i guess it's time to accept it...

It's time to stop. Stop trying to pull her, trying to make her love me, stop trying to make her want me.

She's happy where she is, or happy enough. I can't make her want me or want to be with me. I can't convince her to make her own happiness the most important thing to consider when making her life. Or maybe she already does and being where she is -is- what makes her happy. Whether she's just too happy with him to be lured away, or she's not happy but I'm not enough to lure her away, it doesn't really matter. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl loves someone else, boy doesn't get the girl.

This is going to take so long, be so hard. Fuck, just the thought of it tightens my chest and my throat, makes me have to stop until the tears subside. But my wanting her only makes her uncomfortable and unhappy. She wants me as a friend. I wanted her as my life partner, as a lover, and as a friend. She has a partner and a lover though. I'll just try to be the best friend to her that I can be.

But how do you give up that hope? How do you give up the hope of a life that could have been so awesome, so full, so complete? When you find the person that completes you, makes you whole, makes you feel alive and human and wanted and loved, how do you let them walk out of your future? How do you live with that and just go on as though nothing happened?

This isn't a switch, an overnight change. This is going to take me a long, long time. Assuming I can even do it. At some level, I'll never be able to let her go, she'll always be a part of me, a place in my heart waiting for her. I'll fight it along the way. I'm sure I'll fall back into my old ways and try to win her, have her again and again. But I'll know in the back of my mind, in the empty pit of my stomach, that I can't have her, that she doesn't want to be with me, that she -is- where she wants to be.

It's so ironic. She loses desire for me because I'm too available. And I'm available all the time to her because I want it, crave being with her, need to be available for her. If I weren't available, she would think I'm not interested or didn't care, when nothing could be further from the truth. She said our time together (on the phone) would be more meaningful if we didn't have as much. But for me, we can't have enough. Every minute that we get, that she'll give me/us, is so precious. We used to have so much more time. I think that time was more meaningful to her than the lesser amount of time we have now, so something else must have changed too.

I'm losing her, have been losing her for some time. She's slowly slipping away, I think because she wants to be with him but feels guilty for the quality time we do get to spend together. So, subconsciously maybe, she's pulling back, a little at a time. She won't let herself have as much spare time at work, when she used to make much more time. Because she won't give herself more time, she won't write or respond to email, because to do so would take away from our already limited time, so I'd rather we talked. She'll spend 45 minutes looking for the perfect graphic to use in a document, but the 15 minutes she'd need for email has to come out of our already small allocation of time. I guess I don't blame her, because she is in a life with someone else, and she does have work responsibilities, and I really have no claim to her time. I'm only in her life at her choice anyway, so how can I demand or expect more? I can only want more.

When we had phones, she'd often take 30, 45, even 60 minutes for lunch. We'd talk, chat, have phone sex, whatever. Now she hardly goes out (and we don't have phones), she eats at her desk, and we talk for 15 mins or so. And never sex. She says she can't get into that mindset during the day. So, I've lost that attractiveness to her as well. It used to be that we couldn't wait for our next chance to have sex, to talk sex and sexy to each other. She's pulling away.

It's such a wonderful feeling to lose your heart to someone, to be able to give it, without reservation, without hesitation, to someone you know is the right one. It's so liberating, so freeing, such a feeling of uninhibited giving and loving.

It's such a terrible feeling to have lost your heart. Especially to know that you've found the right one, the one you've been looking for for so long, to have found her, to have connected, to know that she feels it too... only to find that she doesn't really feel the same thing, to have her realize that the love she already had is the one she wants to keep. It's not fair. It's so unfair, so wrong.

But I really don't have a choice, do I?