Some thoughts...

She's back. She's been away on business travel for a few days and out of touch.

But she's back. It's great to hear her voice again.

Something feels different though. It could be my imagination, it could be her normal slight closed off-ness after being outta touch for a while. It could be that she and bf had a great time (yeah, he fucking went with her) together and she's feeling very close to him. It could just be my paranoia.

And in another coincidence, the other woman was out of the office for 3 days too. Also in San Antonio.

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She called me Friday night, late. Told me her life was "empty". An empty shell, that it looked great from the outside but that inside there was nothing. She said she'd left. More like just had to get out, because she didn't take clothes or anything and was going back. We had a few brief moments to talk, maybe 10 minutes total over 3 calls. She never really elaborated much beyond that. When she had to quickly go just a couple of minutes into the third call, I had a feeling that was the last call.

Late Saturday she called and left me a message (I -just- missed getting the phone). She said she wanted to see if I was okay, that she was fine. FINE? She tells me her life is empty and 22 hours later tells me she's "fine"?? What the fuck is that?

She also said she wouldn't have a chance to call me the next day. How could she know that? Was she just telling me that so she wouldn't have to think about it? So there'd be no ?expectation? on her to call? Her tomorrow became so planned out that she KNEW she wouldn't have 5 minutes to make a quick call? Does that mean that if an opportunity presented itself she wouldn't take it?

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I have a job offer, finally. I'm actually waiting on another one, for a lot more money though, that may come today or tomorrow. If not, guess I'll have to take the one. Both are in other cities/states. I knew that would happen, as there's just no work here. Both put me much further away from B. That bothered me a lot, because I thought (probably just my over active imagination) that we were close to meeting and I'd hoped to find a job within driving distance of her. Neither of these are. She says it doesn't matter - six hours driving or six hours flying, what's the difference. She says the distance between us has no effect. I'm beginning to believe (accept?) that the physical distance doesn't make a difference.

I don't think she's going to meet me.

I don't think she's going to leave him, either. I think she's surrendered her future, given up the life she wants to have for the comforts of the life she has now. That makes me so sad.

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For the second time in four months, I feel like everything's coming at me at once, too many things to handle. I have to sell a duplex a friend bought because I suggested it. He doesn't live here so I've been handling the property. Had a sale and if just fell through. Have to sell a property that my friend-with-benefits bought as an investment/flip. Was hoping that would sell before I left but it doesn't look like it. Have to move to a new state. Have to try to get home to see my daughter. Have to leave here, which even though I don't really like this city/state, I have lived here almost two years and it's familiar if nothing else. Have to leave my friend-with-benefits. Have to give up sex - it may be months or more before I see another woman in my bed... assuming I can even meet one. Have to start a job. Have to pack and move all my shit (not that it's so much, but still...).

I feel like there's so much I have to do. So much I should be doing. And I can't do anything, it's like I'm paralyzed. Caught in the headlights.

All that would be enough. All that makes me feel like I'm boxed in, surrounded by thugs coming to beat me to a pulp.

And on top of it all, I feel like B is slipping away from me, like I'm losing her.

While I feel like there's no way I can handle everything, I know that one day at a time, I'll get by.

But losing her.... I don't know if I can handle that. But I don't really have a choice, don't have any say in it. It's all her decision.

He wins.

I lose.