Friday. Weekend. and now...

Friday was a great day for us. I feel like we're in such a ... ?strong? place now. we've worked through the painful things. and though they'll continue to be present, i feel like we've looked at them, talked about them, dealt with them enough that we can manage them.

this relationship we have is unique. and difficult. the nature of our separation, the reasons we're not together now impose unique difficulties on us and these unique circumstances are what provide the breeding ground for the events that bring about the painful feelings. while our lives are still held apart, there's going to be things that she wants and does in her life, and things that i want and do in my life, things that we would both rather be doing with each other, that are going to be painful for us to accept. but we will.

i'm not sure what the future will bring. obviously i hope her future and mine become one.

========

I'm not sure she'll be in today, because of her weather. if not, i hope she knows my thoughts are with her.

it just feels hopeless. there's no future for me, other than an empty one, with out her.

why can't i have her?

i can't do this.

i'm not strong enough.

how am i supposed to just live without her?

it's the same cycle all the time... i try to be strong. think about what i can do to live a good life, how to keep occupied, what i want to do with my life, where i want to go.

all roads lead to B.

i know what i want to do with my life. i want to spend it with her, making her happy. doing whatever i can do to bring her pleasure and happiness and help her enjoy life. i just want to see her smile and laugh, see her eyes sparkle and light up with enjoyment, hear her laughter.

we would do things together, find pleasures together. and i would reap my own measure of fun from all we do. but my real reward would be to bring pleasure and happiness to her. my reward would be to see her enjoy life. (yes, i know she can enjoy life without me, and she will... but i want to see her enjoy it -with- me).

it sounds like i want to be a non-participant in life, but that's not true. i want to seek out new things and find interesting, exciting things to do. but i do it because i want her to enjoy. i want to bring joy to her. in a way, i've lived my life. and i could live more. but i've found the woman i want to love, the woman i do love. i want to give my life to her, devote myself to loving her like she's never been loved before, like she's never even dreamed she could be loved.

but that options' not open to me.

so what do i do with a life that i only want to give to her but she doesn't want?

i have a gift for her - my life, my love. it's only for her. she won't accept it. doesn't want it. it's special made for her - it won't fit anyone else. i can't return it. can't remake it.

i don't want it. but i'm stuck with this incomplete thing. it's a piece of a life, a piece of a person. incomplete. custom made for a particular person. but she doesn't need it. she has a life. and there's already someone filling the place where this partial life would go. and it suits her well enough that she doesn't want or need a change.

so like any custom item, it'll sit on the sale table. people will come along and try it to see if it fits. but it won't. some more, some less, but none ever like the one it's made for. and ultimately this life and this heart and this man will wind up dusty and discarded. left behind. forgotten.

useless.

inconsequential.

this sounds so "woe is me" but it's not. it's just sad, incredibly, infinitely sad that one heart could find it's perfect match, the perfect match, only to be not enough.

conflicting emotions

conflicts. so many conflicting thoughts and emotions.

I want to be strong, both for her and for me. I try. Sometimes I succeed. But when i need her i need her. and when i'm insecure about who and what i am to her, i'm anything but strong.

I want to lead my life like she wants me to and like i know i should. To have and pursue my own interests, to keep her as an important part of my life yet not "be waiting" on her, to know that she has her own life and may never let me be a part of that. I try, but ... I -want- her so much. i want her to be the central person in my life. my partner. my lover.

She wants me close. But not too close. sometimes i feel like she's got both hands on my chest, one pulling me and the other holding me away. She wants me to have her, wants to give herself to me completely, but can't stop hiding from me.

I've been drinking again. not a lot, but often enough. i know i shouldn't. but it dulls the senses enough that either i can forget the life i don't have or at least not dwell on it so much. it also fuzzes the images of things i can't get out of my head.

i think i want to stop seeing the couple i've been seeing. it's fun, it's exciting, it's sex. but i know it hurts her, tremendously, to think of me with them. but she'd tell me not to stop. and i want sex. but i want sex with her. i want all the sex we've ever talked about - but with her. there's sort of a vague connection in my head between my seeing them and her expanding her sexual activities, but i don't think it's a real correlation - that is, i don't think my activities directly drive hers.

i want her to have all the sex that she's always wanted and starting to find. i suspect she's having much more sex with bf than she lets on, believe they've been to the swing club more than she's told me. i want her to have all that - the swing club, other couples, gangbangs, women, bondage.. all that she wants i want her to have. even though it kills me to think about her doing it with him and with him with others, instead of with me and -us- with others. her decision to not have me shouldn't keep her from having everything else she wants.

i'm giving up my quest for sex, for now at least. i have to get past this pain i'm causing her and myself. i've started on a couple of hobby things that should keep me very occupied for some time to come. between hobbies and drinking i can probably fill most of my empty life. i'll probably try to find a part time or seasonal job too.

i beat off this morning. i woke about 4 and within seconds my thoughts were on her and her adventure last week. the "me" side of me was in pain, almost gasping at the images of her in my mind. but the "friend" side of me was happy for her, excited at the sights that i could imagine. i want that for her, always promised that if we were together i'd arrange it for her, many times, frankly -I- want to see her in that situation as much as she does. it excites me, excites her. i grew hard, more and more excited, and came thinking of her as my partner in that situation. after that glow faded, i lay there stricken, unable to sleep, picturing her with bf in that same situation. how do i encourage her to continue exploring without killing myself?

when relating the experience to me she said something about it not being as fulfilling as she'd hoped, because the motivation for it came from a hurtful place, a desire for revenge on me for my actions. when she said 'not as fulfilling' it struck a chord with me because i'd been doing some thinking about my previous encounter, the one that hurt her so. while the sex was new and exciting and fun, afterwards... it was different. "empty" comes to mind. there was no ?afterglow?. it was like i'd picture i'd feel after leaving a hooker (never been to one, so i can only guess) - finish, zip up, leave. no connection. no warmth. empty. that really surprised me because all the things that B and i have talked about doing with other people always left me with warm feelings, feelings of connection and comfort and warmth. and then i realized why - because it wasn't just sex with unknown, faceless others. it was B and I having sex together... it just so happens that others were with us. so they'd disappear from the encounter, leaving B and I together. and that was where the warmth and connection and feelings came from. from her and i being together and doing something that we wanted to do together.

which leaves me in the position of, as her friend, having to encourage her to repeat her experience, but this time from a place of excitement and good feelings. and to get her to do more and more of the things she wants to do and experience - rough sex, swinging, gangs, all of it. i need to be okay with it, for her sake, so that i can encourage her to explore and experience and most of all, to enjoy. and eventually i hope that i can be okay with it too.

i think i need to put sex out of my life for awhile. it's a strange juxtaposition - she's just coming out of a sexless period and stretching her wings getting ready to really branch out and explore and enjoy. and while i did that for a bit, i think i need to withdraw for awhile. figure out who i am and what i want, what kind of live i am to have. part of that is going to be to figure out how i am going to live a life without the chance of her as my lover and partner.

i've always been the romantic (even though secretly for a long time)... but i never, ever pictured being so in love with someone. never pictured wanting someone so much. never imagined that true love might not find a way to be together.

coming to terms

long night. i'm coming to terms with it, but it's still not easy.

80% of me is okay with it. she's an adult, she's sexual, she knows what she wants, she's in a relationship where he's okay with it too and will help her get what she wants. i'm mostly okay with the physical aspects, the actuality of it happening, with her initiating and getting what she wanted. i'm still surprised and (selfishly) ?saddened? that he's okay with helping her get these experiences. i didn't think he would be. guess i've underestimated him and their relationship again.

i think i'm okay with talking about it. i want to talk about it with her, want her to tell me all about it, although i don't think she will. i want to know the details and the larger picture. how she felt, how he reacted, how it got arranged, her feelings about asking for it, her anticipation leading up to it, her feelings during and after, did she get the aftercare she needed. i want to talk to her, want her to share all of it with me. i'm excited for her, glad she got to experience something i know she wanted. i think i could even do the pictures, if she'd share them. the images swirl in my head and i can't get rid of them. but those are almost as self inflicted punishment. no matter, she doesn't want me to have any pics of her, period.

it's the other 20% that i'm struggling with. the personal side of it as it relates to her and i. the feeling that this was ours and that i didn't get to experience her first time with her. that we didn't get to do it together. i have no right to feel this because i've certainly usurped things that were ours. and yet i know that the "me" aspect of this will lessen and i'll truly come to ?appreciate? what the experience is and was (and what future repeats will be) for her. just as with the strip club and the swing club and the car, this too will become something that i know of in her sexual past and it'll be an experience that shows a side of her that i enjoy and encourage and appreciate. just as i wanted (and still want) to know all the details of what happened at the clubs and during the car experience, so i want to know all the details of this. i want to know her feelings and pleasures and experiences, want to hear her enjoyment, share in her sexuality and her discoveries.

all of it brings her closer to me, at least from my perspective. it makes her ?more valuable? to me, deepens my feelings for her. makes me want her even more.

don't know

i'm numb. speechles. excited. hurt. aroused. proud (of her). ashamed (of myself). confused. alone.

yesterday when we tlked she said something to me that i knew, immediately, was truthful and warm and honest and sincere, it had no trace of forcedness or fakeenss or "airkiss on the cheek" insincerity to it. after our very emotinal conversation yesterday she told me she loved me. that moved me. the sincerity of it, the simple truth of her statement touched me.

today i learned again (because i must have forgotten the feelings from the previous times) what it's like to be on th receiving end ofcertain kinds of news. she told me things today that literally left me speechless. we'd been talking, kind of building up to something and she had to take another phone call. during the ten or so minutes i was waiting, i slowly worked up to the realizatin of where the pieces were leading. i couldn't breathe.

she told me she'd done something, something pretty bold, something that i think we'd previously considered "ours". she did it with bf. and even as the red hot poker pushed through my heart, i knew i had no right ot be hurt or offendded or betrayed. for not only did she not make any committment to me, but i'd certanly betrayed her enough times.

the specifics don't matter, so suffice ti to say it's something we've talked about many, many times. i felt a thousand emotions running through me at the same time. i was hurt, numb, angry, excited, proud of her, ashamed that my adctions had pushed to do this, happy for her, aroused, confused, betrayed, in awe, curious, angered, furious, belittled and on an on. every possible conflicting emotion rolling through me resting in my heart for a minute then moving on, replacing pain with pleasure, excitement with regret, happiness with hurt.

and she has pictures. but she won't show them to me. is it because the motivation for the event was a hateful one, a hurtful one? i'm sure that's a part of it. but she doesn't want me to have pictures of her.

the hurt that i feel at her actions doesn't arouse feelings of blame or betrayal really. they serve to highlight for me what she must feel when she learns of my betrayal actions, when i lie to her.

what i feel for her is still arousal, excitement, lust, awe, pride, curiousity. love. always love. while i'm hurt, this really only seems to heighten what i feel for her. i'll admit that i'm struggling with it, with the mixed feelings i have. my love for her always rises to the top but i'm still having to sort though all the other feelings as well.it sort of really highlights for me the depth and intensity of my feelings for her. and what i hope she feels for me.

and i'm a litle more hopeless. bf is apparently okay with what she wanted. he orchestrated it and arranged it, participated in it, took pictures. so wehre i guess i had some hope that he wouldn't be able to handle her desires, if she should start asking for and getting them, i guess he will be able to after all. so she can seek what she wants and it doesn't require me. good for her life,, bad for my hopes of the future.

ultimatelyl, though, what matters is her happiness. she needs to find her pleasures. live her life. be who she is and wants to be. and my feelings and needs and wants an desires shouldn't factor into that except in wahtever ways i can add to her life not detract from it.

and the sun rises ...

we talked.

she called mid morning yesterday and we talked. it was a very ?emotional? talk, at least for me. perhaps even cathartic. i told her of my weekend thoughts, my mini-revelations, told her of the realizations i'd had about how i've been living (well, going through) my life.

in the jewish religion, the most holy day is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Before Yom Kippur, you're supposed to ask people that you've wronged for their forgiveness. To ask for forgiveness from someone you've wronged is a very ?humbling? experience. To give that forgiveness, to rise above the hurt and indignation and whatever other feelings may have come from someones' trespasses against you is difficult and takes immense ?character? and forgiveness and even love.

Explaining to B what I'd realized about my life and myself over the weekend, and talking to her about how i'd been ?obsessing? about sex and admitting to both myself and her that i'd lost sight of how my actions affected her.. all of that was very... humbling. yet at the same time, cleansing somehow. cathartic. i felt as though i was standing in front of her, baring my soul, hiding nothing, giving her my truest, most intimate thoughts, my clearest understanding of my behaviours, laying myself out in front of her.

and she opened her arms to me, held me to her breast, gave me her love and understanding.

and i feel we are somehow changed; the same, somehow better, but changed nonetheless.

i want to think about our relationship, talk about it, clarify it. i need to know where she is in her relationship with bf. i need to know where she is as regards a relationship with me. i know she's settled in some with him, that she's lessened her grip on me (or maybe more accurately lessened my grip on her). i want to think about it and talk about it to clarify in my head and heart where we are and what the chances of an "us" are and whether she still wants me physically and sexually and emotionally.

and yet, the feeling i got from her yesterday during our talk was so..... filled with love and genuine like and affection, and concern and caring, that i try to pull myself away from thinking about those things, for now at least. i want her, more than ever. and more than ever now losing the chance of a life with her, the prospect of never having her next to me, that loss is as overwhelming as ever. but for now, i just want to -be- with her. talk to her. connect. listen. open up to her and feel her accept me and hear me. be there for her and with her. be there if she chooses to open up to me and let me close. i want to be here with my arms open and if she wants to come to me for a hug and a feeling of comfort, she can wrap her arms around me and rest her head on my chest and i will wrap my arms around her and keep her safe and warm and give her a place to hide from everything.

i know i'll have to work hard to keep my feelings for her in check, to keep the jealousies and desires from bringing back old behaviors and again threatening our relationship. i haven't yet figured out how to handle the conflict between desperately wanting her relationship with bf to fail (so she'll be free to be with me) and wanting her to have the life she wants, even if it is to be with him. it's hard, very hard to be objective and want for her what she wants for herself, because one choice leaves no chance of her and i and the other leaves only a possibility that she'd have me. but they say the definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. well, nothing i did before brought about the desired outcome; if anything, it only threatened to remove her from my life altogether. and since that is the least desireable outcome, then if making her happy in our relationship means helping her to be happy in her relationship with bf and supporting her in that relationship, then that's what i'll do. but if the feelings i felt from her yesterday are an indication of what she's capable of giving, even if she's still loving him, then i'll take it. the warmth and genuine affection i felt from her were just... overwhelming. while i may never have her innermost love or have her as my partner, to have her love like yesterday is more than anyone could hope for.

she is an amazing woman. i'm so fortunate to know her. and so happy to have her in my life.

guess i'm living in a fantasy world

i guess i'm living in a fantasy world...

i really expected her to call me this morning, to contact me.

not that it's all better or anything...

guess i'm just having a hard time believing it's over. i'm having a hard time believing that she doesn't feel the emptiness and loss that i do. the vacuum that used to be us in the others' life.

g-d this is hard.

and it's just beginning.

revelation(ettes) and epiphany(ettes)

A very long weekend. knowing that over there is a woman who is able to completely put me out of her life, despite everything we've shared and come to know about each other.

had some interesting revelation-ettes this weekend. can't call 'em revelations or epiphanies yet because i'm still not sure what they mean completely.

B's hurt stems a great deal from me doing things that were "ours". (and from lying about it). she reminded me of a couple of things from the past where she had done things that i'd considered "ours" and how much i'd been hurt by them.

as in the past, i hadn't seen that perspective on my actions until afterward, until after i'd already caused the hurt. (is that a guy thing or just me?)

revelationette 1: i went to a bar saturday night. it was kinda crowded, a youngish crowd, loud music and then live music. it was fun, in a way, to watch it. after a while, it was also sad because i knew it wasn't me. i think i'd had (not dreams, maybe) visions? that i'd be able to hang in a club, having a good time, meeting people. women. couples. finding fuck buddies even? why would i think that? i've never been able to meet women in a club before. never. why would i be able to now? but truthfully, that wasn't even the point. i'd had visions of B and I in clubs, having fun. She'd be much more at home in that element than I. She's much younger, more vivacious. Besides, she's a young, beautiful, outgoing woman. Everywhere she goes, people want to meet -her-.

revelationette 2: i'd gone out late saturday afternoon, just to get out. i'd intended to do so earlier but between being hung over and still crushed by B walking away from me (the effects and pain of which will be around for long into the foreseeable future), i was simply unable to get out of the house. so i loaded the bike in the car with the intent of going to the lake and riding the bike trails i'd heard about. i couldn't find the bike trails, but i did find something else: an rc airplane flying field. i'd been involved in the hobby years ago and loved it. there were only two guys there, but i watched them fly for a while. it was fun to watch. i went back on sunday and there was more activity, more flyers. i talked to a few of them, got club info and the like. i immediately became interested in the hobby again and could see myself out there on the weekends flying, maybe even an occasional afternoon during the week since i can get out early.

related observation: as i was coming back from the flying field, i saw two couples on motorcycles pulling into homes in my neighborhood. couples my age, not "bikers" necessarily, but just couples out for a ride on a beautiful weekend day.

epiphaniette 1: what it is and isn't about. put all these together. let stew for a while. and then it began to take shape. i began to see the great difference in B and her life and me and mine. maybe it explains why (or at least a partial why) she couldn't leave where she was. to put it simply- you can't make sex your life. it can be a big part of it, an important part. but there has to be more. B has a life; a home, a partner, a routine, a dog, all of it. part of that life is a sex life. she wishes it were better (although it's probably gotten a whole lot better in the last week or so) and there's sex she wants that she hasn't been getting, though that might have changed too. but again, it's sex within the ?boundaries? of a -life-. if she doesn't have sex for an afternoon or a day or even a week, she still has the life. for as long as i've been separated/divorced, i've been avoiding getting a life, avoiding finding and doing those things that make up a life. sure, i've done things but never ?embraced? them, always doing them as things that had to be done, this time, to get through with it. i never took up a hobby, or found friends, or made a life. i didn't really make seeking sex my priority either though, because i had a fuck buddy. so i could go there for sex and withdraw from, or hide from, both having to get a life and having to look for sex. since i've moved here though, that balance has been upset. here, i haven't yet made a life, and although i have thought about it i've also found myself fighting it. i also was able to find sex, with a couple. finding them allowed me to take my focus off the "life" side of things and focus on the sex side. and with that focus and making that so "important" and such a large part of my being, i let myself get carried away. carried away with the excitement and the newness and the novelty without thinking about the ramifications of it all, of the effects on others in my life (especially B and my relationship with her). so here it is, epiphaniette 1: sex is a part of life, not the other way around. sex cannot be your life. it can't. at least not for me. don't get me wrong, i want it to be a big part of my life. i want to have a happy, healthy, active sex life, one that extends beyond what most peoples' does. i want the sex life that B and I always talked about having together. the difference now is that i see that that sex life is a part of a larger life, not the other way around.

and now i think i understand why B is gone. even though we were never together physically, we were "together". we had that kind of closeness, a closeness and understanding that most real couples never get to. and she looked at our relationship and the sex in it one way - that is, as sex within a life. all that we had together, talk, phones, IM, email, our conversations, those were our life. within that life was our sex. and the sex included things we wanted to do between us and to do with others. and i think because she wouldn't give me her life, wouldn't give me anything besides our conversation time and phone and im and email, and sex, i think i looked at it as though the sex -was- our life. that's not quite right - maybe more like i looked at the sex as though it would be a central, majority part of our life, instead of looking at it as it should be, which is that it would have been an important part of our life. a subtle difference, but huge really.

so if you look at what's happened between B and i in the last week or so (and probably back to -all- our incidents), it's easy to see why she's upset, why she hates me, why she feels betrayed, why she left. boil it down, and it's plain to see: i cheated on her. i took things that belonged to a very important part of our life/relationship (things that were special to us in our sex) and i took those elsewhere. i took things that were -ours- and i took them elsewhere. i cheated on her. betrayed her. and as usually happens in a betrayal, i lied to her. again. and i justified the betrayal by saying "but she won't be physical/real with me". and i justified the lying by saying it was to keep from hurting her. neither was a justification. and in the end, i cheated on the woman i love. period. even though our relationship has some unique aspects to it, it's still a relationship. she gave me her trust and her intimacy and her love. and i betrayed her. and lied to her.

epiphaniette 2: wow. writing it out has triggered another. B has told me often that when we weren't so focused on "us" that we were better, that she was more attracted to me when i had my own life. now i get it. and i see that as i pulled away from my life, from having my own life, and began to focus more and more on "us", making her my life, the major part of my life, and making (or trying to make) our sex the major part of our relationship (instead of just letting it happen as a natural consequence of our relationship, which it would have) - that coincided with the ?conflict? in our relationship. she was right all along when she told me, time and again, to just "be", to just let us happen, to not focus on us so much and so hard, and to just let us have our time together. the other part of that, though i don't know that either of us put it together then, was that i needed to get a life, find interests and things to do, outside of the "us" and our time together. she told me that too. many times. i didn't want to do it because i didn't want anything to come between us, didn't want anything to distract me from her (although i think i was more scared that she, seeing me have a life, would think i was loosing interest in her and that she would then lose interest).





now what?

now i have some knowledge of myself that i didn't have before. but the fact is that i've still lost her, driven her away.

how do you integrate life truths into your life when you can see the woman you want to share you life with walking away? my one, the one.

what's the point of even going on?

i can't do it

i can't handle this. she's gone.

gone.

i can't breathe. can't concentrate. i've im'd her a dozen times, left her messages. sent emails. checked my email a million times.

i've had to go outside to get some privacy three times. sat in the bathroom. walked around the building.

i can't do it. i won't be able to handle this. how can it be so easy for her? the largest and most important part of my life is just ... gone.

now what?

the first time this happened, i went to a friends house to get away and spent three days completely wasted. we had phones then and about 4:13pm on that saturday i got a message that said "i miss my friend".

now she just wants me gone.

how can i make it through the rest of my life? or through the weekend? even through the rest of today?

and why? why bother? there's nothing on the other side of today, tomorrow, the weekend, next year.. only more time without her.

who needs it? who would want it?

i don't.

i don't even want to make it to tonight. maybe there'll be a traffic accident and a fiery death. it'll hurt less than this. and then it'd be over.

this pain will never be over.

gasping for breath

it just gets worse and worse.

in a small email exchange last night before she left (without talking) she explained what i thought was the crux of the problem. she' s hurt. i hurt her, again.

i read her words and, knowing her, the hurt pours out of them. and then she lashes out at me in a final sentence or two, saying two of the most hurtful things she's ever said to me. two things so dismissive of the specialness of what we've shared, so hurtful, so directly aimed at my heart.

my g-d, what have i done??

today will be the hardest day yet. friday. we always get time to talk friday afternoons, between one and three hours. i wonder if she'll even talk to me at all today.

B, please, if you see this. please come back.

please.

i love you.

silence

she hasn't called.

hasn't IM'd.

hasn't emailed.

i've tried IM, email, calling, vm, VoIP phone.

nothing.

i can't concentrate, can't think of anything else. i check my fucking mail every 3 minutes. i call her phone. check to see if she's online.

is it so easy for her to just change her life? our time was a constant factor in our day - is it so easy for her to just remove me and fill it in with something else?

i want to get in my car and drive to her, find her, seek her out, plead with her.

but i don't know who she is. or where. and even if i did find her, it would only guarantee that she'd never, ever, ever speak to me again.

and even if i did find her, what could i do? her mind is made up. i have no "pull" with her. no one convinces her to do anything she doesn't want to do.

and she seems to not want me in her life.

what do i do?

what can i do? (nothing)

this can't be happening. it can't. i can't believe it. won't believe it.

but i don't have a choice do i?

no "Dallas" shower scene

i woke up this morning like i usually do - thinking of B within seconds of waking up. then the memory of yesterday crashing in on my thoughts. my first reaction was that it was just a bad dream, that that didn't really happen, couldn't have happened.

as my thoughts cleared my day and my future blackened.

it's true. she's gone.

she's been there with me and for me through the hardest years of my life. now she's gone. i thought those were the hardest years, but when i look ahead i see... nothing. the worst is yet to come. i always thought she'd be there, in some fashion. truthfully i always believed that somewhere down the line we'd be together. now the realization of what lies ahead, and what doesn't, is sitting heavy on me.

i'm not sure i can take it. i'm not sure i can make it. i'm not sure i want to.

i'd really gotten through much of the acceptance that she might never see me. not all, but i knew it wasn't a given. but i'd never, ever pictured a future without her phone calls or IMs. i never ever pictured a day without talking to her multiple times, without having an hour to talk at the end of the day to just relax and connect and enjoy each others' company. i know things haven't been great lately but even with our problems, her problems and my problems, we connected, we talked. the way we were able to talk to each other and discuss things was so much beyond what most people ever find. she didn't see that, or lost sight of it, perhaps didn't remember what it's like to be surrounded by people that you can't talk to or don't want to talk to.

even when we were bad we were better at communicating than most.

and now she's gone.

lost.

i'm lost.

she's turned her back on me, on us, on everything that we had, everything that we could have had.

i just lost my best friend ever

i just lost my best friend ever.

and it's even worse than if she had died - because she's choosing to not be in my life, choosing to not have me in her life anymore.

now what?

she'll go on. she already knows the path she wants to take. she'll stay with him, work on their relationship, put her all into it.

i was a better person with her in my life. based on my actions, i must not have been a very good person before her. she made me better, made me feel better, made me look at myself. she made me love her and she didn't even try to get me to do that. now she chooses to distance herself from me. which means that on closer inspection, i'm not the man or type of man she wants. or even wants in her life.

it's ironic that our relationship made her look at hers and find it lacking, made her realize that there were other things to be found, that intimacy isn't such a bad thing. and now my actions are pushing her to put her all into saving a relationship that she found wanting. i've pushed her back to the relationship she wanted to leave but couldn't bring herself to.

now what do i do? how do you live after being left by the most important person in your life?

or do you?

i knew it

i knew it.

two hours and no sign of her.

fuck.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

please B... please...

now what?

now what?

i knew i was setting myself up for this to happen. i knew it.

she's the only person who really knows me. she knows the sex i seek, what i want. she's the only person i can talk to about it, the only person i want to talk to about it. truth of the matter is, she's the person i want but i can't have her.

so i've been having some activities that i've wanted to share with her, but couldn't. because i know that every time we talk about my sex life it bothers her. it pushes us a little more apart, causes her to become a little withdrawn. and i don't want that. it's -her- i want and i want to keep us close. yet i know that she may never see me and i can't live a life of no sex, nor would she want me to. but the pain i hear in her when i tell her something, especially when i know she's dealing with her own sex/relationship issues... it kills me.

so i haven't told her some details, even when specifically asked. withholding information or lying, it's the same to her. and i guess i have to agree. and i knew it'd come out, i knew that when she asked me directly that i'd tell her. only now it's worse because i lied to her. again.

that's the killer. "again". in my daily life, whenever anything happens, i think of telling her about it. even stupid stuff. because she's there, she's my friend, my connected one. she cares about me. me! the only things i ever don't tell her are sex things, things that i know will hurt her. because the thing i can't stand is to push her further and further away. there's enough physical distance between us without adding more emotional distance. and there's enough obstacles to our ever being together without adding more. but that's exactly what i've done, what i've done in the past by not telling her everything.

she hung up on me yesterday. i heard it coming. i knew she was going.

i wish i knew if she was coming back today.

i'm numb. i know there's a great emptiness inside. i know the pain is there, it's just dulled somehow. i feel like the terminal patient three weeks after getting the news but I'm still hoping for the cure.

what will today bring?

will she come back? will she call? will she call from near and close or from arms' length?

i wait to see what my day will be like. what my life will be like.

will she be in my day? my life?

will she choose to include me in her day, her life?

tick

tick

the seconds crawl by pulling me inexorably toward the future.

i can see so clearly the future i want yet i have no control over that's to be my future or not.

I thought I could do it

0940
She decided last minute on Friday to close her office today. Last night, instead of looking forward with great anticipation to this morning, to the ring of the phone, i tried not to think about how she wasn't gonna be in my day today, wasn't gonna be part of my life today.

I tried to keep busy all morning, tried to keep focused on work so maybe i wouldn't notice her absence.

yeah, right.

to make it doubly worse, i don't know if i was even in her thoughts this weekend, or if she'll think of me today. we didn't end too well on friday. when that happens, i wonder if she even takes me with her for the weekend or does she just purge me from her thoughts?

did he take off today? dunno. probably. if he did, then the chance that she'll call today is low. she didn't call last night, which i don't understand, because i wished for and hoped for it all day and night. if he is working today, there's a chance she'll call. will she make the effort to do so?

only three lifetimes to go till the end of the day.

fuck.

-----------------------------------------------------
1130
not even two hours.

i can't breathe.

why can't she find a way to call?

why won't she?

-----------------------------------------------------
1345
another two hours and an eternity.

the more i tell myself to not expect a call, the more i tell myself that if she hasn't found the need to call by now that the chances of her doing so get even less, the more frantic i am hoping/wishing/willing her to please call. please.

truthfully, it's not even to -call- per se. i'm hoping/wishing/willing her to -want- me enough that she has to call, to want to hear my voice so much that she finds a way to call.

another couple of hours and he'll be home, if he worked today, and then there'll be zero chance of a call. if she couldn't find a way on sunday, there's no way she could find a way tonight.

so in two more hours i have to reset the clock for another 17 hours.

geezus.

geezus.

Uneasy about being at (even somewhat at) ease

she's got some work problems she's dealing with this morning. three hours ago she said she'd "brb". no problem, we all know what brb means - could be 2 minutes, could be an hour. for some people it could go much longer; i tend to find that i -have- to get back to her w/i an hour or so just to let her know i didn't forget her. (yeah, right, like that could happen.) and i admit, that since i've known her these last two years, i find it very hard to go more than an hour or so without communicating with her or at least trying to.

she's different, has a different "need to talk" timescale than i. it's taken me a long time to even ?accept? that and i finally do; mostly. it's one thing when it's an hour in the middle of the day, something completely different when it's a whole weekend (have i mentioned how much i've hated weekends since last thanksgiving?) and then lunch on monday before we get to talk. that still drives me to the brink.

so now it's three hours. she's either had lunch, or met him already, or not gonna take it which means we won't get to do a little something we'd talked about (nothing worth mentioning, just something ... private and different). i can see the panic in me. i can feel it around the edges. i'm not the least bit okay with this in the sense that i "should just be able to accept it, there's nothing wrong, she's busy and will get back to me when she can". instead there's sort of a sad resignation in place, a feeling that this is my life, that she'll never let me any closer than the keyboard or the phone, that the pleasure i get from her being in my life will always be meted out, a lower priority than any of the myriad of other things that get to be a part of her physical world. i'm important to her - but the ups guy gets to actually see her, the client with stupid questions can call her office or cell, the 7-11 clerks get to see her dressed to kill.

i've wondered for some time how i can be both happy (that she's in my life) and sad (that she won't be in my life) at the same time. i read an article today that said that happiness and sadness are not mutually exclusive. that makes a lot of sense to me. when she's sensed my sadness at not being together, she's asked me if i'd rather not do this anymore. "no" is of course the answer, because she really does bring me so much happiness. i also have sadness that i'm not enough of what she wants that she'd let us be together.

i still hate bf for having such a hold on her, for not being what she needs him to be. and the ups guy for so nonchalantly knowing she's one of his stops. and the 7-11 clerks for not realizing what a beautiful person she is, for only ogling her for her physical beauty.

happy sadness? or sad happiness?

did i mention that i hate -him-?

and when she does come back and tells me that she's been dealing with non-stop bullshit, i'll feel like shit. and she'll sense my state of mind and feel bad for me, tell me she's sorry. and -that'll- make me feel crappy that i made her feel bad for doing nothing wrong.

then there's that voice at the edge of sanity that plants seeds of doubt in me... has she made her decision to stay? is she weaning me? there's absolutely NO reason for me to think that.

fuck me.

i need help. no wonder she keeps her privacy and her distance.

Monday, again

As usual, I let my need for her and my need to reconnect with her cast a shadow over our Monday.

But it's so hard to be waiting for her all weekend and when she's finally available, to act like we've not even been apart, like I haven't been forcefully separated from my love for days.

Even worse, I made stupid comments about punishing myself. Even -I- don't know what saying those things was supposed to accomplish, other than making me look (even) weak(er) and (more) pathetic. In my twisted logic, I think I wanted her to understand how tortured i feel, how hopeless and helpless i feel not being able to influence our relationship at all, at having ZERO ability to affect how or whether she wants me or wants to be with me. zero. so instead i show her a glimpse of me that even i found pathetic.

good job.

i'm sure she's more eager than ever to be with me now.

FUCK.

waiting for love

i haven't written here in several days, which is not to say she hasn't been heavily on my mind.

now it's the end of another weekend and again 2.5 days since we've talked. i miss her. she's been in my thoughts a lot. have i been in hers? i'd hoped, as always, that she'd be able to call me yesterday, especially knowing i'd be in the car most of the day, but no call.

and this morning? is she anticipating our call? looking forward to it?

i miss her. i love her. i need her.

i wait for her.