Okay, so now what?

Three full hours later. For awhile I had reason to believe she would "be in later", but now I doubt that too.

So what's going on, what's happened? What are the possibilities?

1. She could be hurt.
   
2. She just hasn't had time to get to me yet.
3. She's back home, but something came up at home and she hasn't made it into the office yet.
4. She's back home and dealing with something big. She accepted a proposal, she's leaving him, he found out about me again.
5. She's still away.
   

Number 1, G-d forbid, and I'm going to arbitrarily rule this one out.

Number 2. I have to think about this one. The implications are too big.

Number 3. A possibility. Maybe she had too much fun on the trip and needed a day to recoup. Maybe boat problems. Or house problems. Any number of life things that could come up and require ones attention. But I would think, unless Number 2 is also at least partly correct, that she'd have found a way to call and say hi.

Number 4. The proposal is always a possibility. Everytime they go away I expect her to come back engaged. How could this expectation always be there? It seems to me, no matter what she says, that there's a whole lot more love/attraction/commitment from her to bf than she lets on. Could she have left him? Possible. (and yes, g-d forgive me, it's what i want, i'm sorry). But not likely. Could he have found out about me again? Possible. Again not likely. And the kick in the stomach here is that if he did, she's frantically trying to hold their relationship together.

Number 5. She's still away - I'm gonna put my money here. It could have been a last minute decision, like they were having so much fun together that she wanted another day. More likely, this was the plan from the beginning. I wondered how anyone could go to that famous place and not stay Monday night to see the fireworks. She might have not wanted to tell me so I wouldn't attribute more to the length of their vacation together than she wanted to deal with. Or maybe it really was last minute and she decided to fly home this morning and will be in the office later.

What about number 2? If she's back at work today how could she not have time for me? No time for a 1 minute call to say "I'm too busy for you. Later."???? Or an IM to say "I'm in the office. Very busy. Maybe we'll talk later"??? But she knows me well enough to know those would have their own effects on me - so maybe she wouldn't do so, because it'd be easier to just deal with the original number 2 than to deal with that plus my reaction to being told bluntly "I don't have time for you".

So I have to go with number 5 - that she's still away, or at least, didn't come back last night. And I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling that coming back last night was never the original itinerary. So why wouldn't she tell me that?

None of these possibilities are "good" for me or my hope of where B wants me in her life. (BTW, please G-d, I'm trusting in You that she's okay.) Maybe the breakup scenario, but that's exceedingly unlikely and causes her pain, so that's not so good either. Yet despite the ?panic? that I should be feeling and the ?frentic-ness? I should be living with today, I'm strangely ... not calm, more like.... accepting?