Waiting. And waiting.

I know where she is now, but where will she be when she gets back? Everytime they go away I wonder if he'll propose to her. Even worse, I wonder if she'll accept.

Has the trip brought them closer? How could it not, if even for a while?

When she called on Friday I asked her if she'd rather be going with me. She told me that was an unfair question and that she couldn't answer it. (Not sure if "couldn't" meant she had no answer or if it really meant "wouldn't".) I don't see why she couldn't. If she said yes, it wouldn't tell me anything more about her state of mind (actually, heart) than I already assumed/hoped/guessed. But if she said no, that she'd rather be going with him than me, that does tell me something, doesn't it?

Obviously there's something that holds her there. If she knows what it is, she isn't saying. If she doesn't know what it is though - is she thinking about it? If not, why not??? If she's thinking about it, trying to figure it out, okay, she'll find an answer. But if she's not thinking about it - what's that mean? If not, why the fuck not? Isn't -this-, our relationship, my future, her future, possibly our future important enough? Or should her not thinking about it be evidence enough of where her mind is, of the relative importance of me/her/us?

Fuck. So much uncertainty.

Waiting. Not knowing.

Loving her still.