it away. after that, when that happens, nothing much will matter anyway.

in the meantime, i wait for her. anxious, excited at her return. i want to hear her voice, her laugh, find out how she's been.

just her presence makes me so happy, fills me with.. life. i used to do that for her.

soon she'll be back. not soon enough, but soon.

the pall settles

i've fought it since yesterday, maybe saturday. i've had images, thoughts, visions of her; her life, her party(parties?) all of the moments that make up her day, her weekend, her week, her life.

i wanted to call her alter ego today to see if she was in the office but i didn't. what difference would it make? suppose she too was out of the office. suppose it confirmed for me that she and b were one and the same, then what? it wouldn't make her want me any more (probably less), it wouldn't make her love me any more, it wouldn't make it more likely that she'd let me into her life, wouldn't make it more likely she'd leave bf, wouldn't put a picture on my desk, wouldn't change anything.

i thought about her and identity and coincidence and all that a lot this afternoon. and slowly, through the fog, it came to me. i know why she won't meet me, why she won't open herself up to me, why she's still in a relationship that she doesn't seem to want to be in.

she's married to him.

not figuratively. actually. she once told me that the alterego woman was married. i took it as a fact that didn't fit what i knew, took it as a contributing proof that b and this alter ego were not one and the same.

and like a pall of smoke from a not too distant forest fire will slowly creep in and blot out the sun, so this has come over me. she's married to bf. he's not bf, he's "husband". it explains why she won't this and won't that and more than anything, why she stays.

she's married.

and i'd expect no less from her. she'll stay with it until there's no alternative. she's not a quitter, even if quitting is what she thinks would be best for her.

which means: i'm alone. and she's alone. there is -no- B in my future. no B, no chance of B.

she's loyal, even if she's not happy.

and she'll stay. no matter what.

so she'll live out her days unhappy. as will i. unhappy and alone.

making do with someone else.

fuck.

who wants that?

not me.

she's married.

fuck.

funny. i thought the dog parable was so insightful, so intuitive, so.. meaninful. it's not. it's just more crap from a lonely mans mind. a man wishing he could have a woman that he can't have. a woman that he thinks wants him too.

but she's married. she has a husband.

she sure doesn't need me.

it's almost over

Its almost over. Just one more day and she'll be back in my world. I keep hearing her words: "even though we're not right in front of each other it doesn't mean we're not there with each other".

I wonder if she means that? Does she hold me with her even when we're apart? Even when we're apart for so long? Or do I (we?) fade from her thoughts when she leaves the office for the day or weekend?

I've spent time away this weekend. It was fun, no doubt. But even so, B was never far from my thoughts. She never is.

And today she's home with -him- and together they're dealing with the dogs' health issues. Here's where I start to feel bad.

I know what it's like to have a sick pet. They're friend, companion, part of the family and having to deal with their illness is stressful. And when I think about her dealing with it the next thing that comes to mind is that -he'll- be there for her, he'll be there to comfort her and hold her. And that will bring them closer as they go through this chapter of their life together.

and no matter how much i may feel that the parable of the dog might apply to her life (or maybe no matter how much i -wish- it was a mirror of her life), it's just wishful thinking on my part.

and again i'm brought back to the cold reality that she doesn't want me to know her, who she is, doesn't really want me a part of her real world, her real life, doesn't want to be lovers enough to make it so, doesn't want me to even see her smile... and that what is today is likely to be what there is, period.

a lifetime without her.

lonely days

i miss you b.

she's out of the office today for meetings and out again monday for personal reasons.

i miss not having her to talk to. i'm -okay- (right now anyway.. come sunday and especially monday it might be a very different proposition), but it's lonely without her in my day. even if only to chat with for a few minutes, and an occasional IM.

i admit to being a little peeved that she didn't think she could find a few minutes to call today. it makes me feel like it's not important to her. yes, she'll be with a business partner, but .. so? and she won't even make the effort to call over the weekend because I'll be visiting someone out of town. and monday she won't try because she'll be with bf most of the day.

fuck.

the thought occurred to me to check to see if the other person (that i think she is) is in the office today. but truthfully, i don't care. what would it gain me? i don't care. if she wanted me to know she would tell me. and she doesn't want me to know. she still wants to be hidden from me. protected from me, from any chance of me intruding on her life. it makes me very sad to think that, but it's the truth. and me knowing everything about her wouldn't make her seeing me any more likely. so i have to take what she's given me, know that there'll probably never be any more than that, and live with it. i still can't reconcile her loving and wanting me with her needing (STILL needing) to hide from me, but again, it doesn't really matter if i can reconcile it or not. it's what she wants.

I still wish she'd want me to have a picture though. -something- of her.

g-d, it's gonna be a long time till tuesday. such a very long time.

i miss you b. hurry back.

weekend? more like a leave of absence

she's out of the office all day tomorrow. then another (fucking!!) weekend. and she's out of the office on monday too.

almost five days.

i was doing well. even up till mid day today. and as her departure today gets inexorably closer, i feel it.

it's not panic (though it sometimes feels like that). it's not fear (although i still fear she may resolve her relationship issues with him and never really come back). it's not anger (i know she has a life beyond -me-.. and truthfully, i'm the least real part of her life).

it's jealousy (that he gets her, this weekend and everyday, every morning, every night). it's loneliness (i have so much love to give her but she won't be with me). it's despair (that this weekend is just a sample of the thousands of days to come in my life that will be spent without her). it's sadness (for myself, that she doesn't feel for me, doesn't love me like i love her, doesn't want to be with me like i want to be with her, doesn't feel the need to be with me like i feel the need to be with her). it's regret (that having found -her-, fate has conspired to keep us apart by giving her one she loves instead).

i know i'll live through these next five days. just like i'll live, somehow, through the rest of my life spent without her by my side.

so unfair.

so long i've waited for her, waited to find her. wasn't even sure what i was looking for until i found her.

i can reach out my hand but can't quite touch her. my heart calls to her but isn't loud enough to be heard. i wave to her frantically but i can't get her attention.

strength. strength is what's needed now. i have to be here for her during this time and the months to come. later, when she's happy again, when she's found herself again, then i'll grieve for my loss.

how can i complain about -anything-???

this seems to be the week for eye opening reflection.

the insights into our relationship (and me) from talking to B earlier this week.

and now thinking about her and her dog - i'm seeing so much. when you only look at your life in a mirror, all you see is yourself, and you miss all the rest of the world. you especially miss the people that make your world worth living in. like her.

how can g-d, fate, the universe, whatever you want to call it, put this too on her, now?

i've been wallowing in self-pity, living in "woe-is-me-coz-she-won't-have-me" land. truth of the matter is, i have nothing really to complain about. i don't have a wife or a family or a home - but that's all of my own doing. i don't have the love i want, the lover i want, B, but i never had a claim to her anyway. i have no real troubles in my life. i work, i go home. i make enough money to pay my obligations and still live comfortably enough. there are almost no demands on my time other than work. i pretty much do what i want when i want, with little consideration for how it affects others, because almost nothing i do really does affect others. if i were to die or disappear, there would be barely a ripple in the daily lives of very few people.

and she is shouldering so much right now. all the stress that i've put on her, pressure to be with me and everything related to that. her unhappiness in her relationship with bf, with her home life. uncertainty about what she should do about me, him, her life. crap at work with partners that contribute only a fraction of the energy and devotion and work to the business that she does. and now this - her dog.

fuck. i wish i could take some of the load off of her. she won't come to me, but i can be here for her anyway.

too many times during conversations and other troubled periods of our time together, i've slapped her in the face by saying or doing things so completely self-centered, so completely 'all about me'. not this time.

what she needs from me now is what i should have been to her all along - a friend. i need to pull back my heart from trying to attract her as a lover and just be here as her friend. forego my own needs and wants (for once!!) and be here as a source of comfort and strength for her and let her take from me whatever she wants or needs or will have.

she deserves no less.

so although she won't take me for her lover or partner, she does love me and she trusts me and she'll have me as her friend. and for once, perhaps i can give her what she wants, what she needs, what she deserves.

because she is my friend. because i want to ease her pain. because i love her.

the life of a dog - a mirror of life?...a parable

two become a couple. to celebrate their new life together, they acquire a puppy. the dog grows strong, healthy. it is a fun and vibrant life.

but inside this life something is wrong. a cancer grows. unseen at first. undetected. yet still it grows. there are small signs; a bump, a nodule, a growth. they have a "feeling", hard to discern, that something is amiss. unable to give its own words, the dog feels the growths, but has no words. the couple notices symptoms, pains, discomforts but, confident all is well, is unable or unwilling to accept the possibility that something is not right.

there are episodes where the pains are treated, the discomforts examined, poked, prodded, the symptoms eased for a while with treatment. superficial, topical treatment - new toys, new activities, changes in routine. for a while the pain subsides yet the cancer continues to grow.

finally the symptoms become unmistakeably obvious. unable to ignore the odd pains and lumps and bumps anymore, serious diagnosis is sought. the patient is ill, seriously, fatally ill. for the time being there is still life, love, vivaciousness. but the diagnosis and the ultimate outcome remain the same. those who loved this life, who were part of it, will mourn its passing. death and dying are never happy events, although it can be almost welcomed, if it brings a respite from pain to those involved. the survivors will move on, forever changed, forever touched by this life that was once shared and is now gone.

a death is not something to welcome, although it can bring a release, a relief, almost permission to move on. the death of anything alive and vibrant is a sad thing, whether a child, a parent, a lover, a pet .... or a relationship.

those outside the immediate will offer their condolences, shake their heads in sadness. there will be words of solace offered, perhaps even recriminations and blame. but there is no blame, no fault, no negligence. all things that grow, even those that for a time flourish, die. some before their apparent time. sometimes there are deep unknown differences which, ultimately, are not conducive to long life.

as the end nears and the poison spreads and the quality of life continues to erode, what do you do? do you hang on tightly, preserving this life, unwilling to admit its passing, doing anything, at any cost, to allow it to continue, perhaps to ease your own suffering, perhaps even at the cost of continued pain for the waning life? or do you hold it tenderly, thank it for the years of joy and pleasure, and kiss it as you end the suffering, allowing it to pass with dignity?

:-( fuck fuck fuck

fuck.

be strong. for her. for me. for us.

on top of all the turmoil in "us" lately, her dog is ill. she's a lot more upset than she lets on. and she's closing down, turning inward. i offer all that i can offer (not much, i know) but whatever consolation or understanding or support i can give her is here for her.

she won't take it. she's closing off, shutting down.

maybe she'll get comfort from bf, since they'll be handling this together. he better fucking be there for her and understand what she's feeling and going through, and give her the support and comfort she needs and will be looking for, because she won't tell him how she's feeling and how much she's hurting. he better fucking pick up on it, damn him.

he better fucking be there for her.

a slight glitch

okay.. there's a slight glitch.. she's got a mtg that'll run probably another two hours.

but she called to tell me, so that ?helped? (and otherwise i'd'a had problems probably, coz she just wouldn't have called or been available till then...

but even just the two minute conversation we had - it ?helped? maybe revitalized me? strengthened me?

i can do this.

funny - this morning after we talked, i felt like the me from two years ago, from our early days.

i liked it.

hurry back to me B... i'm waiting for ya..

it's fine

so far so good.

we had a nice (great!) talk this morning. i still feel it, her.

i feel almost ?jubilant?exhalted?.. certainly "content" (even though i'll never be truly content without having her)...

but i'm .. fine.. feel good. she sounded good too, which makes me very happy. very happy.

can't wait to talk to her again...

she's got a way about her

(apologies to Billy Joel...)

but she does. we had quite a talk last night. not our first deep one and certainly not our last. everytime we have a talk like this one, where we talk about us as individuals and us as -us- and all that goes with that, she confirms for me all that i think about her - that she is deep and complicated, sensitive and principled, self-aware and compassionate.

i don't 'get' human behavior - mine or others. most of the time it's a mystery to me why people do the things they do, even why -i- do the things i do. all my life i've been a pretty closed off guy, which i suppose is fairly typical. but no so with her; in fact, increasingly -less- closed off as time has gone by. to the point where she almost always knows what's at the heart of me, either because she can sense it or because i display it to her. i've known that my feelings and emotions were much more visible to her than to anyone else. i knew it and accepted it as a good thing (after all, isn't that what women always want? to be able to know a mans' feelings?). it even felt good to be so emotionally open and available to her.

she was able to explain to me how that affects her. i thought she'd ?appreciate? my openness and that it would be an enhancement to our relationship. in fact, she's not always positively affected by -so much- emotional openness. it sounds ?worse? than it really is and she did a much better job of explaining it to me. whatever, i now have a better understanding of how -my- behavior affects -hers-, and it's not the way i'd assumed it to be. i don't take this as a negative, not at all. i'm kind of ?relieved? because at least i understand our dynamics a little better. and because it's been ?draining? at times to always have my emotions be right -there- on the surface, not only for her to see but for me to always have -there-.

it's so difficult to explain in words, so easy to -feel- and -understand-.

the only thing that i disliked about our talk was that i didn't want to talk about me. i wanted to get her talking about herself and her life and her feelings. i want to have and understand more of her because obviously i'm not doing a good job of being there for her now. i've both pushed her inward with my own behaviors and not been there to support her and keep her from withdrawing while dealing with her own issues that she's been dealing with. i've been so focused on how the things that have been happening in our lives affect -me- that i haven't been very supportive of her.

so where i wanted to talk to her, get her to talk and feel comfortable and open up, we wind up with her talking about me. it was a good and necessary talk (probably overdue) but still did nothing to alleviate any of the stress on her. although i'm sure if i ?lighten up? it'll lessen her burdens too.

so this morning i wait for her to come in, to contact me. and while i've missed her all night, as i always do, i'm feeling good. i'm anxious (in a good way) and expectant of hearing from her. actually, i can't wait - because she is such a bright spot in my life. i want her close, want her to kiss me on the cheek and say hi and give me her bright smile and chat for a minute before we dive into our day. and i'm looking forward to, while we're apart again, holding her presence close to me and knowing that she's there and drawing happiness from just having her in my life.

she is so rare and special. i love her.

unsure. waiting.

we talked but i can't tell anything.

it's so strange that i'm so.. dread and anticipatory when waiting for her, but when she starts talking to me i get so lifted up. so happy to hear her and have her attention. for a while i rise above all my hurt and loss and self-doubts and am able to enjoy having her.

then she goes away for hours. and i have to wait for her again. she doesn't even want to IM. won't answer emails. or IMs. probably doesn't listen to voicemails. probably doesn't remember that she has snail mail to pick up.

have i become such a small part of her that she doesn't want any of me around except when she's directly giving me her attention?

now what do i do?

i can't do last night to myself everytime she hurts me. the physical abuse will, eventually, kill me, if the emotional pain doesn't get me there first.

and i don't even know if she really hurt me. maybe she really did want to run early. or maybe she and he had a very special Halloween party to go to. and maybe she is having weekly wednesday get togethers. i have no proof. she won't tell me. i'll never see the pics. i have no reason, really, to suspect that anything is other than as she says it is. it's just that the whole "wanna run early" thing doesn't sound like her. and the way she couldn't wait to be gone. away from me.

so either i'm making things out to be more than they are or she's having a lot more fun than she's willing to tell me.

there's nothing i wouldn't do for her. nothing.

she "does it" for me. fulfills me. she's the who and the how and the what and the one that i want.

but i have a feeling that i don't "do it" for her anymore.

and it's probably all my fault.

my undoing is all of my own doing.

all togethter now!

heard a great song i havent heard in a while tonight while riding -Designated drinker by allan jackson.

tonight, I'm the designated drinker
I just lost the one that wrapped me around her finger
I need to get to where I can't think of her
So tonight, I'm the designated drinker

and the last verse:
We need to get to where we can't think of her
So tonight we're the designated drinkers
(thank g-d for google)

worst part is she thinks she's just a friend to me, that all these aother sex parteners she thinks i have have pushed her out of top position. why doesnt she see that the only reason there even is any others is because she wont see me??? she has no idea what she really mean to me which really surprise's me cuz i thought id always made it plain and clear how importnat she is to me so why would she ever think that shes less important to me. idon't understand that at all. ive' always tried to make sure she knows how if felt. always. and if she saw me nowshed be disgusted that im drinking to try to ease my pain. shes so sttrong that way. but im not. i love her and i want her. it kills me that she dosnt want me the same why not?????where did i lose her where did she lose that interest in me that lust tht wanting that attraction that we've shared for so all these months?????? did i change into something/one she didnt want anymore or mabye she thought i didnt want her anymore (nOthing could be so farther from the truth) after all we;'ve shared and learned and discovered about each other how can she jsut go back to not wanting? whats changed why did she stop wanting me and decide to go back?.



but i beleive in my heart that this is true and real and meant to be its to strong to be just my imaignnation. if it is than im just the biggest fucking fool ever but if its not then why why why? how can she hold out and why whta does she gain by waiting? but for me even if not for her i know that thisis the one; no other has ever been like thisand never will be. so i wait.and wait. and wait until she eiter decides to see me or tells me to fuck off i love him and ill never ever leave him.

why cant she se e how much i love her????does it realy not matter to her atall? fuck i dont understand they always told us that true love always wins out but what???not in this case?? or is it only truelove for me?/

that would be the saddest thinga nd also make me out to be the biggest foool ever.

im not sure i could take learnign that.

i have.. nothing... to say

nothing.

she couldn't talk, so i waited. then, she could.

five minutes and then "i have to go".

she wanted to get home to run before it got dark and all the people got on the streets.

but you like to run at night. and you said you get almost no trick-or-treaters, so how many people could there be on the streets?

i fear those weren't her real reasons. i wonder ... is it another party?

i can't catch my breath, can't stop the pictures from coming, can't get the pain out of my chest.

and all day i thought things were going pretty well, on average. now i'm... lost. dead. empty.

no, not empty, because there's no end to the pain inside.

what do i do? i waited all day, wanting our time to talk. and she ran away.

not walked. ran. bolted.

fuck i did it again

fuck!!!!

what is fucking wrong with me?

i was very non-?clingy?.. very much avoided trying to pull her toward me... so instead, i pushed her away in a different way...

i asked how things were at home. "fine". and after saying that was good, "yup". "yup" tends to be her answer when she means "you don't really care" or "don't wanna talk about it" or "end of subject".

i know she's suspicious that i only want to know because i want to know "where she is" in relation to her and i. and yes, that's a part of it.. but only a part.. i really do want to know how things are. if they're better, it means she'll be less stressed, feel better, hopefully be happier. if they're better, i need to hear that - it'll help me know she's doing better there and which way she's ?heading?...

but geezus, when she says "yup"... especially after she's told me in the past that she doesn't really want to talk about home/relat w/bf... i feel like i'm just being blown off...

i felt optimistic and strong - i knew i'd be able to avoid pulling at her... then i get into this... fuck.. but it's natural to ask about her weekend.. we've been apart for almost 3 days... i want to know what she did, what fun she had, where they went.. all of it. is she telling me that i don't get to know about her life? is she shutting me out of that part of her?

only a few more steps ... then i'll be at the top... the top of the tall, spiral slide... step on, then slide... down, down, down. spiraling faster. ever down.

it'd be so easy to just let the forces behind me push me over that last step and send me on my way. and she'll see it as just another show of weakness from me. another fucked up by Me monday.

maybe not this time. i gotta try to hold out, be strong, be stronger. for her. for me. for this relationship.

be strong, self.

she's worth it.

monday... again

Last night she was with me as i was trying to go to sleep. i listened to my voice mail just so i could hear her voice. i thought about friday, about her party experience (10/14/05... a date i'll never forget. ever.), about all the things we've talked about recently, about what this morning would be like, about how much i long to hear her again.

she was with me when i woke too. that date. how much i want to do that for and with her. how it hurts a part of me so much and how it excites another part of me and how glad i am for her that she did it. and i try not to think of how many times they may have done it since.

but more than that, it was simply...her.

i'm determined to make this monday different than they've been. i need her back, want her back, want her to run to me, but that's not how she comes back. i always want that confirmation that she's still with me, that this is still important to her, hell, that she's even coming back. how do i know that she and bf didn't spend the weekend talking intensely, working everything out, coming to a meeting of the minds and that she now knows that that's where she belongs? every monday it's what i fear - that he's won her back over the weekend and that i've lost her for good.

but she's told me many times that she is coming back, that she won't ever just disappear. i know that's not the same as saying she won't decide to stay for good or that she's ready to see me (because obviously she's not or i'd have been there this weekend!). so i know she'll talk to me again this monday. and that's what i wait for.

well, that and to hear her tell me she loves me and wants to be with me. but that's a different fantasy.

now for the first hard part - getting through the next two to four hours until she calls. and then the rest of the day trying to read her, to figure out how her life was this weekend, what happened, what changed. where she's at.

and still i can't wait till she's back...

a date

well, hopefully we'll have a date in a little while.

I asked her yesterday if she'd like a date today. it's something we say/do to kind of 'put aside' some time for us to really be together. sometimes we just talk. sometimes we have sex. sometimes we're just together.

we've been right on the verge of very sexual for over a week. yesterday i asked her to do some things as kind of a preparation for our date today... to wear a skirt, and to bring two things to the office that have some very sexual significance to us.

she did wear a skirt today. that pleased me a lot. she's had a hard time doing what i've asked before, but she did it. she also wore tights today. that excites me a lot - i like that look.. a lot. my thoughts yesterday were that i was going to have her take off her panties early in the day, to kind of build anticipation in her all day. i know it'd excite her to take them off and be in the office all day with no panties, knowing we were going to fuck later. and to feel her bare pussy on her skirt and her chair as she moved around. this morning, i was excited that i'd get her to take off her tights.

not today. something, probably in her relationship, soured her mood and appetite for sexuality today. i so much wanted to talk to her sexy.. to hear her, to have her. instead, i need to avoid all of that, because it'll really hit her the wrong way. instead, we'll spend the time talking and just being close, hopefully.

because another FUCKING weekend is here already. another two and a half days without her.

FUCK.

i hate weekends.

i hate leaving her on fridays. i want to hold on to her as long as possible.

before she goes home to him.

him.

i hate him.

fuck.

maybe not

okay. i lied, i guess.

only 15 minutes late, and i feel it creeping up on me.

panic. concern.

where is she?

my chest is tight. my heart is racing.

where is she?

strength.. even serenity?

we feel strong again. i wasn't sure yesterday for a while. she got really stressed and instead of turning to me like she always has in the past, she turned away. it really threw me at first, because, for whatever reason, i seem to have a knack for soothing her. but instead she withdrew. this caused me concern (which in itself i see as an ?improvement? because previously i would have been panicked - so perhaps a sign that i am finally accepting the strength of our relationship?).

it's hard to put my finger on it, but things she's said to me this last week or two have really helped me to understand that what we have is not as tenuous as i thought. i know i don't have to fear that she'll just disappear. it doesn't mean i still don't sometimes, but i think i can see and accept it as simply a fear, an insecurity. i know it doesn't mean i'll never lose her, but she won't just disappear from my life.

it's so odd that i feel more ?commitment? from her than i have in a long time, perhaps ever, and yet still know that it's still possible we may never meet. i don't quite understand how she can be okay with that and still feel close to me like i believe she does. i believe, i have to believe (in order to stay sane) that we will meet, will become lovers, possibly more.

i try not to think about the state of her relationship with bf because, frankly, it upsets me so much. i never know for sure what's happening at home. she doesn't tell me much because when it's going well she doesn't want me to hurt and when it's not she doesn't want me to hope. i'm not sure but i think it's worsening. that's probably too strong a conclusion to draw from the tiny things she's said, but that's what i think. obviously i could be wrong, because they've also been doing more things together, even exploring new avenues. but that could be part of a pattern that i think some couples go through when things are nearing the end - forcing new things, struggling to hold onto normalcy, ignoring the worsening of the relationship all around them - kinda like the band playing on the deck of the Titanic. it hurts me because i don't want her to suffer the pain of a long relationship breaking up, yet i don't want her to stay in a relationship that doesn't give her what she wants and that frankly i don't believe she wants to be in anymore.

i can't let myself think about that part of her life too long because, frankly, it causes me so much distress. i want her in my life so much, i want her to be happy, i want her out of that relationship if that's what she wants, i feel so guilty for wanting that relationship to end because i know it'll cause her pain. she's my friend, above all - how can i want her relationship to end? but i look at what we have now, having never even met, and what we could have - how can i not want her for myself?

sigh. enough of that.

i feel her with me, feel her close. i think my comfort in knowing she holds me in her heart even when we're apart is growing, allowing me to expand my world a little. i'm growing interested in doing things again. two old hobbies are starting to engage me again. i'm not obsessed with finding sex as much (although i still think about -her- a thousand times a day). until B will start seeing me, i'd still like to find a fuck buddy....but i'm not focusing on it. and in the meantime, i have other things i -want- to do. it's a good feeling actually. not to say there's anything i'd rather do than to start commuting to see her every weekend, because g-d would i. but until she'll see me, and as long as i feel her touching me, i think i'll be okay.

i think.

i try to imagine how much my mindset would change for the better if she'd open up to me. i've tried to explain to her what it would mean to me to have her smiling at me at my desk, my home, to have her picture with me all the time. but her fears (of me??) still overpower her. it would remove so much ?tension? from her to not have to constantly be on the alert to make sure she doesn't give anything away to me, to not have to so carefully watch her words. she'd be able to let me in to her work day and let me do things for her that she can't let me do know. i don't understand why she doesn't feel that our relationship can handle (is worthy of?) that level of trust. i wonder how much easier it would be for her to hold me in her heart if she knew that i protect her privacy, if she were secure every day knowing that even though i know who she is and where she works and lives, that i would -never- jeopardize that part of her life. i never thought of it before, but how much more close would she be if she knew, felt, believed that she could truly trust me? that need to be secret will continue to sit between us, keeping her from pulling me close. that makes me sad because there's nothing i can do to change that. nothing.

until she decides she can trust me, if she ever does, what we have is still amazing. we ended yesterday before we could get to some intimate talk that we'd been building up to. i was frustrated that she had to go (why the fuck does he seem to show up at her office so often??) yet i was... okay. she kept me warm all night with her thoughts. and now i eagerly await her return.

and i'm warm with her, with the knowledge of -her-. and i'm smiling at the thought of her.