WTF is wrong with me?

I'm destined to fuck this up.

I get wrapped up in feeling bad, or feeling bad for myself. And it just spirals downward, out of control until I'm lost, completely and utterly lost.

And today I'm saying half-things to her, i can't make the words right, can't put together thoughts that make sense, instead she hears them as accusations or something which just makes it worse which just sends me spinning faster and farther out of control.

I think she doesn't understand how I feel, but the truth of the matter is that doesn't matter. Whether she does or not, it doesn't matter, because her understanding how I feel isn't even a factor at the stage of the relationship that we're in. She's giving me all of her and all of her life that she's willing to give. She won't take time away from them or him, won't IM or email me from home, won't call more often on weekends - because she's gving me all that she wants me to have.

It's me that doesn't understand. I'm not going to have her. She's doesn't want to give any more than she's already giving. She has a life, a love, a partner and she doesn't want to jeopardize that.

It's me that doesn't understand. She's taken. She might like me, like what we share, even fantasize about what else there could be, but she loves him. Loves their life together.

I can't have her and I can't give her up.

Can't live with her and don't want to live without her.

Can't be her lover and can't stand not being her lover.

These lyrics come to mind ... "she'll take away your pain, like a bullet to your brain". Being able to be to her what I wish I could be to her would take away my pain. Not having her is like a bullet to the brain.

Maybe that's what I need.

I never knew love could be this intense, this fulfilling. Or that not having it could be this painful. I always thought true love would prevail. Always. So either this isn't true love for her or I've been believing another bullshit fairy tale for most of my adult life.

Maybe it is true love for her. It's just not me that she loves.

Some people believe they don't deserve to be happy. I want to be happy, but then I guess even the lowest low life does too, don't they? The wicked stepmother drilled into my head for years that I was no good, would never amount to anything, didn't deserve anything.

I'm beginning to believe that I don't deserve happiness. Certainly, having found it, I can see it, almost touch it, I just can't have it.

It's payback for all the bad karma I've created. I don't deserve it. Won't have it.

Maybe it's better. At least I won't fuck up her life too.