Decisions, decisions. Or not.

Sometimes you get what you want. Partly.

I still can't get her.

But we did get to talk a lot lately. A lot. And about ?heavy? things, our relationship, the future, feelings, all of it.

But as Mick Jagger says "You can't always get what you want".

We talked, a lot, about her and I, her and bf, possible futures, what we each want from the future, from life. She knows she has to make a decision sooner or later. Actually she doesn't really need to, because inaction on her part will constitute a decision too - the decision to stay where she is, with him. I know, believe me I know, how hard that decision would be. I can completely understand the feelings of being overwhelmed with the magnitude of a decision like that. While talking, I thought I heard in her voice and words that she knew the truth of what we were saying.

Then just before we hung up she told me "I want you to know I'm not on a mission to make a decision now."

Why doesn't she understand that not making a decision IS a decision? Truth of the matter is, she does understand that. But she doesn't seem to think it matters.

It fucking matters to me.

How can I give up, even knowing that she doesn't want to make the decision, even knowing that that non-decision so completely alters my future? And hers?

One thing i don't understand: why? Why doesn't she want me? Why won't she see me? Why can't she love me? What does he have that I don't, what critical traits do I so lack???? Why would the universe let me find her only to then not let me have her? Just to punish me? To show me that -some- people can be happy, just not me?

Fuck.