I'm losing her more everyday.

It's so hard on me to not have her, not have her trust me enough to even tell me her name, to finally, after two years, to open up to me.

But it's not just that, it's a whole confluence of things.

Certainly her lack of trust in me is a biggie. She says she needs to maintain control, but really, after two years, control of what? If I was going to interfere in her life somehow, out her to bf or something, I could certainly have done it by now. So it has to be a trust thing. And the lack of trust cracks the surface of love and lets so many other doubts in. Is this real for her? Does she really feel like she says she does? Maybe I already know who she is but she can't tell me because it's too hard to admit that she's lied to me for so long. Maybe, maybe, maybe. None of these doubts are credible to me, but her lack of trust in me (me, who'd do -anything- for her! me!) gives them their second to infiltrate my mind.

With trust goes things like pictures. If you loved someone, wouldn't you want them to be able to see pictures of you? Wouldn't you -want- to send them shots fairly regularly? Here's me at the , my new haircut, cutting the grass, at a party. I would. I do. I send her pics probably every month or so. I don't think it's a conceit thing, it's just that I think "she loves me, so she'd want to see these". But she doesn't want me to have pics. So what's that mean? Why still hiding?

Getting together, becoming lovers for real. Next week she's on travel. Strictly by coincedence, I'm going to be in the same state on travel. I could extend my stay, rent a car and we could spend two days/nights together. A perfect opportunity. Ok, not 100% perfect, but 95%+ perfect. She won't do it. It wasn't her idea. It's me pressuring her. It's a situation that would give us more time together, with less possible interference from bf, than -any- opportunity we'd have if she was home and i went there. But it's not to be. She's feeling guilty; she can justify the phone relationship we have now, but can't "cross that line". I wonder if he'd feel better knowing that she and I have never fucked, only that she loves me?

I wish I could get her to understand how much pressure and stress would be lifted from our relationship (fine, i admit, primarily from me, but from her side too) if she would stop hiding from me. There's things, work things, I could do for her during the day. I know it's not much, but 4 or 5 things I do for her that each take 15 minutes frees her up a whole hour, either to get other things done and catch up, or to time for us to talk. But she can't. She won't.

The sexual relationship we (would) have is something she wants. At least, the -type- of relationship. She's told me how she's sad because she feels she'll have to live without it and she feels like it's such a big part of her, of who she is, of what she wants. I tell her she can have it - not just with me, but all she has to do is -do it-. Make him learn to give her what she wants; she says he can't. So move on, B! Come to me or find someone else who can give you want you want, what you need. But she's so afraid to hurt him, so attached to the comforts of that life that she can't see herself leaving. I always thought it was partly the financial aspects that kept her there. I'm afraid it's more of a reason than I thought, and more of a reason than she'll admit.

She has less time for me than ever. Admittedly, her work is changing and she's having to take on more stuff. But she won't stay as late because he gives her shit. She won't have another phone. She won't call me on Tuesday evenings or Saturdays or anytime on the weekends. She won't take time to read emails. Won't chat or email from home. All things she used to do. Maybe she's right - she said not too long ago that because I'm available to her all the time, I devalue the time, make it less special.

My heart will never be the same without her.