Asking for help

I talked to her today. Well, IM'd actually. And she lifts me, changes my mood, makes me glad to be alive, glad to be a man, and most of all, so lucky to have her in my life.

I've talked to G-d twice today, something I don't normally do. I'm not a particularly devout man, nor observant of my religion, although I do believe in G-d. When I worried that she might be hurt, I asked Him, silently, to please not let it be so. And when she and I had finished IM'ing, I thanked Him for having kept her safe.

And then something else hit me. I've said to her many times that all i want to do is make her happy; whatever I can do to make her happy is what I want to do, what I'm willing to do. In my heart, I've said the same thing to G-d. Not so much as a ?plea? but out of frustration perhaps. And then it occurred to me.... She -is- happy. She must be, or she wouldn't stay there, would she? Isn't it conceit of the grandest scale to think that she couldn't be happy unless she had -me- in her life? Thinking of it now, it seems farcical for me to even thing that. I've never been able to make or keep anyone happy my whole life, including myself. How could I think that I could ever make her happy? Even more, how could I have the fucking gall to think that she couldn't be happy without -me-??

Fuck. That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I should just realize that she is happy and stop doing my damndest to make her unhappy. All I've been doing is pressuring her, pushing her. She's got it all - financial security, a wonderful house, a good comfortable life, a man who loves her, a successful business and above all, a man she loves. What am I doing trying to get in the middle of that? I should fade from her world and stop interfering and let her live the good life she's built.

But I'm a selfish prick. I want her. As much as the evidence says she's happy, as much as she stays and won't see me, I hear in her voice, I think, that maybe she's really not happy. I wonder, sometimes, do I hear her whispering to me from within the prison she's built or am I just hearing my own wishful cries?

I want her because of what she makes me feel, because of what she does for me. She makes me feel alive. She makes me feel like I'm a better man. She makes me feel wanted, needed, desired, even attractive. Even more, she makes me feel all the things I want to do for -her-. She makes me want to do for someone else, for her, more than I would've thought myself capable of. I want to please her, all the time. I know I don't (seems like usally just the opposite) but I -want- to. She makes me aware, her attention and affection make me aware of how much I want to give to her.

I want her because I love her. She touches me like no one ever has. I feel for her like I never have before. When she talks to me, she's talking to -me-. To -me-. To have her attention is to have all of her. When we talk, when she listens to me talk, she makes me feel as though what I'm saying has meaning or value or worth. When she opens up to me, it's the warmest, closest, best place I've ever been. She's with me, all the time. She's with me now, or when I wake in the middle of the night, when I shower, when I work, and when I sit alone and feel sorry for myself and drink myself into oblivion. She's there, all the time. I don't deserve her. Which seems ?fitting? because I can't have her.

Yet I can't just give up.

I don't know what to do. So I ask Your help, one more time.

Please G-d, help me. What do I do?

Please.