now she's gone. done.
now what do i do?
it figures, too... just when things were looking up for the first time in a long, long time. she and i were finding our way back, back to being the friends we are deep inside. things were starting to get a little better at home for her. i'm back on meds and starting to feel a little better. i joined an activity to get out of the house. i've been looking for a new place to live and just found one.
i hooked up with someone.
so while she said it was okay and what she wanted me to do, obviously not. she doesn't want to be with me, WON'T be with me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else either.
and now -she- doesn't want me in her life at all.
oblivion, here i come. there's not much left in this life now. i had hopes of managing to somehow live day to day until the time she left and wanted to be with me. (yes, i believed it would someday happen.)
no longer a viable dream.
now what?
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
denial, truth, honesty, respect
i think it was a screw up, she says not.
she called me from her desk phone without blocking the number. she says it showed the company name and number (not their main number, btw) of the company that bought the calling card. i've never heard of a calling card that worked like that, but i'll grant it's possible.
of course she says it's not right, it's not her, not really her number. i told her not to worry, that i wouldn't call her. besides, i couldn't ask for her by the name i know, and if i did get her on the phone with her real name, she'd claim she didn't know me, etc., which she's done twice before. one of those times, i thought she was going to come clean, but she didn't.
i asked her to please respect me enough to stop lying to me. she claims she's not and that i'm mistaken. problem is there's too many coincidences over the last three years.
she's always been big on being respected and very, very angry and hurt when i've done anything that she thought was disrespectful of her. it's never really been a big deal to me, but as i think about our situation now, i'm really feeling it. with so much evidence (admittedly much of it compiled vs. first hand verified) that irrefutably points to who she really is, i'm really starting to feel ... disrespected. played, even.
does she ?pride? herself on being able to keep me in the dark for so long? maybe bf knows all about me and she and bf recap the days' chats and talks and chuckle at how clueless i am? does she feel that i'm so completely fooled, so sheepishly accepting, so easily duped that she's got me completely wrapped up in the tale i'm given?
how can she possibly have any respect for me? if she had ANY respect for me how could she continue to lie to me? i've believed for a long time that she'll never come clean with me BECAUSE of the lies, the fabricated identity she's had to keep up for so long. i think she'd have too hard a time getting over the ?shame/something?, loss of face for having lied to me for so long, especially given that i knew (suspected) who she was almost from the very beginning and at every occasion where something else came to light that she had to explicitly deny, she got more and more deeply invested with the lie, and because of that, she can NEVER come clean with me. it'd be more important to her to not look like someone who'd do that than it would be to be together. and we already know that her and i getting together isn't a big priority for her. hell, she's willing to let parts of her very identity die and get buried rather than hurt his fucking FEELINGS. so if she won't save herself to avoid hurting his feelings, then certainly my feelings of being played are of absolutely no consequence to her.
and if she has no respect for me, then love would seem to be out of the question, wouldn't it? on the other hand, if she loved me, you'd think she'd want to meet me, especially after so long.
oh, right. she isn't meeting me, is she?
she called me from her desk phone without blocking the number. she says it showed the company name and number (not their main number, btw) of the company that bought the calling card. i've never heard of a calling card that worked like that, but i'll grant it's possible.
of course she says it's not right, it's not her, not really her number. i told her not to worry, that i wouldn't call her. besides, i couldn't ask for her by the name i know, and if i did get her on the phone with her real name, she'd claim she didn't know me, etc., which she's done twice before. one of those times, i thought she was going to come clean, but she didn't.
i asked her to please respect me enough to stop lying to me. she claims she's not and that i'm mistaken. problem is there's too many coincidences over the last three years.
she's always been big on being respected and very, very angry and hurt when i've done anything that she thought was disrespectful of her. it's never really been a big deal to me, but as i think about our situation now, i'm really feeling it. with so much evidence (admittedly much of it compiled vs. first hand verified) that irrefutably points to who she really is, i'm really starting to feel ... disrespected. played, even.
does she ?pride? herself on being able to keep me in the dark for so long? maybe bf knows all about me and she and bf recap the days' chats and talks and chuckle at how clueless i am? does she feel that i'm so completely fooled, so sheepishly accepting, so easily duped that she's got me completely wrapped up in the tale i'm given?
how can she possibly have any respect for me? if she had ANY respect for me how could she continue to lie to me? i've believed for a long time that she'll never come clean with me BECAUSE of the lies, the fabricated identity she's had to keep up for so long. i think she'd have too hard a time getting over the ?shame/something?, loss of face for having lied to me for so long, especially given that i knew (suspected) who she was almost from the very beginning and at every occasion where something else came to light that she had to explicitly deny, she got more and more deeply invested with the lie, and because of that, she can NEVER come clean with me. it'd be more important to her to not look like someone who'd do that than it would be to be together. and we already know that her and i getting together isn't a big priority for her. hell, she's willing to let parts of her very identity die and get buried rather than hurt his fucking FEELINGS. so if she won't save herself to avoid hurting his feelings, then certainly my feelings of being played are of absolutely no consequence to her.
and if she has no respect for me, then love would seem to be out of the question, wouldn't it? on the other hand, if she loved me, you'd think she'd want to meet me, especially after so long.
oh, right. she isn't meeting me, is she?
this can't be good
i knew it, i knew it, i knew it.
she's said many times that i should find someone to see; a date, a friend, a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. for halloween i went downtown and saw a woman i haven't seen in several months. i'd had a regular threesome with her and her husband but that ended abruptly. now she's getting unmarried. we talked, we drank, we hung out. we fucked.
i told B. she said she was happy, that she was glad i found someone to fuck. but there were subtle changes in her throughout the day. she didn't chat. changed her mind about going out to lunch and decided not to talk on the phone. decided to leave early coz bf was sick, did i want to talk for a minute before she left?
even worse, she said something that really bothered me. she said that her being there forever was starting to look more and more like reality.
it's bad for me that she's already accepted that we won't meet. but it's so much worse for her to be trapped in a relationship (she says) she doesn't want or like. she has no (apparent) reason to stay and nothing to hold her there. nothing legal, just some financial entanglements.
oh, but there's "his feelings". his parents had problems with infidelity, so she just couldn't leave him that way, it'd be terrible for him. aww. so instead she'll live her life drowning in nothingness. just to save his fucking feelings. too bad she hasn't seen what spending the rest of your life in a loveless, dull, boring marriage can do to you.
on the other hand, she has every opportunity to leave, so why doesn't she? a couple years ago, when things were better at home, getting in her car to leave was fairly common. now that things are shitty, she never even thinks about it.
the problem probably lies with me. she says she hates it but won't leave. says she wants me, love me, but won't meet. hates when he touches her but still thinks staying will help her get over that. obviously, i'm seeing what i want to see. i want to believe that she's a 30 y.o. single sexy woman who drives a silver benz who's working to free herself from a bad situation, not a 35 y.o. married woman who drives a blue benz who has a friend on the internet who she has never and will never intend to meet.
even when i told her about a potential job opportunity which would mean a significant reduction in the amount of time we get to talk and chat, she was okay with it.
for her, all roads lead to bf.
for me, i can't get there from here. or anywhere, apparently.
she's said many times that i should find someone to see; a date, a friend, a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. for halloween i went downtown and saw a woman i haven't seen in several months. i'd had a regular threesome with her and her husband but that ended abruptly. now she's getting unmarried. we talked, we drank, we hung out. we fucked.
i told B. she said she was happy, that she was glad i found someone to fuck. but there were subtle changes in her throughout the day. she didn't chat. changed her mind about going out to lunch and decided not to talk on the phone. decided to leave early coz bf was sick, did i want to talk for a minute before she left?
even worse, she said something that really bothered me. she said that her being there forever was starting to look more and more like reality.
it's bad for me that she's already accepted that we won't meet. but it's so much worse for her to be trapped in a relationship (she says) she doesn't want or like. she has no (apparent) reason to stay and nothing to hold her there. nothing legal, just some financial entanglements.
oh, but there's "his feelings". his parents had problems with infidelity, so she just couldn't leave him that way, it'd be terrible for him. aww. so instead she'll live her life drowning in nothingness. just to save his fucking feelings. too bad she hasn't seen what spending the rest of your life in a loveless, dull, boring marriage can do to you.
on the other hand, she has every opportunity to leave, so why doesn't she? a couple years ago, when things were better at home, getting in her car to leave was fairly common. now that things are shitty, she never even thinks about it.
the problem probably lies with me. she says she hates it but won't leave. says she wants me, love me, but won't meet. hates when he touches her but still thinks staying will help her get over that. obviously, i'm seeing what i want to see. i want to believe that she's a 30 y.o. single sexy woman who drives a silver benz who's working to free herself from a bad situation, not a 35 y.o. married woman who drives a blue benz who has a friend on the internet who she has never and will never intend to meet.
even when i told her about a potential job opportunity which would mean a significant reduction in the amount of time we get to talk and chat, she was okay with it.
for her, all roads lead to bf.
for me, i can't get there from here. or anywhere, apparently.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
another one, gone for good.
and so another day passes.
fifteen minutes with her this morning. and no chat because she got distracted.
and another day wasted. another day we could have been together but weren't - because... well, because one person wanting it isn't enough, is it?
another day that, should she ever change her mind and decide it might be worth a shot, we can never get back, never get a second chance at.
another day i wanted something she doesn't, another day started with cautious hope and optimism and ending with stark reality. another no on the tally. another day when, without even thinking about it, she goes home to him.
and another one tomorrow. and the next day.... ad infinitum.
fifteen minutes with her this morning. and no chat because she got distracted.
and another day wasted. another day we could have been together but weren't - because... well, because one person wanting it isn't enough, is it?
another day that, should she ever change her mind and decide it might be worth a shot, we can never get back, never get a second chance at.
another day i wanted something she doesn't, another day started with cautious hope and optimism and ending with stark reality. another no on the tally. another day when, without even thinking about it, she goes home to him.
and another one tomorrow. and the next day.... ad infinitum.
and still... no.
four days. then fifteen minutes. and now five more hours.
i hate not being in the top 2 things on her "most important list". hell, i'd settle for top 50.
but i guess that's nothing compared to knowing that she doesn't feel the same thing(s) i feel.
i'm worried about the color of the carpet and the contruction plans have been denied.
duh.
i hate not being in the top 2 things on her "most important list". hell, i'd settle for top 50.
but i guess that's nothing compared to knowing that she doesn't feel the same thing(s) i feel.
i'm worried about the color of the carpet and the contruction plans have been denied.
duh.
huh
a nice hello.
then off to a small family ?crises?....
ever get the feeling that some things just aren't meant to be?
then off to a small family ?crises?....
ever get the feeling that some things just aren't meant to be?
regular days, life & lessons
at the root of it is not being able to understand -how- she can stay away, stay apart and be so okay with it.
when she's gone for so long all kinds of things occur to me as possible scenarios for what she's been doing.
the biggest and hardest is that she's had a revelation, that some kind of understanding has happened for her and she's realized, without a doubt, that she is where she belongs, and "oh-my-g-d what the hell have i been doing??". that suddenly life is good between them, that all it better, that their connection is restored, deepened, strengthened.
or i wonder if things are the same for her as they've been and it's just been more of the same kind of days. but why wouldn't she want and try to get in touch?
or i wonder if she's left him, that she's spent the last 4 days moving his stuff out of the house, working out the details of who gets what, of how to split their properties and investments and money. but wouldn't she have at called? at least to say, hey, or for support? besides, she's got a party in a few days, and she'd never leave with that coming up. what would people think? and soon it'll be turkey day and they sometimes go away to his family and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be shitty? and what would people think? and then a couple of weeks later is xmas and all that, and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be a crappy thing to do. and what would people think? besides, they already have plans. so no, she didn't leave him. and isn't going to.
so it comes down to it's just been a few more regular days for her. home time, him time, living life time.
i'm learning, catching on, starting to figure it out. and part of me, and the dream, dies with every lesson.
when she's gone for so long all kinds of things occur to me as possible scenarios for what she's been doing.
the biggest and hardest is that she's had a revelation, that some kind of understanding has happened for her and she's realized, without a doubt, that she is where she belongs, and "oh-my-g-d what the hell have i been doing??". that suddenly life is good between them, that all it better, that their connection is restored, deepened, strengthened.
or i wonder if things are the same for her as they've been and it's just been more of the same kind of days. but why wouldn't she want and try to get in touch?
or i wonder if she's left him, that she's spent the last 4 days moving his stuff out of the house, working out the details of who gets what, of how to split their properties and investments and money. but wouldn't she have at called? at least to say, hey, or for support? besides, she's got a party in a few days, and she'd never leave with that coming up. what would people think? and soon it'll be turkey day and they sometimes go away to his family and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be shitty? and what would people think? and then a couple of weeks later is xmas and all that, and how could she leave him then, wouldn't that be a crappy thing to do. and what would people think? besides, they already have plans. so no, she didn't leave him. and isn't going to.
so it comes down to it's just been a few more regular days for her. home time, him time, living life time.
i'm learning, catching on, starting to figure it out. and part of me, and the dream, dies with every lesson.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
quittin' time
ok then. it's five her time and i haven't heard from her, so it's not gonna happen.
i guess i was too good at convincing her to leave me behind and enjoy her time off.
what if she likes the peace and quiet without me? what if she's truly reaccustomed herself to being fully back in her/their life? at least she'll have gotten back to where she needed to be, where she's wanted to be all along and then i can fade away into the sunset.
in seventeen hours we'll know.
i guess i was too good at convincing her to leave me behind and enjoy her time off.
what if she likes the peace and quiet without me? what if she's truly reaccustomed herself to being fully back in her/their life? at least she'll have gotten back to where she needed to be, where she's wanted to be all along and then i can fade away into the sunset.
in seventeen hours we'll know.
so there
i really thought she'd make the effort to call, email, im, something.
on the other hand, she finally took some of my advice - to relax, not worry about work. or me.
can't say i'm happy about it.
i guess i really -am- hard to please.
lyrics borrowed from Nickelback, Someone That You're With
on the other hand, she finally took some of my advice - to relax, not worry about work. or me.
can't say i'm happy about it.
i guess i really -am- hard to please.
lyrics borrowed from Nickelback, Someone That You're With
This whole thing's like
some sort of race
Instead of winning what I want
I'm sitting here in second place
...
Because somewhere
the one I wanna be with's
with somebody else
...
Oh g-d, I wanna be that
someone that you're with
...
I've got to be that
someone that you're with
...
And if you're out there with him
somewhere and just about to kiss
g-d I wanna be that
someone that you're with
...
Instead of being out with me
you must be out with them
...
Because somewhere the one
I wanna be with's
with somebody else
sliding
when she called on saturday (an eternity ago) i told her i felt like i'd be okay with her being out yesterday and today.
it seemed true, at the time.
i told her to relax and enjoy and not worry about me, to leave me at "work", to not carry me around with her so she'd be able to concentrate on being home, in their home, with him, in their life.
seems like she's finally taking some of my advice.
much to my chagrin.
it seemed true, at the time.
i told her to relax and enjoy and not worry about me, to leave me at "work", to not carry me around with her so she'd be able to concentrate on being home, in their home, with him, in their life.
seems like she's finally taking some of my advice.
much to my chagrin.
Monday, October 23, 2006
slipping
i'm slipping. i thought the peace/calm/whatever i felt over the weekend would carry me until she got back, but i'm slipping.
being busy helps a little but only for a few minutes at a time.
being aware of her alter ego hasn't helped any. on the other hand, in some way it makes me more sure than ever that she has no intention of ever meeting.
65 hours and counting.
being busy helps a little but only for a few minutes at a time.
being aware of her alter ego hasn't helped any. on the other hand, in some way it makes me more sure than ever that she has no intention of ever meeting.
65 hours and counting.
a peaceful weekend
know what it takes to make me walk around grinning like an idiot for most of a weekend?
an unexpected call from B on saturday morning! wow... what a surprise... what a pleasure...
yes, it's still a huge sorrow that we don't have (and won't have) saturday mornings anymore. yes, it's still a huge ?weight? that she'll be out of touch till wednesday. and of course it's still gonna be a long lifetime without her.
on the other hand, as i told her, i'm... ?okay? with her being gone monday and tuesday. it hurts a lot right now, i can feel the rock in my chest, but ... i'll survive.
miss her though.
i'll still miss what we could and should have had.
but that i always will.
and just as a sidenote, her "alter ego" is out of the office the same days. again. cosmic coincidence?
an unexpected call from B on saturday morning! wow... what a surprise... what a pleasure...
yes, it's still a huge sorrow that we don't have (and won't have) saturday mornings anymore. yes, it's still a huge ?weight? that she'll be out of touch till wednesday. and of course it's still gonna be a long lifetime without her.
on the other hand, as i told her, i'm... ?okay? with her being gone monday and tuesday. it hurts a lot right now, i can feel the rock in my chest, but ... i'll survive.
miss her though.
i'll still miss what we could and should have had.
but that i always will.
and just as a sidenote, her "alter ego" is out of the office the same days. again. cosmic coincidence?
Friday, October 20, 2006
and so it goes
over an hour ago, she said it'd be 20 mins. i know better, why do i get disappointed?
sigh. last night i heard a song i haven't heard in a long, long time. she said recently that she liked it when i'd once before recorded me singing a song to her. i was going to do that with this song (What Are You Doing With the Rest of Your Life). i thought the sultry, soft flow of the song would touch her. and yeah, that the words might evoke some emotion, stir her into action. dunno why, nothing else has ever budged her to do anything. certainly, the words mean a lot to me. but they talk about spending all your life with the singer, something she's not willing to even consider. after the latest "begging her to see me" fiasco today, i'm hesitant.
on the brighter side, i've got, roughly, 115 hours (or 6,900 minutes or 414,000 seconds) to think about what to do. coz it'll be that long until she's back in my world.
just over four and a half days. hopefully she'll rest, get caught up on sleep and shed some of the stress that's been hammering her. (well, in about 15 mins she'll shed the biggest part of it - me).
hopefully i'll get some rest too.
yeah.
sigh. last night i heard a song i haven't heard in a long, long time. she said recently that she liked it when i'd once before recorded me singing a song to her. i was going to do that with this song (What Are You Doing With the Rest of Your Life). i thought the sultry, soft flow of the song would touch her. and yeah, that the words might evoke some emotion, stir her into action. dunno why, nothing else has ever budged her to do anything. certainly, the words mean a lot to me. but they talk about spending all your life with the singer, something she's not willing to even consider. after the latest "begging her to see me" fiasco today, i'm hesitant.
on the brighter side, i've got, roughly, 115 hours (or 6,900 minutes or 414,000 seconds) to think about what to do. coz it'll be that long until she's back in my world.
just over four and a half days. hopefully she'll rest, get caught up on sleep and shed some of the stress that's been hammering her. (well, in about 15 mins she'll shed the biggest part of it - me).
hopefully i'll get some rest too.
yeah.
wtf is wrong with me???
geezus fucking christ... what the fuck is wrong with me??
i did it again. i BEGGED her to please, please meet me.
i even believed that the long pause was her considering it. nope. just trying to think of a way to tell me no.
again.
scorecard: no's: 1174? yes's: 0.
forecast: no's throughout the day, continuing throughout the rest of my fucking natural life.
i did it again. i BEGGED her to please, please meet me.
i even believed that the long pause was her considering it. nope. just trying to think of a way to tell me no.
again.
scorecard: no's: 1174? yes's: 0.
forecast: no's throughout the day, continuing throughout the rest of my fucking natural life.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
the light bulb starts to glow
yesterday was spectacularly bad.
the day before she told me, about her relationship, "i'm inclined to let it run its course".
today i said to her "we both agree the fix to 80% of the tension/problems between us is for us to meet and that's not something you can do".
she told me she agreed.
the day before she told me, about her relationship, "i'm inclined to let it run its course".
today i said to her "we both agree the fix to 80% of the tension/problems between us is for us to meet and that's not something you can do".
she told me she agreed.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
(pluck)(pluck)(pluck)
she loves me. she loves me not. she loves me. she....
she what? yes or no?
call it love, or like, or even just give it a level or importance.
how important am i to her?
am i important enough:
to want to be with me?
to even want to meet me?
to want me to know who she is?
to give me any extra consideration when, after two tough days, and today after having spoken/chatted about 15 mins total, when i want to get her attention, want to be in her mind, her focus?
to be worth the risk of trying to call on the weekends?
she what? yes or no?
call it love, or like, or even just give it a level or importance.
how important am i to her?
am i important enough:
to want to be with me?
to even want to meet me?
to want me to know who she is?
to give me any extra consideration when, after two tough days, and today after having spoken/chatted about 15 mins total, when i want to get her attention, want to be in her mind, her focus?
to be worth the risk of trying to call on the weekends?
bottom line, rev. 257
she says i always have to "bottom line" it, make some statement into a final declaration. in a way she's right - in the absence of anything definitive from her, i have to draw my own conclusions.
so, latest "bottom line" ....
she said "i'm inclined to let it [her relationship] run its course".
well, that's pretty concrete as far as time goes. it pretty much narrows it down to somewhere between today and thirty years from now.
because it seems as though most couples seem to finish out their lives in relationships approaching quiet desperation but which aren't bad enough to make either person actually -end- it, i'm gonna have to take this as meaning... "i'm not gonna end it, it's not bad enough to -make- either of us end it, so it's not likely it'll ever end".
that's encouraging.
so, latest "bottom line" ....
she said "i'm inclined to let it [her relationship] run its course".
well, that's pretty concrete as far as time goes. it pretty much narrows it down to somewhere between today and thirty years from now.
because it seems as though most couples seem to finish out their lives in relationships approaching quiet desperation but which aren't bad enough to make either person actually -end- it, i'm gonna have to take this as meaning... "i'm not gonna end it, it's not bad enough to -make- either of us end it, so it's not likely it'll ever end".
that's encouraging.
Monday, October 16, 2006
what do i say?
she asks me what's wrong. what do i say? what do i say that hasn't already been said a thousand times?
i've tried and tried to explain to her what it's like to be rejected by the one person you care the most for and about. she's said "no" to me roughly one thousand one hundred and seventy times. you know, they say to persevere, to stick to it, to not take the first no you get. but geezus, am i fucking dense or what? how many no's am i supposed to ignore?
i've tried to explain to her that if "it" was, if "this" was as important to her as it is to me, that she'd have been running, RUNNING three years ago. that NOTHING would have been able to keep her from finding me. instead, a relationship that she says she knows isn't what she wants is still enough to keep her rooted, happy enough, satisfied. so is she kidding herself that it's not what she wants? or am i hearing what she says and not seeing the obvious truth that if she wasn't happy, or if this/i was really what she wanted, that she'd have made her move a long time ago.
i can't think of any more ways to tell her what if feels like to know that she can so easily say good bye to me and go home to him. to their home, the life they share. shopping together. preparing for a holiday party. spending evenings together. sleeping together. having weekends together. she says her life is boring, that they do nothing. i'd take that. in a heartbeat.
we could have had two years together already. two fucking years. or even a year and a half, or a year. but no. she'd rather "endure" seven hundred more days of a life she says isn't what she wants than to take a chance on something she says she does want.
she tells me she understands and that she knows the pull of the heart towards a loved one.
if only it was me.
i've tried and tried to explain to her what it's like to be rejected by the one person you care the most for and about. she's said "no" to me roughly one thousand one hundred and seventy times. you know, they say to persevere, to stick to it, to not take the first no you get. but geezus, am i fucking dense or what? how many no's am i supposed to ignore?
i've tried to explain to her that if "it" was, if "this" was as important to her as it is to me, that she'd have been running, RUNNING three years ago. that NOTHING would have been able to keep her from finding me. instead, a relationship that she says she knows isn't what she wants is still enough to keep her rooted, happy enough, satisfied. so is she kidding herself that it's not what she wants? or am i hearing what she says and not seeing the obvious truth that if she wasn't happy, or if this/i was really what she wanted, that she'd have made her move a long time ago.
i can't think of any more ways to tell her what if feels like to know that she can so easily say good bye to me and go home to him. to their home, the life they share. shopping together. preparing for a holiday party. spending evenings together. sleeping together. having weekends together. she says her life is boring, that they do nothing. i'd take that. in a heartbeat.
we could have had two years together already. two fucking years. or even a year and a half, or a year. but no. she'd rather "endure" seven hundred more days of a life she says isn't what she wants than to take a chance on something she says she does want.
she tells me she understands and that she knows the pull of the heart towards a loved one.
if only it was me.
wish i knew me
why is it that i can basically go all weekend knowing she's back in her real life (not that i like it but, hey, i don't really have any choice or say, do i?), and then when we're back in contact, i fall apart again?
in the bigger picture it amazes me how fast the days go by and each one feels wasted because if she ever did decide to be with me, they're gone for good... and yet, the time spent waiting for the other shoe to drop is interminably long.
when the condemned lay on the guillotine waiting for the blade to make its descent, i wonder if that final minute seemed inpossibly long. and impossibly short.
the ropes' already been pulled. tick. in my minds' eye i see the catch retract, freeing the blade. tick. gravity clutches at it, slowly accelerating it and sending it inexorably downward. tick. it's been forever waiting for the end that's coming. and it'll be here way too soon.
tick.
in the bigger picture it amazes me how fast the days go by and each one feels wasted because if she ever did decide to be with me, they're gone for good... and yet, the time spent waiting for the other shoe to drop is interminably long.
when the condemned lay on the guillotine waiting for the blade to make its descent, i wonder if that final minute seemed inpossibly long. and impossibly short.
the ropes' already been pulled. tick. in my minds' eye i see the catch retract, freeing the blade. tick. gravity clutches at it, slowly accelerating it and sending it inexorably downward. tick. it's been forever waiting for the end that's coming. and it'll be here way too soon.
tick.
Friday, October 13, 2006
what a wonderful day
the last few days we've crossed some threshold or something. we've talked hard, hard topics.
and come through them okay. it doesn't and won't put her with me, but two friends are standing face to face again, talking.
it's been far too long since they really talked.
and even though it's another weekend, another 2.5 days before we talk again, it's ... not the end of the world.
i'm glad she didn't give up on me. i had.
and come through them okay. it doesn't and won't put her with me, but two friends are standing face to face again, talking.
it's been far too long since they really talked.
and even though it's another weekend, another 2.5 days before we talk again, it's ... not the end of the world.
i'm glad she didn't give up on me. i had.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
what a spectacular day
just when you think you can't get any farther down...
i pleaded with her, begged her for something today. no.
i tried everything i could, every argument, every alternative, every bit of reason i could come up with to just get her to look at it from a different perspective. no.
and i have to face the fact that if we were to ever be together there'd be a major problem, for me at least. she can't do something she doesn't want to do, WON'T do something she doesn't want to do, even if it's for someone she loves, and even if it's something they need. i guess nobody ever -wants- to do something they don't wanna do, but when you love someone, and when you clearly know that it's something they NEED, don't you do it for them?
it doesn't lessen my opinion of her, or my feelings, but... it is a surprise. she has so much compassion in her, and is capable of giving so much love, if she'd let herself, that it's just hard to understand that, when push comes to shove, she can't do something just because her loved one needs it.
but then, maybe i'm not her loved one.
this has been the hardest day in a long, long time. i've hit what i fucking hope is rock bottom. we've hit rock bottom. yet despite her professed concern for the state of our relationship, she won't budge. on anything. won't even consider leaving him. or really evaluating her life and what she wants, which she's promised to do before. won't even consider ANY alternative other than what she wants to do.
i think i can honestly say that this is the first time ever that i really don't give a shit if there's a tomorrow for me or not. i know there's no future. so what's another tomorrow? or ten? or ten years?
three years ago i was the happiest i've ever been. i knew her, had no doubt that she and i would share a future. now that i know that's never gonna happen, all there are ahead of me is tomorrows. no future, just tomorrows. more days without her. or more accurately, with just the little bit of her she can give me.
and it's such a little thing i need too. something that is normally given within the first couple of hours of a normal relationship. three years and she still can't do it. won't do it. because she doesn't want to.
and to top it all off, i can't even drink myself stupid tonight coz i got a fucking physical tomorrow and i have to fast.
what a great day.
she can hang up the phone, shut it all down, quiet the distracting noise and go home to her life like nothing happened out of the ordinary. and truthfully, what did happen? just some bumps in her workday.
a confirmation for me that i cannot and will not have what i want or need. a few minutes late departure from work for her, before returning to her life.
it's not even wednesday.
i pleaded with her, begged her for something today. no.
i tried everything i could, every argument, every alternative, every bit of reason i could come up with to just get her to look at it from a different perspective. no.
and i have to face the fact that if we were to ever be together there'd be a major problem, for me at least. she can't do something she doesn't want to do, WON'T do something she doesn't want to do, even if it's for someone she loves, and even if it's something they need. i guess nobody ever -wants- to do something they don't wanna do, but when you love someone, and when you clearly know that it's something they NEED, don't you do it for them?
it doesn't lessen my opinion of her, or my feelings, but... it is a surprise. she has so much compassion in her, and is capable of giving so much love, if she'd let herself, that it's just hard to understand that, when push comes to shove, she can't do something just because her loved one needs it.
but then, maybe i'm not her loved one.
this has been the hardest day in a long, long time. i've hit what i fucking hope is rock bottom. we've hit rock bottom. yet despite her professed concern for the state of our relationship, she won't budge. on anything. won't even consider leaving him. or really evaluating her life and what she wants, which she's promised to do before. won't even consider ANY alternative other than what she wants to do.
i think i can honestly say that this is the first time ever that i really don't give a shit if there's a tomorrow for me or not. i know there's no future. so what's another tomorrow? or ten? or ten years?
three years ago i was the happiest i've ever been. i knew her, had no doubt that she and i would share a future. now that i know that's never gonna happen, all there are ahead of me is tomorrows. no future, just tomorrows. more days without her. or more accurately, with just the little bit of her she can give me.
and it's such a little thing i need too. something that is normally given within the first couple of hours of a normal relationship. three years and she still can't do it. won't do it. because she doesn't want to.
and to top it all off, i can't even drink myself stupid tonight coz i got a fucking physical tomorrow and i have to fast.
what a great day.
she can hang up the phone, shut it all down, quiet the distracting noise and go home to her life like nothing happened out of the ordinary. and truthfully, what did happen? just some bumps in her workday.
a confirmation for me that i cannot and will not have what i want or need. a few minutes late departure from work for her, before returning to her life.
it's not even wednesday.
maybe learning is still possible
i've kinda always had this problem: when i have something to say (verbal or email) it HAS to get said, has to get out, even those times when i -know- it shouldn't. even those times when i have a feeling it shouldn't and those times when i'm not sure (which probably means they shouldn't).
she's always wanted me to say (or send) whatever it was. sometimes she's had issues with it, but usually not. she takes it in, we talk about it, it's done. just the other day, however, even she said that there's probably things and thoughts that should stay unsaid. guess i've finally beat her down enough.
yesterday was not, to say the least, one of our better days and i take all the blame for it. and because i think everything i have to say is important, or at least relevant, or maybe just because i can't let something go where i know i'm at fault, i had to write her and try to explain. and even though it was a carefully crafted letter, i couldn't decide whether sending it would do good or harm. and i guess that was my answer. so, i didn't send it. maybe i AM learning.
in our relationship, she's in charge. if she says it, it must be so. if she wants or doesn't want something, that's the way it is. what i want or need is secondary. even as i say and think those things, it galls me, because i never wanted, and still don't want, a relationship that's anything other than a true partnership (sex play not included ;-) ). and yet, i'm powerless to do otherwise, because to do so would be to lose her. and while i believe our in-person relationship (had it happened) would have been a true partnership, i'm willing to let this be rather than lose it. not just willing, but i'll fight and do anything to keep it from going away.
we don't get to choose the people we fall in love with. and when it's that every-cell-in-your-body kinda thing, even when we know that it'll never be in person (and nevermind what that says about how the other feels about you), no price is too high a price to pay when weighed against the other not being in your life at all.
knowledge can be a dangerous thing. once something is known, it can't be unlearned. like knowing how to build the nuclear bomb, once a thing is known, it's known.
there's a jewish word, "bashert", which means your soulmate, "the one". knowing "the one" could be a blessing or a curse, depending on whether or not it's mutual.
I'll pose a quick survey question here, please leave a comment with your reply.
If you knew beforehand that your bashert, your soulmate, would not feel the same way about you and would not let you into their life, that the relationship you know you should have just was NOT gonna happen, would you still want to know that that person was your soulmate, your bashert? Or would you rather not know?
she's always wanted me to say (or send) whatever it was. sometimes she's had issues with it, but usually not. she takes it in, we talk about it, it's done. just the other day, however, even she said that there's probably things and thoughts that should stay unsaid. guess i've finally beat her down enough.
yesterday was not, to say the least, one of our better days and i take all the blame for it. and because i think everything i have to say is important, or at least relevant, or maybe just because i can't let something go where i know i'm at fault, i had to write her and try to explain. and even though it was a carefully crafted letter, i couldn't decide whether sending it would do good or harm. and i guess that was my answer. so, i didn't send it. maybe i AM learning.
in our relationship, she's in charge. if she says it, it must be so. if she wants or doesn't want something, that's the way it is. what i want or need is secondary. even as i say and think those things, it galls me, because i never wanted, and still don't want, a relationship that's anything other than a true partnership (sex play not included ;-) ). and yet, i'm powerless to do otherwise, because to do so would be to lose her. and while i believe our in-person relationship (had it happened) would have been a true partnership, i'm willing to let this be rather than lose it. not just willing, but i'll fight and do anything to keep it from going away.
we don't get to choose the people we fall in love with. and when it's that every-cell-in-your-body kinda thing, even when we know that it'll never be in person (and nevermind what that says about how the other feels about you), no price is too high a price to pay when weighed against the other not being in your life at all.
knowledge can be a dangerous thing. once something is known, it can't be unlearned. like knowing how to build the nuclear bomb, once a thing is known, it's known.
there's a jewish word, "bashert", which means your soulmate, "the one". knowing "the one" could be a blessing or a curse, depending on whether or not it's mutual.
I'll pose a quick survey question here, please leave a comment with your reply.
If you knew beforehand that your bashert, your soulmate, would not feel the same way about you and would not let you into their life, that the relationship you know you should have just was NOT gonna happen, would you still want to know that that person was your soulmate, your bashert? Or would you rather not know?
Monday, October 09, 2006
scientific fact
it's a new scientific fact. it's been confirmed.
"wishing" does NOT make something so.
nor does "wanting". or "hoping".
what is, is.
what isn't... well, isn't.
why am i surprised?
"wishing" does NOT make something so.
nor does "wanting". or "hoping".
what is, is.
what isn't... well, isn't.
why am i surprised?
Friday, October 06, 2006
i give
she wins. i lose. i give up.
not gonna meet me. not gonna see her.
not gonna reveal herself. never gonna be able to call her at her desk.
never gonna have more time than we have now. only less.
not gonna be a real part of her real life. gotta settle for so much less than what could've been.
not ever going to be able to tell me how she feels; about me or him or their life. but that says a lot, don't it?
never gonna hear her laugh without a thousand miles of phone line between her lips and my ears.
not a news flash. she's said all that from the beginning. i'm a slow learner.
she's not gonna look at her life to see if it's what she wants. she didn't this year or last year or the year before, despite her assurances she would. that says a lot, don't it?
she's not gonna let herself out of what -she says- is a bad relationship. but who would stay in such a place? that says a lot, don't it?
so i'm 0/1000. good thing i don't play sports.
but, i am gonna take her advice and seek professional help.
that way i can live out the rest of my 2nd place life and be happy.
yeah.
not gonna meet me. not gonna see her.
not gonna reveal herself. never gonna be able to call her at her desk.
never gonna have more time than we have now. only less.
not gonna be a real part of her real life. gotta settle for so much less than what could've been.
not ever going to be able to tell me how she feels; about me or him or their life. but that says a lot, don't it?
never gonna hear her laugh without a thousand miles of phone line between her lips and my ears.
not a news flash. she's said all that from the beginning. i'm a slow learner.
she's not gonna look at her life to see if it's what she wants. she didn't this year or last year or the year before, despite her assurances she would. that says a lot, don't it?
she's not gonna let herself out of what -she says- is a bad relationship. but who would stay in such a place? that says a lot, don't it?
so i'm 0/1000. good thing i don't play sports.
but, i am gonna take her advice and seek professional help.
that way i can live out the rest of my 2nd place life and be happy.
yeah.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
interesting dichotomy
we've been talking again ... talking like we should have been talking all along.
it's good. overall.
one thing does amuse me though. she offers up suggestions (valid suggestions, if only i'd take them) on how to make my life better, to not hate this crappy existence that i have to settle for. no, she doesn't call it that, she thinks my life is great and that her not being in it is no big deal. after all, it's no big deal to her that i'm not in her life.
what's funny is that every suggestion she gives turns so easily back to her and her life. and the thing is, she's following them! taking her own advice. and the killer, for me, is that it's so obvious that they are and will continue to work for her. that's not bad in and of itself, because i want her to start finding more happiness, start enjoying things again, start not feeling so lost in her life. what's funny is that the very things she suggests to me so that i can start enjoying (not hating?) my life a little more (because she won't be with me "for now") are exactly the things that she is doing that will make her so much better that she'll continue to grow and get back into her life there, with him. and it's yet another brick in the wall, yet another reason for her to stay right where she is.
and after all, why should that bother me?
oh, other than losing.
can ya lose if you never got a chance to play?
it's good. overall.
one thing does amuse me though. she offers up suggestions (valid suggestions, if only i'd take them) on how to make my life better, to not hate this crappy existence that i have to settle for. no, she doesn't call it that, she thinks my life is great and that her not being in it is no big deal. after all, it's no big deal to her that i'm not in her life.
what's funny is that every suggestion she gives turns so easily back to her and her life. and the thing is, she's following them! taking her own advice. and the killer, for me, is that it's so obvious that they are and will continue to work for her. that's not bad in and of itself, because i want her to start finding more happiness, start enjoying things again, start not feeling so lost in her life. what's funny is that the very things she suggests to me so that i can start enjoying (not hating?) my life a little more (because she won't be with me "for now") are exactly the things that she is doing that will make her so much better that she'll continue to grow and get back into her life there, with him. and it's yet another brick in the wall, yet another reason for her to stay right where she is.
and after all, why should that bother me?
oh, other than losing.
can ya lose if you never got a chance to play?
Monday, October 02, 2006
a(nother) sign of the times
it used to be, in the good old days, that when either of us had a tough day, we couldn't wait to talk, to get it out, to just vent and get support and a friendly voice.
now?
"not today though. rough day already (and i'm tired). "
"i'm just tired - lots of work shit. lots. "
now?
"not today though. rough day already (and i'm tired). "
"i'm just tired - lots of work shit. lots. "
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